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User Topic: Newlywed cheating
herongirl
New Member
Member # 40398
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Since joining this site as a BS, I have learned alot & been helped tremendously by reading others' stories. There are truly many courageous people here, both WS and BS.
I haven't posted much though because of an attitude that I've encountered here, that I saw again today in another thread. That is, a spouse that cheats as a newlywed has very little chance of changing & we should just cut our losses because we don't already have the time invested. For me, that is incredibly simplistic & unhelpful advice.....bordering on just plain hurtful.
IMHO, all cheating is wrong & indicative of problems, regardless of when in the marriage it occurs. There is no better or worse, all cheating sucks, & the bottom line is whether or not the WS has the true desire to change.
My H cheated from the time we met until I found out, 6 months into the marriage. I have been reluctant at times to post here, for fear of hearing I should just leave him because he was "never faithful", & after all, I didn't have years invested yet. Is our situation really worse or more unsalvagable than say, the H who cheats at 10 years & lies about it for 10 more?
Yes, my H wasn't ready to be married last year but we are now talking about all the things we should have talked about before we married. He has shown me he is remorseful, & wants to make our marriage work & I am giving him a chance to prove it. I actually think we can now create an even better relationship, because every aspect of it has been brought to the table. We're learning to be more open with each other, so that hopefully, in the future we will be able to turn to each other, instead of looking outside. Is this a guarantee against future infidelity? Of course not, but I do think it gives us at least a chance.
If I believe people can change, I have to be willing to give him that chance, whether he cheated on me in the beginning or 20 years down the road. It all depends on their willingness to own their behaviors & do the work. End of vent.


Me- BS
D-day 1/21/13
Trying to reconcile

I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 27th (Friday)

You make quite few good points but in defense of the policy of recommending divorce [or annulment] with newlywed cheating, its mainly a statistical exercise. Someone who cheats in the rosy idealistic days of early marriage is not a good bet for future fidelity. Doesn't necessarily guarantee they will commit further adultery, just that they are much more likely to do so. All some SI members are saying is that the BS might as well cut his/her losses and move on because logically the WS is a bad risk.

Its more of a hard-headed approach, not only considering love, but also looking at the marriage as a business; conducting your life as contentedly as possible, and rearing a happy family. Naturally, you have a much better chance of success with a mate who doesn't cheat before the ink is dry on the marriage certificate.

Incidentally, the best of luck with your reconciliation. I admire your positive approach.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 27th (Friday)

I think it depends on the person and the situation. Every situation is different. I'm not even married, and I'm trying to R. Many people have told me to leave.

But, I do think you have a different set of obstacles when you don't have years of faithfulness before the A. I can't base my decision to stay on the fact that my spouse gave me years of love and respect. In some regard, I feel like I'm taking a bigger risk. I've decided to try to believe that he's changing, but I think it's harder because I question who the real him is. People who have been together longer are more able to know who the real person is I think.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1206 | Registered: Jul 2013
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, December 27th (Friday)

I understand your fear in posting and the responses you will get. Just remember that at the end of the day, no one knows your relationship inside and out, like you and your husband. Only you and him will be able to decide if it is worth fighting for. I think most people on here have good intentions in their advice, even if what they say hurts.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, December 27th (Friday)

I believe that was my post. Here is the thing my Wh's last marriage ended due to...you guessed it infidelity. If he wasn't still lying and minimizing I'd say there was hope...but I don't know. I have almost the same timeline as you. He started in our early dating days and continued 6 months or longer into our marriage. You may be able to accept that but I can't. How is your Wh's behavior? Has he admitted everything? Does he shift blame? Accuse you of cheating? Gaslight? Minimize? Or is he remorseful? I believe every person is different and really only you can decide whether or not you believe change can happen. Maybe I'm wrong about WH and I guess that would be good news for the next person. I'm guessing my WH will be fishing for a replacement within days, as he did when we separated, which would prove he still doesn't get it. I'm done living in denial. He is who he is. He's been through three KNOWN affairs and still doesn't get it.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Herongirl - I hear what you are saying. I also understand the statistical aspect, but it comes across as so heartless. My H cheated from the beginning of our relationship until he got busted 3 days before our wedding. I married him anyway. We had 1 child together and one on the way and he had developed a stron relationship with my daughter from my first marriage. I was 6 months from dday when I found this site. I posted my story, including background, in JFO and one of the first comments I got was that my H was a serial cheater, would never change and I should leave now. I was angry and hurt and I never started a thread in JFO again. Looking back almost a year later, it still stings, but I've come to understand that people post from their perspective, not ours. Everyone's experience jades them in their responses to others. I remind myself of that every time I see a post that seems heartless or very cut and dry.

