SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: 5 Months after dray & new dday
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Well I guess I'm back to square one! Awesome!

Almost 5 months from Dday 1, what I though would be the only dday. The only affair, the only ONS. Oh, how wrong I was! I read the thread about ONS with prostitutes & it said something to the effect of "if your WS says they saw 3 prostitutes, just multiply it by 10 and you might have the truth. I guess there's a good chance that's where I'm at.
I had a gut feeling about another 'trip' he took. He went out of town and I met him a day later. Things just didn't feel right, and they weren't. Although he hasn't outright admitted it, he didn't need to. All the Lying signs were there. He didn't deny it, then it was followed by silence, etc. After 12 years of marriage you can tell an outright lie pretty quickly.
Today he's not 'denying' it, but he's not admitting it either. He keeps telling me to send him the proof. Like he doesn't want to admit to anything I don't have solid proof for.
I don't feel like these 2 incidents are the only ones I'm afraid there are several more!

He's got some work issues going on, so I told him I would consider asking him to move out until the work issues were worked out so it didn't add to the issues. Although at this point I'm not sure why I care!!! He clearly doesn't care.

I told him at Dday 1, 5 months ago, that if there were any other skeletons in the closet, now was the time to drag them out! If they came out months later, it would be an entirely different story. He assured me he made 1 mistake and that was it!! I've given him that option several times over the last 5 months and he's given me the same story over and over! Lies on top of lies!

I said he could stay in the house but I would not sleep with a liar. He was not welcome in our bed.

Then tonight, shit hit the fan. I kinda lost it. Begged him for the truth. Asked him if I was worth the truth, clearly I'm not. (I have FOO issues) He still refuses, his attitude is shitty. Entitled, cocky, pissed off, depressed. Said it doesn't matter now, it's over. He's fucked it up, so it doesn't matter what he says, I won't believe him, marriage is ruined, he's lost my trust (no shit), no point...... blah blah blah. He's been stonewalling all day. Rugsweeping for 5 months.

I'm so frustrated, confused, heartbroken...........
Trying to figure out how to get the truth out of him
I though for awhile we were in R! Until I started investigating and realized that there was more.....

This is more of a rant than anything else... if you have wisdom, I'm open. Thanks for listening!!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, December 30th (Monday)

(((FoggedIn))) My H pulled the same "show me the proof" crap on me. He even accused me of making up stuff so I could "frame" him! WTF???!!! Blameshifting, stonewalling, lying, denying, and then the pity party meant to throw you on the defensive "it doesn't matter what I say, you won't believe me and you don't trust me".... Heard it all too! I'm sorry I don't have any answers, but I've been in your shoes. Hugs...


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9816 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
timeforchange
Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, December 30th (Monday)

I understand your need to know although you have (it seems) decided to end your marriage.

I knew I wanted evidence as I knew ex would gaslight to the end of his days.

I put both a VAR in his car and a GPS tracker.

48 hours was enough to have the hard evidence of him picking up ow at work driving to her apartment and spending the whole night there.

I also got hold of old mobile phone records which showed hundreds of texts.

If you do obtain proof I would not give him a copy and not tell him your sources. My ex is still convinced that I had him followed "by secret agents who are in high places"!!!!!!!

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

Quite where he thought I would have found such contacts is beyond me!!!!!

Just goes to show the level of their fog.

Good luck and I understand the need to know and in a way "shame" them and give others the truth and not their version of events.

[This message edited by timeforchange at 1:04 AM, December 30th (Monday)]


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, December 30th (Monday)

What's hard about locating proof at this point is I'm fairly sure it's not currently happening. His ONS were with prostitutes out of town & I've refused to allow him to leave town without me since DDay. He knows I have the password to his yahoo account, so if he's using CL again, he's clearly created another email account (he actually had 2, deleted the other, I made him reactivate do I could see the contents..... It was empty, surprise surprise!). He's not doing anything inappropriate on his laptop, I have spyware installed. I can't monitor his iPhone, it's his work phone :(. And previously he was also doing some of this activity on his work computer, which I don't have access to either. :(.
If I could get full access to his work computer & jail break his iPhone, I'm afraid I'd probably find more than I wanted to!!
More email addresses, CL stalking, proof of other ONS. But that's not an option.
He's refused a poly & on full shut down.
Honestly if he was a broken man right now I might feel differently about the possibility of our M. But he's not broken at all. He arrogant and pissed.


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, December 30th (Monday)

(((Fogged)))

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It hurts so incredibly bad. But now you know. You know he isn't remorseful, he isn't willing to open up and do the hard work of R. He is only putting his needs as desires first.

