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User Topic: A Fine Mess I've gotten myself into: Not sure I want to confess
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Stop  Posted: 12:53 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

This is my story: I had an 8 month EA/PA that just ended. My affair was very intense in a short amount of time. He was married but in a dead end loveless/sexless marriage and they had already talked divorce just hadnt finalized anything. He met me and it made his life more bearable as he didnt want to leave his kids. I thought my marriage was overall pretty good, and told him that several times. He pushed saying if it was good I wouldnt be spending time with him. Digging deeper I realized that one of the things is I just wasnt happy with the lack of passion in my life with my husband. We had tried a few months earlier to spice things up but it started to fizzle out again. I think I just wasnt interested in him in that way and it's hard for me to fake it.

So I start an affair with this married man. In the meantime life goes on as normal at home, or so it seemed to my husband. I was going out a lot but always had excuses. I made up friends that he didn't know that I told him I was hanging out with, or said I was going out shopping late at night, which is not unlike me, going out on my own for walks, hikes etc. It was not that hard to be gone and spend time with my AP. We even took a couple of vacations together. My husband thought I was with my new friends.

So eventually it all starts to wear on me and I can't sleep well and know that I can't live parallel lives forever. I start to pick fights at home with my spouse, kids etc. The stress is getting to be too much. I tell my husband that I'm just not happy and need to figure out how to fix that. He seems concerned as he had no idea since I had been going out having fun etc. He wants to help. I tell him I think I need to start going to IC to figure things out. Over the next couple of weeks he is very worried about our marriage as I told him I just wasnt sure what direction our marriage or my life was headed. I might be having a nervous breakdown I just didnt know. He wants to be supportive and wants to do whatever possible to make things work. So now he is super attentive and it drives me nuts. I then wonder why I didnt just keep things cool and have both my lifes back the way it was.

I cant reassure him very well that we are ok because I just didnt know so now we are both sort of a mess. All the while I am getting frustrated with the AP because he is an avoider of emotions and I am one who needs to be reassured. I get fed up with his lack of emotions and decide to break it off. I am a mess after that and decide I want him back. So we get back together a couple of weeks later and he tells me his wife found out about us and they are getting a divorce. Not what I was expecting.

The AP and I still see each other but it's definitely different. He seems distant and I'm wondering what I'm doing with my double life again. All the while my husband has no idea about the AP. I confront the AP about his lack of emotions with me and tell him I can't handle that. I give so much to him and he can't give me slightest reassurance? I just have been getting way too frustrated with him. He says he doesnt want me to make choices about my marriage with him in mind. They need to be separate from him, which I agree but it's almost impossible, and that he wants to start living a clean life and not sneak around. I am devastated to hear this but know I need to fix my marriage or move on.

So my dilemma is this: I know everyone here always say you have to tell but if I confess my affair to my husband it will destroy him. He was cheated on before and it was devasting. I feel it's my punishment to keep this inside to myself and not put it on him. Ive told him before that if he were to cheat I'd rather not know. Otherwise I feel like it puts the pressure on the spouse to deal with it then. It doesnt seem fair to destroy his life like that. I'm trying to justify not telling him I know.

I've been going to IC for about 2 months now and not a whole lot of progress. She agrees that it would be best not to tell him as it would probably mean a divorce since it would be earth shattering for him.

Those of you that confessed do you ever wish you didnt? If you could make things better than before and you didnt have to go through the pain wouldn't you want that? I know I would. I'd rather not know but that's just me. The thing is the affair was very intense and it's not easy to just confess everything. The AP stayed here for a couple of days/nights at one time, I stayed at his house for a couple of days, vacations etc. It doesnt seem like something that can easily be worked through.

I am trying to fix my marriage. Part of me wishes I was caught so I could just get this part over with. Honestly though if I was caught and he asked me I'd tell him to just divorce me and not ask questions as it would destroy him.

How does a good faithful wife do this to a man that has been nothing but a wonderful husband and dad? My self esteem is shot. I feel horrible all the time and yet I still miss my AP. It has only been just over a week of NC and it's not as hard as it was the first time but again it has only been a week. I'm more mad at him now so it makes it easier. I don't feel I was used though. We both wanted this relationship and he never continued to pursue me when I would start to put the brakes on. He told me he cared enough about me to want me to fix my marriage and he didnt want to destroy my family. Which is what you do when you have affairs so I know it doesnt make sense. We were both selfish and filling a void we had.

I feel like just running away from my problems for awhile but know that's not possible. Just not sure how to take this day by day. I'm an emotional wreck since I don't know how to move forward.

My husband is being so kind to me and giving me the space I need and makes sure I'm taken care of. He is a very giving pleaser type of person. At times I wished he was awful to me so I could try to justify my actions. I feel like I dont deserve someone to be so kind to me, which I don't. Just not sure I want to destroy him and our family by telling.

If I tell him he will never trust me again or may want to read all my emails or IM's with the AP. It would kill him to read them. NOt sure how to proceed.


[This message edited by confused43 at 2:15 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Hi confused43

Welcome to SI.

You will get excellent advice here.
Some of the time you won't like the advice, that doesn't make it any less valuable.

NOt sure how to proceed.

Well, I think for a start you need to give yourself a dose of reality so you can clear your mind.

He was married but in a dead end loveless/sexless marriage and they had already talked divorce just hadnt finalized anything.

So we get back together a couple of weeks later and he tells me his wife found out about us and they are getting a divorce.

Do you realise the likelihood of any of this being true is next to zero?
Cheating husbands always tell these lies. He lies to his wife, what makes you think he wouldn't lie to you?

All the while I am getting frustrated with the AP because he is an avoider of emotions and I am one who needs to be reassured.

The AP and I still see each other but it's definitely different. He seems distant and I'm wondering what I'm doing with my double life again. All the while my husband has no idea about the AP. I confront the AP about his lack of emotions with me and tell him I can't handle that. I give so much to him and he can't give me slightest reassurance? I just have been getting way too frustrated with him. He says he doesnt want me to make choices about my marriage with him in mind. They need to be separate from him, which I agree but it's almost impossible, and that he wants to start living a clean life and not sneak around.

Nope, he's not an avoider of emotions, he doesn't lack emotions and he doesn't give a tinker's cuss about your marriage choices, it's just that you are getting all emotional and needy, which is ruining his uncomplicated fuckbuddy on the side scenario.
But I wouldn't worry, he'll soon find someone else who's less work, if he hasn't already.


Others will be along to enlighten you on why you should tell your husband of your cheating.
I've given you enough the think about for the time being.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 7:35 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Yes, you should tell. It would be a first step in owning what you did. Many WS here wished they'd confessed and many were convinced their M would end if they did. Guess what? A lot of them were wrong. It will be your actions that will either save or destroy the M. Yes, it very well could be a dealbreaker but you can't be 100% sure of that. If your Hs first M ended because of infidelity, my bet is it's because his ex was unremorseful and just didn't give enough of a damn to try to fix herself.

Of course, no one can *make* you confess. That choice is entirely yours. But is keeping this secret, keeping your AP worth your mental, emotional and physical health? Keeping this secret is already taking a toll, you've said as much.