On a side note, my H and I are 16 1/2 months from dday and have a much stronger relationship than we ever have. It can be done and I hope all the best for you.


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jan 2013
MairISaoirse
Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, December 27th (Friday)

I hear you herongirl- as someone not even married yet I get told that I should leave a lot too and just cut my losses.

Just saying if you truly believe there is a chance, that you can both over come this and he can do the work to make sure this never happens again, kudos to you for wanting to try to make it work.


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Nothing is impossible. I'm sorry that you feared posting your views because this is a very safe place. Although we disagree with each other at times, the mods will absolutely not tolerate personal attacks of any kind.

That being said, you feared how we would respond because we might disagree with you. And I don't believe that you're completely convinced yourself of your stated position.

I believe you when you say that you and your husband have discussed things that should have been discussed before marriage. I also believe you that you both want your marriage to work, and that he is remorseful.

I think you need to do what you feel is right for you, and I don't think anyone here would disagree with that. Some of us are sour on relationships...understandably so. I know that I am.

We all wish you the very best in your future with your husband and in your personal life aside from your marriage. I think all of us cringe when a new member reveals their pain, all of us cringe when a seasoned member makes a new discovery of betrayal. We tend to protect each other here, and we tend to circle the wagons. We do it because we're maybe a little older and wiser than we were yesterday. Please take that for whatever it's worth.

My personal belief is that it makes more sense to seek counsel from the older, wiser people than it does to seek counsel from those our age or younger. But you do have to make your own choices. And please believe that we will support you no matter what you decide to do in your marriage. Sometimes we're a little overboard because there are things in our own lives which are out of control, and we don't want to see anyone else experience the pain we've gone through.

If you take nothing else from any of us, please hold off on having children for a while. Once kids are added to the picture, the foundation of your decisions will be permanently altered. Hugs. You really are safe here.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, December 27th (Friday)

My H cheated from the time we met until I found out, 6 months into the marriage.

Starting a relationship on a lie is never beneficial. You are lucky you learned of the lie early regardless of the path you chose from here on out. It''s always easier to handle knowing what you are dealing with than being lied to, gaslighted, fobbed off etc.

I have been reluctant at times to post here, for fear of hearing ...

In my time on SI, the things that were hardest to hear were the truest. When I came in 2008, I didn''t believe a single thing anyone told me. And hence I wasted 4 years thinking I was dealing with an A, but instead it was all false R, and As plural. If I had listened to what people were telling me, it wouldn''t have taken me 4 years to see that my xWH was not remorseful, and was not capable of being faithful.

Is our situation really worse or more unsalvagable than say, the H who cheats at 10 years & lies about it for 10 more?

You can''t look at it like this. Betrayal is the worst for everyone, regardless of it''s form. If you allow yourself to say, "well look at so & so, my situation isn''t *that* bad", it''ll condition you to accept what actually is unacceptable. Starting a relationship with another person when you have sworn before the state/god that you are forsaking all others is not ok. It doesn''t matter when in your relationship it occurs or how often, once is bad enough.