So now it's time for you to protect and care for yourself. You can do this, and you need to do this. It's time to make you a priority. It's time to protect yourself. Without him having some severe consequences for his actions your hope of getting any truth from him is slim to none. His arrogant, non remorseful self tells you he doesn't get it. Even if he did come to you today and he bared his soul would you then believe you have it all? Would you see it as truth? I am betting not. The one thing you know for sure is that he is a liar that lies.

See a lawyer, get STD tested (again if you already did), and 180 hard.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, December 30th (Monday)

fogged, I'm so sorry. I'm walking in those shoes 10 months out and I don't really have advice but, I'm going to tell you what I wish I had done when I found out about my husband's use of prostitutes.

My H left his email open on a computer I rarely use. That's when I found the correspondence with all the skanky hookers from CL & Backpage where he was arranging his "appointments". He only admitted to exactly what I had evidence of. Not.one.thing.more. Initially he said that he had only been with one of them...twice. After days of questioning and pleading for the truth, he went on to say that he felt like he was somehow disappointing me by not having any more to tell. Oh, there was more but, it took almost 4 months before he finally admitted to having paid sex going back some 15 years.

During those four months, I died a little each day. I kept thinking that if I showed him compassion and understanding that he would break down and tell me everything. Wrong again. To this day I only have an approxiate body count.

From what I have read about men who use prostitutes is that there is a common thread among them. They tend to be very self centered, entitled, expert liars and master manipulators.

I wish I had gone NC with him and had him served and waited until he decided to give up the answers to everything I wanted to know but, I was so scared of losing every thing in one fail swoop. I tried to be kind and "nice" him back to sanity. The vets on here say that this tactic doesn't work and I now know that to be true.

Our R has been very rocky and because of the deceit and lies I have slowly begun to detach and my committment to R is ebbing. Every day that goes by I can't help but wonder what more is out there that I should know but, at this rate, never will.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 775 | Registered: Apr 2013
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 30th (Monday)

outtanowhere

How did you get him to admit to more than sex twice with the same hooker?

I feel like I missed his 'window of honesty' in the initial days after discovery 5 months ago. He had a brief moment where I felt like he was very honest about his 'ONS' with the hooker. Gave me gross details I asked for, answered questions, etc. But it only lasted a day or two. Of course now I'm aware some of that honesty was not honesty at all. When he said he felt sick after she left and actually threw up. Well that was all BS, he was very familiar with how it felt when a hooker left his hotel & I'm certain he didn't feel sick at all!

But at the time, I believed him. Although I did ask if there were any others. He swore there weren't and I didn't dig any further. Although my gut said otherwise, I wanted to believe him. I had these intense hysterical love feelings that I couldn't silence at the time.

He quickly slammed the honesty door, moved from the "how can I help you heal" to "I'm doing everything right, why are you still broken" phase. I kept digging, put together a timeline for every time he left town in the last year, then dug through emails, text messages, my own memory for every detail I could find for trips. That's when it all started to unravel. Hookers on top of hookers!

But I desperately need him to come clean about it! He cannot continue to ride this story about 1 hooker. He wouldn't even admit to that one even while I stood staring at make up smeared all over the sheets that were stained with cum! It took me finding the emails in his sent box to her that he forgot to delete.

And you are right about.

They tend to be very self centered, entitled, expert liars and master manipulators.

I'm so glad you replied to my post!!! Thank you for commenting, I'm grateful! Not grateful someone is/has gone through what I am, but grateful for your wisdom!
XO


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 30th (Monday)

fogged, I appreciate your comments however, I'm a real novice at this. My heros are over on the I Can Relate forum on the Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts thread. They are the ones who have helped me retain what little sanity I have left.

I don't know what prompted the semi confession. We were in counseling within days of the discovery and the C was really good. She nailed him as SA on the second visit and he started weekly SA meetings shortly after that.

I believe that I got that much because he was really afraid that I was going to kick his ass to the curb, which as I said, I wish I had. He told me that he always thought he would have me regardless. He doesn't think that anymore.

Only you know what you need to do. I'm sitting here reading your posts and reflecting back on how differently I would have done things had I known then what I know now.

I was so incredibly duped for so long. I never doubted anything he said even when it didn't add up. Now, I find it hard to believe a word he says. It's so frustrating because, now he is putting forth a genuine effort. Crazy making shit.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 775 | Registered: Apr 2013
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, December 30th (Monday)

We've been in MC, that's part of the problem. The MC handles us with kid gloves! And WH is an entirely different person in MC than he is at home. So good at communication and presents himself so "put together". Of course he's cancelled the last 3 appointments we had. We were supposed to go this week, I told him not to cancel, we'll see what happens. If we do go, it will be a different scene than usual. The gloves are coming off!!