You said you love your H, now respect him enough to tell him the truth about the *real* state of the M. Right now he's in the dark and living a lie.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
AchillesHealed
Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

I'm sure I'm in the minority on this one, but I would not tell. (I know my own husband would rather be unaware of what I'd done, and your husband sounds like mine). Relieving yourself of your guilt and anguish at his expense is just a continuation of your selfish behavior.

I can't really tell if you're interested in salvaging your marriage, though. Don't stay with your husband because you feel sorry for him--he deserves someone who actually loves him and is engaged in the relationship. But if you really do want to salvage and improve your marriage, maintain strict NC with the AP and get a better IC--two months with no progress isn't a good sign. You have a lot of work to do on yourself.

Good luck.


Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2013
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

WS Only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:41 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
AchillesHealed
Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

By the way, NC gets easier--stick with it. Make lists of his bad attributes. Don't romanticize. Focus on the negativity it brought into your life. Any time you feel the urge to contact, text someone else, or get up and take a walk, or whatever will defuse the urge until it passes. And it WILL pass.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2013
AchillesHealed
Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Hey, Mods, I think we have a BS posting in this thread... please remove.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Nope, he's not an avoider of emotions, he doesn't lack emotions and he doesn't give a tinker's cuss about your marriage choices, it's just that you are getting all emotional and needy, which is ruining his uncomplicated fuckbuddy on the side scenario.

^^^^^^^^^ This. Totally this.

He's not reassuring you not because he's emotionally avoiding but because he doesn't want to.

I have so been where you are. The only thing that helped me sustain NC was the tiny ounce of self-respect I had left for myself. I was begging for crumbs and had moved from the fun and happy OW to a needy and demanding one. AP wasn't in it for that.

Think about it.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Thank you for your replies.

My therapist also thought he was feeding me a load of lies when my AP would tell me the state of their marriage but she came to realize it was true also since he is now on his own. I believed him and still do. I've witnessed their lack of interaction when I've been on IM with him and his wife walks in. I have been in his house. I have heard them talk on the phone. There was no love, no marriage there. They were their children's parents and not much more. They are getting a divorce and he has moved into a new place. I've been to it. It's all true. NOt everyone lies to get what they want. I don't believe I lied to my AP one bit. I did not need to, it felt good to be in a relationship where I was not lying actually since I was now telling lies in my marriage.

I do believe he was giving me crumbs in the end that is true but I also believe he is unable to feel emotions like other people do. We have talked about it quite a bit early on as it was a problem in his marriage too. He avoids conflict and just puts up walls. He has no courage. I may still be in the fog but honestly I do believe what we shared was real at the time and neither one of us was faking our emotions. We may look back and say wow how could all that happen so fast it must not be real, but at the time we both felt it and I don't believe he was feeding me lies. I honestly dont think he knows how to lie to me so he just avoids. and yes I did get needy because he witheld those emotions from me in the end and I needed to keep hearing them. I kept filling up his tank of emotions and stroking his ego but he just stopped giving me anything back. Part of it is because when his wife found out he had to put all his energy into getting an attorney, finding a place to live, buying everything needed, worrying about his boys, telling his family etc. and while I told him I'd give him his space I also told him he needed to respect me and my time and he failed to do that. It all became about him and I helped him through the transition and he just wanted to keep taking from me without filling me emotionally with what I needed. Enough about him.

I feel like achilleshealed said that it's just another selfish thing to do by putting my guilt on my husband to deal with if I confess. Regardless I'm not going to do anything right now. I need to sort out the state of my mind first and honestly if I can fix this and get back to be the person I want then I see no reason to tell him and set us back into a downward spiral. I've been reading on here a lot and what I see is a lot of bad stuff taking years or more to try to heal. That scares me. Not sure I have it in me to willingly put my marriage through that. Should have thought about that before I started the affair I know but I was selfish and stupid.

I'm a cake eater right, so why wouldn't I want to avoid those hurt feelings and go right to the good stuff if I can.

I need to find a way within myself to want this marriage to last though. I do struggle with that because I feel guilty about what I did and also question whether I can ever feel for my husband the passion and excitement I felt for the AP. My husband is really a great man, all good things, yet it's not enough for me...I want the passion and it's not there for me and hasn't been for a long time.

Right now I'm trying to just let time go by and see how things look as I separate myself further from the AP.

My brain knows my marriage is worth fighting for I just need to tell my heart that and right now they are not seeing the same picture.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
AchillesHealed
Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

If you start seeing a good therapist, and REALLY dig into why and how you became so broken, and REALLY do the work on changing, you won't be "getting right to the good stuff." It's immensely painful to honestly examine the mess you've made of your life and figure out how to fix it. Even if you don't tell your husband about the affair, be honest with him about the fact that you're unhappy and something needs to change, one way or another. Make it clear that this unhappiness is a result of your own unresolved issues.

As I maintained NC and focused on my marriage, my passion for my husband returned in full force (and we've been together for 20 years, so I know the struggle in that). Whatever you felt/feel for your AP, at least part of it has to do with the fact that he's something new and strange and unexplored. In time, that would've faded too.

If you do the work on yourself and still decide you're unhappy, then do the honorable thing and end your marriage. Your husband deserves both your brain and your heart.

[This message edited by AchillesHealed at 10:28 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)

He was married but in a dead end loveless/sexless marriage and they had already talked divorce just hadnt finalized anything.
If I had a nickle for every time I've heard that line, I'd be sitting pretty right now. Honey, he drove you into Crazyland aboard the Loco Express.

He met me and it made his life more bearable as he didnt want to leave his kids.
Yep. Heard that one too.

I thought my marriage was overall pretty good, and told him that several times. He pushed saying if it was good I wouldnt be spending time with him.
Deja vu. Heard that one too.

Digging deeper I realized that one of the things is I just wasnt happy with the lack of passion in my life with my husband.
Yeah, I was happy in my marriage too till my AP told me if I was happy, I wouldn't be cheating. And I too started "digging deeper" with his leadership. Amazing the crazy things we discover "wrong" with our marriages with the help of our lying, cheating affair partners who don't really have our best interests at heart.

Gee confused43, we catching a theme here?

He wants to be supportive and wants to do whatever possible to make things work. So now he is super attentive and it drives me nuts.
But...isn't that what you wanted confused43? Someone who fawned over you? Someone with "passion" for the relationship? He was trying. And you still pushed him away. There isn't anything wrong with him. It's you.

All the while I am getting frustrated with the AP because he is an avoider of emotions and I am one who needs to be reassured.
But....I thought you were having so much fun with him and that he gave you all the "passion" you wanted? Now you aren't happy. It isn't him confused43. It's you.

I've been going to IC for about 2 months now and not a whole lot of progress.
Then you need a new IC. Cannot tell you how many times I've seen people posting and they have a crap IC. Shop around. Find one that is experienced specifically in infidelity.

Those of you that confessed do you ever wish you didnt?
Nope. I vowed to honor and cherish my husband. I broke that vow. He had every right to know what I'd done. He had every right to know that I had injected another man into our relationship. And he had every right to make decisions about his own life, based on the facts that I'd given him.

If you could make things better than before and you didnt have to go through the pain wouldn't you want that?
Impossible. I was lying and cheating to my husband. I could never have lived an authentic, honest life without cluing him in on what was going on under his nose.