You''re here, so your question isn''t how bad is it (the A). Instead it''s, is he remorseful (actions not words)? Is he a good bet? Has he shown a propensity to lie to cover up whatever (not just affairs but anything)? Can I get past this? Can I trust him? Can I be okay with what happened? Do I want to run the risk that it won''t happen again? And so on. These are your questions now, and no one here is trying to answer them for you. They are merely giving you a window into hindsight, knowledge based on years of seeing what usually happens, years of seeing 1000s of other SI members relate their experiences. Stick around long enough and you can''t help but see a pattern. You are free to try to buck that pattern. Goodness knows I did.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
herongirl
New Member
Member # 40398
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I knew there were probably more of us out there & I'm glad I found the courage to post.
I have never been one much for statistics, & have led a rather unconventional life. "Statistically unlikely" has never slowed me down. The one statistic that does interest me though, is that a marriage is more likely to survive infidelity if the WS is remorseful & willing to do the work.
To answer cl13176, yes I have accepted it, which is not to say I excused it. If my H was not remorseful, still lying/gaslighting/blameshifting or generally continuing down the same road, yes I would probably not think it was worth trying to R, but fortunately that's not the case. I'm pretty sure I'd feel that way at any point in our relationship. Everyone has their own dealbreakers, regardless of the timeline.
It is heartening to hear of others who have been in my situation & made it through, thanks for the support.
I often come here when I'm having self-doubts/triggering & obviously a bit over-sensitive at times. I understand everyone comes from their own perspective & try not to personalize it too much. Not always successfully.
To EDI, I'm 52, so probably no more kids
To cayc, my point was that you can't compare, there is no better or worse regarding cheating. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, but that doesn't make mine any less likely to work.


Me- BS
D-day 1/21/13
Trying to reconcile

I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, December 27th (Friday)

One of the things you'll read over and over on SI is this - take what you need and leave the rest.

There have been times when someone has posted a response to me that I felt was out of left field or a bit harsh, but one thing I know for sure - they were posting from a place of sincerity. People here want to help. They have good intentions. Doesn't mean you have to like what they have to say or follow their advice.

I will also tell you that those responses that struck me the wrong way? Were often exactly what I needed to read. Even if they were off-base, they made me examine my situation from a different angle and with someone else's lens. I've never found that re-examination to be a wasted effort, even when it didn't change my opinion.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25740 | Registered: Aug 2011
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, December 27th (Friday)

I wouldn't tell someone to run just because they were in a new relationship.
I can say, though, that after my experiences, I would definitely run fast and hard and save myself from unnecessary heartache if the WS was unremorseful.
But, you have to look at the whole picture. If the WS is truly remorseful, giving transparency, complete NC with the AP, etc., I would NOT recommend D. But if a WS who also happens to be in a new relationship, when he or she should still be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship is already cheating, not truly remorseful, hasn't been transparent, and continues contact with AP, or suspected contact with AP, AND is a serial cheater from previous relationships, I would definitely advise to quit while ahead.
Most of us have lots of experience and hindsight on our side.
It makes me MAD, I mean boiling MAD when I see the emotional abuse of not only the A, but the lieing, projecting, gaslighting, and blameshifting that some of the BS on here suffer. If I could prevent even 1 person from experiencing years of that shit, I would do my best. If it is a new relationship, and there is no true R, hell yes I would want that BS NOT to go through what some of us endured years of. Take a look at Nature_Girl and SBBs stories. They are survivors, but bet money they would rather have not had to endure half the abuse their Xs put them through.
I truly doubt most of the people here would advise even a new relationship to cut and run if the WS was showing true R. Some, maybe, but most, highly unlikely.
Perhaps, the person advising to cut and run saw signs that you didn't see yet, of the train wreck waiting to happen. Maybe they didn't know how to adequately express this sentiment to you.
I cannot tell you how many times I have just kept my mouth shut, because there was no way to nicely tell someone that they were sticking their head in the sand.
Nobody deserves to be cheated on. If the WS, regardless of how short or long the relationship was going on, is NOT truly R and NOT putting in the effort, then it's time to walk. No it's time to run. But especially if the relationship is short lived, save yourself the heartache.
Love is supposed to be just that LOVE. It isn't supposed to make you cry, it isn't supposed to devastate you. It is supposed to uplift you, and make you each strive to be better for each other.
Love isn't abusive, sneaky, or hurtful.
I put up with almost 3 years of that asswhole treating me like shit, or worse complete indifference. That's 3 years of my life. But we were together almost 10 years. I promise you, if he had treated me even half as bad in the beginning, I would have left his ass 10 years ago after the first sign of cheating. If he had been super fantastic, then cheated, but then remorseful, that's tougher. I was younger and didn't have as much invested. I might have left and I might not have. I do know this from watching a lot of relationships end from infidelity. Most of the WS treated their spouses like gold in the beginning, and it never got better, only worse.
Only you know your whole relationship. Only you can determine if he is worth the hard work of R. Because if you've taken a gander over to the Reconciliation forum, it's no walk in the park.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2334 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
herongirl
New Member
Member # 40398
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, December 27th (Friday)

