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User Topic: Seriously screwed up. Help......
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

So

Here I was tonight going to update with how positive every thing has been over the last month.

Finally reached agreement on finances with XWW the day of our first court hearing 2 weeks ago.

Spent my first Christmas at home with my family having run away last 2 years. Been a massive influence with my nephew who has had behavioural issues since my sisters split with his father as he was hitting her infront of him.....

Anyway.

Tonight I have seriously fucked up and I mean seriously!

I kissed my parents next door neighbour, not just once but several times. We had been drinking all night with my mother, far too much especially as I've mostly given up drinking.
I'm by no means using that as an excuse!

She has always been a big support for me since my breakup as has her husband. I class him as a good friend.

I don't know what to do. Apparently he saw us kiss. Im laying here in bed hating myself.

After it happened I told her how this same situation almost killed me and that I thought her husband is great and that she has a really good thing.

I don't understand why I did it. I feel so bad and there is nothing I can do to reverse this but as much as I can't make it right I don't want to encourage making it any worse.

I can't believe I've gone from wanting to post such a positive update today dot it now being such a negative.

I have no idea what to do. I have been so stupid.

2


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

and that is what reflection and guilt is all about...keeping us honest and admitting our mistakes. So, make amends where you can, consider write an apology to her husband, stay clear of being alone her for a long time, most importantly behave differently in the future.

And, I don't know why you've "mostly given up" alcohol but I'd consider doing that completely for a while.

Individual Counseling might help you sort this out too...

Listen, we are all human. We all f*ck up sometimes. The best thing to do is to learn from it and not let it happen again.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3209 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

What would you have wanted your wife's AP to do?


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Oof.

Setting aside what you need to do for you (and I think this is self evident to us and to you), you need to apologize to the husband and his wife. Ideally in person, with both of them there at the same time. But if not, at least to the husband on the phone.

It be really easy to beat up on you right now, but unnecessary. You''re lonely. You liked the attention. You were drunk. You maybe were feeling a little cocky. A confluence of events that made you stop paying attention and make a really bad choice.

It''s a humbling lesson to learn. We all sit around and vilify our xWS (and boy do they deserve it!!!) but NB. Man. It can fuck you up. Seriously. Navigating the world can be tough. And boom. Crap decision made. You''ve seen my recent NB threads. Ahem. I made a doozy. And all I can do is learn from it. You can too.

(((foreverempty)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3124 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
sadcat
Member
Member # 8637
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, December 30th (Monday)

You say you kissed her several times? At that point I think we can assume she was not fighting you off and yelling "No".

Regardless of her culpability, you need to own your actions and the fallout. Apologize to the husband and the wife, in person or via telephone (one conversation with all on the line- no private communication between you and the wife).

Then leave them alone, don't see them, don't talk to them at all for a good while.

Figure out why you would do this. What made it ok to kiss another man's wife?


I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

If this isn't what I consider soulmate crap, I don't know what is.


Posts: 13259 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: GA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Oh, forever.

Yep - you screwed up. And you need to try to make it right, not only for your neighbor's sake (and your parents') but for yourself as well. Don't let this sit and fester. Screw up your courage, and talk to your neighbors TOGETHER. Apologize. Don't make excuses, but own the fact that you were drunk and made shit choices in the moment. And then stay clear and let them deal with her actions without you in the mix.

BTW - you also owe your parents an apology. This will affect their relationship with the neighbors. Sorry, but it will. And that sucks for them, too. Acknowledge it. Own it.

Put all that front and center, deal with it, take the consequences, whatever they might be. But do NOT allow yourself to slide back down into the pit. You fought long and hard to get back on solid ground. Don't let yourself torpedo all that progress.

Are you seeing a counselor? Doing healthy things for yourself? Ratchet up the self-care. Focus on the positives, and back off the drinking.

You can do this.
(ps - good to see your name on the boards. been wondering how things were going for you.)


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Hiya

I'm sat in work feeling physically sick about this.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. I want to answer a few of the questions asked.

Firstly nothing at all is making me feel it was ok to do what I did. At the time I said it was wrong and still now I don't know why I allowed it to happen. It will NEVER happen again.

I've known them for at least 10 years, they've been there for me, her especially, through two very difficult breakups. Nothing like this has ever happened between us before. They are my age and more my friends than parents neighbors. We've been away on holiday together, is baby sat and car minded for them and they for me and all my family.

She called me this morning when I was still sleeping. She seems to be as cut up about this as I am. She also says it will never happen again but did admit she had seen this potential situation build up for about 12 months, of which I had been pretty oblivious too. She had come on to me before when drunk months ago which I very clearly stopped in its tracks and put it down to a one time drunken mistake. She says she's never done anything like it before in the 19 years they have been together and that it has woken her up to her own issues she needs to deal with, that she is massively in love with her husband and her children and that she has cleared things up with him last night and this morning. I don't know what she has told or spoken with him about.

I will not allow myself to be in a one on one situation with her in the future. Clearly this has shown that there have been inappropriate feelings from both sides and as much as promises have been made I don't want to be in a situation again where the same could be accused of happening again.

She has asked me not to tell my parents or anyone else and can we put it down to two very drunk people who overstepped the boundaries of friendship and that we both have learned from it.

