SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Does the pain dull over time?
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

It been 3 months since dday and some days are better than others. I have soo many fears. Im wondering if I go through all of this pain, my WS does everything right and a year goes by or two years go by, will the pain still be soo strong? I know I will have triggers and I know I will never forget. But for those of you who are 1,2,3+ years out ... does it still hurt the same when you have a trigger? do the mind images/videos fade or become less painful? I wonder if it's worth fighting for sometimes? Or if I should just cut my losses and move on, I'm afraid that I won't get past the deep, realistic Butcher knife in my heart or the constant battle between my heart and head...


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
Kap12
Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Thanks for this post. I have the same questions and fears.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
Beemer
Member
Member # 38499
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Yes Kate - the pain will dull over time... I'm about 18 months out now and I've just realized in the last few weeks that I'm going longer stretches without thinking about "IT" - there may have even been a whole day in there somewhere that I didn't think about IT.

Get ready for your new favorite four-letter-word: TIME. It sucks, plain and simple, and there is no way to rush it... I remember being just a few months out and worrying that there was no way I was ever gonna get my brain back. Mind-movies had completely taken over me... I couldn't believe it. I remember thinking to myself, "what did I used to think about all day before this happened?"

I'm sure others will be along shortly with even more words of wisdom... Most say to count on 2-5 years to really get through this crap.

Good luck to you Kate - remember, no matter what happens, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS - with him or without him, YOU will be OKAY.


BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Gently, once you've been betrayed, you've got to deal with the pain. There's no way out - it doesn't matter what outcome you go for.

My experience was increasing pain for 3-4 months, a plateau for 3-4 months, followed - finally - by a gradual reduction of pain, punctuated by a few horrible periods of spikes, usually around 'antiversaries'.

The pain doesn't get dull, IMO; it's gone.

I embraced the pain to the best of my ability - I felt it and did my best to let it flow out of my body. I did some of that in IC. This included several episodes of pulling over to the side of the road.

If you stuff the pain, it sticks around and grows.

This is meant to be optimistic, and I hope you see it that way.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10363 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

It has for me.

Well, "dull" isn't the word I'd use. It receeds.

When I think about it, when I put a little effort into remembering the two days between receiving the suspicious text and disclosure, I can still feel the pain and anxiety as sharply as ever.

But the immensity of those days has shrunk. My wife's affair, and my resulting pain, are huge things in my head. But they pale in comparison to the size of my life. To my kids, to my successes and failures, to my hobbies, all of my other joys and regrets. I can look at it as a "thing that happened" and move forward now, I can see around it.

Kind of like leaving the mountains. At first they dominate your environment. They're all around you, then they're all you can see behind you leaving no room for anything else. In time, though, they're just a haze on the horizon. You know they're still there, you can remember them vividly, but they're not filling your entire world anymore.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 302 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
RipsInMyChest
Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Kind of like leaving the mountains. At first they dominate your environment. They're all around you, then they're all you can see behind you leaving no room for anything else. In time, though, they're just a haze on the horizon. You know they're still there, you can remember them vividly, but they're not filling your entire world anymore.

That is beautiful. Thank you!


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Oct 2013
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Yes. I'm at 10 months and back to being (mostly) functional.

I remember having a difficult time standing up at first. It was difficult to just get through the hour.

By six months the challenge was getting through the day. Then major improvements between 7 and 10 months. I no longer just try to get through anything. Despite thinking about my WW's A 24/7 it doesn't incapacitate me. Even though we still have one major problem to sort out -- they still work together -- I can actually have fun with her (at times).

Affairs on TV or movies don't bother me anymore and I forget about her A through parts of my work day and -- surprisingly -- during Christmas dinner with family.

I think about it at night, but it doesn't keep me from sleeping.

So yes, the pain recedes. Even in my case where I feel the A isn't truly over until there's NC, even at work.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Yes, the pain does dull over time. I'm only about a year out and 4 months from finally finding out the whole truth (I think - I hope). I can honestly say, that the pain is not as intense nor as often. Not to say that it's gone. It's not. But, it is easier to manage and it doesn't happen as often. Even the anger isn't as strong. You are so new to this. I felt like I'd die from it - I wanted to die from it. But, I didn't and it did improve. It just takes time - lots and lots of time.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1321 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

We are 4 years, 8 months, 13 days from DDay.
The pain my husband feels still overwhelms him, not as frequently as it did, but it still cuts him to the core.
For him, it is0 PTSD, double betrayal, 40 years of his life a lie, can't sleep, triggers, roller coaster of emotions...
Some days I feel that there is no hope for us; today is one of them.
H asked me to go steady 47 years ago today....
Who knew then what our lives would turn out to be?

kate....Beemer got it right. The key word is TIME. It's going to take as long as it takes (Dr. Phil).
Wishing you peace and happiness sooner rather than later.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2854 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

(((Kate)))

It's getting better...duller...less frequent spikes of the old, severe pain...I still think about it all day, but it's sort of in the background most of the time.