NIK, I can usually manage to sort out the helpful from the not & have also had moments of realizing an uncomfortable truth about myself or my situation in reading here.
I found SI the day after D-day, & one thing I have learned is that the biggest factor in reconciliation is how remorseful the WS is & how willing/capable they are of doing what's necessary to heal themselves & the marriage, not what type of affair they had, how long it was, etc.
It just strikes me the wrong way to hear people immediately advise running in this situation, as if there is no chance at all. I realize this is just my perception, & because I am painfully aware of the statistics, it brings out my self-doubt & feeling of an extra layer of shame. As if there is a sort of stigma about it. It feels more like a generalization than a statistic
I just wanted to say that it can feel a bit disheartening at times, that's all.
The funny thing is that this has never actually been said to me, but every time I read it in a thread, I wince.


Me- BS
D-day 1/21/13
Trying to reconcile

I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013
badmedicine
Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 27th (Friday)

Hi herongirl,

My WH was having an affair that started soon after we got engaged and continued through almost 2.5 years of marriage (so 3.5 years total). I am so sorry you are here and having these experiences instead of newlywed experiences I've heard about. Our situations are somewhat different since my marriage is longer and therefore had time to have major problems but I wanted to give you a little encouragement.

First of all, you know a lot of things. You know that your spouse cheated, that he is capable of cheating. You know how it feels to look at him now and you know some of the complicated emotions and thoughts that go through your head. You also know that people will have opinions, strong opinons, on this matter. Knowledge is power!! This is a good thing.

Second, you seem to have a remorseful spouse. This is truly the essential thing for reconciliation in my opinion. True remorse includes empathy. If you are getting that, and actions back up the words, you are light years ahead of me. Something I did was to list all the things I thought I would need for trust to be restored and for us to have a marriage again. Then I grouped them into a time frame (i.e. things that would happen immediately, 1-3 months, 3-6 months, etc) and watched for it to happen. Unfortunately for me after 4ish months I was still having new pain, new betrayals, and lots of sorry/regret but no true empathy or remorse. I filed for divorce and now I'm waiting. I feel certain that my WHs reaction and actions over the last 4 months made this decision. My point is that if you create a list of what you need to see (and share it with your spouse) then you will be able to examine it for progress.

Third, you have time. No one can make this decision for you and no one else has to be in your marriage to your WH. You mentioned you are 52 and so starting a family isn't an issue and I would guess that career/life decisions are a lot different at your stage than mine (I'm 32 and have no kids). This is another good thing in my mind because you don't have extra pressure. Please, take your time. Being angry and upset is no time to make a choice to end your marriage. However, having some accountability with a list, a friend, a therapist, or at least SI will keep you honest with yourself. A wise friend of mine told me recently to listen to the advice of others but to remember that it comes from an imperfect source. People who care about you will try to protect you and spare you pain. These same people will also accept your decisions, even if they disagree at first.

Take care, herongirl. Keep posting, keep going.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Hi Herongirl, I'm a WS so I hope you don't mind.

A lot of people (me included) think there are differences that point to the mindset of a WS depending on when the cheating occurred during the marriage.

When I made my marriage vows over thirty years ago, I was sincere at the time.
I had no thought or concept of breaking them.
Tragically decades later, I did.

Your WS on the other hand lied through his teeth while making his vows, in the full knowledge that he had no intention of keeping them.
He had already cheated and was going to continue.

Most people understandably, tend to view this mindset as morally corrupt and beyond salvation.
Sadly experience on SI and statistics agree with this view.
That is why the advice is usually run and save yourself further heartache in the future.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

The odds are against you, I wish you luck.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

I found out six months into marriage too.

I have never once regretted leaving. Giving me a second chance without him was the best possible gift my POS ex could have ever, ever given me.

Then again, mine wasn't remorseful.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13798 | Registered: Jul 2011
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

I think to a large extent, those who have said "run!" were probably in the same position of trusting someone who had cheated on them for a long, long time, and were fooled into thinking their spouse had finally 'seen the light' and had turned over a new leaf and they were going to get their happily ever after, after all.

