SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Help Anyone. BS or WS
Destroyedlives
New Member
Member # 41812
Sad  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

I am going insane checking her phone records. I see the same numbers all the time. I know for a fact a few of them are men. She says they are none of my business, they are for her support and she will NOT discus them or it, anymore. I don't need to check them, I want to trust her. I really do. She says I am projecting my infidelity onto her actions.
What to do..... Should I be checking it? I have f***ed up so much I don't need a set back.....


Me: 50 WS
Wife: 49 BS
Married:26yrs
Kids:1 from previous marriage, 3 with BS
DDay:Jan 2012

Your actions determine your outcome


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Southeast
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

My belief is that honesty and transparency are a two way street. They should not only be a requirement for R but for any healthy relationship!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

I will re-post what I wrote in a recent thread on wayward thinking.

Definition of Infidelity

1.marital disloyalty; adultery.
2.unfaithfulness; disloyalty.
3.lack of religious faith, especially Christian faith.
4.a breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression.


IMHO, there are many forms of marital infidelity, adultery is but one of them.

It doesn't have to be adultery, it can be drugs, alcohol, gambling, watching sports, hobbies, hanging out with individual friends, putting FOO before your spouse, watching porn, basically anything that takes excessive time, resources & energy away from the marriage in an attempt to fulfill a selfish need.

Wayward thinking is the mindset that says infidelity of one kind or another is OK.
It's not just restricted to those of us whose final infidelity of choice is adultery.

ETA: I personally have been guilty of more than one form of marital infidelity because of 'Wayward Thinking', just like the OP's spouse.

Since your BS has been an OW previously, she has proven she has no boundaries.

I am starting to think there is more to the refusal to have sex with you than meets the eye. I'm sorry.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

I agree with Chicho.

Regardless of your actions, you're entitled to fidelity and transparency from your wife. Her business is your business, and she should explain the telephone numbers.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 9:05 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1386 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Destroyedlives,

What if she won't be transparent? What if she continues to simply refuse to discuss it? What is your line in the sand?


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

If you have had a more recent dday than Jan 2012, then it could be your wife just trying to get her head together. I became extremely private for a few months after dday, because I didn't know if I could trust WH. Once we decided to work on our marriage we both became transparent.

If your dday was Jan 2012 then I think there is currently only one person working on the marriage and that is you. I've learned from this site that you have to look at actions verses what someone says. She might tell you that she wants to stay married, but are her actions backing up those conversations?

The number of texts are concerning as it seems there is a dependency on one or more people. If it is her best friend, then it may just be support, but if it isn't it could be a slippery slope.

Are both of you in IC? Or MC? This could be a way to open the conversation in a safe environment.

Eta: just saw your other posts about your history and sex. I think you wife is currently checked out of the marriage. It sounds like she wants to put up a front until your youngest graduates, her actions are backing her words. She could be emotionally detaching to protect herself.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 9:42 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 465 | Registered: Jul 2013
BeyondBrokenInTN
Member
Member # 41507
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

[This message edited by BeyondBrokenInTN at 9:48 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me: BGF 38F
Him: WBF 33M
Together for 5.9 years (4/5/08)
PA - Oct. 16, 17, 18, 2013 (business training out of state)
EA - Oct. 14 - Nov. 22, 2013 (same Woman)
D-DAY ~ Nov 22, 2013 (I found emails & confronted).
Working toward Reconciliation

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Tennessee
Destroyedlives
New Member
Member # 41812
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Beyond broken in TN, I did it because i was used to sex all the time with her and the min we get married it he sex went from everyday to begging daily and getting a rag doll for a partner once a week. I tried daily for 15 years except when she was on her cycle. I just stopped trying. I cheated cause other women were paying me a lot of attention. And offering me what I was not getting at home. I had a choice, I could have remained faithful. I chose to cheat. I should have sat her down and talked to her with a councilor.

It has always been the joke around guys for years. The taste of wedding cake kills the sex drive. I'm not bashing, I'm just saying, be who you are all the time.


Me: 50 WS
Wife: 49 BS
Married:26yrs
Kids:1 from previous marriage, 3 with BS
DDay:Jan 2012

Your actions determine your outcome


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Southeast
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

she would say no, I'd climb on anyway and have my way.