Strength to us both.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Agree with all of those above.
2 1/2 years out. The pain has dulled.

Another thread on here a couple of weeks ago stated something like:
If the house was leveled to the ground, & you are rebuilding, why build just a hut, why not build a mansion.

That is what we are focusing on now.
I am not even focusing on OW anymore-----that took a long long time for me, because she seemed to walk away unscathed & move on with her life with no consequences, while I & our 4 kids were in so much pain. And, she continued to work in the same building with WH.
But it is not even an issue now. We are building our marriage stronger & stronger every day. Things are good.
Once & awhile it hits me ---that WH was intimate with someone else---but even when it hits me, the pain is not as sharp as it was.
Our love has grown.

There is hope.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
badmedicine
Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Short answer: yes

Longer answer: The way it does and the time it takes probably varies from person to person. I think it depends on so many factors, like your coping skills, your emotional state, and any prior trauma that you have in your past. For me there have been phases. For 6 weeks it was all I could do to shower, eat a few meals and not cry at work in front of everyone (like making it out the door or to the bathroom counted as success). After that I got a slight reprieve, where 15 minutes could pass without thinking about the A. This is when I thought we were trying to R so that probably helped. Then another turn for the worse happened and lasted about 2 more months. This was because I was in limbo. The more you can do to accept and process your feelings and work through them the better. Suppressing things at work to allow me to function meant that almost every night I was anxious, stressed, sometimes crying the entire evening. But I got through it and so can you. If you're like me seeing people on here that are 2 years out (reconciled or divorced) and still hurting sometimes is very hard to swallow. But it's our reality. We didn't choose it for ourselves but it was thrust upon us to deal with. I am moving toward divorce now but that hasn't made it easier. I thought it would, but it hasn't. I wouldn't say you can just "cut your losses and move on". I wish it were that simple!!


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

I'm 2 1/2 years from Dday1 and 17 months from Dday2, yes...it does dull. I still think about it daily, but I don't cripple under the pain. It's there, but I am able to look at it analytically. It hurts, but not down to my core anymore. It just *is* if that makes sense.

Time. Everyone hates that word but it's true.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, December 27th (Friday)

I don't spend entire days in bed, unable to leave it, wishing I could just cease to be. I did that at least once a month for the first year.

I no longer park my car in the driveway and cry my eyes out, not really wanting anybody to see me like that. Again.

I don't hide in the bathroom with the shower running to cry, see above. These too were weekly events if not daily for awhile.

I don't check up on him obsessively. He goes out of his way to show me he is trustworthy.

I don't have to inundate him with a list of all his transgressions against me and our family. Again, a weekly event...

Coming up on five years. SI is right about that, too!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3656 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
caland
Member
Member # 31397
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, December 27th (Friday)

I'm more than 2 years from the final d-day. I'll be honest in that often if feels sort of like a dream/other life now. I forgot the woman's name the other day when I was going to bring it up (this may well be that my thyroid is going nutty and I'm just plain messed up by it!) But the point is I'm clearly not regularly thinking about her/it exactly anymore.

So, yes, the pain has dulled. But I still get that pit in my stomach feeling sometimes. Every time he doesn't answer his phone or if he's late or similar, I feel a bit of anxiety. That stuff triggers me.

So there was damage to our relationship and fears/lack of trust in me that haven't resolved. I can say I'm nearly certain my husband isn't have an affair. But in my heart I know it's possible, and that wasn't true before.

But the hurt, even when I think of the things that just devastated me, is less now by a lot most of the time. Time helps. I really feel we've healed. But, at least for me so far, it healed with scars.