Only to discover a couple years later that their spouse had gone right back to their old cheating ways and the BS had just spent 2 or 5 or 10 years of their lives wasting it on someone who clearly didn't deserve it.

But by then, they've entangled themselves financially with homes, loans, cars, etc. etc. and have had kids together. That changes ALL your options. That's why you'll see people telling you to run while you can - not so much because you 'don't have the time invested with him' as you say in your post. I think these people learned that if they'd run when they had the chance, they wouldn't be in positions where their options are now incredibly limited after having kids and becoming financially entangled up to their eyeballs.

As the others have said, take what you need and leave the rest. However, those who say 'run' are coming from a place of regret for not having done so, but that doesn't make their advice any less valid.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

I think to a large extent, those who have said "run!" were probably in the same position of trusting someone who had cheated on them for a long, long time, and were fooled into thinking their spouse had finally 'seen the light' and had turned over a new leaf and they were going to get their happily ever after, after all.

Only to discover a couple years later that their spouse had gone right back to their old cheating ways and the BS had just spent 2 or 5 or 10 years of their lives wasting it on someone who clearly didn't deserve it.

But by then, they've entangled themselves financially with homes, loans, cars, etc. etc. and have had kids together. That changes ALL your options. That's why you'll see people telling you to run while you can - not so much because you 'don't have the time invested with him' as you say in your post. I think these people learned that if they'd run when they had the chance, they wouldn't be in positions where their options are now incredibly limited after having kids and becoming financially entangled up to their eyeballs.

As the others have said, take what you need and leave the rest. However, those who say 'run' are coming from a place of regret for not having done so, but that doesn't make their advice any less valid.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

I'd say the benefits of a forum like this are mostly for to vent, and gain perspective, not to receive informed, valuable advice.

Really, how could strangers on the internet be considered valid to advise in such an emotional and important area?

Get it off you chest, see how others handle their issues, stroke your self esteem, but make your decisions based on the facts and feelings in your life.

Professional help, or input from trusted advisers should always be considered.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

I'd say the benefits of a forum like this are mostly for to vent, and gain perspective, not to receive informed, valuable advice.

I disagree. SI can be a great source of informed & valuable advice.

The trick is to discern where the advice is coming from and to filter the emotional perspective.

Is it from a bitter & jaded BS who divorced their unremorseful WS.
Is it from a BS who has successfully reconciled with a remorseful WS.
Is it from WS who hasn't fully 'got it' yet.
Or is the advice from a BS who is at the start of the process and who is full of righteous anger & rage.

Even professionals colour their advice with their own perpective.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
hurtsobadinside
Member
Member # 35308
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Herongirl

Every marriage is different....you know your husband better than any of us here on SI know him.

Right now (this early in your marriage) you should be in your "Sweet Symbiosis" stage (cant keep your hands off each othere etc.) this is ..long before "Soured Symbiosis" comes along...where you need to learn how to communicate..

My WW had affairs in her 1st marraige....and to this day, 1st husband doesnt know. (she told me and also told her AP about this)

At the time i was dating my WW, i didnt know what i know today about infidelity (the cheating spouse is broken..has mal-adapted coping skills) ...and had if I did, I would have made sure she knew why she cheated...and made sure she had fixed her brokenness...but she ended up bringing it into our marriage.

IF you have a remoursful Wayward husband.. (which is key here) you can repair your marriage. But its up to you...you are the one that needs to heal. In time as you approach this with wisdom, its memory will fade into the distant past, and you will view this as something you greatly profited from. I hope that happens for you if this is what you want.

I was given advice here in SI by many to file for "D" to wake my wayward wife up from her fog...but i knew her better than anyone here on SI, so I gave my WW "patience" as she had asked.

this was completely against what was suggested to me.

