SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Thank God thats over
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)

I've been up and running for 15 hours. Survived our first "liberated" Christmas. Barely. Longest day ever.

I cannot wait to purge all the Christmas out of my house. Sick of looking at it. I'm over it. Warm and fuzzy feelings are gone.

My throat hurts and my heart is racing.

Glad I don't have to tackle this for another 364 days.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6335 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)

Congrats on making it through. On to 2014!


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, December 26th (Thursday)

Good for you Aubrie you made it!


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2769 | Registered: Oct 2012
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, December 26th (Thursday)

(((Aubrie)))

I'm right there with ya. Oof.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17909 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 26th (Thursday)

It was an incredibly overwhelming day and the lead up to it was disheartening. You know, no matter how much you prepare and anticipate actions, when things happen, it still hurts. I can't figure out how to deal with this crap without hurting.

FOO threw another dagger in my soul over the weekend. Dad's actions were very painful. Mother is sending mixed signals. I think she's utterly confused by everything. Bottom line, I feel worthless to them. Which really, I am. I am not playing my part correctly in Dad's NPD Unicorn Land so I've been written off. His love is conditional. That hurts the worst. Seeing more and more that everything from him is conditional. What hurts even more is seeing that I've been replaced. By other people and social media. Just like that. His oldest daughter is replaced. I'm disposable.

This past weekend was by far the must hurtful. What makes it worse, is other people saw it too. There was a "situation" in the parking lot. People were watching the whole exchange. It was humiliating. And of course I had to be "the bigger person", smile, act civil, and stuff the hurt.

Christmas morning was good. The kids opened gifts and checked their stockings. But as the day wore on, I found that the tears came easily and more often. Memories and knowledge of what "used" to be came flooding back. I faked my way thru the rest of the day and collapsed into bed with an overwhelming sadness. I feel I've failed cause I couldn't keep the ugly feelings out. I couldn't be legit smiles and giggles all day.

I have a feeling the best thing for me is to curl up on the couch and read self-help books today.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6335 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Hon, it's time to limit your exposure to them. A fleet of counselors told us that doing that would cause them to explode with anger and accusations, which it did. The phase after that comes retaliation. (Sending the kids toys home with you, anyone?) They guided us to look at that as proof positive that this is not on us. Getting space from someone who hurts you isn't incendiary - it would be a sign to someone with a shred of humility that someone is uncomfortable being around you. To them, it would be a sign that they are losing control over you, and they will fly into a rage. Watch how none of this is your fault. Watch how getting your space makes you feel more secure - less guilty. It doesn't mean you don't love them, it means that you are not letting them have access to you while they are intent on manipulating you.

That's the only way the pain is going to stop. They are not going to get it as long as they know you want something from them. It's only when they realize that you are not dependent on them emotionally that things will change.

(((((((((((((((Aubrie))))))))))))))))


ETA - Just reading what you've written, your mother is NOT confused. She is using "confusion" to make you feel badly. She knows you love her. You did not ask her to send your kids things home with you. That was a power play. See this.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:18 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17909 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

I feel I''ve failed cause I couldn''t keep the ugly feelings out.
This does not a failure make. We don''t progress and grow by keeping ugly feelings out.
We face them.
We deal with them.
We feel them.
You did that.
That is a win. It''s not the win you should have had because your dad is still pulling his NPD crap and didn''t wake up, but it''s still a win.
At the end of the day you had a tough situation but you held firm despite the pain it caused. That is a test of one''s character and strength. But tests aren''t fun and many of the most important ones are ugly and horrible to experience. We wish they didn''t have to happen but when they do we hope we can still handle it the right way. Well you did. Cold comfort to be sure.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Hon, it's time to limit your exposure to them.
Literally the only time we see them is at church. And leaving/switching churches is not an option. I'm not giving my church up because of some crazy people. It's my church as much as theirs. They aren't going to chase me off like they've done countless others.