I'd rather not know but that's just me.
You're right. That is just you. You cannot project your own feelings onto your husband. It's a terrible disservice to him. He's a grown adult. He can make his own choices. For you to do it for him? That's wrong.

I'd tell him to just divorce me and not ask questions as it would destroy him.
Again with the projection. You don't know how he would react. All you can do is guess and project.

I feel like just running away from my problems for awhile but know that's not possible.
Truth. Because the problem is you. You are the common denominator. You aren't happy with your husband. You aren't happy with your AP. You aren't happy in Fantasy Land. Why is that confused43? Because it's you.

I've witnessed their lack of interaction when I've been on IM with him and his wife walks in. I have been in his house. I have heard them talk on the phone. There was no love, no marriage there.
And yet with all this "insight", you're still clueless about their marriage. Unless you have LIVED IN THE HOME on a daily basis, unless you are privy to every single facet of their lives, you have nothing to go off of but the lies and lines he's fed you.

You were on IM with him when his wife walked in? Yeah, if my husband walked in on me IMing the AP, I would hazard a guess that he wouldn't be all cuddly with me either. I would guess that if the AP was in our home, my husband wouldn't be fawning over me either. Duh. You were another woman in their home, taking moments of time from them, communicating with her husband. Of course she wasn't warm and fuzzy with him.

Was their marriage over? Maaaaaaybe. Possibly. But YOU KILLED it. You put the bullet in the heart of it.

I do believe he was giving me crumbs in the end that is true but I also believe he is unable to feel emotions like other people do. We have talked about it quite a bit early on as it was a problem in his marriage too. He avoids conflict and just puts up walls. He has no courage.
Sooo....all that ^^^^ is the "passion" you speak of? Lord confused43, your definition of passion leaves much to be desired. That stuff ^^^^ made you realize your marriage lacked passion? For real? Your "relationship" with the AP sounds like a death sentence.

I feel like achilleshealed said that it's just another selfish thing to do by putting my guilt on my husband to deal with if I confess.
That is a total cop-out. Total. It's not about the guilt. It's about giving him the information he needs to make educated choices about his own life.

Jesus H. Christ people. How would you feel if you went to the doctor and they ran a panel of tests on you. They don't tell you they're also screening for cancer. Which they find. But they don't tell you. All they say is that you need treatment for "something", but it's "Really no big deal, they're just figuring some stuff out. Don't stress. It's just a "phase" in your life". And they start treatments to get the cancer out. Your hair starts falling out by the handfuls, you're deathly ill, you can't eat, everything you do eat comes right back up, you're body is weak, you can barely move. You ask the doctor, "What is wrong with me!?" They say, "Oh it's nothing. Just trying to work thru some things. No big deal. Don't worry. It's just in your head." Treatment continues. And all the while, you're completely clueless.

Sound crazy? Maybe. But it's what you're doing to your husband. You are making vital choices about his life for him without his knowledge. His marriage is dead in the water, and you are trying to "fix" it, and he's clueless. How right is that!?

I need to find a way within myself to want this marriage to last though. I do struggle with that because I feel guilty about what I did and also question whether I can ever feel for my husband the passion and excitement I felt for the AP. My husband is really a great man, all good things, yet it's not enough for me...I want the passion and it's not there for me and hasn't been for a long time.
No, you need to look within yourself and find out what is so broken that no relationship is ever good enough for you. Your marriage wasn't good enough for you, your AP isn't good enough for you. You're never happy. Why is that? Look INSIDE YOURSELF. Why did you cheat? why did you look outside the marriage. I'm not talking about the fluffy psychological "digging" the AP made you do. I'm talking for real. Why cheat. The answers are within you. And it doesn't matter what relationship you have in life, it will never be enough till you learn to fill the Black Hole that is your soul.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6154 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

I''ve been reading on here a lot and what I see is a lot of bad stuff taking years or more to try to heal. That scares me. Not sure I have it in me to willingly put my marriage through that.

What''s the alternative? Get divorced? Think about telling your 5-year-old that mommy and daddy aren''t going to live together anymore. Would you rather put yourselves, all of you, including your extended families, through that?

My husband is really a great man, all good things, yet it''s not enough for me...I want the passion and it''s not there for me and hasn''t been for a long time.

Your therapist has explained to you that the "passion" you felt from your affair is merely a brain chemical high, right? A very addictive, intoxicating chemical from which it can be incredibly hard to detox. You have a choice to make now, confused43. Stay with this "great man" and fix your brokenness, give your children a chance at a stable, intact home life...or chase the high. Learn to love and accept yourself so you can be open to love and affection from your BH, and become a devoted wife and mother again...or throw it all away so you can be a junkie.

He wants to be supportive and wants to do whatever possible to make things work. So now he is super attentive and it drives me nuts.

Just. Wow. Honestly I haven''t seen a new Wayward member here at SI with her head this far up her ass since, oh gosh, what was her name? 20...something. (Just to be clear, I mean me.)


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

What''s the alternative? Get divorced? Think about telling your 5-year-old that mommy and daddy aren''t going to live together anymore. Would you rather put yourselves, all of you, including your extended families, through that?
The alternative right now is to not tell daddy so that mommy can try to get her shit together and not destroy them all. And if I struggle then i will have to figure out my next step or decide to seek marriage counseling in addition to IC and figure out what steps I need to be happy and make my family happy too. Honestly from reading on here I do not have the impression that telling our spouses is really making everyone happier in the long run. Yes the truth can set you free and I think that I will probably end up headed that route because the guilt will eat at me but I think it's different for everyone. not confessing right now means putting my family first to me. Believe me it would be nice to not be carrying this around but I hope that it lessens with time.
Your therapist has explained to you that the "passion" you felt from your affair is merely a brain chemical high, right? A very addictive, intoxicating chemical from which it can be incredibly hard to detox. You have a choice to make now, confused43. Stay with this "great man" and fix your brokenness, give your children a chance at a stable, intact home life...or chase the high. Learn to love and accept yourself so you can be open to love and affection from your BH, and become a devoted wife and mother again...or throw it all away so you can be a junkie.
Yes she explained all of that. I am still trying to process it all to be honest. I know that it's all true just need to get to the point where I dont need the high to sustain myself during a day.
He wants to be supportive and wants to do whatever possible to make things work. So now he is super attentive and it drives me nuts.)

Just. Wow. Honestly I haven''t seen a new Wayward member here at SI with her head this far up her ass since, oh gosh, what was her name? 20...something. (Just to be clear, I mean me.
Thank you for the smile this brought to me : ) Yes I know it's messed up. Only a WS would understand this, yes we want the attention and love but it's not always from our husbands that we want it. I'm working on that. So when I say it's driving me nuts it is, but it's getting better because I did tell him to back off a bit. He was so worried about my state of mind and knowing that I was concerned about the state of marriage, unhappy about the lack of passion, that he came on too strong. Constantly wanting to be huggy and clingy, and have sex. Yes it's what I want but I am still wanting it with someone else right now and so it's a process and if he surrounds me it will drive me further away.