She has apologised profusely for coming on to me last night and keeping asking to repeat kiss despite me saying no several times but ultimately being weak and giving in. I have also apologised and owned entirely my part in this. She did not force me to do anything. It was my own bad judgments that played an equal part in creating the situation.

As far as giving up alcohol is concerned, I has been a deliberate move by me for several months now totally steering clear for weeks at a time as I'm trying to ficus on being a mentally happier me, it had been working up till last night, all of Christmas week I only drank 1 whisky and half a glass of red wine and been to friends houses for parties and not touched a drop despite being encouraged to sleep over. I was really proud of how I'd been managing it and have ultimately been working towards a plan to wean off my ADs as it's been 2 years now and I felt it was time to book the discussion at the doctors.

Quite honestly what I would have wanted for XWW and her AP to do was feel the guilt that I am now feeling and done the right thing and chalked it up to bad decisions. I know people make mistakes and those mistakes don't always need to be publicised. This will not progress any further. She has told me she has discussed what she needs to with her husband and has asked me not to bring it up with him. I'm a little uncomfortable with this as I don't know what she has said happened or if she has just brushed it aside. I don't feel it's my place to interfere in their relationship any more than I already have when I have been asked to stay away from it.

My parents don't know and I worry that telling them will hurt them greatly. They have been so proud of the fact I haven't run away this year and the support I've given them this Christmas with my niece and nephew while my sisters been working especially with their bad behavior. They said they couldn't have got through it without me, my dad really struggles with both my sister and her young children's behavior. I also know my mother and feel that she will ore likely resent her neighbor and pin the blame firmly on her no matter how hard I would try to convince her otherwise.

I am still in monthly IC although my counsellor is on holiday until mid February, I will however be bringing this up as soon as I see her.

I don't really know what else to say except thank you for listening to me and being there for support. It's strange as this is pretty much the first time I've not been able to talk to my mum about my problems, she has always been such a huge rock for me. All I've got is you guys and my IC to help me through this mess.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, December 30th (Monday)

I don't normally post in here, but I think you still need to talk with her husband and apologize to him. Her saying she smoothed things over with him wouldn't hold water with me because she's tried to come on to you before. I'd be worried she's minimizing or lying to him.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Forever - I'll tell you what concerns me. The neighbor is asking you to keep secrets. You are struggling with keeping it secret from your parents as well.

Secrets are toxic. Especially when you have struggled with depression. I'm honestly worried about you sitting with guilt and secrets and carrying that burden around with you.

I don't know what to tell you other than this - please think long and hard about this. You need to make choices that are healthy and have integrity. It's just too hard to live with the burden of doing otherwise.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Yeah, no matter what she asked you to do…you need to do what is RIGHT for YOU. Secrets eat at you. I'd guess she wants to keep it quiet because this isn't the first time…


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 30th (Monday)

The first thing we tell newbies is they must tell the BS. No?

Of course she wants you to keep this a secret-- especially if her claim of this being something that was building over the past year is true. Don't let her "friend" status fog your brain here.

She said she is massively in love with her BS? She has "cleared this all up" with him? That is pretty textbook wayward response man.

Look, I don't know her so maybe this is the first time she has cheated on her husband. Maybe not. But as a former BS, you say you would have wanted your xWW and her AP to do the right thing. What is the right thing- in your opinion?

Mine is exactly what anyone here would say... You need to tell the BS. But that's just what's right for me, may not be for you. I wish you clarity, and hope you can figure out what allowed you to become the AP in the first place. Peace.


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
soulsearcher4
Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 30th (Monday)

Forever, my small take.

It needs to be NC with this person. Any contact with her, phone calls, texts, etc. that does not include the husband is a budding EA.

All contact with this person is only done with the husband present.

DO NOT KEEP THIS A SECRET! Every time you see her, you'll each have a secret smile for each other. Maybe it'll be an uncomfortable frown and turn away, but you each have a something special that you each should not have with each other.

You have to talk to the husband at the very least, either one on one or with the wife present. It's up to you. Throw yourself at his mercy. Ask him what his preference of what you do is. He may not have an answer, and let him know that when he does you will follow it with NO EXCEPTIONS!

I think you should talk to your parents about this, too. The whole neighborhood doesn't need to know, but the husband and your parents should.

Good luck. Just remember that it's easier to walk through something as difficult as this with people around you that know and can support you through it.


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 30th (Monday)

She said she is massively in love with her BS? She has "cleared this all up" with him? That is pretty textbook wayward response man.

Indeed. That's exactly why I'm concerned. I think she's told him he saw us 'hugging' as it was from a reasonably long distance away. I can't see how he would truly buy that excuse though.

I wish you clarity, and hope you can figure out what allowed you to become the AP in the first place.

Me the AP. Wow. I suppose technically I am, that's a hard pill to swallow. I've always been so critical of people who get themselves caught up in this kind of drama and here I am.

I will indeed be looking further inside myself. I do know that right now I'm feeling very needy for affection and have been for a couple of months now. I deliberately avoid going out these days to places where I may meet a new potential partner as I'm so far away from healthy and ready but know that I'm currently in a place that if someone were to show me affection I will most likely latch on to it. That is exactly what happened I think last night.


It needs to be NC with this person. Any contact with her, phone calls, texts, etc. that does not include the husband is a budding EA.

