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User Topic: I need help to get thru Christmas
painandgrief
Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

This is the first Christmas post DDay in May. I'm struggling really hard to get thru it. I'm finding that I have to push myself to do everything, nothing is enjoyable. We have two teens at home, for one, this will be last regular Christmas as he's off to college next year. I'm trying to make it special for them but I can't find the energy to do so. All I want to do is lie in bed all day and avoid this season.

The Christmas cards with happy, smiling families keep arriving, the letters that tell of family vacations and joyous activities are agony. My holiday letter would tell the story of my asshole husband traveling to Asia on business and having a coworker set up an inappropriate dinner with 2 women. From that dinner began the EA, then the PA one month later. His guilty manner when he returned home gave him away.

My family isn't happy, my life sucks. I'm miserable. I didn't deserve this pain, this rejection, I can barely function right now I'm so fearful my kids will figure something out. I don't want to ruin this holiday for them, but I just don't know what to do. Please help. I'm sobbing as I type this. I just can't cope.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((Painandgrief)))

Please make sure to be gentle with yourself. As hard as it seems right now, things will get better, no matter what path you walk down. This feeling of despair and great sadness will lessen with time.

Eat, drink lots of water and do things that make you feel good.

I'm really sorry you're hurting.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:16 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197283 | Registered: May 2002
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

If it helps at all, this is so very normal.

The first Christmas post Dday is incredibly hard.

Do the best you can and try to be content with that. The only reason my kids had a Christmas last year was bc a friend dragged me out shopping and helped me wrap. I was a zombie.

Many hugs.
hfm


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Marathonwaseasy
Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

You're not alone - there are sadly loads of us dealing with our first post dday Christmas and it sucks

I have never been a fan of smug happy family cards. This year they've all gone straight in the bin. I'm doing presents for the kids and even for fwh but he has been carrying me through.

There is no pain like it.
I just console myself that I only have this first post dday Christmas once. I don't have to live the last 3 months again and I survived them. We can survive - this great place proves that.

Be nice to yourself. Do the bare minimum for Christmas. A lot of the traditions etc are not that important to our kids and burn the cards of the smug gits.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
20Hopeful16
Member
Member # 40487
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((painandgrief)))

I am feeling the same way. I feel like I am ruining Christmas for the kids, because I just haven't been able to bring myself to do anything but go through the motions. And that's the best thing I can suggest, from my very limited experience... go through the motions.


Me: BS (39)
Three Beautiful Children 12,9,5
DD: 8/24/13
Heading for divorce
Moving on with life

Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2013
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((painandgrief)))

One more saying be kind to yourself. Your kids are teenagers and it's OK for them to know that you're unhappy AND it has nothing to do with them. Trying to cover up your sadness may just make them less trusting.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 560 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
stillprettyupset
Member
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

We got through my family event over the weekend this year with little problem...I just kept my mouth shut and "did" Christmas. Her family is coming up tomorrow. I will do the same thing. And there will be no joy. But, I will be there to set up tables and bring the chairs from the basement. I will arrange cheese platters and cut up salami. And there will be no joy. I will just "do" Christmas. And the six hours together in the car will bring no joy.


Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((painandgrief)) It is such a difficult time of year, and I'm so sorry for your pain.

Please be gentle with yourself.

I've found that my kids vastly prefer a low-key Christmas. The expectations I placed on myself were...well, misplaced.

You don't need bells and whistles to enjoy your kids on the holiday. There's no requirement that there be an elaborate meal, home-baked cookies, and carols.

Our Christmas looks a lot different than it used to look. We all like it lots more.

But damn, it was hard at first. (It gets better. It really does.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8556 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

painandgrief,

I barely remember anything of my Christmas just 2 months after dday. As others have said, take care of yourself. Do not try to fix or resolve any issues during this busy time.

I'm trying to make it special for them but I can't find the energy to do so.

If your teens are like mine, they will find fun and memories with their friends during the holiday time off. Offer to let them have a movie night at your place. The noise and shuffle of teens in the house will help drown out other thoughts and be well worth the cost of soda and pizza.