This from your other post is concerning. Did you really mean this? Because that's rape. Plus the infidelity (by both partners) and the physical violence (was that just one isolated incident??) and this seems like a very toxic relationship. How is communication on non sexual related topics? Have these incidents been discussed in marriage counseling?

No secrets was an agreement my husband and I almost immediately came to after his affair confession. No matter how awkward or embarrassing. And it was eye opening. So many little things were assumed and not true. In my opinion, it's the only way true recovery can happen. BUT, it's very hard for me to do with him. I don't trust him. But I also don't have anything to hide so if he looked up phone records etc, I wouldn't care. I wish you the best of luck.


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Destroyedlives
New Member
Member # 41812
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, December 30th (Monday)

she would say no, I'd climb on anyway and have my way...

That's how she would describe it, it was never me holding her down or forcing her, she would say no at first then I would continue foreplay she would then give in and we would do it, I have asked her before if she really ment no and she would say yes, I'd ask if you ment no, then why did you pretisipate and have an orgasm. She would state she didn't want it at first. That was not the case 100% of the time. Sometimes I would try and initiate sex and she would slap the mattress and exhale very hard and say "just do what you have to do, and get this over with"


Me: 50 WS
Wife: 49 BS
Married:26yrs
Kids:1 from previous marriage, 3 with BS
DDay:Jan 2012

Your actions determine your outcome


Posts: 18 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Southeast
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 30th (Monday)

You don''t have Verizon by chance do you? They have a service (that I found out about only due to SI) that transparently sends all of a phone''s texts to an iPad or iPhone. If you don''t have one, it might work on a PC as well, I''m not sure.

She says I am projecting my infidelity onto her actions.

I would say, no, I''m concerned about this because once before in our marriage, you turned to another man for emotional support and it ended up with you and him in a motel.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, December 30th (Monday)

What I consider the usual response from a BS that has nothing to hide and is dealing with a WS that is projecting is to give you the phone and encourage you to look through it and anything else you want to look through. After a year of false R from my STBXWW I checked out of the M as well. I was done but I didn't hide anything from her it was the opposite. I was doing the 180 but whenever she asked if I was seeing someone because she was projecting I handed her my unlocked phone and reminded her that she had my all my passwords for years and was free to check whenever she felt like it. On top of that any person(s) I was talking to I told my STBXWW about her and told her to feel free to call them and ask about what we talked about. I had people that I talked to for support as I worked through my issues leading up to me filing for divorce. Transparency goes both ways. That's especially true if you have nothing to hide.

You also have a choice in the M. You only control your actions so you need to focus on what you can control and that's you. If what she is doing isn't acceptable to you then what are you going to do about it? You can't force her to give you the phone but you don't have to sit back and take this either. I am not advocating one way or the other just letting you know that you do have a say in the M as well.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 30th (Monday)

BS here.

I don't need to check them, I want to trust her. I really do. She says I am projecting my infidelity onto her actions.

Regardless if that is the case or not she shouldn't be hiding anything. My Wh has projected onto me time and time again. He has our entire relationship and marriage but I have always been transparent. Honest people hide nothing because they have nothing to hide. I personally want to prove my innocence, whether his accusations are irrational or not.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Support? From multiple men?

Sounds to me like she's in multiple EAs.

I think you should approach this as if there had never been an infidelity in your marriage. Would you find this acceptable? Being angry is normal. Wanting support is normal. Speaking privately to several members of the opposite sex and refusing to tell your spouse about it is NOT normal.

Regarding her saying she's with you for money, and that you may never have sex again - it's been 2 years, so believe her. She is telling you she no longer considers you her husband. I think you should make some real decisions about what you expect from a spouse.

She is allowed to consider the A a dealbreaker, absolutely. She is allowed to essentially end the marriage yet not separate or divorce only if you allow it.

That's the real question here - are you going to allow it?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Just chiming in really quick about the difference in libidos issue that predated the A.

A book I wish WS and I had both read before is "TheSex-Starved Marriage." It addresses libido issues from both sides and gives practical advice on how to reach a happy place in the middle. I saw both myself and WS in there, a ton.

I also agree that transparency goes both ways. I've never cared if WS took a peek at my email or FB, etc. And now that I have access to all his passwords, he also has all of mine.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Topic Posts: 15