Thank you for your comments 20wrongs. I know I am messed up but I am trying to start my path to healing.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
kmom2662
Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Confused--
Yes, you have to tell him. The affair was the worst choice i have ever made in my life. The second worst was trying to hide as much as i could of the details. My H has said many times how much better it would have been if i would have come clean all at once. Uncovering more information piece by piece added a whole new layer of damage. He is very likely to find out about the A one way or another, and you will really regret not telling him. Confessing will be really, really bad, but not confessing will be worse.
And as far as NC, make it absolute. Make sure your H has all of your passwords and account info. It will keep you honest when the cravings are bad. I made an offer to H to keylog me, and not tell me if he does, so that i never feel like i can do anything in secret. It helps strengthen my resolve.
Tell him, and good luck


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

I must say your username fits, confused.

Now, let me ask you a couple questions. How is it fair to anyone, especially your H, to be treated like a child? You saying he isn't mature enough to handle the truth, so you'll "protect" him by keeping it from him. Bullshit. You're not protecting him, you're covering your own ass.

Second, how would *you* feel being someone's Plan B? Because that's what your BH is to you. A soft place to land when a relationship doesn't work for you.

You're still being selfish, not telling because it will adversely affect *you*, not because you're worried about the kids or how it will affect your BH. You don't want to put in the hard work you know you'll have to do to repair the damage you're still doing. You're taking the easy way out and justifying it under the guise of "protecting" your family.

I know I sound harsh but you need a swift kick in the ass. And if you've read at any length on the WS forum you know that we FWS have no hesitation in doing that if we feel it necessary. I think it's necessary in your case. You keep coming up with reasons to keep this to yourself and all we FWS see is justifications and you wanting to keep eating cake. We see the massive disrespect to your BH because you don't want to own what you're doing and do the work to fix your M and yourself.

You're still in the A and I for one don't see you doing anything to end it. No, you may not still be in contact with your AP but you've more or less admitted that you'll be right back in it if your AP shows interest.

So, wake up and smell the coffee. You're hurting *everyone* by keeping it to yourself and what's really sad is your BH and kids don't have a clue *why*.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
lostmylight55
Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

IMO WS and AP are mirror images of each other's most negative traits, they amplify them. You and your AP are no different. You are BOTH selfish, liars, hypocrites, emotionally distant and conflict avoidant (another word for that is coward). I could sit here and pick apart a bunch of your quotes to back this up but I still don't think you would see it and it's possible you are so self-obsessed/absorbed right now you probably don't care. I know this because I had every one of those traits too and they are easy to spot once you've been there. I'm proud to no longer be a liar, hypocrite and coward. It took a long time and a lot of hard work to get here. There are no quick fixes, no free passes.


Your BH deserves to know exactly the type of person he is married to so he can decide if he wants to continue the marriage or not. By not confessing you are controlling. That way you can get the outcome that you want when you want it. I was controlling too. The reason I started to change was because I saw the pain in my BS face when I confessed. If I hadn't confessed, I doubt I would have changed. I needed to see and feel the full effects of the shit I created. I needed to get humble. You are a long way from humble.


So while I confessed for selfish reasons, it would have been selfish trying to continue to manipulate my M from the inside out. I did that for a long time even after I confessed. Now my BS and I have a M that is IMO incredible and passionate and real because I'm real. It's been hard work, but worth it.


Personally, I don't see how you can have integrity for yourself and intimacy in your M without confessing. You will always be living a lie.


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2011
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Aubrie, I hope your intentions are in the right spot and you are trying to help me, a new SI member, but I must tell you that you seem very unhappy and bitter. I know I have made bad choices for me and my family but if confessing means I will feel like you seem, then I don't want that because your emotions are not where I aim to be.

Your analogy is ridiculous to me. I could understand if I knowingly gave him AIDS that I would need to tell him but comparing it to cancer? Please!

and you don't know my relations with the AP, you can make assumptions because you've been through this and read a ton on here but not everyone fits in a box. I did not KILL their marriage. I know this. When she found out she didn't make a big deal about it and after confronting him it was not brought up again. She was looking for an out too and neither of them had the courage to do it, so yes I gave her the courage basically. I feel badly that I played a part in it but in no way do I feel I destroyed their marriage. They did MC and stuff prior to him meeting me but they both gave up. They would probably have been divorced already if it wasnt for me keeping him happy for so long. So maybe get mad at me for stopping their divorce which was inevitable. There are always 2 sides.

You are right my AP is not good enough for me. In the beginning while we were getting to know one another he didnt have his walls up, he couldn't or I would have run. I didn't know his walls until they started showing up. By then I was already interested and it was much harder to run. I foolishly thought I could "fix" him. Not really but in the sense that if I could make him feel important and loved that he wouldn't have to put up so many barriers with our relationship. Guess what? I was wrong. The walls slowly crept up and I couldn't scale them alone. He is the poster child for emotionally unavailable but does that mean he is not capable of love? Absolutely not. but with my type of needing assurance it is a recipe for disaster unless both parties are willing to work on it. I don't want to take the time to make excuses or defend him but everything he said has been proven true. and like I said, I never once lied to him. I had no reason to. If I was going to be so caught up with our relationship I wanted it to be for real and not based on lies and so did he.

No, you need to look within yourself and find out what is so broken that no relationship is ever good enough for you. Your marriage wasn't good enough for you, your AP isn't good enough for you. You're never happy. Why is that? Look INSIDE YOURSELF. Why did you cheat? why did you look outside the marriage. I'm not talking about the fluffy psychological "digging" the AP made you do. I'm talking for real. Why cheat. The answers are within you. And it doesn't matter what relationship you have in life, it will never be enough till you learn to fill the Black Hole that is your soul.
I would agree with this statement mostly. I do need to figure it out. That's why I started IC and came to SI. I want to be a cake eater in a sense. I want the strong loving marriage - that sounds like a cake eater to me. I want it all but I didnt have it and looked outside which was wrong. I know friends with amazing loving marriages that hold hands and are loving to each other whenever I see them, that's after being married 15+ years. I want that and I could be that person too but I want to want it with my husband and right now it's hard to feel it, but I am working on getting there. To me I'd say if you are married and still want to be married to that person then you have your cake and can eat it too! cake eater, just a different way of looking at it. It doesnt mean you have to have 2 cakes is all : )

So enough of my rants, I really am here to seek help and advice. I'm not saying you can't get mad at me or you need to make it sound all flowery, I'm just saying that you aren't always right, no one is and everyone situation is different. I have no reason to lie to any of you either, I am here to help get myself out of the mess I created with the least amount of damage to others while still working towards true happiness for my spouse and I whether together or separate. I do appreciate anyone taking the time to offer any advice they may have, even if I don't agree with it and get defensive. No one knows of my affair except my therapist. So it's hard to keep it all inside and I want to be able to come here and find support from those that have been in my shoes.

and yes I will probably contradict myself several times in my posts, not on purpose but because as you can imagine I am on a roller coaster and my emotions do change but I don't need anyone to keep pointing out my flaws or try to prove me a lair. I am here for help and support and you can be rough with me but don't be so horribly mean that I just decide to go elsewhere for support. I am just starting this process so what is so clear to you is only just starting to focus for me.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

How is it fair to anyone, especially your H, to be treated like a child? You saying he isn't mature enough to handle the truth, so you'll "protect" him by keeping it from him. Bullshit. You're not protecting him, you're covering your own ass.
Yes partly true.
Second, how would *you* feel being someone's Plan B? Because that's what your BH is to you. A soft place to land when a relationship doesn't work for you.
This is true and I know for a fact he does not want me to be with him because he is plan B.