The situation with Dad occurred during service. I was assisting with a ceremony. He came to the area where I was, I communicated information imperative for the ceremony. He refused eye contact, looked everywhere but at me, scowled when I spoke, and stomped away. QS said he saw Dad come around the partition and he could tell Dad was angry/flustered about something, but didn't know what it was till I recounted my experience later.

After service, my errand boy brother was forced by the parental units to give "gifts" while my parents sat in the car. There were dozens of people in the parking lot. They saw everything happen. My brother was speaking loud enough that people around us knew that it was Christmas "gifts" and they were leaving as soon as he passed them off to us. Oh, those gift exchange rules? Apparently they no longer exist. Who knew. I got a check in a card that was labeled only with my last name. I agonized over the gift for who's name I drew. But neither I, my sister, nor our children were worth more than the effort it took to sign a check, insert it in an impersonal card, and be handed off to us by my brother, while the parental units pouted in the car.

My gifts that I purchased? That is the one and only exception to the "seeing them at church only" rule. I shook the entire drive to my parents, kept my fear hidden, and dropped them off. Only Mother was there. I stayed only long enough to drop them off and confuse her about my holiday plans. She thought I was doing XYZ. (Like she really cares) I looked at her like she'd grown another eye ball, said, "Uhhh, no..." and left. She got exactly nothing from me. If she made an attempt to be a part of my life in a healthy way, she may have more insight into my life. *shrug* Her loss.

The upside is, with the holiday season over, the church meetings and programs are over. So...twice a week. That's all I'll see them.

your mother is NOT confused.
I'm torn on this one. Why? Cause I know she comes from an abusive background and Dad's no better. It's his way or the highway. This weekend, his panties were really in a knot. There is noooooo telling what he's telling her. Could she see what I'm trying to do? Maybe. But not if he's feeding her poison from Unicorn Land. I know her enough to know she won't ever stand up to him or back him down. Ever. Cause again, the world revolves around him.

It''s not the win you should have had because your dad is still pulling his NPD crap and didn''t wake up,
Yeah, not holding my breath on that one. I'm not doing what I'm doing to wake him up. I'm doing what I'm doing because it's healthy and right for me. Sure it would be epic awesomeness if he got a clue. Chances of that? Ehhhhh, not good.

Just trying to do what's best for me. Turns out, it's alot harder than I thought it would be.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 6:59 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6335 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Hon, it's time to limit your exposure to them. A fleet of counselors told us that doing that would cause them to explode with anger and accusations, which it did. The phase after that comes retaliation.
Yep! I experienced exactly that when I enforced boundaries with NPDMIL. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!! But I stayed strong and stuck to my boundaries and things are much better now.

(((Aubrie)))


Posts: 11777 | Registered: Mar 2008
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Just trying to do what's best for me. Turns out, it's alot harder than I thought it would be.

So hard. So so hard.

The way to avoid awkward gift exchanges that you have to drive to their house for? No more gifts until they're ready to see a counselor with you. If that's what you want.

Something along the lines of an "NC until counseling" letter maybe? I know that it feels like engaging, but as long as you keep the line you draw then you won't have to do it over and over again.

"I love you both. This relationship is toxic and until we can communicate healthfully I think that it's safer for myself and my family that we get some space from the hurt. If you would like to meet with me in the presence of a professional, objective 3rd party such as a counselor, I would be open to that. Until then, I wish you peace as I go to seek mine."


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17909 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Oh my gosh, they would loose their minds if I drafted a letter like that.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6335 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
KBeguile
Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

I wish I could say "Thank God it's over," but I still have in-laws to do yet this weekend. Ugh.

I can't wait until the 2013 Holiday Season is in the rear-view mirror. I'm sick of seeing how much it hurts Heart to have to live through all the associated memories.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
landabear
Member
Member # 15046
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, December 27th (Friday)

Oh my gosh, they would loose their minds if I drafted a letter like that.

Gently: so what?

What happens then? The earth wouldn't stop spinning. QS and you would still have a beautiful family, and your own lives.