He also went to one IC session, which he said he really enjoyed, then decided he was tired of people getting inside his head and that he wasn't going back. But he also told me he wasn't straight with the counselor, he didn't tell her that his A was with a hooker! That's kinda important info. An A with someone you pick up at a bar, and an A with someone you trolled and arranged for 2 days on CL and paid for…… 2 different things entirely!

WH is also comfortable in the fact that no matter what he does or what we go through, I'm always here. When I told him yesterday that I would allow him to stay a couple of weeks until his work situation was taken care of, but he was not sleeping in our bed, that's when his whole demeanor changed. Not at all what he expected.

I don't know about SA, I guess I need to read about it. Good chance he is. :( Not that he would ever admit to it, or see a C for it.

I might PM you if that's ok. And I'll go over to the I can relate board too.

Thanks again!!!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Feel free to pm me. If you post in that forum I can promise you will get much more information from unfortunately, very experienced ladies.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 775 | Registered: Apr 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 30th (Monday)

What I'm going to tell you may not be reassuring. My SAFWH had an EA/PA with a trampy whore in 2001. I found out about the EA part in 2002 and he dropped her like a lead balloon. He swore up and down, even at the expense of my health that there was never a PA. I asked the same questions over and over.
He had another EA in 2004.
In 2007 I learned about strippers, then porn in 2008. It wasn't until 2009 that I asked the SAME EXACT QUESTION that he admitted that he had screwed the whore. The admission was followed by insults to my sexuality and justification for his behavior. It was not until our next MC that he admitted to the other PA as well.

Besides being master manipulators and liars, SAs are full of shame. It often takes YEARS of therapy and recovery work before they can admit their failings. Of course, the damage they do to us is longer lasting.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 7:45 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3758 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, December 30th (Monday)

What exactly should I be doing?

This feels...... Stupid & unproductive. I'm a 'get shit done' kinda girl. A keep the peace, find a resolution, be effective, efficient kind of person. This avoidance & silence really seems counterproductive.
I guess it's the 180. I'm taking care of me, the kids, my business. He's staying holed up in the spare room avoiding any possible interaction with me or anyone else.

I did pretty much lose my shit on him last night asking for the truth. I may have called him a pussy for his inability to man up. But just like that I walked out of the room & it was over. Exchanged a couple emails today. The last one from him saying 'I have told you the truth' and that's it.

Do I just maintain?

He did pack a bag & leave. He came back..... I wasn't home when any of this happened. I got a 'report' from my 18 year old.

Now what?


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, December 30th (Monday)

I did it all wrong. What I would do now is insist on a polygraph, then take it from there. If he is a SA, I'd insist on the appropriate steps. I'd detach, and set a deadline. Then I'd file. I wouldn't live in doubt the way I did for so many years. It was damaging to me and soul crushing.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3758 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 30th (Monday)

BTW, some people can stop their "drug of choice" cold turkey for awhile. It's called "white knuckling." Most often it doesn't last. And, of course there is that pesky thing about you being still in the dark about the history of your marriage.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3758 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Fogged, this is just my opinion so take it for what it's worth ok? Remember what I said about what great manipulators they are? He's jerking your chain. Did he do these things in front of the 18 year old? Do you think he knew that you would get that report? Make no mistake, they are masters. Every move my H made in the early days was very calculated. I think now that it was just an attempt to keep me disoriented.

I would stay the 180. I would go quietly about the business of showing complete indifference. When I finally did do that, for the first time since we have known each other he saw a side of me that he wasn't familiar with and it scared him. I'm kind of back to that right now because we are at a stalemate. I simply can't move on with unfinished business and he seems willing to take it to his grave. That will be what ends up destroying this marriage, as if the pain inflicted wasn't enough.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 775 | Registered: Apr 2013
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 30th (Monday)

The problem with 180, is he sort of likes 'business as usual'. Even if it doesn't necessarily involve him. He likes conflict avoidance, anything to get around facing the music, even if it means watching me go merrily about my business and not tending to his.
So I worry 180 may not be as 'effective'. Although I do understand 180 is intended to be more for me than him. More for my sanity than his. Although what I need for my sanity is answers, not silence! Which I'm not going to get any time soon.