Now this goes contrary to my healing...as a BS, but in my marriage, this was necessary..(we had a daughter going thru a horrific eating disorder problem that spanned 4 yrs and this would have destroyed her)

I do not regret that decision...as you will make the decision that works best for you.
I send you strength and hugs..to get thru this roller-coaster ride you did not buy your own ticket for.

me: 58
her WW- 57
7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss
one D-24 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB
married 25 yrs
in "R" and its been roller-coaster
D-day 3-13-12
confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spent 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)
I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards
True NO Contact- July 2012
Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly
its a long road....and painful and she finally understands the true value and extent of the gift I gave her in both "R" and not telling anyone about her "A"


Posts: 151 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Illinois
hobbeskat
Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

I think it's simplistic to say how brilliant the early months/years of marriage should be. Our first months of marriage were awful- we both got hit with a slew of personal events that we weren't in anyway prepared for. And we both dealt with it badly by deeply resenting it and mentally writing our marriage off. My WH dealt with that by having an A, I dealt with it by turning my feelings inwards.

As your WH was unfaithful during your wedding I would be inclined to think differently. But I know what it's like to be a newlywed cheated on, and it sucks :(


Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

I'd say the benefits of a forum like this are mostly for to vent, and gain perspective, not to receive informed, valuable advice.

Really, how could strangers on the internet be considered valid to advise in such an emotional and important area?

I'm sorry, the posters here don't seem like strangers to me at all. I have used this forum to vent many times. But I've gained some incredibly valuable advice here as well.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3698 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
herongirl
New Member
Member # 40398
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

Slowuptake, I should clarify that my H had already stopped cheating before I found out, he didn't delete his msgs with OW & handed his phone over when I asked, knowing everything would come out. Since then, he has been remorseful & doing all he can to repair the damage..
Where I have a problem, is this:
"Most people understandably, tend to view this mindset as morally corrupt and beyond salvation. Sadly experience on SI and statistics agree with this view."
Really? Even if they are remorseful, (which I've already stated before he was)? Cheating in the beginning of the marriage trumps all other considerations? This seems to contradict the general consensus that W remorse & positive actions are the best indicators of potential successful R. Does that not apply to those of us who were cheated on early on?
I come to SI for support mainly, not necessarily advice per se, & hearing
my H is "morally corrupt & beyond salvation", or " the odds are against me" even though he is remorseful, just feels less than supportive.
At any rate, I'm glad I posted & appreciate the support I did receive. Hopefully, others in my situation will see they aren't alone (or fools for even trying) & maybe others will be more sensitive to the subtleties of others' situations before voicing negative suggestions based on generalities or statistics.
I'm also glad I have somewhere to talk about this, even if I don't always agree with all the responses.


Me- BS
D-day 1/21/13
Trying to reconcile

I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013
luvedmypbear
Member
Member # 25690
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

(((herongirl)))

My xfwh cheated early on in our marriage....it had been 1 1/2 years since we walked down the aisle and we already had an eleven month old and I was 8 months pregnant with number 2. It was another year and a half before I accidentally found out.
He was not remorseful, became physically abusive when I asked him to commit to the marriage and to fidelity and made his escape from me. As it turned out, he had sex with his brother's girlfriend while we were dating.....back when I thought things were perfect and blissful.
His brother just recently told me and honestly thought I already knew and that it was the reason we had divorced.

When I found out, I could have walked away. We didn't have years and years between us. I had a high paying job, he was unemployed. I owned my own home. Many people IRL and on here advised me to run and never look back but I loved him and was willing to try anything to reconcile. For us, and for me particularly, this attempt came at great cost but I don't believe your situation falls into the same category as mine.

Would I ever advise anyone to throw a chance at R away? Never. Would I do the same thing if given a do over? Absolutely.
I loved my husband very much for several years. I was faithful and loved with my whole being. I deserved every bit of that in return. My kids deserved to be in an in-tact and loving home.
Unfortunately this wasn't possible but I would never regret trying.

SI has supported me when I was stupid and when I was smart. Some folks gave me the truth when I couldn't hear it and I sat on it until I could.

It has been 6 years since the first PA and 4 1/2 since I found out.....turns out now he first cheated on me over 10 years ago....and we are divorced but it is still incredibly painful to have found out again. There was nothing real, nothing genuine or special between us. I will never know why he took me for a ride for as many years as he did. I don't think he ever will either.

I support and admire your choice. Something I learned early on is that there will always be infidelity stories that are worse or better than your own none feels quite so awful as what you have experienced. The only person who knows what is right for you is you.

I hope all goes smoothly on this journey and can see you have the strength to handle whatever comes your way.