[This message edited by caland at 12:38 AM, December 27th (Friday)]


Me (BS) and fWH, M 16 years
young kids
D-Day 2/22/11, lots of TT, D-day #2 and also came clean with it all 3/2011

Dday #3: 10/2011 I found out he had returned to the OW about 6 months into what I thought was R


Posts: 173 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Illinois
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, December 27th (Friday)

I think it depends a lot on the BS's personality, on the circumstances, on the WS - there are lots of variables. For me Year 2 has been worse than Year 1, although the pain is not as fresh, raw and intense, in many ways it is worse because the reality is sinking in that this is REAL, it REALLY happened, it will always be a part of my history. I am finding Year 2 much harder going.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 2:43 AM, December 27th (Friday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1022 | Registered: Oct 2012
BeautifulEmpty
Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, December 27th (Friday)

How do you rebuild a marriage? Nothing seems to apply to us anymore.
He is eager and willing but, roughly 16 months out, I'm really struggling. I have no value within our marriage and nothing special between us. I feel no seeds to grow from. If I feel loving or okay with us, it's just me falling back into my old, easy patterns. It's nothing new.
How do you rebuild?


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, December 27th (Friday)

YES IT DOES. It's not easy to be patient and it's a hard road, but it does get better.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8109 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 27th (Friday)

For another "mountain" analogy, my doctor shared this with me.

In life we run upon many walls. Most of them we knock down, and go thru. Sometimes you will run into a wall you can't knock down. You can stand there and beat it until your fists are bloody, holding up everyone behind you, or go around.

After going around, the wall will still be there. At first, when you look back, it is still huge. But as you keep moving, its gradually gets smaller. Still there, just smaller.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
wanttogoforward
Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, December 27th (Friday)

Short answer- YES.... Long answer- sort of

It will get better and some of the nasty feelings will lessen and some will even be blocked out by your brain to protect you.

However, at 4 years (me) I still trigger.... certain things, days, holidays still make me think and I wish I could feel better about those. Even last night my H brought up meds again. Not going there again... tried some... didn't work.. don't want to again.

Just wish he understood that at this distance out I still struggle sometimes.... and that a hug and touch might be all I need. It did dawn on him last night that Christmas is not fun for me since this has gone down (Dec. 2009). I do what I have to and each year I hope and pray that the cheer and happy spirit will return. I see tiny glimpses but wonder if it is just me hoping for it so badly. I remember enjoying driving down the street this year as the holiday lights were on and thinking how pretty they were.... that's about as cheery as I got this year. I guess I will take the therapists advice to fake it till I make it... someday....


Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 27th (Friday)

What itsaclimb said. And year two is when my BS decided to have two affairs. The reality of it is crushing. I get it. As long as ppl are turning to each other and not self medicating....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5270 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Thank you for all the replies. It's so scary to think of this pain lasting forever. This has made me feel a little comfort. I think I'm having a hard time in accepting that this can never just go away, no matter how hard we try


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Thank you for all the replies. It's so scary to think of this pain lasting forever. This has made me feel a little comfort. I think I'm having a hard time in accepting that this can never just go away, no matter how hard we try


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 27th (Friday)

I can safely say I am healed. I entered infidelity hell 10 years ago, came out of it 8 1/2 years ago and we are still together and enjoying the sunset of our marriage together.

I remember dates, but they are not "anti-versaries" any longer. They are just "that happened then, yep." and now is very different from then.

I was worried that I would never be able to heal. The pain and rage were tremendous. Amazing what time and work can do! I had what could be callled a "trigger" a few weeks ago, but it was a flash, and nothing more.

No matter what your outcome, you will still need to go through the grieving/healing process. I can't speak to separating or divorcing, neither of those happened here. It can be a tough process to try to reconcile with someone who hurt you so badly. It took a long time for me to actually "see" that my husband was working hard to be considered trustworthy again. The veil of pain and rage was mighty thick! As time went on and I got treated for PTSD, the healing stepped up and I feel a lot like myself again. A less naive self, but like me.


FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Some great SI members already chimed in...but I am going to too!

Yes, 16 months out the pain morphs. I still have days were I feel the raw pain from my wifes intentional choices...but it is morphed into a profound saddness.

Pain and saddness use to morph into anger and rage....but then back down to saddness.

TIME plus INTENTIONAL work are the two main ingredients.

I like the statement a fellow SI member made that....."The pain is intense, but pales compares to the immenseness of my world."

You are 3 months out....go easy on yourself. I never felt the pain (co-dependent plus FOO issues) until 2 months out....was even slower to find healthy rage!

So I am on the bottom of the SI bell curve...but hope I comforted you some. It absolutely does improve....

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3981 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Arnold01
Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Kate, you've gotten some great replies from other SI members. I'm earlier in this journey than some of them, so hopefully this perspective adds to the input you've already received.