I'm trying to get an appointment with my IC, which I haven't seen in a few weeks, because of the holidays. But I'm hopeful in the next couple of days to see her. I can tell you she will advise against the 180, only because she knows it's not necessarily 'my style'. But at this point if standing on my head in the middle of the street would help, I would do it for days on end!!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
timeforchange
Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Well it sounds like unless you manage to convince him to take a poly you have reached a stalemate.

Do you want to live in limbo like this?

I think the only chance of you receiving true remorse for him, an agreement to undergo therapy for his SA and the truth is for him to see that you are moving on without him.

Remember as we say here you can not "nice" him into changing.

SA like any addiction needs the addict to first see they have a problem and admit and seek help. It sounds like your WH is still light years away from that stage.

I would suggest you see a lawyer. Find out what your legal rights are and please think about serving him with divorce papers. You do not have to carry through with the divorce if he is willing to admit his problem, seek help and be fully transparent with you.

However it looks like at this moment that this is your only chance of "waking him up".

Of course there is a good chance he will never admit how broken he is. If that is the case maintaining a relationship with a broken soul will in time only break yours.

[This message edited by timeforchange at 12:38 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:45 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

I told him at Dday 1, 5 months ago, that if there were any other skeletons in the closet, now was the time to drag them out! If they came out months later, it would be an entirely different story.

Draw your line in the sand.

I would, and I did, hefty bag his shit.

Let him prove to you he is willing to be the man you married.

YOU need to prove nothing to him.

Asshat, self-righteous ass-hat. He needs some help getting his head out of his ass.

I am sorry, (((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
NewlyWed29
New Member
Member # 41772
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Follow the money trail!
You deserve to know the whole truth. I was able to find dates of strip club visits based on ATM withdrawals and credit card bills where ate prior to seeing strippers.

Don't obsess too much if you can help it but I think you deserve the truth so you can make an informed decision to forgive or move on.


I just need peace

Posts: 8 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pasadena
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

He came to me today & finally initiated conversation. The same old song and dance. "I love you, you're my world, I can't lose you. I've told you the truth, there's nothing more, but you don't believe anything I say. I hate what I've done to you. I want MY marriage back (not our marriage....MY marriage!). Blah blah blah.

I told him without 100% full disclosure, continuing this marriage was not an option. But I reminded him that 5 months ago as I stood over hotel sheets smeared with the makeup of a hooker & his own cum, he was still able to stand there and lie to me for 12 hours straight! To try and tell me it was bad housekeeping. And then when I found the 'arranging ' emails he still lied & said he was trying to stage a surprise threesome for me because he thought that's what I wanted. Only when I found the message where he described what he wanted to do to her & that he was an 'athletic 49 yr old' (which he's NOT). Did he finally realize the lies had run out & was forced to tell the truth. Of course it was weeks later before I got the whole truth.
So I asked him; without cum soaked sheets & all the pomp & circumstance, why now would he be compelled to tell the truth? What could I do to get him to spill it? Line up all the hookers? Bring them all to our bedroom? See if he could still deny it then?
Asked him for a poly again? He went off, flipped about his 'nervous tick' and how he'd never survive one. Whatever!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 6th (Monday)

He's still sleeping in the guest room. Not begging me to come back to our bed, but he comes in to say goodnight. I think in hopes I will ask him to stay. Nope!

He's trying to Nice his way out of this, or Nice this all in the past. We haven't discussed it much lately. I sent him an email asking about the length he had a certain email account. His 'recollection' was about a year off! Say's he just couldn't remember.

So he just walks around with pleasantries and is being so helpful at home. But no real attempts to do the things I've asked of him. Transparency being on the top of that list!

A few weeks ago I considered moving to the R thread, now I just made my first post in the SA thread. This is all a moving target!

Mexico is looking better and better. I think I'd look good on the beach in a sombrero!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Markone
Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Asked him for a poly again? He went off, flipped about his 'nervous tick' and how he'd never survive one. Whatever

If he so desperately wanted to prove his "innocence", what better way than to prove it via a poly? Or could it be.....he's uh lying?

The nervous tick part actually made me snort soda through my nose...so sorry, what an asshat.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

And WH is an entirely different person in MC than he is at home. So good at communication and presents himself so "put together".

Oh boy, does that sound familiar. Obviously, I do not know your WS, but certainly could have written this about my XWS. Mine is SA (along with alcoholic/addict/narcissist).

The lying, manipulating, and gaslighting are corrosive behaviors that will destroy you at the core (as if the affairs are not enough to do that). His cocky behavior is very telling. His lack of remorse is deeply disturbing.

