SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: Double betrayal with emotion vs just sex
million tears
Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, December 27th (Friday)

I know my first dday was quite a while ago but there is something that I just can't get over. He cheated with his best friend's wife. Not only did he do this to me but also to his best friend. The 4 of us did everything together during the A. How could he and the OW act normal with their dirty little secret? I think that takes a special kind of asshole.

His second dday was with our friend AND her husband. They didn't go all the way but the kissing and fondling were just as bad. Just sex. How can sex be so important?


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, December 27th (Friday)

Believe it or not, sex for men is like affection for women. Men feel emotional towards someone they have sex with. It gives us that feeling of love, at least it does for me.

When a women has sex with a man, it speaks volume. It says:
"I desire you..."
"I want you like nothing matters..."
"I will do whatever to make you feel love..."

Just compare it to when you get affection and how special you feel. Either way, all these should be reserved for our spouses... It sucks when you know that boundaries have been crossed.

I know our WS become this selfish creature that believes:
1. I am entitled to this
2. I have a need and I need it met by any means necessary.

Affairs are like drugs, candy for a broken soul. Why would someone choose their best friends wife or any friend of the family...

POOR BOUNDARIES to start, and at some point, they cross a boundaries slowly before they realize it is too late and then they are caught up in their web, their drug and just let go of is right and wrong and just all out no matter what the cost. They create a fantasy between themselves built on their own desires and lies while avoiding all the responsibility of real relationships.

No one gets hurt if they don't know about, and we don't have to suffer if no one knows. This life is absolutely polluted and built around lies and secrecy with no truth. It's built around making each other happy no matter what to keep the drug coming.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 27th (Friday)

I will also never understand how my WH could just have sex with someone for as long as he did with what he says was no emotional attachment on his part. Of course he convinced his whore he would leave me and that he loved her. Stupid whore was still falling for it 3yrs later when he finally threw her under the bus with her cheap engagement ring he got her during year 2 of their A to shut her up. It still boggles my mind of how he could compartmentalize it for so long. It also hurts to know that he is the type of person that I would have never dated, much less married had I know how truely heartless he really is.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Sex is extremely important to me. It's one of the main reasons I would ever enter into a committed relationship with someone. It's also one of the main reasons I would leave someone...if the sex dried up.

Of course being sexually or emotionally unfulfilled doesn't give anyone the right to cheat.

The truth is though that most men cheat due to a physical unfulfillment, and most women cheat due to an emotional unfulfillment within their relationships.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 27th (Friday)

The truth is though that most men cheat due to a physical unfulfillment, and most women cheat due to an emotional unfulfillment within their relationships.
I don't believe this at all. There are WH's who's BW's had sex with them everyday or practically everyday. They still cheated. There are BH's here who were there 100% there for their WW's emotionally and they still cheated.

The main reason that people cheat is because they have poor coping mechanism's, poor boundaries, FoO issues, poor self esteem, need constant external validation, and are selfish assholes.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9642 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, December 30th (Monday)

The truth is though that most men cheat due to a physical unfulfillment, and most women cheat due to an emotional unfulfillment within their relationships.

I don't believe this at all. There are WH's who's BW's had sex with them everyday or practically everyday. They still cheated. There are BH's here who were there 100% there for their WW's emotionally and they still cheated.
The main reason that people cheat is because they have poor coping mechanism's, poor boundaries, FoO issues, poor self esteem, need constant external validation, and are selfish assholes.

I have to agree with that. My WW said she was looking for someone to take care of her... That is the biggest CROC I ever heard, and she going to sleep with 2 men...


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, December 30th (Monday)

I agree with SisterM....I don't think my ws went looking for sex . We were having sex but we had a huge wall between us emotionally. I think he was looking for a connection then the sex followed. Rather than invest time in fixing our problems, he went looking elsewhere, someone to tell him what a great guy he was.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5026 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Sammy2013
Member
Member # 41040
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Yeah, I with sisterMilkshake on his too. Our sex life was extremely active and always amazing (everyday before he started to travel and twice a day when he was home). WH felt an emotional detachment and instead of coming to me (because nothing had changed in my eyes) he went elsewhere. He sees now that he was delusional. But he didn't cheat due to lack of physical fulfillment.

As for the sex being so important? I know it was huge for me when I found out it went beyond EA. But to my WH sex was very spiritual for him. It was how he showed me he loved me. It was very emotional for both of us, even during the A when I was clueless. So when I found out they had sex, it destroyed me. Knowing he tried to get that connection with someone else was heartbreaking.


WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Waiting, observing,

Posts: 208 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, December 30th (Monday)

My wh cheated on me with his best friends wife too and she was my friend though we had drifted apart by dday it still hurts like hell and now I don't have any interest in having friends. What's the point? It's amazing how much this affair has taken from me.

Also wh and I were having more sex during the affair then we had been having before because we were trying to have another baby. Of course having a baby became my main focus with sex and not purely satisfying his "needs" her on the other hand she was "his own personal prostitute that he didn't have to pay" (how special right?)


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 244 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 9