D-Day July 14, 2009
3 kids (B7, G6, B2)
BW, 37
D and healing, one day at a time

Posts: 1034 | Registered: Sep 2009
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

I apoligise if I offended.

Please don't shoot the messenger.

I was simply pointing out why people advise 'ending it' when cheating occurs at the earliest stage of marriage.

I hope it all turns out well for you.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

herongirl, it may not be what you want to hear but many of us have experienced being betrayed after many years or decades of being married, with children and all of the financial entanglements that results from being enmeshed with another person for so long. We would have loved for our spouses to show their true colors at the beginning of the relationship. At least we could have made a much less complicated choice.

It appears that you are looking for reasons to believe that this behavior is an aberration or a one-off thing. Most of us who are marriage vets can remember the early romantic years. Cheating during that period seems especially troubling. It indicates to me that there are deep-seated problems. If you choose to stay married to this man, I hope he gets intensive counseling. Best wishes.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1451 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
jzkc1502
Member
Member # 40496
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

My WH cheated was cheating on me the months before and after we were married, I found out 4 months after our wedding he was contacting escorts for at least 7 months...but most likely more. I WISH I had cut my losses, right now I could be 3 years on with my life instead of where I am now. Where I am now is finding out 2 months ago my "remorseful" husband had condoms in the car, a Vicodin, and photos of his hard penis in his deleted bin on the computer. Now, I'm faced with blameshifting, accusing me of cheating etc. So now I am going to be divorcing him...which is going to be a lot more involved than it would have been 3 years ago.


Me: BS 29
Him: WH 29
Together: 9 years, married 3
DDay: August 2010
OW: Escorts/Craigslist (escorts and strip club on our honeymoon!)
Status: Divorcing. All papers filed, waiting on date.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: NJ
omgnome
Member
Member # 36888
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Hello Herongirl.

I often preface my posts with my background. My wife had EAs with two people (that I am aware of). One I know for certain was going on within weeks of us getting married until he got upset about how she insulted his girlfriend. The other may have happened at the same time or before I have never gotten a straight answer, but I know for certain there was a second go round with EA Partner 2 within two months of me discovering her first EA with EA Partner 1 (didn't discover the first EA with EA Partner 2 until later).

It is a rough position to be in and see that your newlywed partner has been unfaithful. I won't give you any advice on whether to cut bait or to continue the hard work on into the future. I find that SI is an excellent resource, but it is important to realize that those that respond to posts come from every background imaginable, long term affairs, short term affairs, long marriages, short marriages, kids, no kids, kids that are born from infidelity. It also stands to reason that there are a wide variety of outcomes as well. In my opinion (I do think this one is worth it's weight in gold) it is important to take others advice and support where you can get it from and to come up with your own choices. You ultimately have to make the decision for what is right for you. It does help to view other's opinions and experiences and filter out what works for you.

I think a lot of times what you hear when people say to get divorced right away is that many have been stung in the past, thought everything was okay, only to get stung again. I think they look back at their situation when first finding out and see that when they were freshly married their lives with their spouses/partners weren't quite as meshed as they are years down the line and maybe they regret the time between as lost time.

I know looking at my situation, I've been married now for two years, I discovered the infidelity six months into my marriage. I am still not certain if I want to remain in my marriage, right now I am seperated and leaning towards divorce. My wife only began putting in the effort into reconciliation a year and a half after I discovered her first EA. The reason I haven't filed for divorce yet is because I want to make sure my decision is a rational decision, whether continuing int he marriage is the right path for me or if it isn't. I won't make that decision for another few months. At that point though it will have been two years since I had discovered the first EA. If I end up divorced i think I will feel that those two years had been wasted time. Time I could have used to heal better and move on with my life. If that happens I believe that I will have wished I had just divorced right away and I may council others to take a good look at their situation.

What does that mean for your situation? I don't know. I just suggest looking at other's opinions and treating them as such, opinions. You have to remember to filter their advice through their experiences. I think doing so helps to guide decisions, but ultimately it is your decision, only you know your situation and whether or not your spouse is putting in the work to make you feel better and for you to heal.


