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Reconciliation
User Topic: looking for an old tag line
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Someone here had/has a tag line that said something like
I will be damned if I let another woman reap the benefits of my blood, sweat, and tears

That is the kind of message i need to hear today. I am about to throw in the towel.

I am sick of living on hope. I need results to live on. My hope is fucking dead.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Chicho...

What happened?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198309 | Registered: May 2002
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

((((((Chicho)))))) I remember the tag line. I'll see if I can find it.

Sending you strength.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25746 | Registered: Aug 2011
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become

Is that it? It's Mrs. Doubtfire's tag. Hope everything is ok mate.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4003 | Registered: Dec 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

DS...nothing happened thats the problem.

As soon as the trauma pain calmed down all motivation disappeared. There has been no motivation to work on us in months. I voice my concerns. I say I'm not happy. I offer suggestions. And.....nothing

She says she is working on herself and I mostly believe her. I am sure she will come out healthy on the other end and make someone very happy. I'm just sick of waiting.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Do you think it's possible she's is suffering from some level of depression?

I'm not making excuses for her, jus wondering if that could be a contributor for her lack of motivation?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198309 | Registered: May 2002
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

I dont know. When I ask her she says she feels better than she has ever felt in her life.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

I'm sorry to hear that brother. have you confronted her on her lack of actions? sending strength.

Eta lack of actions regarding the marriage.

[This message edited by 5454real at 10:58 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2992 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((((Chicho)))))


Im in the same place as you are, I think.

Im waiting..


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Chicho... I'm sorry, man.

Do you think this might be a rut in this rough road that you have been treading?

I know you have fairly recently had a d-day antiversary, and the holidays can certainly exacerbate things as well. It does with me, anyway.

What work are you wanting her to do that she is not doing?

I'm really sorry that you are going through a rough time. Sending you strength.


Posts: 7542 | Registered: Dec 2010
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((((Chicho)))))

I'm sorry. I hope it really sinks in for her on how your are feeling and motivates her to strengthen your marriage. Sending you strength and hope.


Posts: 35904 | Registered: Mar 2011
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Chicho,

It was only a couple of weeks ago, almost 3 years out, that I finally worked out that my best bet for R really was for my W to work on herself. Until then, my head knew it, but my heart rebelled. Her A was a symptom of larger problems, and working on the root causes has been a lot more effective than working on symptoms (like, how could she betray me) would have been.

At the same time, my W did respond positively when I asked for specific changes in behavior, and it sounds like you're not getting that.

I don't know were you'll go next, but as lousy as you feel, remember that staying in touch with yourself is part of healing, and I have no doubt that's what you're doing.

This is paramount: Have faith in yourself.

(((chicho)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10378 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

I'm sorry you're hurting Chicho. I can remember going through something similar. At some point, our WS's have to work on their internal selves. The problem is, they've hid that part of them from us for a long time, so we don't really see it. As they work on that part, we don't or can't see the results as they happen. They are incremental and internal. The added pressure of the holidays and everything else can really pile on.

It's really hard to work on yourself and on the relationship at the same time. Full healing of each takes time too. It's frustrating I know, but it will be easier to work on the relationship once she's worked on herself for a bit.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37398 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Im curious..she says she has never felt better, but clearly you are not feeling the same. Does she know you are not happy with her progress? If so, what has been her response?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Are you asking for what you need? Are you guys communicating well?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2063 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

((Chicho)) I know how you feel man. I could have written this post for you. I think Sisoon is right on this.
Her A was a symptom of larger problems, and working on the root causes has been a lot more effective than working on symptoms (like, how could she betray me) would have been.

Its really hard waiting for the life you want and dream of while they are figuring out how to merely live. Soemtimes I too want to throw in the towel. Typically when I feel detatched emotionally and physically. MAybe you guys need to sit down and really reconnect. I know after a while you work so hard on the marriage then it starts to plateu a bit. But we have to remember to keep communicating and connecting.