You're still being selfish, not telling because it will adversely affect *you*, not because you're worried about the kids or how it will affect your BH. You don't want to put in the hard work you know you'll have to do to repair the damage you're still doing. You're taking the easy way out and justifying it under the guise of "protecting" your family.
Partly true. I am really afraid of hurting my husband so badly that he will never recover. I know I should let him decide that but I do know how he felt before when he was cheated on. and while it may seem easier not to tell the guilt will end up killing me so I will probably end up telling.

I know I sound harsh but you need a swift kick in the ass. And if you've read at any length on the WS forum you know that we FWS have no hesitation in doing that if we feel it necessary. I think it's necessary in your case. You keep coming up with reasons to keep this to yourself and all we FWS see is justifications and you wanting to keep eating cake. We see the massive disrespect to your BH because you don't want to own what you're doing and do the work to fix your M and yourself.
I am worried about the amount of work to fix it. That's true. If he knew the entire truth as to my relationship with AP I'm 95% sure he'd want nothing to do with me. So that's where I struggle. I'm ok getting a harsh dose from anyone but just know I'm at the beginning of healing here.

You're still in the A and I for one don't see you doing anything to end it. No, you may not still be in contact with your AP but you've more or less admitted that you'll be right back in it if your AP shows interest.
Not sure about this. It hasn't been enough time away. I'd hope that I wouldn't be right back in it but honestly I can't answer that for sure right now. Still feeling exhausted from so many emotions.

So, wake up and smell the coffee. You're hurting *everyone* by keeping it to yourself and what's really sad is your BH and kids don't have a clue *why*.
My BH and kids aren't hurting yet but they will be and that is what is my hardest part to figure out.

When I put out an update in a month saying I took everyones advice, told my husband everything, and he kicked my butt out, told all my friends and family what I did and wants nothing to do with me I'm not sure I will be thinking you gave me great advice. So for that I am trying to protect me and my family. Of course it could have a totally different outcome but right now I only see it the first way, that is why I need more time. Yes I realize I should give him that choice as I am now making it for him but I'm just not ready.

thank you for your response though. I do appreciate it. I probably need to spend less time reading and responding and more time with my family. That is what I'm going to do now. I do appreciate you all taking the time to help me see the light, even if my shades are still dark.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

The alternative right now is to not tell daddy so that mommy can try to get her shit together and not destroy them all.

You're missing the point. You have already destroyed them all, they just don't know it.
Until they do know it and mommy faces the consequences, mommy isn't going to get her shit together.

Part of it is because when his wife found out he had to put all his energy into getting an attorney, finding a place to live, buying everything needed, worrying about his boys, telling his family etc.

They are getting a divorce and he has moved into a new place. I've been to it.

When she found out she didn't make a big deal about it and after confronting him it was not brought up again. She was looking for an out too and neither of them had the courage to do it,

So he says. Unless you have discussed all of this with his wife, you really have no idea what is the truth.

I don't know whether you're naive or delusional.

This a ploy to set up a love nest for his next fuckbuddy and get rid of the current needy fuckbuddy.


Here's something to wrap your head around.

Cause and Effect.

He was married but in a dead end loveless/sexless marriage

and

Digging deeper I realized that one of the things is I just wasnt happy with the lack of passion in my life with my husband.


Which came first the bad marriage or the mindset of a cheater?

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 1:15 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

I hope your intentions are in the right spot and you are trying to help me, a new SI member,
Do you realize you posted with a stop sign? You know what that means? It means only waywards can post to you. I'm a FWW. I have been where you are.

I don't come to SI to "bash" newbies. If I did, I would be banned as it is considered bullying. I post because I care about you. Even if you don't think so.

I must tell you that you seem very unhappy and bitter.
Then you don't know me very well at all.

if confessing means I will feel like you seem, then I don't want that because your emotions are not where I aim to be.
You don't have a clue where my emotions are. You don't know me. You are assuming. So you have no real idea where I'm at.

Your analogy is ridiculous to me. I could understand if I knowingly gave him AIDS that I would need to tell him but comparing it to cancer? Please!
You're missing the point entirely.

I'm not saying you can't get mad at me or you need to make it sound all flowery, I'm just saying that you aren't always right, no one is and everyone situation is different.
I'm not mad in the least. If you think that, you're wrong. You are right about one thing tho. I'm not going to speak flowery. Affairs are never good. Ever. Affairs destroy. I don't speak flowery about them. I never claimed to be "right" nor did I ever state that every situation is the same. Your statements are based upon your assumption of my thoughts alone.

I do not for a second think that you confused43, have found the mythical unicorn of awesomeness that every wayward in this forum sought. Your affair is not special. Your AP is not special. You are a real life, human fleshlight jerk off toy for your AP. That's all you are to him. Hurts? Yeah. But it's the truth. People have affairs to use one another in an effort to make themselves feel better. That's how these things work.

The AP? Whoooooo cares about him now. After all, he really has nothing to do with your crap choices. Those are yours alone. Your choice to cheat has nothing to do with him. He just had a convenient, unfaithful cock. He could have been anyone. What matters is your choices and your decisions.

I will probably contradict myself several times in my posts, not on purpose but because as you can imagine I am on a roller coaster and my emotions do change but I don't need anyone to keep pointing out my flaws or try to prove me a lair. I am here for help and support and you can be rough with me but don't be so horribly mean that I just decide to go elsewhere for support.
If you think that anyone here is going to pat you on the head and say "Poor wittle confused43. Honey you cake eat all you want. We'll support you." you're going to be gravely mistaken. Pointing out your flawed thinking is what the waywards here do. They are called 2x4s. And as much as they hurt, they are given to you in a spirit of care and love. Because yes, the waywards here care about you and where you end up. They will call you on your crap, and catch you in your lies. Because after all, we were in the same place before. We see it a mile off.

I understand the roller coaster. I understand the anger when people point out my flaws. I understand the feeling of "people are so mean to me!". And I came to understand that all those things I thought, they were wrong. Because I wasn't the mythical, special unicorn. Just like you aren't.

I hope you can drop your walls enough to know that we post to you because we care about you and we want to help you. Believe me, I have other things I could do with my time. But I come to SI to help and talk to other waywards. Because everyone should be healthy and make good choices.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 6:08 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6154 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

When you finally come out of the rainbow fog and see this for what it really is...(a dirty destructive marriage killing affair)...then you will feel foolish. As I did and many others here.

Q: Why do [men] have sex with married women?

A: No committment.

Wake up.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Another question for you. How is it benefitting your BH to have an emotionally unavailable wife? He's trying to reconnect and you're withdrawing. And he doesn't know why. My bet is he thinks *he's* the problem. And your kids. Mommy's not really "there". She's too busy pining for the AP, keeping Daddy in the dark and manipulating things so they cause her the least amount of discomfort.

And you should confess. Guilt isn't the best reason to confess but if it pushes you to then so be it. Ideally, you should confess because 1.) it's the right thing to do 2.) it shows you respect your BH enough to allow him to make his own decisions. You don't know with 100% certainty what your BH will do. I was convinced my BH would leave me too. And guess what? Five years later, we're still together. Why? Because he truly loves me for me and he saw something worth fighting for. Are you saying there's *nothing* in you your BH would fight for?

