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User Topic: Need advice
lost94
New Member
Member # 41244
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

In the past year, I have reconnected with several high school friends that I haven't talked to in 20 years. I have to admit it has for the most part been really nice. One of my friends that I have reconnected with met my AP last New Years eve. Long story short it didn't work out between the two of them. My friend and I had a conversation a month or so ago about the kind of person he is and how we would both be stupid for having anything to do with him. Last Thursday, my H took me to my hometown, as I had a classmate that committed suicide and everyone was getting together to remember him. My hometown is where the affair occurred and we knew that my AP would be at the bar. I have thanked my H several times for letting me go. I told him we didn't have to go, but he insisted. So, after we got there my friend and AP started looking pretty chummy and noticed they were both getting ready to leave the bar together. I pulled her aside and reminded her of the kind of guy he is and that she would get hurt again. She told me she was a big girl and she would be fine. It was hard for both me and my H to see her leave with him, but that is not my problem and I'm not going to worry about what happens there. My question is this.... I don't want to give up my friendship but there is no way that I can be around him on a regular basis and I don't want to see photos, conversations, etc between the two of them on Facebook. I am doing the right thing by telling her that I can't have contact with her as long as she is with him right? I don't want to end our friendship but also feel like it is something I need to do. I have not spoken with my H on this yet, but do plan on doing that soon. Sorry for the long post.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

My advice is sever all ties. Anything that keeps the AP in your lives is not conducive to healing your M.

People drift in and out of our lives. Some friends are great for that part of our lives. But they don't have to stay.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

So your "friend" knows you had an affair with this dude. She knows what you did with him. She knows that the AP helped you destroy your marriage. And she went home with him...(which is totally her choice.)

But knowing she knows your history and the fact she's now carrying on with AP, why exactly are you still friends with her?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6170 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
lost94
New Member
Member # 41244
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Thanks Aubrie ... that is the same question I have been asking myself. My H and I were just talking about this and I said to him if she was my friend she wouldn't have done this. It's hard for me ... please understand she was a really close friend in high school and I missed that friendship, so even though I know this is the right thing it still hurts.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

I understand completely. I'm in the midst of a nightmare situation with my very own family and cutting those toxic people out. It's incredibly difficult.

Here's the thing. You need and should want healthy relationships with people. You should be safe and secure. Not having to watch your back or look over your shoulder. Your husband should be 100% secure in the friendships you have.

If the two of you stay friends, he's going to constantly be on edge. That reason alone would be enough for me to cut contact. I wouldn't want QS to be fearful of my friendships with others. kwim?

I'm not advising you flippantly. I know the struggle you're having. I'm living it too.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6170 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
looking forward
Member
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

She is no friend to you now, knowing your history and completing dismissing it. She is selfish.
She may have been a true, close friend 20 years ago, but people change. Treasure the memories you have with her from high school.
Aubrie is right. It will be a hard decision for you to make, but it is the right decision. Your H and M are far more important than a resurrected friendship from 20 years ago.


Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
lost94
New Member
Member # 41244
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Thanks everyone ... the other sad thing to this is my H really like/d her .. he doesn't really like or want this to happen but we both agree that if they ended up together long term we could never be with them anyway. I will be there for her if she ever changes her mind, just can't do it right now.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

I have a question for you.

Where do you stand right now with your BH?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

I have a slightly different take on this. She's been involved with him in the past, right? And that didn't go well... History has a way of repeating itself.

So, I say just wait it out.

As far as you being hurt that she left with him- why? Why do you care enough about him to be hurt by that? How does your H feel about that?


Posts: 11605 | Registered: Mar 2008
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

I would disconnect from her because your committment is to your husband, not your friend. Your friend knows the score. I would set her aside because it is a legit worry about coming into contact with OM. It's a choice to support your husband or to be friends with someone who has an agenda that could hurt your husband.

Protect the one you love and have a committment to.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
lost94
New Member
Member # 41244
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

Floridaredman:
We are doing well really. We still have lots of bad days but we are also having more good days.

Thoughtiknewya:

I was hurt by her not him. I don'tcare what he does. I thought she was my friend and valued our friendship more.

I did send messages to two close friends on Friday telling that in order for me to heal and move on with my life I needed to disconnect from those that are connected to AP. I removed them from Facebook as well as a few other people. I feel bad for a few people that didn't do anything wrong and are getting caught in the cross fire of this. I can't and won't risk seeing or hearing his name or face again. I just hope with time that everyone will understand and forgive me. I never heard from the girl that is with him. She didn't respond at all, which in some ways speaks volumes. The other close friend basically said ok. She said she wasn't going to even try to change my mind and wasn't going to give me her opinion. It was and still is tough. My H tried second guessing my decision ... he doesn't want to see me lose my friendships. I told H and girlfriends that I would always be here for them if they changed their ways. Hope all this makes sense.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2013
ResoluteH
New Member
Member # 39673
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

My AP was a friend from high school that I reconnected with on FB at a time when I was making connections with lots of people from those years. She still lives in my hometown -- a small town about a 6-hour drive from where I live now -- which is also where the physical part of the affair took place. Ultimately, after the affair, I broke all contact with her and with anyone who might bring me into contact with her, including deleting friends from FB and even blocking some of the ones closest to her. That didn't require me to sever any relationships as close as the one you describe, but even so I feel a sense of loss. In fact, I feel that I've almost lost my hometown because I'm not at all comfortable going back there.

Here's why I'm telling you this: It's worth it. Absolutely, with no hesitation. I feel some of that loss, but my marriage is worth it.


Resolute Husband

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2013
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

I ask that question because I am curious to the fact of you really Wanting to be With him. He questions you're true feelings for him. He feels like second choice and inferior. What do you do to make him not feel this way?

[This message edited by floridaredman at 6:02 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
lost94
New Member
Member # 41244
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Floridaredman:
I reassure him on a daily basis that I want to be here, that I love him and that he is not a second choice. I have also joined this site, removed some toxic people from my life and I am trying very hard to let him into my "boxes."

Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 14