All contact with this person is only done with the husband present.

Totally agree. There are feelings that have been put out there on the table and I am not in any way going to be promoting those feelings. She had her own reasons I'm sure but I do not want to allow myself in any way to be in a position where the same could either happen again or be deemed as possibly to have happened. All cards laid out clear on the table for all to see from this day forward.

I'm massively disappointed in myself. 2 years of hard work, self reflection, total NC with xWW which was so hard as as much as I hate her I still miss the love I felt for her, over a year of IC, turning my life around from brink of bankruptcy to new job, own business back on track, all debts paid off etc.....

Then I go and pull this stupid stunt and risk pushing me way back down again.

I'm supposed to be staying with my parents until after the new year, I've been there all over Christmas, our first family new year in ages, but I don't want to go back there tonight, I want to go back to my house. They have my puppy though and they won't understand it if I don't turn back up tonight when I finish at 10pm.

I need to think about what I say and do from here with everyone back home as I really don't want to cause any more damage at all.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Secrets are toxic
They cause a mental and emotional (and sometimes I wonder about physical) cancer that eats at us until they are finally brought to light. Which is why I also agree that you need to tell the husband and your parents. It's no one else's business, but they do need to know.

I've always been so critical of people who get themselves caught up in this kind of drama and here I am.
So, great lesson here for you. We all have weaknesses in us and at just the right time, when we are weak and vulnerable, if we let our guard down, we can make stupid mistakes. It is part of being human

I will indeed be looking further inside myself. I do know that right now I'm feeling very needy for affection and have been for a couple of months now. I deliberately avoid going out these days to places where I may meet a new potential partner as I'm so far away from healthy and ready but know that I'm currently in a place that if someone were to show me affection I will most likely latch on to it. That is exactly what happened I think last night.
That is very good insight and I think that is important for you to acknowledge. I know for me, after I break up with someone I had deep feelings for, I "coccoon" myself until I feel strong again. I KNOW I am weak and vulnerable after a break up, so I tend to become introverted (I'm an extreme extrovert by nature) and wear baggy clothes and don't make eye contact. I avoid people that could be potential partners and I only hang around with people I feel safe with. Because I know I am vulnerable and more prone to making a stupid mistake, so those are the precautions I take to keep from latching onto "just anybody."


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15291 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Please don't beat yourself up about this too much. What's done is done. What matters now are your actions going forward. Would you rather those actions be honest and respectful, or lies and rugsweeping?

If this event is going to affect your behavior around your family or your neighbors, you should be honest about it. That doesn’t mean you have to share all the details, but you shouldn’t have to lie, especially not if it is in the presumed best interest of others. Most people prefer to make those kinds of decisions for themselves.

Also, unfortunately, your friendship with this woman should not continue. Out of respect for their marriage, you should go NC with the wife.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Why were you hanging out alone drinking with a married woman in the first place?

And fwiw I'm going to go against the grain and say don't tell her husband.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 30th (Monday)

We invited them both over for drinks with my mum, dad and myself. He stayed back to look after the kids and cause he wasn't feeling too well.

Dad dropped off first, mum much later and we still had drinks to finish off and were just talking lots, totally innocent and happened the same way a hundred times before both at their house and my parents. Haven't seen them at all over Christmas despite being invited over for drinks just before Christmas but I didn't go, infact we havent had a night together for a good while now. They also come up to my house on occasions with other friends for dinner parties. Literally nothing like this has EVER happened with me towards her or any of my other mates partners before. It's not my thing. Hence being so cut up about it.

[This message edited by foreverempty at 1:39 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
absolut
Member
Member # 37933
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, December 30th (Monday)

We invited them both over for drinks with my mum, dad and myself. He stayed back to look after the kids and cause he wasn't feeling too well.

Then she should have stayed home with her husband, but her messed up marriage is not your problem.

Really I think after your parents went to sleep you should have too, I don't think there is anything "innocent" about a man and woman hanging out alone drinking together at night. Even if "nothing happens," as in no sex or no kissing, it is still a huge boundary being crossed. The whole "it's ok so long as nothing happens" is total wayward thinking. Do you really think her husband liked staying home with their children while she stayed out late drinking with a male friend, even if there hadn't been physical contact? Wouldn't it have been more appropriate for her to just stop by for a short visit with the whole family and go back home to her husband and children after 30 minutes or so? Do you think her actions, or inaction, telegraphed anything to you about the state of her marriage? And what about the fact that you were not made uncomfortable after both your parents left? What did that communicate to her about your boundaries or lack of boundaries?

Sorry I never buy the whole "can't believe it happened, can't believe it just happened." I know this comes off harsh. But I don't think you need to be worried about her or her husband just yourself. People who do not have good boundaries in place will always attract the wrong people.


Posts: 421 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, December 30th (Monday)

I think she's told him he saw us 'hugging' as it was from a reasonably long distance away. I can't see how he would truly buy that excuse though.
Not coming in to pile on but just to say she just gaslit her BS. As a BS you remember what being gaslit felt like right. Knowing you just saw something or knew something and then being told you didn't see it. The self doubt and eventually you believe that you didn't see what you actually saw. It's not so much about him buying the excuse. He wanted to believe he didn't see what he just saw and the response she gave helped him believe what she wanted him to believe which was nothing inappropriate happened.