Maybe see if she is suffering from depression. My W told me she felt fine for a long time then she would have a blow out and then be fine. I took a year for her therapist to diagnose her with depression. Anyway hang in there. I know its hard. Keep your motivation and spirits up.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

MAybe you guys need to sit down and really reconnect.

This is what I have been asking for. Its not a stuff. Its communication, intimacy, and quality time that disappeared.

We used to read together and do communication and relationship exercises. We used to share insights with each other. We used to make time for each other. We used to have regular date nights (even though she only planned one in 2 years) We used to work as a team. We are back to the disconnected preA parallel living that went on for years.

I have been regularly asking for these again and nothing. Its like she feels better than ever so why bother. Who care how I feel.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

So she is well aware that you feel you and the marriage are no longer a priority..and her response is that she has never felt better?

Ouch.

(((Chicho)))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7688 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
IGaveItMyAll
Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

This is what I have been asking for. Its not a stuff. Its communication, intimacy, and quality time that disappeared.
From what I experienced. We connected a lot with the pain and trying to heal through this. Once that kind of subsided we had a difficult time connecting on possitive things. I usually just tried to have deep conversations with her when I was feeling disconnected. It worked sometime.. sometimes not. Try do just be straight up with her. I have gotten to the point where if I feel things are off longer than a few days. I just tell my W "I feel disconnected with you. I don't like it and we need to talk (not just about surface BS like work) or go out." As far as dates, I used to think my wife should plan dates but when she did I felt not very masculine. I think its a man's job to take the reigns and lead the girl. What kind of work have you been doing on yourself?


But I do feel you. I want intimacy, Emotional connection and FUN back in our lives but I am doing this with a person that is depressed, can't control her emotions, Turned-Off, Doesn't want sex,constantly irritable, fatigued. Its hard. Sometimes I think I should just give up but sometimes its awesome. I am chosing to stick by her through this. BUT she is working on herself.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

I'm sorry chicho. You've offered me some sound advice when I've been at my wits end. I hate to see the struggle :(

I voice my concerns. I say I'm not happy. I offer suggestions. And.....nothing

Dealing with some of the same here. ((Chicho))


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((Chicho)))


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38046 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Chicho

Sending you strength for this difficult time.

I hope the 2 of you are able to reconnect and find your stride again. Sometimes we get stuck and lose it. Both BS's and WS's.

(((Chicho)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

I'm relating on more than a few levels. Hoping that getting outside the holidays will bring some much needed clarity.

Big hugs.

(((Chicho)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17846 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((Chico)))

The problem is, they've hid that part of them from us for a long time, so we don't really see it. As they work on that part, we don't or can't see the results as they happen. They are incremental and internal.

Wifehad5 offers some good wisdom here.

I might add that not only has the fWS hidden parts of them from us for a long time....pre-dating them ever meeting us even....but they have also hidden parts of themselves from THEMSELVES.

FOO coping mechanisms do this.

Mine did that to me. I bet you have seen things about yourself you would never thought were a part of you....even if it is just the RAGE you felt upon the betrayal of your spouse. But I bet there is at least one aspect to Chico that you were not aware of until this journey through adultery became a part of your world.

I offer this up as encouragement to find compassion for your spouse. It is helping me grow compassion for my spouse.

I "see" my spouse facing parts of her that she either never knew existed or knew and choose to ignore. I don't know which....she is still very much keeping things internal. But I am getting more and more skilled at picking up on the slightest changes in her body language that alert me to the fact that she is growing and changing.

Is it what a BS wants?...to have to pay extra close attention to their fWS to see if they are working on themselves. To see if they are going to hurt them again. No...its not.

But if we are offering R to the fWS there must be some easing of expectations. They will not get it perfectly...and, in our cases, will not get it as fast as we like them too. Trickle truthing and deception hurt our attempts at nurturing compassion for them....because it shows a WILLINGNESS to inflict more pain on us.