My experience at 7 months out is that when I feel the pain, I'm not sure it is any less than it was at first. If I think hard about my moment of discovery, or those first few weeks, or about the relationship my husband had with OW, it hurts just as much and I can still find myself unexpected in tears. But...the great news is that the moments when I feel this pain are definitely fewer and farther between than they were in the first couple of months.

As others have said, the journey isn't always linear. For me the first two months I thought I was doing well, but in retrospect I was just numb. Then...once my husband decided to end all contact with OW, I thought I'd really move past the pain, but the pain actually got far worse. I think that my husband's taking active steps to start R and make me feel safe allowed me to feel the pain that I'd been suppressing for the first two months. So months 3 and 4 post-D-day were a living nightmare.

Eventually I decided that I would need to throw myself into R and to do so, I'd need to feel the pain but also be willing to let go of it once I'd felt it. Since then, I think about the A every day pretty much during every moment that isn't occupied with some other mental activity, but it's more something that is just there and part of my life. What actually triggers the most emotion in me now is thinking about how great my H has been these past few months and how much better we're doing and how much stronger our relationship is. It's not exactly tears of joy, but the strangest positive things trigger me like crazy and I turn into a sobbing ball of emotion. I'm counting my blessings and definitely prefer this sobbing to the sobbing I was doing right after D-Day!

Good luck to you and hang in there. It does get better.


D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
kate0421
Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

Bump for neecee -


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 274 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

I LOVE ascian's mountain analogy. So beautiful and so true.

I think, for me, the healing is seriously impacted by what is happening in our relationship over "time". Am I getting more bombs dropped on me? Are there compounding, new, fresh wounds to heal from? Is my H being truthful with me in the little things of life? Is he being transparent and sharing himself with me? Am I feeling validated and respected and valued? - or at least are those things being sincerely expressed towards me even if I can't feel or accept them from him yet? Are we making new memories and is my H actively moving forward and doing everything possible to make me feel safe again?

I sincerely thought I would die from the pain. I prayed to die. But here I am a year later, and that intense pain is getting further into the distance. It can't be undone, and I am moving towards acceptance of that. I am capable of feeling happiness. I am very clearly healing from a pain that is in the PAST. It is overwhelming at times, but it is BEHIND us. If I face forward, my journey is not overwhelmed by the magnitude of it. It's getting closer to being a rear-view mirror kind of thing.

But the imperative thing - and the game changer for healing from the pain - is that the A and the pre-A behaviours are not happening NOW. I'm not sure I will ever be at a place where it is so far behind me that I couldn't bring it all back up with a fury should I need to access it again.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
BlueBlueEyes
Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

These are questions I struggle with every day. I'm two months out. I believe there's been a huge game changing revelation. But if I'm wrong.... I can't even think about how I'd get through any more. Still hour to hour mood swings. At least I haven't actually cried In a couple of days now. Way down from 5 or 6 times per day. I'm starting to concentrate for an hour or so each time at work. I'm really ready to stop the panick and get to peace. These two women were so awful. It makes me feel low. I'm not sure it would be better if they were attractive or good people though either. I don't think there's an upside regardless. Still just hurt.


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

I am almost 4 years out and have had a truly remorseful WH from Dday forward.

Without question the pain subsides, the triggers (those that I am unable to remove from my world) lose their impact, and the mind movie no longer play like a continuous loop in my brain.

It took me at least 18-24 months to feel a true sense of peace and to rid myself of the rage, anger, and deep hate that I felt for my WH.

If however, you engage in suppression then no, I don't believe that the pain will subside. It may disappear for a while as you block it out but it will come back with a vengeance.

I too remember feeling as if i would never be happy again. I genuinely believed that I would never smile again. Thankfully, I was wrong.

As long as you want to R AND as long as you have a remorseful WH whose actions are proving to you that he is 100% committed to you, your M, and to fixing what he destroyed then I would say hang in there ~ it really will get much easier.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
knockedsideways
Member
Member # 29859
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 25th (Friday)

Yes the pain eases and disappears over time. The feelings of hurt and betrayal are raw and fiery at the beginning, but if the wayward spouse is remorseful and changes behavior then that does soothe the pain away eventually .
I thought I was ok four years on, but I just saw news that the OW has just died and it brought sadness rather than rage to my heart. When I remember how much I cursed her and raged at the very idea of her I realize how much time has changed me.


Me: BW (46)
Him : (F)WH (46)
D-Day 8th June 2010
23years of M (25 together)
2 teenagers

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Europe
Topic Posts: 31