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User Topic: Saw OW
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

at the furniture store in our town, she lives in adjoining one. I pretended not to see her. She saw me though.. I just can't believe how ugly she is.

at any rate, although we are in recovery, I'm not a good candidate. I get SO PISSED when this happens. i'm not an accepting or forgiving person, apparently. I get so angry at hubby. I maintain that I should never have to see them. Two affairs is enough but seeing them too, it's just too much. Yet, he doesn't want to move. or think that it will solve our problems.

I see ppl on here how proud they are when they can just hold their head high and how these ppl have no power over them. I don't understand this...

and now, he's so pissed at me he had to leave the house in zero degrees to go for a walk.


[This message edited by rachelc at 2:09 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4906 | Registered: Dec 2010
Godsgirl
Member
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

You are incredibly hard on yourself!

I maintain that I should never have to see them.

And you shouldn't!


Every time I run errands or go out to eat, see a movie, ect. I'm horribly afraid that I'll run into one of the OW. And it pisses me off as well. It's not enough that I have to endure all this pain but I always feel like I'm looking over my shoulder. My IC asks me what I expect the OW will do (like causing some scene), but that's not what scares me. I'm tough enough that I would be able to hold my own and I'm fairly sure they would be more terrified of me . It's that the truth would be a slap in the face. My FWH had sex with so and so.



these ppl have no power over them.

This takes a great deal of healing, time, and will power.

and now, he's so pissed at me he had to leave the house in zero degrees to go for a walk.

I'm curious how he feels if and when he runs into your OM. Are you allowed to get pissy with him if he acts angry and hurt.

I can't even imagine how much harder R is for madhatters. Be kind to yourself sweetie!! And don't hold your healing up to other peoples. I have a great friend who's FWH had many PA's with prostitutes. Her last DDAY was Jan. 2013. I have no idea how she has jumped so far ahead in her healing than I have. I if dwelled on it much, I would be depressed and feel like a failure. Now how is that helpful?


Big Hugs (((((((rachelc)))))))


Me-BS (41)
Him-SAWH (41)
Together 25 years, married 21 years
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!


Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2010
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

I'm curious how he feels if and when he runs into your OM. Are you allowed to get pissy with him if he acts angry and hurt.

he was basically chased out of town by hubby. he now lives 4 hours away. We've never seen him.

I really appreciate your thoughts, Godsgirl! thank you!

[This message edited by rachelc at 2:43 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4906 | Registered: Dec 2010
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

There is no possibility of us moving. We are rooted here. I too see AP on occasion. It stirs vicious anger in me too. I understand completely.

People here will say you should forgive the AP. That will NEVER happen for me. So I understand where you're coming from there too. How can you forgive someone who never apologized? Who wasn't sorry for the hurt they helped cause?

I'd say that if your H doesn't understand how you're feeling about this, then he has more work to do on himself. His response is not okay.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jun 2012
million tears
Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Luckily the OW in my situation has moved to another state. Before that I was always looking over my shoulder. WH saw her a couple of times, once driving by our house. I never did see her.


2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

I used to see OW all the time, in every early 40s pretty woman with shoulder length brown hair.

I would tremble.

That would be so painful to see her in reality. of course seeing her is a MAJOR trigger.
Moving will not solve your problems. Maybe one day but you have a ton to do before then. But he should be VERY empathetic. Does he undertand how painful it is for you?


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

s. Maybe one day but you have a ton to do before then. But he should be VERY empathetic. Does he undertand how painful it is for you

Not sure what you mean by a ton of work to do? He is empathetic but gets frustrated because there is nothing he can do. He does understand the pain but says he gets triggers without having to see ppl.

So what is the solution? If my AP lived here I'd insist on moving. I couldn't stand seeing him, having hubby nervous, and it would maybe make his wife feel safer....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4906 | Registered: Dec 2010
mightsurvive
New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

I feel your pain. I live in a small town and see OW somewhat frequently. It has been 2 years but each and every time I still feel like I might pass out or have a stroke from the anxiety. I have confronted her a handful of times. It accomplishes nothing. I feel good about it for a couple of minutes but then sink back into questioning everything from the last two years AND I still freak the next time I see her. I swore after the last confrontation that I will never confront her again. So far so good


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Well and to add to all this two years ago today they went physical. Down at the bar, in front of god and who else in this town, they kissed on the dance floor. He said it was a guys night out. Ugh.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4906 | Registered: Dec 2010
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Do i worry about running into EAP? No, she lives in another state. And I have "forgiven" her. (For my own sake... I hold no illusions that she gives a flying fuck for my feelings) She's newly married and seemingly happy. I mean, i don't want to see her... But i don't fret over it. She's too stupid to concern myself with.

the prostitute, on the other hand. I want to run into her. With my car. Dday for this was less than 2 months ago.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, December 30th (Monday)

I live in a smallish city, and we live just blocks from the AP. Same church, same gym, mainly same circle of friends.

At 6 months, it is getting easier, and recently passed up the opportunity to know her schedule so as to avoid her. I figured, "Meh, I don't want to structure my schedule around hers."
I still feel anxious about running into her, but I am getting over it. I am in a better place than I was 6 months ago, and am in a much better place than she'll likely ever be!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:50 AM, December 30th (Monday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Please don't be so hard on yourself rachelc. I still can't go to the mall without being paralyzed with fear that I will run into her. Christmas shopping sucked!

It seems to me that you have gone through more Hell than your WH has (didn't you walk in on them?!) You shouldn't have to run into her, and he shouldn't be so crappy with his reactions to your feelings. I am so, so sorry. Maybe you should run her 4 hours out of town...

(((Rachel)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 12