You know what really happened so let the BH know and he can decide how to move on with his life.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, December 30th (Monday)

She called me this morning when I was still sleeping. She seems to be as cut up about this as I am. She also says it will never happen again but did admit she had seen this potential situation build up for about 12 months, of which I had been pretty oblivious too. She had come on to me before when drunk months ago which I very clearly stopped in its tracks and put it down to a one time drunken mistake. She says she's never done anything like it before in the 19 years they have been together and that it has woken her up to her own issues she needs to deal with, that she is massively in love with her husband and her children and that she has cleared things up with him last night and this morning. I don't know what she has told or spoken with him about.

I don't know much - but I do know that after the kiss, this phone call conversation should never have happened. NC - now.

JMHO


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Not coming in to pile on but just to say she just gaslit her BS. As a BS you remember what being gaslit felt like right.

Yup. Totally agree.

I have fucked up big time. I know it. It will not happen again. I am in control of that. I will not put myself in a position where it can ever happen again. I have seriously damaged a very good friendship and I will regret that for a very long time.

I have no problem with people being harsh on here. I deserve it. With friends like me who needs enemies.

I said last night that this is the kind of thing that almost killed me but I still allowed it to happen again? I really don't understand that part, it's just not like me at all.

I've personally always had mixed sex friends, when the girls have found partners there are still occasions where we will socialise in or out without their spouses. It's never ever caused an issue.

I will be revisiting that position now though but I have no one to blame but myself. A very hard personal lesson learnt. I most certainly won't be popping across the drive for a natter like I always have done.

I am reading and digesting every single word everyone here has written.

[This message edited by foreverempty at 3:06 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 30th (Monday)

foreverempty,
She also says it will never happen again but did admit she had seen this potential situation build up for about 12 months, of which I had been pretty oblivious too. She had come on to me before when drunk months ago which I very clearly stopped in its tracks and put it down to a one time drunken mistake.
Dude...she''s totally trying to set up an A with you. She''s come onto you before. This time you responded.
She says she''s never done anything like it before in the 19 years they have been together and that it has woken her up to her own issues she needs to deal with, that she is massively in love with her husband and her children and that she has cleared things up with him last night and this morning.
Yeah, I''m going to call bullsh*t on that one. Never done this before? Uh-uh. "Massively in love with her husband"??? Translation - "I don''t want to get caught or get slapped with D"

That one is bad news.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Brandon I can't disagree with anything you just pointed out. It certainly does read that way.

I struggle to believe she is like that as she has always been so supportive but maybe I have just been too naive in my reading of the situation.

She won't have an affair with me as I WILL NOT let it happen. If that is what she is looking for that is very sad. She has a wonderful family and I sincerely hope she works through her own issues. She did have quite bad Postnatal depression which she has been medicated and visited counseling for but that has been and gone as far as I'm aware.

I hope this was a one time fuck up for her too and from here on in doesn't let it happen again.

I am sorry I have let so many people down.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 30th (Monday)

I struggle to believe she is like that as she has always been so supportive but maybe I have just been too naive in my reading of the situation.

Obviously, it is time to start believing.
That being said, you will never know as you will never talk to her again - correct?


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 3:37 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 30th (Monday)

T2G I'm in an unfortunate position where I can not never see her again. They share a driveway with my parents. The houses look directly into eachother.

They come to every family get together, their children are in the same class as each other in school and they do the same out of school activities which I sometimes have to take my nephew to.

What I can do and what I am in control of is that I won't allow a one on one situation to ever happen again.

Short of them moving home out of the area we will have forced contact for the foreseeable future.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, December 30th (Monday)

It goes without saying text, phone, Facebook etc NC


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, December 30th (Monday)

I have seriously damaged a very good friendship and I will regret that for a very long time.

Not that what you did was right, but the friendship was over regardless of your actions. You can't be "just friends" with someone who has expressed romantic interest. She came onto you months ago. Boundary crossed, friendship aborted. It's unfortunate that it took you so long to see this, but continuing any relationship at that point is inappropriate.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 30th (Monday)

My concern is that if you keep this quiet but avoid being around her it may get noticed. Clearly she is in self-protection mode so there''s no telling what kind of story her BH (or everyone else for that matter) may hear. In other words I''d advise you to get on the record with the truth with the BH and your parents so she doesn''t claim she rejected you and that you tried to be inappropriate (or worse) with her. Since you are the one coming off of a breakup I could easily see her painting you as the aggressor "Oh, I was just being nice. You know how foreverempty has been hurting and he just forgot himself. He was drinking. Blah-blah-blah."

Brother, I''m not even kidding. Be careful.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Crescita you are very right.

The 'coming on' to me situation months ago was done via text after we had all been drinking over their house. She again told her husband about it apparently which I believed. She also told my sister, so she was very open about it being a mistake and didn't try to hide it.

I had pretty much forgotten about it and laughed it off at the time.

What a bloody clown!


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Brandon that's a pretty scary but ultimately very possible predicament you have just pointed out.