I have no advice as to how to handle him. I can tell you trying to deal with a remorseless liar will hurt you. I hung in there for too long, held on to naïve hopes for too long. I am now jaded and cynical...not something I am proud of or enjoy, but it is the result of my mucking around in his f'ed up ways far too long.

Like you, I was a take charge kind of gal. I am not sure that served me well with him. I wish I had been more of a "let the scum go" kind of gal, but that's just me.

I truly hope I am wrong, but the similarities in our WS are high. And we seem to have a few similarities as well. Please do not make the same mistakes I did. Please protect your heart and soul. Please do not put up with his bullshit for as long as I did. Do whatever it takes to take care of you, whatever that is.

Sending you peace.


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Yesterday was exactly 5 months. And it's been 11 days since we shared a bed. Oddly enough he still isn't begging to come back to our bed. He's still just carrying on like nothing happened. Like I've said, trying to nice his way back in.

He asked this morning if I was free tomorrow afternoon, he'd try and schedule a MC session if I was. Probably because he's tired of sleeping in a twin bed. He's never scheduled a MC before, without my prompting anyway.

If we do go to MC, it will not be like our other sessions. I'm determined to get the counselor to stop being so nice. I feel like we need a different one, but not quite sure how we go about that. He handles us with kid gloves. Way too nice! He always complements us on how well we communicate. Bunch of BS, but then again, WS is not his usual self at MC! He's like someone I've never met! Wish I could get him to be his usual pissed, rugsweeping, gas lighting self! Sometimes I swear I'm enabling his fake behavior!

I haven't brought up the A in over a week, I feel like I want to, but at the same time I don't. It will be the same song and dance, then we'll be back to stonewalling like always.

I started making a list of why stay, why not stay. My IC asked me why I've stayed, and I couldn't really answer her, I guess I hadn't really thought about it. Yes the standard "I love him", but I'm not stupid enough to think love is enough to maintain in a F'd up relationship like this! So a list of why's is necessary!

I've copied his entire hard drive and sent it to a 3rd party for investigation....... a bit concerned what they will find. But if he refuses transparency, I will find it on my own! I have mobistealth installed on it also & haven't found anything suspicious since Dday, but I also know a lot of the activity occurred at work, which I don't have access to (sick I know!)

Ok, through rambling!

Markone...... A poly will never happen, guaranteed!

Bent......... I think remorseless liar is accurate! Regret, yes! Remorse, No!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

((( Fogged )))

I want to ask you to do step back and look at this as an outsider.

Seriously. Why do YOU need more proof, or truths? He is obviously remorseless, he obviously doesn't have the ability or care to try to have the ability to understand what he has done. He continues to treat you like an option, and with horrible disrespect.

Is this really a way to live? Do you want to spend the rest of your life being considered as an option, and not respected by the one person who should put you on a pedestal?

I think you know in your heart what you need to do, and how to get it.
180 is for you. For you to gain perspective, not for you to be able to manipulate him. He obviously is not going to own up to anything, unless you present him with photographic evidence, anything less, hell even with that he will tell you that he was just helping her fasten her bra, or check to see is her g string had a hole.

He is unable to do these things because he is broken. Just like a drinker, or a drug addict you can't force him to be ready to deal with it. All you can do is make is life uncomfortable by not choosing to do it.
I would strongly urge you to see an attorney and file for S if not D, and sole use of the home, and get his ass out of there. He is content to stay in the same home with you, but is he content to be all alone, or couch surfing with friends?

I know this hurts and wish there was a magic wand that we could wave to make them get it, or make them be honest. Unfortunately there isn't so we have to be strong for ourselves, because we deserve so much more.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8785 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I guess there's a part of me that's still hoping I'll wake up and this will all be a bad dream. Somehow as I try to put all these pieces together they won't fit right and it can't all be true.
I know that's not going to happen. It's just hard to swallow after 12 years. (After 2 other failed marriages.... young and stupid) I can't imagine those dealing with this after 25 or 30 years. Like my Mom, who dealt with my Dad's blatant LTA, in the fog, I don't know if I ever loved you BS, after 24 years of M.

But I am a very analytical, logical, all the pieces need to fit, things in order kind of personality. It's just my nature. I need all the information. I over analyze everything, but in the end, 'usually' being analytical pays off.

The idea of living with WH in this life, like this, makes me want to slit my wrists! Not at all what I signed up for, it's not who I am, how I want to live, or how I want to live out the rest of my days.

Therefore, something has got to give. I know he is not in a place of change, or even close to a place where he can admit what he has done. So there's only one other option really, for me to move on. It's not necessarily what I want long term, but unless there's a major overhaul in the future, it is what is best for me.


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Topic Posts: 26