User Topic: Defining Abuse
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I often see threads, and have started a few of my own, questioning if what is occurring is physical, sexual or emotional abuse.

This site has some really good references, including a graphic of a power and control "wheel". The caveat: it''s written as if only men abuse and only women are victims. But if you ignore the gendered pronouns, I still think it''s an excellent reference to help us all recognize if we are being victims of any type of abuse.

"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Member # 21332
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

O.M.G. I have experienced nearly everything on that wheel from my STBX.

Thank you so much for sharing this link. It seems I have a lot of work/healing I need in the new year.

Wow. Just wow.

M 16yrs Together 18+
Cheated our whole relationship Multiple Ddays, Multiple OW, Multiple EAs and PAs
DS17, TwinDSs16, DD11

Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2008
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Wow. I think he's still trying to abuse me through the kids.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I didn't know minimizing, denying and blaming is abuse, but it certainly feels like it, especially over time.

Thanks for the info, cayc!

Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 2:48 AM, December 26th (Thursday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, December 26th (Thursday)

Threatening to leave someone is abuse? I guess maybe if the threat is intended to be used as a weapon and there is no intention of carrying it out.

I believe that saying 'hey, this isn't working, we need to fix X or we need to split' is not necessarily abuse, and filing for divorce, whether it's abuse or not, is.. well.. no real way around that, eh?

Me, 32. DD, 8. DS, 6 (deceased).

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

The only issue I''d take with that article is that it could be just as easily co-opted by foggy waywards still in the midst of an affair, or even post-DDAY, if they were still London-level foggy.

Almost all of them, with the exception of ''''using intimidation'''' (as defined in the graphic) are probably things that a BS who senses something is wrong(but who doesn''t quite know that they are a BS yet) would probably say or do.

"I don''t want you hanging out with that person." - Using Isolation

"If you continue with this behavior, I will leave." - Using coercion and/or threats

See what I mean? It seems to me that for some of these, there is a grey area in-between firm boundaries and abuse via attempted control. I experienced this myself in MC. I made it clear that while I don''t dictate who my wife hangs out with since she''s an adult, in no way would I allow my son to be brought around one of her friends who knew about the affair. I was told that it seemed like I was trying to control my wife and her friend.There are some clear black-and-white issues in that wheel, but some of that stuff seems to be contextual.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:36 PM, December 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

I agree with FP. The list is good and *is* true but each action doesn't indicate abuse on its own.

Examples: My WH has used a similar list to say that I have emotionally abused him because...

* I give him an 'allowance' (it doesn't matter that *I* have the same amount of allowance and he has been asked multiple times over multiple years for input on what the number should be only to get 'I don't know/care' responses. It's not an 'allowance' as in restriction-to-him-alone but an 'allowance' as in a method of budgeting and giving us each spend-it-on-whatever-you-want funds).

* I don't want him talking to or meeting with his AP (Other than DURING his time with his two APs I have never EVER restricted his whereabouts / friends / actions or even checked up on him or gotten jealous. But during his affairs and for awhile after, I do check up.)

That kind of stuff.

So, IMO, the actions in and of themselves don't constitute abuse but throw in some context (and other factors I'm sure) and yeah they can definitely be indicators of abuse.

ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 200 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 8