Bizzarly I had already thought about taking the blame full frontal just to try and minimize the damage to their relationship, after all I don't have a great deal to loose by being the bad guy who 'forced the situation'. That's quite sad when I think about it.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 30th (Monday)

In all the time I was with xWW I never once came on to, kissed or made inappropriate advances to anyone despite the long term mental abuse and deliberate physical neglect I went through with her.

Why now do I let myself and everyone else down so badly?


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Oh, wow! This is a really bad situation! I know you aren't going to want to hear a lot of this, but hang in there with me because there are really good reasons for the advice I'm going to dispense.

You HAVE to tell your parents. If you don't, then you're keeping secrets with and for your neighbor's wife. Don't kid yourself because THAT is EXACTLY how As start. One "little" lie, boundaries blurred... the next thing you know, your whole life has imploded. Don't do it! Tell your parents, so they'll understand why you're coming around less often and why you may seem awkward when you do. You don't want them to wonder if it's because of something they did.

You also need to talk to her H. You need to tell him about her expressing her feelings for you in the past, tell him about the kisses, and tell him you're truly sorry for any pain you might have caused him. Then, tell him you'll stay out of his life from now on- and DO it!

I don't believe for a minute that she's never done anything like this before. She did SOMETHING like this when she expressed feelings for you in the past, No? So, we know she's done something like this at least once before. Now, it's twice, that we know of.

The OW in our situation did a LOT of the same stuff. (I'm not discounting my H's role in that, just talking about how the female operated in that relationship) She started by expressing her feelings, trying to get time alone with him, they were "just friends" for a while, she kissed him, told him she'd had her eye on him for a long time, swore she'd NEVER have an A, and here we are, 6 1/2 years post d-day. Let me tell you something about this woman: She's setting you up for an A. (Hell, you ALREADY kissed her- MORE THAN ONCE. That's a PA, you know?) She clearly has no respect for you or herself. If she DID, none of this would have ever happened. After d-day, I told my H that anyone who would ask him to compromise his integrity was clearly NOT his friend. It's the truth, even though you probably don't want to believe that. This woman has spent AT LEAST a year trying to set this whole thing up. With friends like that, who needs enemies, right?

I've had male friends for over 33 years and have NEVER kissed ANY of them, even when we were stupid teenagers. They are like my brothers from other mothers and I would probably barf if one of them even suggested it. But they never have. If they had, they'd be out of my life like last week's trash. I confided to my best friend, also a male, about all of the A stuff, but he was all the way across the country from me and nothing inappropriate was ever said. He was actually very supportive of my trying to reconcile my M. Now, he was TICKED at my H because he also considered him his best friend and he felt that my H had let all of his friends down because they had always looked up to him for his integrity. One of my other friends, in a discussion about his career, said, "At the end of the day, if I don't have my integrity, then I have nothing."- and THAT'S the truth.

From here on, all you can do is tell your parents and her H, stay away from them, move on, and learn from this. The NEXT time a committed female expresses feelings for you, you need to let THAT be the end of your relationship with her- and not let things get so far off track.


Posts: 11754 | Registered: Mar 2008
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, December 30th (Monday)

That all makes a lot of sense.

I'm in bed now, need to try and get some sleep but I'm massively anxiety flapping so that may not happen.

Anyway, thanks for listening everyone and thanks for all the words of wisdom.

I really wish my IC wasn't away, I really feel like I need to sit down with her and talk about this. She too is going to be really disappointed in me but I need to be open with her. Just checked my diary. 20th February is my next appointment.....!

Night everyone


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Read not just friends by Shirley glass.



BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Read not just friends by Shirley glass.



BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Read not just friends by Shirley glass.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 315 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Thanks for the reminder. I'd forgotten about that book. It was on my reading list long ago now but didn't get around to this. I'll try and get a copy ASAP.

Really conflicted again today. The reality is sinking in even further as to what I've done.

Tonight's possible encounter with them both I think is now averted as I am planning on spending new year night on my own with my dog and a curry and a bit of personal reflection. My parents had invited them over for the evening with the children. Don't know if its even happening but midnight meet ups outside the house would be inevitable and I'd rather avoid the situation. Mum and dad will be fine with it as I'm spending all afternoon with them tomorrow for a meal over the pub by their house.

Can't believe I've let everyone down both friends and family and you guys in here who have supported me for the past 2 years.

What a mess to be starting 2014 in.

Hope you all have a great night though and thanks again.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Rella
Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

(((foreverempty))),

Let it go... many of us have had to let things like this go. Alcohol is not a good choice (self-medication), and can lead to things that mess us up. You aren't alone, but I am here to tell you that Life Does Go On!

I would seriously consider (in fact, I did) talking to your PCP about antidepressant use along with serious IC- BOTH componenets. And give these time- it isn't a quick fix, but then again there is NO quick fix. The toughest thing is admitting you need help and having the energy to follow through.

(((Hugs)))


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

It's now on kindle so I've just downloaded it. Will make a start on reading it tonight.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Thanks Rella.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

forever -

You can choose to make the new year start with a new awareness and determination to set and guard your boundaries. Choose to start from a place of strength and positivity, understand? You're doing it already by staying clear of the "party" at your folks tonight.

Good on you. Happy New Year.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

((forever))

I identify as a BS.
I have never addressed this on SI before.

Imagine my surprise to discover in MC that I participated in a EA while in college with a 'friend'. It is/has been difficult to face and relate to that behavior.

