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Just Found Out
User Topic: Update
Obim
New Member
Member # 41671
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

It has been almost a month. In mid December she told me he was still trying to get him to sleep with her at work, he denies vehemently. That next morning on his lunch break time his gps was turned off. later, on his way home from work it started flitting all over the place and registered at her house for 1 minute. I can't figure that one out because there was no possible way he could have made it to her house and then to ours in 8 minutes. At counseling that day he swore to the preacher that he had not tried to sleep with her again, but is very very angry I have texted with her, his excuse is she is trying to break us up since she didn't win him. She told him that I am a dumbass for texting with her and also that I had asked her to test him.
Some days he seems remorseful and real. Some days he is a completely self absorbed butt. He says he feels confused himself, at times he is desperate to work it out, others he is tired and thinks just ending it and starting over is the best thing.He has yet to call the marriage counselors as he promised the preacher and said that it isn't worth wasting the time & money, as he doesn't feel I am invested in staying in the marriage. Then he will act like a perfect remorseful husband and go out of his way to make sure I am ok. He also promised to go back to church and out of 3 Sundays, only made it 1. The truth is I do have 1 foot out the door. The level of deception, the fact that this was an 11 month affair, the fact that he can still not tell me WHY (his latest is he wanted to try something new & visit cougar town??). I wonder if I even really know this Man at all. Who is this person who could do this terrible thing to me and our family? Why is he not being consistent in fixing it? I know I can be hard on him, I know I am driving him crazy at times because I can think of little else, but HE created this situation. I promised I will no longer text with the OW. Last night after a little too much to drink I finally got angry at her. I have been so nice to her, even feeling sorry she seemed so pathetic. She mistakes my kindness for weakness. I am fairly sure she would jump right back into the affair with no qualms. And, tomorrow they go back to work after the Christmas break. I am already sick to my stomach just thinking about it. He knows there is now mobile spy on his phone. He knows it will record his gps if it is even turned off. He knows I can listen to the surroundings of the phone. Is that enough of a deterrent? I have no idea. I question why a deterrent is even needed. I have quit looking for details and asking questions, it just hurts to much. I know the basics, that is all I need for the moment. All I can think of at this moment is taking the next step forward, doing the everyday things needed to survive. I want my happy life back. I want my smile back. I want the loving perfect Man I feel in love with back.

[This message edited by Obim at 7:59 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me: BS-37
Him: WS-31
4 kids 17,16,9, & 7
Married 4 years
SA with a CO-W for 11 months, possible EA
DD-12/2/13

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

So what is he doing to help fix this situation? It does not look like he has taken it seriously.

A little advice... You probably won't get a "why" from him. Most of the time there is no why. Try to focus on getting yourself to a place that helps you. Are you in IC?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
demonshide
New Member
Member # 41824
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

[This message edited by demonshide at 1:11 PM, February 14th (Friday)]


Married 17 yrs, 4 children, WH has had multiply, varied affairs, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and believe God is with me.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

So, let me get this straight.

You''re not worth the investment because you might walk. Really? Oh please!

He hasn''t followed through on HIS promise to call a MC and set up an appointment. In less than a month he is SO tired that he just wants to end it. He doesn''t want to face church. What in the hell has he actually DONE?

Obim, this is a man who is regretful that he was caught and is trying, as hard as he can, to do the absolute minimum to keep you with him. If he put 1/10th of the effort that he is making to NOT do what is necessary into actually healing your marriage and stepping up to his stupidity, then you guys would be a lot further along in your healing. Step back. Quit trying to make him toe the line. Focus on yourself and to hell with him. If he''s interested, he needs to step it up. If he''s not, well then, you have your answer. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Obim
New Member
Member # 41671
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

This is my list of requests for him....
* I need you to have 0 contact with rhonda or other women not in our family. If she initiates contact I need you to tell me immediately and handle it appropriately. (he did not tell me when she confronted him at work until it was obvious I knew)
*I need you to show me you are committed to me and want me and our marriage. If you are not sure I need you to tell me now, don't prolong the inevitable. You can tell me your not sure what you want and still try to work on our marriage. (he told me yesterday he is back and forth)
*I need you to love me through this and be patient with me.
*I need you to be fully transparent. I want you to download mobile spy or some type of software on your phone that goes to a locked email so that I know you are being faithful to me at all times. Having a second phone or secret phone is a deal breaker. (he never did this, but I did and then told him after a week)
*I need you to help me build myself back up. Right now I feel unloved and unlovable. My esteem is damaged greatly. Although it is primarily my responsibility to love myself I need help with that right now. (he is trying)
*I need you to understand if I can not be quite or calm. If I become angry or hateful because I am so hurt. I will try to avoid this but IDK if I can at all times. If I have questions I need answered about your affair I need you to be truthful.(not truthful until I confront him with the truth from her)
*I need you to get your relationship with God right. To get us back in church and have nightly prayers with just you and I like we used to do.(1 Sunday out of 3)
*I need you to stop watching porn and turn to me for your needs and desires. To show me what you want and how to please you. To court me and desire me. (good on this one)
* I need you to be honest and real with our problems or things I do that hurts or bothers you, even when I do not take that criticism well. And please do not wait until you are about to explode to do it. (nope)
*I need the old you who loved me as much as you loved yourself. Who would go to the ends of the earth for me as I would for you.

He is trying to help a lot with house work and the kids. He is being pretty transparent and doesn't freak if I want to see his phone now. He seems to beat himself up a bit over this at times. That is about it. Not enough to me, and the preacher even told him he is not acting like a man who is desperate to save his marriage.


Me: BS-37
Him: WS-31
4 kids 17,16,9, & 7
Married 4 years
SA with a CO-W for 11 months, possible EA
DD-12/2/13

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Obim
New Member
Member # 41671
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Oh and he put in a few resumes, as they work in the same room.


Me: BS-37
Him: WS-31
4 kids 17,16,9, & 7
Married 4 years
SA with a CO-W for 11 months, possible EA
DD-12/2/13

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 6