SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: hiding whereabouts
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

My BH would not tell me where he goes. Like when he has trips related to his job, he would not tell me where and how long he'll be gone.

This of course always leave me very worried waiting forever for him to come home. He also does not respond to my text messages while he is away.

Like now, he's been gone for 2 days already and I haven't heard a word from him. It's killing me .

Any WS out there in the same situation? Please HELP!


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Not ideal behavior from an adult, for sure BUT...

He's lashing out. You do understand why, right? All you can do is talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. You can't control him, you can only decide what you will tolerate. It looks like you're still close to d-day from your join date, so it may be too soon to expect him to be concerned for your feelings in the matter. Just voice your concern and try to be empathetic. Remember, he doesn't want to feel the way he does right now.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

If you have children, this is totally unacceptable. Lashing out and being pissed is fine and normal, under the circumstances.

But to just fall off the face of the Earth. Unacceptable.

However, let him do his thing. Pretend it does not bother you. I would also keep track of these events, just in case. And in your case with the violence and bullshit, I would see an attorney.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 7:34 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

I just reread your posts here on SI and honesty feel that your BH is abusing you. He disappears on weekends, he verbally abuses you in front of the kids, he has held a gun to your head - how much more can you take?

Yes, you blew his world up by having an affair and his behavior would be understandable (minus the gun) if your DDay was a couple weeks ago. But after 4 months, he shouldn't be disappearing for days. He also needs to be accountable. You two have kids and he is their father; he needs to act like one through all this ciaos, as hard as that is....

(((helplessme))))

[This message edited by SandAway at 7:01 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

longroadhome,

I did communicate with him about it but he only shuts me down. He doesn't show any care with how I feel. It's now 4 and a half months from Dday. Yes I understand how he feels though. I just wonder how others WS's who are in the same situation handled it.

Thank you!


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

longroadhome,

I did communicate with him about it but he only shuts me down. He doesn't show any care with how I feel. It's now 4 and a half months from Dday. Yes I understand how he feels though. I just wonder how others WS's who are in the same situation handled it.

Thank you!


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Hi helplessme -

This is more unacceptable behavior. If he wants to act as if he's single, then he needs to make that call. He cannot mentally and emotionally abuse you to the extent that he does.

I'm a BS - I understand lashing out. This is beyond lashing out. Is your H in IC? Are you in MC? I think that would help you tremendously.

I think your H needs to learn some better coping skills. Yes, he's hurting, but abuse of this nature is completely not acceptable. I hope, if he's not in IC, that he will go. He clearly has trouble expressing his hurt in healthy ways, and I think he could use help with this.


(((Hugs)))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Daisy1967 and Sandaway,

Thank you for sympathizing with me. Yes, I feel abused, emotionally especially.

I just don't know what to do right now. I am doing my best to show my BH how sorry I am but I do not get any support from him. I feel I can not do this alone. I need him to at least hold my hand.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Painfulpast,

We both do not go for IC or MC. Those are not readily accessible where we live. Also, if I do open that to my BH, Im sure he will decline. He is too proud. He holds quite a high position in the city where we live and he is well known. He would not want anyone to know he is undergoing counseling. He is a man with high pride. I deeply hurt his pride by having an A


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Not speaking to the abuse or any other lashing out that you are experiencing...it sound like you have a lot going on.

I would be purposefully vague about where I would be and when i would return from work or trips. I would show up earlier than she expected. This was my attempt to make it difficult for her to make plans to cheat. All of the A meeting happened while I was away. In my head if she didn't know when I would come home she wouldn't risk getting caught again. It was a futile attempt at control but in the crazy mind of a BS it made sense.


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, December 28th (Saturday)

Probably just my mood so take with a grain of salt. but i think thats bullshit. we all seem to talk about how childish we were during our affairs. So for him to now act like that is bullshit. You wanna be angry? Every right. Wanna 180? Ok fine. But the fact remains. Your still in a relationship with someone. If he doesn't want to reconcile that's his choice. Keep doing what you need to heal yourself. And let him act like a child. Sorry, having a really angry day

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

Sorry if my post has stopped people from posting

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

I agree with you

Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

Helpless,

Disregard my advice above. I didn't have a grasp on your entire story. What I said would hold true if not for the rest of it, but in light of everything (a gun?! Holy shit!) perhaps you should just take a long hard look at how much you're willing to tolerate. A bunch of us, including you, think that you're being abused. How long will you stay in an abusive relationship?

[This message edited by longroadhome at 2:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

I don't know your story. But if what I have heard is true. Get your children and get as far away from this man as you can. And get protection. I don't care who he is or even who people think he is. He will hurt you. If he hasn't yet he will. In my line of work I see it everyday. Get help and get away. He's an ass. Believe me your not blameless in your marriage. But you do not need to deal with this. Even if he agrees to get help. Which pride aside asshole you need. Don't be around him while he does. And keep getting help for yourself

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

helplessme, please check your PMs


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
MairISaoirse
Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

I agree with other posters as well- your H is acting out of line

WS are allowed to have deal breakers and draw lines too. You are allowed to leave.

best wishes ((hugs))


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

Look. I''m a BW. I am TOTALLY for the WS to do everything possible to help their BS to process what they are going through. I am, unashamedly, on the BS''s side.