Throughout your posts I see zero respect for your BH, your kids and least of all yourself. Confess because you respect yourself enough to stop being someone's booty call, someone's Plan B (because you are). Respect yourself enough to stop being used.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
harrypotter
Member
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)

Confused43,

I am not going to tell you what to do but I will tell you what I did and how it worked out for me. I had an affair that started with a ONS. I lied to my AP the whole time to keep her happy so my BS would never find out. Long story short I fucked up and thought best to cover shit up and deal with it myself I thought to myself that I should be the one that deals with this not my wife. Well, affair ends and shortly after my AP husband tries to blackmail me for money so I end up telling my wife anyway.
I can tell you that news is not easy to give but a couple things I wish I could change. One, to never have had an affair. Two, that I would have had the courage to tell her after it happened. If for no other reason it would have saved me from the rest of my affair and all the lies I told in between. I know what your thinking, I know how you are justifying it, I was there, I was sure it was the right thing.....for me and my wife it wasn't and i wish I would have had the fortitude to have told her on some things it would have been better. It didn't work for me.


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jun 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 1:19 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Here's a thought since you firmly believe in the truth telling ability of your AP.

Make a phone call, it's easy.

Call his wife to apologise.

You could say:

"Hello 'AP's wife', this is confused43.
I'm just calling to apologise and say how deeply sorry I am for my part in destroying your marriage and for your imminent divorce."

I can see three possible responses.

1) Highly unlikely. "I bet you're sorry you two timing, worthless, home wreaking..............................click."

2) Possible. "Oh no confused43, we're just having some difficulties at the moment and are giving each other some space to work it out, why would you feel responsible?"

3) Most Likely, "What the hell are you talking about, are you crazy, are you trying to ruin my marriage?"

Why don't you try it, just to prove how wrong we are?

Of course it wouldn't hurt to do it for the right reason. i.e. To let your AP's wife know the truth.
It will have the added benefit of pretty much ending your affair.
As well as being good practice for telling your husband.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 1:40 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
pointofnoreturn
Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Well, if you don't confess, there's always the possibility of your BH finding out from someone else, or finding out by other means.

Truthfully, I could have not told my BBF anything. I moved in with him shortly after my A, so I was many states away from the xAP.

So I stuffed it for a year. I was in the fog like you were, but oh boy after awhile of NC, the guilt and shame hit me like a ton of bricks.

So I told him. I was afraid of not being able to say everything, so I wrote a note with everything. I think if you do confess, you should write down a timeline of everything. Get it all over with now.

The sad reality is, as waywards, we have stripped them of nearly everything. Their sense of trust, their right to a normal family, and if kids are involved, their right to a normal family. But...you have to tell him. Out of all the things I took away from BBF, I could not take away his choice to stay or leave me.

One of the consequences of an A is the potential to lose your BS. Maybe they'll kick you to the curb. Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll try and try and decide he can't stay anymore at any given moment. If you selfishly have taken all that away, can you at least let him have that choice?

I won't be the one to say, "Well, if you loved your BS so much, you wouldn't have cheated!" Because we're all in the same boat here.

I won't tell you what to do, but I'd give my advice. Don't confess - for now. You first need to go strict NC with your AP. period. Write out a timeline to organize your thoughts so when it comes to confession time, you will have everything ready for him. He has to know.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Slowuptake, why are you so concerned that my AP is lying to me to me? He's not. He's not living in his house anymore. I've been to his new house and there is no wife hiding there. They are not trying to work things out, they are done. He told me how much child support etc it will end up costing and about other stuff having to do with the divorce and costs involved. I asked as I was curious. Not every man has to come up with lies to get laid. Not every man is a liar, maybe you were but the man I was with didn't lie to me about the state of his marriage. I was with him 8 months and everything he told me or overheard has been true about their marriage. I never lied to him about my marriage either.
3) Most Likely, "What the hell are you talking about, are you crazy, are you trying to ruin my marriage?"
You are wrong, not that I need to prove you wrong but I know this to be true. My AP told me exactly how she found out about us and what she found and how she confronted him. Everything he has told me has been true so far. I have no reason to doubt him. That doesn't make him a saint but stop with trying to prove that he is lying to me about the state of his marriage. I'd ask him for a copy of the divorce papers to fax to you except I'm in NC right now.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)


Q: Why do [men] have sex with married women?

A: No committment.

Wake up.

Am I wrong or aren't most affairs because there is no commitment?


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 2:59 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

pointofnoreturn, I agree with what you've said and I think making the time table is probably the best bet. Several months before I had the affair I wrote him a letter letting him know I wasn't really happy with the state of our marriage and the level of passion. It was tough to write as we don't talk about sex much, just something that happens and that's about it. I was wanting more. I found it much easier to write to him since it was so uncomfortable to talk about in person. He was very worried when he got the letter and at the end of hte letter I had written that I had considered going outside our marriage but did not. After he read it he was very concerned I had cheated but i assured him I had not, as I hadn't.

My worry is that telling all the truth is pretty intense. I know it has to be done if I confess but just wondering how much in detail one goes. If he had access to my email account I'd never be able to look him in the eye. I never said anything bad about him but the level of intensity and word choices are pretty hard to swallow for a BS. Not to mention pictures etc. If it was an EA or a ONS I think it would be easier but this was a relationship with a lot of sex and reminiscing about it through email. I know I would not want to know all of this if roles were reversed. No one knows about the affair except one major player, his soon to be exwife. However he says, although this can always change, that he's pretty confident she has no intentions of saying or doing anything about it. It sounds like when she confronted him she was very upset that he would get involved with someone with 3 young kids and what was he thinking. So in a way it was if she was looking out for me. I never know when she might change her mind though and that makes me very uneasy. She knew for a month before she confronted him. I'm guessing she was getting her act together with paperwork etc.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

confused, in reading your last post, I'm once again struck by the fact that you want things to be easy. Confessing isn't easy so you don't want to. Giving up secrecy isn't easy, so you don't want to (and there is a distinct difference between secrecy and privacy). Taking ownership of these choices isn't easy so you don't want to.

Every FWS here has done all that even though most of us were caught. I was caught but I confessed to things my H could never have known or proven. Yes it's hard but it was the best for everyone involved. You're still in full on wayward mode, still defending (justifying) your choices, still defending the AP, tryimg to make him sound like a stand up guy. He's not. He knew you're M and didn't care. Doesn't really matter what the state of his M was. He was still legally bound to his wife just as you are to your H.

You had three choices in this situation: 1.) Talk to your BH about what you thought was the problem. 2.) Get a D. 3.) Cheat.

Every WS chose door #3. Every WS here came to see what kind of person the AP really was and what kind of person *they* were. Every WS here did what was hard: came clean (whether caught or confessed), owned their choices and took responsibility and did the work to fix themselves.

To be perfectly honest (perhaps brutally so) I see you diving head first into another A if this one is indeed over. Why? Because it's easier than the alternative. Taking the path to become a FWS is hard and right now you haven't got the guts to even start. Your fog is still so thick, you need a chainsaw to cut through it. But as others have said, ultimately the choice is yours to confess or not. I just hope you're prepared to deal with the consequences when things hit the fan.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:31 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

You are wrong, not that I need to prove you wrong but I know this to be true.

