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User Topic: Need support
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)

The anger is here and so is the plain of lethal flatness. My BH told me that he doesn't feel love for me doesnt feel anything. I am feeling hopeless. I try and tell myself that it's the time of year that it's a stage he's at anything to put hope back into my heart. But it's not working
It's christmas morning and I'm ....
I know this is caused by me and the way he feel is my fault I just don't know what to do


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)

Hi there -

Not here to pile on. The Anger phase and the Plain of Lethal Flatness do not co-exist. Lethal Flatness is about everything, not just you or the relationship.

What he's saying now is the anger talking. As a defense mechanism (to avoid hurt) he's shutting all feelings of you out. As the anger subsides, that will change. That's what you should focus on - this is a defense mechanism.

And I'm going to say this so you know, not to be menacing - the real anger phase will hit in a few months. There is a short anger phase in the beginning. Then the other phases start moving through, and then a deep rage hits. Please be prepared for that.

Again, I say that as a precaution, nothing else. You just have to go through the motions.

I'm hopeful that you'll get through this. You seem remorseful and hopeful - that's a good thing. Please remember, this is a self preservation move. He's not doing it intentionally.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)

What you do, is you don''t give up. You keep working on self-discovery. You keep showing love and concern for your BH. You keep offering transparency and whatever else he needs. You keep being accountable. You keep showing him that you are there for him, and you look for those un-said needs that he has, and you try to fulfill them. You keep on working on becoming healthy.

I cannot stress this enough. You Do Not Give Up. Through the flatness, through the despair, through the indifference, your BH is watching to see if you are going to flee again, leave him behind, check out. It may not seem like it, but he is very cognizant of what you are and you are not doing now. Keep on doing the work. It really does mean the difference between having hope and just washing your hands of everything. Just hang in there.

And I will agree with painfulpast. I know that I couldn''t summon up true rage when I was indifferent. Once my indifference lifted, THEN the rage hit. So do be prepared.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4804 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)

Thankyou for your replies I think I probably made things worse than better today.
Think I need to put a filter on my mouth. He says he thinks I only tell him things that will make him happy. So I woke up and told him how I was feeling. Total screw up.
My filter is what is messed in the first place.
Starting to think he probably be better without me. And yes that the poor me talking.
I'm fighting with everything I got and I am not willing to five up. I hope it will work out.
I just see the pain and the anger and just wish I could take some of ut away for him


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
atthedoor
Member
Member # 25993
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

We can't take it away, that's the problem. And its all I ever pray and wish for.
BUT, I feel you did the right thing when you talked your true feeling out, even though the response was not what you wanted, you got them out.
And you need to keep doing that because what you feel inside has tremendous value, and it will improve your communication over time. maybe not today, or this week, or even this year, but it will improve.
My post A relationship is the hardest work I have ever done, I want everyday to be filled with sunshine and glitter, and it isn't and may never be again, but I have commited myself to trying.
Find the line inside of you and push off from there.


Clearly we are on the ten year plan.
DD 10/14/2009

Posts: 138 | Registered: Oct 2009
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Hey Joanh, how are you doing today?


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Thanks for asking. Doing better. Some things he said won't leave my mind even though there is a legit reason for him to feel them.
We are getting along and being caring. Just dont believe it And I'm fighting my walls. I don't want them to go back up
What I have found is some more answers on how and why. Which is good I guess. Anyways off fishing today. Hopefully catch some walley


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

Glad to hear you're doing better. I know what you meant about "not believing it". Once you've been up and down the roller coaster many times, you tend to expect the next down when you're on the up, so to speak.

I think because we tend to have a negative bias in our brains (not you and me specifically, just humans in general) we are more fearful of good feelings changing to bad ones than we are hopeful for bad feelings to change into good ones as we ride this crazy train from one of those creepy abandoned amusement parks run by an evil clown.

Hope fishing was a success! I just had to find out what a walleye is and it sounds like it can be turned into something delicious.

Keep on keeping on, sister.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 302 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Topic Posts: 8