......but if you can find some peace and learn to interact with your spouse differently (part of learning to R is to do just that) you will find new ways to pick up on your spouses journey away from her adultery and grow past the habits, coping mechanisms that allowed adultery to be an option in the first place.

I totally agree a fWS needs to step up and step up HARD. I just want to gently nudge you to examine what that looks like....really looks like from your wifes perspective.

One thing I know it does NOT look like....it does NOT look like how I would step up. It can't. I react very differently to life than my wife does. To expect her to totally change and line up with how I have done life is unrealistic and is not healthy.

Look....I understand your angst right now. I could be there tomorrow. These feelings are shit....they cause me to spontaneously cry to this day, at very inopportune times. But feelings change.

2-5 years....you KNOW this already. Planes of lethal flatness....you KNOW about this too. BS's who, after years decide their fWS simply cannot do enough to repair the damage they caused can and do choose to D....you KNOW this too.

Are some of your angst due to you feeling trapped?

This often is a root that causes similar feelings in me.

You always have choices. It sucks to have to weigh so much with every feeling we have since DD....sucks because our fWW's never did this hard work. They skipped it and chose adultery.

A fWS has shown their BS that they CAN avoid this tough work. That same fWS has never had their confidence in their BS shaken like that. Oh, they might have THOUGHT they tried "everything", but they never had the true pain of betrayal shoved on them.

In fact, as in your case, your fWW has the "new" revelation that you will choose to love them even when they abandon you.

This has to rock their world. The spouse who they forsake so completely, maybe believing they never shared love so it was okay to cheat, could find the courage to offer R to them.

It is a tough thing to face.

I know it appears broevil is slacking....but I would bet money she is struggling harder than she ever thought she could....and is struggling more than you think she is.

rambling post....hope I brought you some comfort.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3992 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((Chicho)))

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I really don't have any advice, but I want to send some SI mojo your way.

If I could afford it I'd send you 2 skee-ball machines. You and Broevil really seemed to have had fun together that day in NJ on the boardwalk.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52674 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Thanks Moo

I think that is exactly what I needed to hear.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 4:05 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

{{Chicho}} You've been a support to me on a number of occasions, hate to see you suffering.

Year 2 is a bitch. The holiday season seems to add an extra layer of misery. Hoping that the new year gives us all a shot of... I don't know... courage? Perseverance? Happiness? Motivation? All of the above??


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Hey chicho, how are you doing today?


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52674 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Hey Moo,
Thanks for checking in. It was a crazy but good day with a house full of inlaws and friends.

Where I'm at?...I've had enough but i'm not done, if that makes sense. We have been talking a lot when we can. We'll see what happens.

I found some peace for today.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2633 | Registered: Aug 2012
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I'm glad that you found some peace today. May more peace come tomorrow


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52674 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)

(((Chico)))

It might be my tagline you are looking for?

I and FWH fought hard to get to a place where I could say that tagline.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1583 | Registered: Jul 2009
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)

Hey, Chicho. One of those awkward do-I-or-don''t-I one-handed Bro hugs from me to you.

Maybe take this time to figure out what kind of stuff brings you joy as Chicho the individual? I''m not saying to neglect your marriage or anything, but maybe spend less time worrying and thinking about your wife''s ''progress'' and your marriage and more of that time finding cool shit to do?


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 26th (Thursday)

Chicho,

I think we all get this way, at least I know we have at times. We get busy and it's easy for life to get in the way. Plus this is a particularly busy time of year.

We try to find a balance between not working so much we burn ourselves out (that was happening in the beginning) and not so little that we feel nothing is happening and fear sets in that we are slacking off or starting to feel disconnected. Ideally both agree on what that balance is, check in with each other regularly and recognize when it's shifting one way or the other. Schedule time to correct it if needed. IMO, it's a continual mindful process and easy to get sidetracked. And of course Year 2 just sucked in general.

I hope you have just hit a holiday slump. Peace for both of you this holiday season and for 2014.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Topic Posts: 33