I spent years in the military maintaining my boundaries and priding myself on being able to maintain proper relationships. Post dday I used to spout that I had boundaries before I knew what they were.

Except in learning to be honest about the development of my relationship with my husband, we took a look at my EA. My H and I were dating on and off, breaking up and getting back together for about a year. This 'friend' was there through out that process. I have had to be see myself and my behavior for what it was, not for what I wanted to dismiss it as. Honest enough to face the shame I feel now for encouraging and enjoying the attention and validation from this 'friend'. I was 19 years old, and I knew better. Enough to hide how 'close' we were and how much I believed my friend liked me.

I was a faithful, loving wife. I kept my vows. It was devastating to discover my H's affair. It still hurts. It still lingers, even as we rebuild.

I had no idea how invested I was in being a BS, until I discovered that I am also a WS. To say it was a shock to the system to face up to the fact that I cheated, is an understatement. I cheated first. I cheated before we really even got going. It sucks seeing that, knowing it and acknowledging it to my H, to myself and now here.

It took me time to accept myself in this new light, especially since I put myself on the fidelity pedestal... for years.

As for your situation....

Boundaries were breached with the texting. I do wonder if some part of you understood the danger and enjoyed the attention. If I am projecting I apologize, that is certainly possible. But I still question how you allowed yourself to drink and be in a position to have that moment. Alcohol is certainly a factor, so is her manipulation. But weakness alone does not explain how you got in a position to do what you did. You made choices too.

You need to look at that. At your participation in opening that 'door' for the drunken moment.

It is so difficult to identify as a WS. Even a madhatter. I know I am, but I want to qualify and rationalize it. Even today in this moment. That is why I put my age in there....

Facing it is hard and I admire your strength and efforts to do so. Here you are.... facing it. Looking at it and trying to learn from it.

It will be hard to tell your parents and the BS. I encourage you to do that. You don't have to be ashamed of being authentic and establishing firm boundaries.

You don't owe it to this women's family or even your parents to make things 'nice' or 'easy' or 'comfortable'. It's a mess. Letting it be that and finding a workable way to visit your parents and maintain seeing these neighbors in whatever limited way is possible. You can figure it out. The new normal may take time, but you need to ask yourself if you want to share the room with the elephant for how ever long your parents live in that house. You can take a big chunk out that sucker with the truth. The rest will take time, but you can do it.

I wish you well.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, January 4th (Saturday)

Redrock, thanks for your insight, I still haven't told my parents but I'm seriously considering it now. I think if they ever find out in the future they will be even more upset that I have hidden it from them.

NIK, I'm trying...!

Several changes need to happen. I'm part way through 'not just friends' and am finding it very interesting. I should definitely have read it when I first planned last year!

I think the book needs to be read by someone who's willing to accept the truth as I can see it as being easily disregarded by someone who has their head firmly up their own ass.

Anyway, onwards an upwards.

On a side note. Next doors husband has gone to America for 2 weeks on business. I can honestly relate to how he's quite possibly feeling leaving this unknown situation behind. That really cuts me up. I am steering well clear and so far she has made no attempt to contact me. Hope it continues. I do hope they are doing ok, they have been such a huge part of my life for such a long time.... I'm gutted I've lost two of my closest friends through my own behaviour.

I'm also concerned that the mix of ADs and sporadic binge drinking is what is making my judgement so impaired although maybe that's just me trying to find an excuse for my behaviour?


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

As part of my 12 month detox plan, tonight I am deactivating my Facebook account. When I did I noticed that both her and him have unfriended me.

I guess her "don't worry everything is fine, husband is cool, we can still be friends please?" Statement has not quite stayed that way.

Still can't believe what I've done and I didn't expect any different from what's happened above but I am totally gutted to have lost 2 friends who have been such a big part of my life for so long and always been there for me.....

I wish I could put it right, I wish I could take away the pain I have caused him.

Yes it's done. Yes I need to move on. Yes it wasn't all my fault. Yes it seems I have been pursued for some time. But damn......!!!!!


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
thyme2go
Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Correct - nothing you do will fix this situation now. You know what you should have done.

I strongly suggest dropping/drastically reducing the consumption of alcohol. Facebook never has been and never will be the problem. Simply boundaries work quite well. Just keep yourself out of situations like you were in with her and you will be just fine.

-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9188 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

T2G see my thread a couple down from this one. I'm on a bit of a mammoth personal challenge effective immediately....


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Is it ok to send a text to my old friend just saying "I'm really very very sorry" because I truly am.

He's away with work another week in America. He clearly knows what he saw despite his wife gas lighting him and saying everything's ok.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 6th (Monday)

I never appreciated when the OW reached out to me.

Give him his space. He knows how to contact you if he is so inclined.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Here's a little note I've been working on today.

Dear ******

Don't really know where to start with this.

I just want to say that I'm really really sorry. I only have vague memory of the night. So much was drunk, that and the tablets I'm still on seems to result in me blanking out memories on nights when I binge drink.

It's no excuse and I'm not trying to use it as one. I have given up drinking now for at least the next 12 months while I try and sort myself out.

You've always been such a good friend and I'm very disappointed in myself about how I've behaved. I've no idea how or why it happened but I've let not only you but all my family down.