Obviously rhetorical, and obviously you don't have to do therapy with your family because it comes from the premise they *want* to change, which neither you or I or anyone here could know, but:

So what?

Take some time to think through that. Same way you would with any other anxiety or phobia. Think all the possible scenarios through to the end, because really....they aren't that bad, even the "bad" ones.

I have a feeling the best thing for me is to curl up on the couch and read self-help books today.

If it's about this particular topic, the one needing to read isn't you. The only caveat I would offer is Codependent No More - always a fantastic refresher!

They aren't going to chase me off like they've done countless others.

I think you really might want to talk to QS about this. I get the feeling, the sheer outrage at the idea they could MAKE YOU LEAVE YOUR CHURCH?!!!! but it's not them making you leave - it's you choosing to limit your exposure to toxic people. And congregations can be chock full of them.


BS
Divorced: March 2006
Married to a wonderful, FAITHFUL man: October 2009

Posts: 742 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Midwest
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, December 27th (Friday)

I guess I'm not understanding why I have to write a NC letter. Last conversation with Mother (couple weeks ago) I said that I would love a relationship with her, within the proper boundaries. (Which were spelled out in the meeting two months ago.) They aren't stupid. It's not hard to figure out. Why should I have to tell them yet again that I won't engage if XYZ doesn't happen? It doesn't really accomplish anything.

Therapy isn't an option. Here's the lovely thing about Dad. He dances all around. The manipulation is there, but you caaaaan't quite nail it to the wall. kwim? I've tried. For years. And I end up the fool. So for us to have a sit down, knock down, drag out therapy session would accomplish nothing. Because when I specifically say, "You do XYZ." he flips back to, "Honey, you are a big girl. You aren't my responsibility anymore. You can do whatever you want. I don't care. Blah, blah, blah, smoke and mirrors, manipulate, passive aggressive, so on and so forth."

They aren't going to chase me off like they've done countless others.

I think you really might want to talk to QS about this. I get the feeling, the sheer outrage at the idea they could MAKE YOU LEAVE YOUR CHURCH?!!!! but it's not them making you leave - it's you choosing to limit your exposure to toxic people. And congregations can be chock full of them.
QS isn't leaving. Period. It's not as "simple" as us being right, them being wrong, and us not letting them chase us off. It also has to do with being called to a certain location and ministry. It has to do with knowing that despite the crazy people that I'm related to, I'm where I'm supposed to be.

There's a pattern. He joins a church, he makes friends, gains status or power in some form or fashion, his crazy peeks out, people start distancing themselves from him, more crazy peeks out, if people don't pretend they don't see it and start calling him on his crap, he stomps off and joins another church. Lather, rinse, repeat. I've spent my life moving from place to place, church to church, wonderful people fading in and out of my life because of Dad's inability to say he's wrong and accept responsibility for his wrongdoing.

Yes I'm outraged. Yes I'm defensive. Yes, I refuse to leave. Not only because of being led to sit under the ministry that I'm under, but also because I'm sick of having to run from place to place, due to his stupidity. It's an odd package deal. Why should I have to uproot my husband and children? Why should I have to walk away from the church and the people within it, because my parental units are there? Why do I have to suffer because of it? We have every right to be there too.

I have a gut feeling that if I just hang on a little while longer, he'll show his true colors to everyone here and he'll either have to get right, or leave. And if it comes to the second choice, I won't have to worry about it anymore. They'll move away (he's already making connections on the other side of the state) and all contact will cease for good.

That's his track record.

I just have to be stronger. Sit tight a little longer.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:25 AM, December 27th (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6335 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 27th (Friday)

I have a gut feeling that if I just hang on a little while longer, he'll show his true colors to everyone here and he'll either have to get right, or leave.

I used to wish for that. Gave up a while ago. I suppose it's possible, but it's been my experience that people will overlook just about anything just so that they don't have to deal with it.

(((Aubrie)))

PS - I've got a gem about this going in OT. Hugs to us all.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17909 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 15