BS

Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2012
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Dear HG
I am sad you find yourself here at such crossroads. Infidelity indeed sucks no matter where you are in marriage
But duck.. 2x4 coming

I think you are cautious to post because in your heart you know what we are going to say is true. What you seem to be missing in all our post to newlyweds or even BF/GF relationships ... We are trying to help you, save you from the years of pain, doubt and pure hell that you are going to endure. You say that there's not much difference between being married 1 year vs 20 ,30 some folks 40. Yes my unfortunately there is a huge difference. We have put in those years with our beloved only to find out our entire life together is a farce. You my dear have an opportunity. Many BW will divorce after years because they just can't live with the fact that someone they knew, loved and trusted for most of their life turned out to be such a selfish asshole and often for some bimbo that meant nothing. It makes you think back all those years you were married and question every act, every moment. You don't have to think you wasted your youth on someone who threw it away...when you are young you still have time to find someone who will treat you with respect and love. Someone who deserves a trustworthy faithful spouse. Do you know how often I look back and think" what if I hadn't married him". How would my life turned out. I can say that I love my husband and that he had a moment of weakness but I'm not sure I would marry him again. He was my soulmate. He was that person who I told all my secrets to and who held me anyway. He was my knight in shining armour. He has broken my trust my heart and my love. I can never really go back to what we were. But our family is good and our Child is good so I will accept that we will never be what we were. But if I find out he cheats ever again I am gone. So I ask you before you get to far down and before you have kids why oh why would you endure the torture. We are giving you a glimpse of your future. I am somewhat offended that you take our comments as something against you instead of looking at it as something that could save your soul, save your sanity.
Ultimately it's your choice and you will live with it. I can tell you that if I were in your shoes with what I now know I would definitely walk away and dust myself off and leave the door open for future love.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 10:54 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, December 30th (Monday)

the bottom line is whether or not the WS has the true desire to change.
From my perspective and general life experience, I do not believe that MOST people change their entire ways of dealing with life, including their moral outlooks, etc., when they are adults, but I am sure there are many who would argue that statement with me. My H changed but he did not change from a serial cheater with no morals to a faithful man. He was basically a faithful man with a tendency to get caught up in having his ego stroked at low points in his life. It was definitely not about sexual conquests of other women. He did not have a "pattern" for falling into As with women who stroked his ego. It happened once, and that was once too many, of course. And his "change" was to learn to set strict boundaries so he would not be vulnerable to something like that. I have a lot more confidence in that type of change, than for someone like my XH, for example, who cheated with more prostitues than he could ever hope to count. But that is just me and I truly don't believe I try to tell others how to live their lives in their circumstances even though it might not be what I would do in those circumstances.

But I am definitely not making a statment that people can't change. If your H can change into what you want him to be, then it is certainly your choice to give him that chance. I will say that if I was in your shoes, I would D because of this statement you made:

Everyone has their own dealbreakers, regardless of the timeline.

It would absolutely be a deal breaker to me if he cheated during our courtship or in the first year of our M, but I'm not suggesting because that is true for me, it should also be true for anyone else in particular.

Is our situation really worse or more unsalvagable than say, the H who cheats at 10 years & lies about it for 10 more?

I'd say about the same. And this situation would also be a clear dealbreaker for me, obviously not for everyone else though. I won't say it is "unsalvagable." For me, it would be unforgivable, and so I would divorce. I can forgive someone like that if I don't have to live with him as my spouse. I have forgiven my XH who was a serial cheater throughout most of our M (I didn't know about most of it until near the end of the 13 year M). But I do not regret D'ing him. Not at all.

4everfaithful83 said:

Just remember that at the end of the day, no one knows your relationship inside and out, like you and your husband. Only you and him will be able to decide if it is worth fighting for. I think most people on here have good intentions in their advice, even if what they say hurts.
I agree.


Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, December 30th (Monday)

I caught my XSO cheating a few months after we began living together. Believe me, I could have saved myself a world of heartbreak if I'd kicked him out of my house that very instant. Oh yeah, he was so, so remorseful. Really? No. He was sorry he got caught, and in later affairs, just covered his tracks better.

In your case, herongirl, I sincerely hope your H has seen the light. But it takes more than one's spouse saying, "Oh, I am so so sorry. It will never happen again." Actions speak louder than words--and the best indicator of future behaviour is still past behaviour. Again a percentage remark, not a generalization.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7284 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Topic Posts: 32