I hope one day we can make amends but in the mean time I will leave you all well alone as I do not wish to make things any worse than they already are. If you feel the need to talk about this then do get in touch and I will answer any questions you may have.

It was a massive mistake and I'm very very sorry I let you down and betrayed your trust.

FE

[This message edited by foreverempty at 11:11 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Hi Crescita

I posted the above before seeing your reply.

As we have no option but to share at least some ongoing interaction I just felt like I should try and apologise as much as I could.

I don't love his wife or harbour any secret desire to steal her from him. From my side it really was just a massive mistake. I have been reading 'not just friends' this past week and I'm learning lots but one thing that does strike me is that having completed the questionnaire she has dotted about, that I haven't been particularly emotionally involved with her and didn't ever take on talking about her relationship or the problems they may have within. It really was from my side strictly friends. I can't answer for her and from her bahaviour it seems the same can not be said. The one questionnaire early on in the book marked me as not being in an EA with her with totally honest answers from myself.

Yes I can see where I will change my approach in future and won't ever put myself in a position like I did as far as is practicable. I have good morals and normally exercise good boundaries. But I am human and do sometimes f@@k up like in this case, but not in this way before.

I don't want to do any more damage but I don't want to hide from this either. Sooner or later we will be stood on the drive together or at a party we've all been invited too, or bump into eachother in the pub across the road.

I'm very confused.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Maybe you can post the note you want to send in general to see how current BS would receive it. There are a lot of "I"s in there, and if you don't mean to excuse or justify the behavior, it might be best to leave the explanation out entirely.

I'm sure your intentions are good, but it comes across a bit too much about you and what you need to move past this.

[This message edited by Crescita at 11:44 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3459 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 6th (Monday)

A letter like that from the OW would've upset me. I know you mean well but a lot of I's in there. I'm also sensing and reading a lot of blame-shifting and minimizing in your posts. This was you. The WW too but you as well. No amount of alcohol or meds or personal painful history excuse it. Many people manage not to kiss married people even though they're drunk/hurt. You know it's not an excuse. Also whether there was an EA too is irrelevant. The kissing was already a PA and crossed the boundaries. A huge betrayal. It's an even bigger betrayal to the BH because you were a friend. An extra stab in his heart.

I think before you try and contact him you need to work yourself out first. You also need to let go of the notion that there will be any friendship in the future. You're now an enemy to their marriage. You can never be friends again.

Sorry for the harsh words but I think you need it to realize the severity. I'm sure you are tormented by this but you cannot fix it. You can only fix yourself.

If you decide to send a letter I will not add the drinking excuse. Say sorry and say you can be contacted if there are questions and you'll respect their marriage and stay away.

If you're invited to the same party, don't go. If you walk into them at the pub, leave. The wife has a part in this but you can't control her actions now but you can yours and you need to respect their marriage now and stay away.

I'm sorry you're hurting. Sorry for the 2 x 4's. Good luck!

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 12:10 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Thanks for the feedback. I do realise this may not be the correct forum to continue this in, but man what douchbag!

Your both right I guess abou the amount of 'I' Above. It's just I've no idea what to say. And putting in there about drink and meds wasn't trying to excuse it but maybe I'm just grasping at straws to let him know this wasn't in any way planned or manipulated but that I just f@@ked up which I'm holding my hands up and shouting out loud about.

I'm also sensing and reading a lot of blame-shifting and minimizing in your posts. This was you. The WW too but you as well. No amount of alcohol or meds or personal painful history excuse it.

I appreciate that completely and fully accept the 2x4s. I am making big steps to work me out and realise why I let this happen, by that I mean allow myself to make the choice I did. Yes she pursued me but no one made me do what I did.

I'm desperate to talk to my IC about this but I'm still over a month away from my next session with her. I am steering well clear of her whenever I visit my parents. I keep the curtains closed in my room which overlooks their house and she seems to thankfully be doing the same.

This is completely surreal. Still can't believe this is even happening!


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Sounds like you are really trying to do all you can and to think this through. That's good. It's unfortunately going to take time. It sucks. It really does and I also wish you could see your IC sooner. Until then try and take care of yourself. I understand the overwhelming feeling of wanting to make this better for the BH but the reality is currently you can't change it however much you want. The good thing is you're clearly remourseful. Keep working on yourself, keep digging, keep reading and putting one foot in front of the other. You'll get through this too.

Do ask in general what you can write in regards to an apology letter if you really want to do it. There are some wise SI'ers on here. Much wiser than me. I don't think it's an awful idea to apologize, I just don't think mentioning the drinking is a good idea. A short but sincere apology and promise to leave them alone and to offer any detail if he may seek it may be appropriate.

Hang in there.

[This message edited by BrokenDaisy at 1:47 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, January 6th (Monday)

I am going against the grain here but I do believe that alcohol can be the biggest contributing factor in situations like this. I know from my own experiences in life with alcohol and also having worked around intoxicated people for many years. People indeed do things when they are impaired that they would never do while sober. I don't buy into the belief that alcohol just brings out a person's true intent at all.

The same is to be said about her behavior in my opinion. She has never tried to contact you while sober for anything other than as a friend, correct? The two times something inappropriate happened she was drunk, right? Sure, there may be things going on in her marriage that makes her act this way when drunk but I doubt it has all that much to do with you, you just happen to be the one there. That's something she needs to figure out.