Ok, I'm wrong so why not make the call to give her all the truth?
You are afraid to, because I just may be right.

My AP told me exactly how she found out about us and what she found and how she confronted him.

How do you know?
Because there's that pesky 'but he told me'.

Not every man is a liar, maybe you were

No maybe about it, I was a liar.
And you're 100% correct, not every man is a liar, but every cheater is.

Not every man has to come up with lies to get laid.

Yea, 'cause it's not like he lied to the person he made marriage vows with, so he could get laid by you repeatedly. Oooops, I think I see a problem here.

The tragic thing is, you don't see the absurdity in the logic.

The realisation I have been labouring to get you to acknowledge, is the first step for a WS in becoming healthy, is to see the affair for what it truly is. You are resistant to seeing the truth (as we all are in the beginning).

You are still in the 'unicorns prancing on rainbows shitting skittles affair fog' (delusional).

You believe your AP is at heart an upstanding person who is misunderstood by his wife and your 'luuuurve affair' would have worked out if he'd been a little more emotionally available.

I thought perhaps if I could get you to see what a low down, lying, scum sucking, oxygen thieving, walking advert for condom use, piece of shit your AP is, you could start down the road of getting healthy.

Enough said, I'll leave it alone. I'm wasting my time & yours.
'You can lead an unremorsful WS to knowledge, you can't make them think'

Here endith the lesson.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:39 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 386 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

We had tried a few months earlier to spice things up but it started to fizzle out again. I think I just wasnt interested in him in that way and it's hard for me to fake it.

So at what point did you tell yourself it was OK to cheat? Why weren't you strong enough in your vows to try harder?

Cheating is a coward's way out. You were so miserable ? Get a divorce . Go to counseling. Or better yet, figure our your own issues that require running to another man, when the worse came along.

Do the right thing now and tell your BH. If his wife truly knows, like many BS she may choose to tell your BH. It would be better if he heard it from you.

Do you love your BH?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Hi confused, welcome to SI! I'm a first and foremost a former WS, but also a "mad hatter" meaning my former BS went on to have his own affair a few years later, so I've also worn the hat of a BS - though I only post from my WS perspective in this forum. My husband and I are still married, very happily these days, and we have done a ton of work on our marriage and ourselves since both of our affairs. I believe we have a very strong marriage and much stronger view of ourselves as individuals. There's not a whole lot of bitterness in us anymore. Just to let you know where I'm coming from.

So my dilemma is this: I know everyone here always say you have to tell but if I confess my affair to my husband it will destroy him. He was cheated on before and it was devasting. I feel it's my punishment to keep this inside to myself and not put it on him.

It does eat at you as the WS to keep the truth about your marriage inside you. If you're going to remain married, your BS might not have that lightbulb moment that tells him you've been engaged in an A, but he will "know" that something is very, very wrong. That sense of knowing, that gut feeling that something is up, will eat at him from the inside out. Since he's been cheated on before, his mind is probably already going there: "Could confused43 be cheating? No, I'm just thinking that because ex cheated, and I'm putting my fears and paranoia on confused43. I have to stop doing that, it's not fair to her! But there's something wrong... maybe it's me. What am I doing wrong? It feels just like... no no no, she's not cheating, that's my paranoia creeping in from the cheating ex..." etc etc etc.

- He probably suspects (knows) on some level that you're cheating and doesn't want to admit it.
- He probably blames himself.
- He probably feels like he might be crazy.
- He is scrabbling to give you attention, affection and what ever else he can to try to "fix" a problem he doesn't even really know about.

Yes, confession is incredibly painful for both sides, but your affair is an infected boil filled with pus under the foundation of your marriage. It will itself become painful and send out offshoots of pain as it festers.

I've been going to IC for about 2 months now and not a whole lot of progress. She agrees that it would be best not to tell him as it would probably mean a divorce since it would be earth shattering for him.

Well, it might end in divorce, sure, but your husband is a grown man who has the right to not be married to someone who he can't trust, right? It's really scary and painful to think of that, but doesn't he have the right to make that choice for himself?


Those of you that confessed do you ever wish you didnt? If you could make things better than before and you didnt have to go through the pain wouldn't you want that?

I did confess and it was one of the most painful things I've done. I have never wished I hadn't confessed, no. Actually I didn't have a lot of choice about the initiation, since my FBS read my email, but I ended up confessing everything. Do you know what hurt him the most, and what - years later - still holds pain for us, after most of the other pain has faded? That I didn't tell him before he found out. That I didn't give him/our marriage the respect and dignity of a confession without getting caught.

There would no way to have a solid marriage with a huge lie bubbling and festering under the surface. It's just not possible. You can't make things better with that kind of lie under the floorboards. I wish there were a way to release that lie without pain, but the pain was ensured long ago with the act of the A. And there's no good marriage possible in the long term without honesty, so that lie has to go. There's no other way.

Honestly though if I was caught and he asked me I'd tell him to just divorce me and not ask questions as it would destroy him.

Yeah, I can totally see how that makes sense and that would have been my instinct as well. But his imagination would fill in every grizzly detail and then some. And he'd be left with uncertainty. And he'd be left with the shame that his wife didn't tell him what his own marriage really looked like. And he'd be left with the shame and humiliation of imagining you two laughing at him, knowing you had all of these private memories with the OM that he will never know about, the humiliation of being the stupidest and least informed person in the love triangle. You can't do that to a good man. You said he's a wonderful husband and good father - that fate is not a favor.

If I tell him he will never trust me again or may want to read all my emails or IM's with the AP. It would kill him to read them. NOt sure how to proceed.

A few possibilities.

- He might never trust you again because your affair destroyed that trust for good. Isn't that his simple human right to make that decision for himself, rather than you making it for him?

- He might think he could never trust you again, but give you the gift of trying anyway, for the sake of your marriage and your children. And then you two can rebuild based on truth and reality and honesty. With dignity and respect, as a couple.

I'm not going to lie, the rebuilding period sucks ass for both parties, probably even more so if you're committed to reconciling. It's really attractive to think there could be a way to bypass that mess, but in reality there's not. I think you know that, and you're rightfully scared of it. But if you want your marriage to your BS to continue, and if you respect him as a human being, then this is the road you have to travel.

I can tell you from my experience that as much as that road sucks, it's also really necessary, no matter what happens in your marriage. You have to figure out why you chose the route of cheating, you have to get a new IC who challenges you and helps you, you have to let your BS see you as you are, as you really are, and that (at least for me) can be really terrifying. But then you're a person who is capable of being in a good marriage. You're not that person right now. You're not honest, you're not trustworthy, you're not respectful, you don't have good boundaries. But you can build those things and fix them and be so much better, so much happier and so much more capable of being a good partner. And even if you marriage falls apart, you will still be that better person, wiser, more honest, more capable as a partner, friend and parent.

I think as in all things, this isn't about your husband or the AP, it's about you. Personally I don't think it matters one whit if your AP was being honest with you about his marriage or not. This has nothing to do with him. This is about you as a person doing the right thing within your life, and within your marriage, no matter what relationship is in your future.