And I am telling you. You need to leave. You need to file, you need to legally divorce your BH. You are in danger, IMO. Do I condone your adultery? Heck no. Said with conviction. Does your BH have a right to be upset, untrusting, demanding, etc? Heck Yes! Does he have a right to abuse you. HELL NO. NO one, NO one, should feel threatened in their home. And that is what you are, threatened.

Yes, get yourself into IC and figure out why in the world you committed adultery. Also, figure out why you think that you deserve to be abused. And find a lawyer, file for divorce, work out the child and financial arrangements, and then hunker down and work on yourself for a couple of years. IMO, of course, there is a cancer running through your marriage and the two of you, your BH and yourself, are not good for each other. Separate before something truly tragic happens, if not for your sake, then the sake of your children.

I am trying to say this with as much compassion as I can. But I cannot possibly convey to you, over what is essentially email, how worried I am about your situation.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

to everyone ...

THANK YOU for your genuine concern.

I appreciate all of you and your contribution to advising me.

I pray I will be able to get this through by God's help and yours.

Thank you from my hurting heart


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

Also, just want to add: about the GUN. He only poked it at me once. On the night of Dday. He never showed it to me after that.

So I am not really scared about the gun. But I am very scared with his verbal and emotional lashes


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, December 28th (Saturday)

He only poked it at me once

Once is too many times.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

Is that your justification? Im sorry that is just stupid. get the hell away from him.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

My BS thinks I was to harsh. Truth is I don't. Dont keep giving him the opportunity to hurt you. Or your children. What he does to you affects them. This man needs help. And "pride" is a reason not to get it? Please take my harshness as just very loud advice.

Posts: 290 | Registered: Aug 2012
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

He "only" poked a GUN at you.... cause poking is so much better than pointing?

I don't think you understand that you are minimizing a potentially dangerous situation.

There are some things you just don't do to fellow human beings. You don't pull a weapon on them. (Unless of course your life is in danger and its self defense)

Poking, pointing, waving in the air....it doesn't matter. Your HUSBAND pulled a gun on you.

I don't care how angry/hurt/whatever he got, if QS ever pulled a weapon on me? Bye. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6291 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

Poking, pointing, waving in the air....it doesn't matter. Your HUSBAND pulled a gun on you.

This is criminal! If he is still lashing out and this angry after 4 months, he might be in a downward spiral. You need to get away for your and the kids safety. Then once you are separated and he has the chance to calm down then you can start discussing reconciliation and workign things out TOGETHER.

And if he is not telling you where he is or how long he will be gone then I would question just how much he cares for his children that he would leave them hanging like that. Not answering calls or texts. I don't think the courts would look too kindly on a parent who disappears for stretches at a time with no connection if something happens to the kids.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Destroyedlives
New Member
Member # 41812
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

It has been very close to DDay, these things take time. However you need to set boundaries as well. You did do wrong. But his rage and out burst should not be tolerated. I am no expert. But set boundaries, in a calm rational voice tell him, you understand he was angry and was not thinking clearly, but, if he attempts to do it again, then you will (insert your plan of action) above all, do what you say you will do.

He does not want to be around you. If you smother him he wil lash out. Give him space. If he leaves ask him once where he is going, if he does not respond or comes back with a smart assed answer. So be it. You have to be strong for you and your children. You have to work on yourself. You can only control what you do. Your actions determine your out come.

If he does not want to seek counseling fine, you go, if he wants his marriage to work out he will eventually see it will help him heal too.


Me: 50 WS
Wife: 49 BS
Married:26yrs
Kids:1 from previous marriage, 3 with BS
DDay:Jan 2012

Your actions determine your outcome


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Southeast
Destroyedlives
New Member
Member # 41812
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

I would like to also add to my post (haven't figured that out) go stay with family until he has time to get over POKING A GUN AT YOU!!!!! Also, tell him that you will return when he learns how to speak and act when you and your children are around. I am certainly not condoning what you have done, but you are an adult and a woman. You should be treated like one.


Me: 50 WS
Wife: 49 BS
Married:26yrs
Kids:1 from previous marriage, 3 with BS
DDay:Jan 2012

Your actions determine your outcome


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Southeast
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

Thank you everyone It feels good to have a lot of you guys very much concerned about my predicament.

I am sorting out my priorities at the same time keeping my rythm in balance. I am trying hard, very hard to NOT give up... for my kids. I gain strength from all your wisdom and encouragements. And yes, I am working out on myself too.

I still have a lot of "revealing" to do to all of you (about my BH) but one at a time ...

I do feel very abused right now, mentally, emotionally, verbally.. but I am taking it all, trying to be as strong as possible. The Lord help me, I do not want to continue living my life this way. I am losing my dignity. I try hard to stand with chin up... but that is not very easy He is crushing my being, my selfworth is slowly diminishing


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 28