One thing I came to lear as I progressed away from dday is that while my FWW's A and post dday behaviors were a HUGE issue for me, it was not as big a deal for other family members. They knew that there were problems, but then FWW and I had a dysfunction M for the years before dday too while she was having As and acting and thinking as a wayward.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:27 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
jstbreathe
Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

My DDay is Christmas eve and Christmas day. This too is the first year post DDay. I know just how you feel. I can't bring myself to bake cookies for my son as that's what I was doing when the bomb hit. This year, just in case I freak out and can't handle it, we are doing things completely different. My boys love the Japanese steak house and aren't too keen on traditional Christmas dinner, so we have made reservations to go there. We do have some family visiting and I think they thought it a bit strange, but who cares. I bet they would find it strange if I started to cry hysterically or decided to dump the entire bowl of mashed potatoes on my WH's head! After dinner we are going to a movie. Not the usual Christmas Celebrations, but the kids will have fun and my mind won't be constantly 'going there.'
Oh, and buy yourself a really nice present. Like a nice new designer bag or that pair of Jimmy Choos you've always wanted but wouldn't dare spend the money on. Yeah, and be sure to use HIS credit card!


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2013
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Yeah for new traditions Jstbreathe!!!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 560 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
HeartStings
Member
Member # 38017
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Hugs to you, painandgrief.

I know exactly how you feel. I am in your exact situation, but I am a year out from d-day, and I'm here to tell you the pain will lessen. Please read and follow the 180, and detach, detach, detach!

Take care of yourself physically, do fun things with your friends, pray.

This is not a rejection of you at all. There are so many desperate women over there that know exactly how to rope in our stupid American husbands with their constant fawning over them, telling them they are so fantastic, so handsome, so smart. How they can't see through the manipulation is beyond me, but they can't or don't want to. The ego gratification is too strong of a pull.

But here's a funny for you (in a tragic sort of way)....I, too, sent out our usual 'happy family' Christmas cards this year, even though most of my friends and family know what's going on. I'm not going to let my WH's bad choices affect me and my kids!

You will survive this betrayal, and come out stronger in the end.


Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New England
kra127
Member
Member # 41045
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Add me to the list of those just trying to get through Christmas. If I didn't have small children, I'd probably skip the holiday all together but for them I'll let WH stay in the guest room for a night so he can be here with them Christmas morning. I know it's not easy.


Me 40
WS 39
2 young kids, Married 10 yrs
OW 22, admitted to EA and then TT to PA two weeks later. Also, found out about several "friends".
Dday 10/8/13
Divorcing

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2013
jstbreathe
Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Thanks WeepingBuddhist. I am taking the advise of many wise BS on this site!

Thank you all for making my journey less painful! I am actually looking forward to Christmas Day!

[This message edited by jstbreathe at 9:52 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2013
painandgrief
Member
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

It does help to know that this is very normal. Sometimes you feel so very alone walking this horrible journey. Thank you all for the support and great ideas of how to rethink this.

I think the other part of this that is hard is that when I go to my parents house, I'm expected to start cooking and relieving my mom of the burden of taking care of my dad. Normally I can step into that role with no problems, but I'm so overwhelmed this year and I'm resentful that she refuses to take advantage of the help that would make their lives so much easier. They know nothing of his betrayal so he will be the fantastic son in law and I will be barely hanging on.

Thanks for hearing me, I so need someone to support me, to love me.


BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

P&G,

I'm so sorry for your painful holiday!!

You do not deserve this.

Please be easy on yourself. Give yourself permission to mourn! It is a sad time, more so because of some of the forced joy. Many people are struggling just like you, no matter the happy happy chirstmas card facades. You are very much NOT alone.

So do the best you can for your kids, and maybe that includes some openness with them. Only you know the answer to that! And as for the rest, mourn as you need to and then go see a movie or whatever you can do to distract you, bring you some of the very real joys that are available to us that are not about the betrayal. You and your life are much more vast than the betrayal. Engage that part of you in the world if you can. Actively value YOU. And then curl up in bed and cry when you need to.

Sending strength, self compassion and healing to you!!!

((((P&G))))/


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

I know exactly how you feel. I just broke down crying in my office because I thought about everything that was going on last year. I wish I could just forget Christmas this year.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1124 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 17