You were drunk. She was drunk. This never would have happened without the alcohol, so how can we say that alcohol was NOT the reason? I'm sure a large percentage of people on this thread alone have stories of stunts they have pulled while drunk that went totally against who they really are.

The bottom line is, if you have certain behaviors while drinking that are not really who you are and go against your beliefs, you do not drink. Period.

I would talk to the spouse, too, as you feel you need to. The circumstances really demand it, I think, what with their friendship with your parents and the close proximity of their homes.

People do really stupid things when drunk. That's my thought on this whole thing. Cut yourself some slack and then make this right, somehow, someway.

[This message edited by cissi at 3:06 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 1431 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
foreverempty
Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Cissi

Can't find fault in anything you've said there.

Never ever have either of us inappropriately acted in any way at all whilst sober ever. It just wouldn't happen from my side for sure and she has never expressed anything but support for what I've been through these last 2 years. That's why the first incident I just laughed off as a drunken mistake on her part and never thought about it again. Hell that night we were drinking with her husband and he left us to it and went to bed and that shows how comfortable he was with our friendship only relationship. We've never touched, flirted, secretly held hands or lingering looked at each other before even when drinking. Both nights in question were extreme drinking and by that I mean a good half a liter or more of neat spirits each plus wine and beer. Nights like that rarely happen.

I've given up totally for now. I've never craved drink, I can go for weeks without it no problem at all and can also just have 1 pint and enjoy it like when I take my dog out for a walk with my little nephew.

The rare binge drinking is the only thing I really need to stop but for now I'm committing to a full 12 month dry. I'll spend the saved money on doing up my home.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 628 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 6th (Monday)

I'm going to disagree with the "alcohol is at fault" theory.

Yes, I believe alcohol lowers inhibitions, but it doesn't manufacture attraction/lust. There had to have been "something" there (on either of your parts) in order for this to have occurred. You said yourself that she came onto you before, so it wasn't an isolated incident.

As a BS, had I received the letter you wrote, the letter would have been trashed. First, I agree with the previous posters that it was full of "poor me" and seemed to blameshift.
Second, if OW would have come to me face to face and owned up, I may have received that apology a little better. Texting or emailing seems very cowardly to me in light of the fact that he was a friend and the damage done. I do think that you should contact the BH in person. If he slams the door in your face, so be it- but at least you tried.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:01 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Sooner or later we will be stood on the drive together or at a party we've all been invited too, or bump into each other in the pub across the road.

I think that you need to do everything in your power to make sure that doesn't happen -- and that includes not going to your parents' house, as even if he doesn't see you, he may see your car. Staying away from places you know he frequents, and discreetly leaving were he to show up. Declining party invitations from mutual friends. But not being dramatic about it so everyone knows what happens (except your parents.)

Remember how terrible those first few weeks/months were when you JFO? Give him space -- lots of it. He knows how to get in touch with you if he wants to. Had the OW sent me a letter, it would have just made me hurt even more. I needed to cocoon and work through things. There is nothing she could have said that would have made me feel even the slightest bit better.

It will mean a disruption in your lifestyle, but given your actions, I think those are the consequences. As we always say here, it's actions, not words, that we need to watch -- what actions will you demonstrate? You have played a large role in destroying his life as he knew it, and right now, you need to consider what will help him -- not you. That apology letter seemed to be about making yourself feel better.

Can you get in to see your IC earlier if you call with an emergency? I know when I was going, if I couldn't get with mine, I could have at least called and spoken to someone. Perhaps that could help tide you over a bit? Please be very careful and don't do anything rash that makes things worse and that you'll regret later.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3409 | Registered: Dec 2011
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Yes, I believe alcohol lowers inhibitions, but it doesn't manufacture attraction/lust. There had to have been "something" there (on either of your parts) in order for this to have occurred. You said yourself that she came onto you before, so it wasn't an isolated incident

Gaby, I disagree with this for all the reasons I have stated above. I'm not saying everyone reacts the same way to alcohol, but in my younger days my friends and I were pretty heavy partiers. There were times when one of us would end up with some guy and were completely humiliated the next day - like, how could I?? Same for guys. You've surely heard how people have gone home together drunk and were horrified in the morning once they got a good look at each other?

I will say the biggest problem with this sort of thing happening is the person's state of mind before they even begin drinking. I used to tell my girlfriends not to go out drinking if they were upset about something (especially a boyfriend), if they were PMS'ing, or it was a full moon - and God help them if all three were going on - lol. That is the thing that gets a person into trouble. I would venture to say that foreverempty's friends are having some sort of problem within their own marriage. The drink brought out the neediness of the wife, for whatever reason she may have had, and that is when the inhibitions were knocked down. Then there is what foreverempty has gone through for the past two years and bingo - very bad combination of emotions to add alcohol to the mix.

These sorts of things don't happen to people who are not having some sort of problem or ache in their heart before they even take the first drink. The person they are with is completely irrelevant - it could be anyone they are trying to fill a void with.

I hope I am making sense as I'm in a huge hurry and don't have time to try to get my thoughts across very well.


Posts: 1431 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Topic Posts: 59