[This message edited by circe at 11:06 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3188 | Registered: Mar 2005
pointofnoreturn
Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Confused, I was ashamed of actions I had done as well. Why I say to make a timeline first for two simple reasons. A) He deserves to know everything to make a decision. B) To prevent trickle-truthing.

Imagine your M being covered with a huge bandage. You can choose to get it over with and rip it off with one go (full disclosure) or gently tug on it, extending his pain (trickle truth).

I say don't confess for now for that reason. That doesn't mean never confess. I just think he deserves the more merciful option. Hiding it isn't merciful.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Confused:

You're in between a place of "knowing what is right" and "why can't I just have what I want".


All your posts scream ENTITLEMENT to me. As a fellow wayward wife I can relate to this enormously.

What I will ask you to think about is where does this sense of entitlement come from? Where does the "my life is so hard/bad/boring/unfair that I deserve SOME happiness at least"

For me, it's a massive distortion on what's real vs what's not. What I really want vs what I think I want. Gaining some perspective.

All I wanted with my AP was some security, stability, openness and not to be a dirty secret, whilst all along I had that with my H at home.

As 20 says, in this instance (and I do this a lot) just try and imagine what the alternative would be. Would being with AP really be worth all the extreme turmoil that comes along with it? Do you need to pledge some time to falling for your H again? It can't happen overnight.


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I'd like to expand a little on what Trying said.

You *think* you're getting what you want from your AP, things you think you're not getting from your BH. Every FWS here, man or woman, thought the same thing. "I'm not getting (insert whatever the hell you want) from my spouse so I'll look for someone else to give it to me." The thing is, we were ALL WRONG. We were just so wrapped up in ourselves that we didn't see what was right in front of and inside us.

And all APs lie, even if the AP is single like mine was. And all WSs lie. That's part and parcel of the whole cheating thing.

Yes your M may end if you confess but that's a risk you took by cheating. Obviously you thought the risk was worth it. But it won't be the A that ends it. Ask any BS here that is now D and the vast majority will tell you that it was the lies and deceit afterward that really ended their M.

Every day you put this off is another day your BH could find out from another source, another lie you've told him. And sooner or later that pile of lies is probably going to break your M past repair. But you've proven you like playing high risk, haven't you?

ETA to all who have responded. I'm thinking confused won't be back. Because we're not telling her what she wants to hear. I really hope I'm wrong though.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 7:35 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
sunnyrain
Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Seek forgiveness in ways that are meaningful to you.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 2:32 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 333 | Registered: Nov 2010
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

I'm still here. Kids are still off from school so not so much time to post.

I am not planning on saying anything right now. In my mind I feel like I need to first get over the AP so that if and when I do, I can be honest about the last time I spoke to AP instead of it being so recent.

I do worry about relapse though. I am still lost in the fog.

I am still in the "I want to want to fight for my marriage" I do want to but you are all correct that I want the easy route, with the least amount of hurt for everyone. My worry is that by taking the easiest route I may mess up again somehow because I need to resolve my own personal issues that got me in this place.

I sought out the affair and attention. I needed it for some reason. I think losing some girlfriends in the last few years contributed to it and just feeling like why don't I have more friends at this point in my life. Feeling pathetic. What is wrong with me? I'm an attractive smart healthy woman yet my insides dont reflect my outside. My husband had his own interests but I didnt really seem to have any. He told me to get some hobbies and over the summer I did a lot of hiking and biking with the AP. and strangely I didn't feel a lot of guilt over it. I guess it's that whole entitlement that is mentioned here. I knew it was wrong but it didnt stop me as I was excited to go spend time with AP. Worst part was when my girls were helping me pick out outfits to go out with "a friend" when I was meeting AP for an evening date. That bothered me a lot, but I still left.

I think it stems from low self esteem and seeking out the attention from men made me feel alive, sexy, not just a mom etc. I'm not making excuses, well I guess I am, but I think before I can set off a fire at my house it would help to start to be on the road to recovery. I am not emotionally stable right now, too much on my mind about what direction I want to go. RIght now I have the support of my BH to help get me back on track. He knows I'm confused about the state of our marriage and that I'm a wreck inside right now. If I lose him and his support right now I'm not sure what state of mind I would go into. Selfish, I know but I'm going to take it since I'm hoping it will benefit us both in the long run. I'm not getting enough sleep as my mind is racing constantly. I'm just hoping over time that this frantic pace will lessen and I will be able to see things more clearly.

I do appreciate your responses.

[This message edited by confused43 at 3:22 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Glad to see you back, confused.

Now about getting over your AP. There's a thread here called Maia's Withdrawal Guide. I just bumped it for you. Also, have you considered the idea that if you tell your BH and if you're accountable to him, withdrawing from the AP may be easier?

I know you feel we're all ganging up on you but in reality we're not doing it to be mean. We want you to do what's right. I understand you wanting to mitigate the pain you subject your BH to but along that path lies *more* pain for him because you'll trickle truth in the effort to "spare" him. It seems counterintuitive but confessing everything, all at once, will actually lessen his pain over the long run. He won't be subjected to the mind movies, wondering what *else* you're hiding. As I said, every day you keep this to yourself is another lie you tell him. You do this long enough and it will kill any chance you have of repairing the damage you've done to him, your kids and your M. This is a situation where "the easy way" is relative. Regardless of what you do, it's not going to be as easy as you want. It just won't be. It *can't* be. Telling him is the right thing to do and a first step in owning the choice you made.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:11 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
AchillesHealed
Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Confused, a lot of the people here made some good points. The timeline sounds like a smart idea--getting all of your ducks in a row and then telling him. I know I advocated otherwise, but when I think about it, my marriage would not be in the better place it's in today if my BS had never found out about it. And honestly, I wish I'd had the chance to tell him myself, rather than hear from a strange third party.

Best of luck...


Posts: 57 | Registered: Dec 2013
finallyfree2011
Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Confused

First off - I think you might be dating my X MM. I got all the same lines about his unhappy, unloving, non sexual marriage, blah blah blah. Funny how his wife turned up pregnant in their non sexual relationship.

He was a narcissistic a**hat who only thought of himself and his d*ck 90% of the time. He always said that he loved me so much that if I ever wanted out he would leave me alone forever. Total BS (and yep I fell for it all)

I was actively trying to end things with XMM but each time he was able to suck me in. I just couldn't keep up my promise to myself to stay away from him. So when BH confronted me I confessed. That was SO not my plan.

But in the end that is what kept XMM from ever contacting me again. I honestly don't think I could have stood my ground and walked away from XMM without H finding out everything.

2 1/2 years later I am thankful that temptation has been removed from me. It hasn't been an easy road but I believe my marriage is stronger now than it ever was.

In the beginning I convinced myself that XMM stayed away because he did care about me and wanted me to give my marriage the chance it deserved. But in hindsight I really think that once his W found out and left (they are now divorced) I was too much of a complication for him. Why bother trying to see me when I could sneak away from my BH when he could pick up any single, kid free woman he wanted.

So to tell or not to tell??? Nobody can answer that for you.

Good luck to you in whatever decision you make.


[This message edited by finallyfree2011 at 12:05 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

Hi confused,
I have been following this thread but haven't posted yet because I didn't know exactly what to say.

First what Clarissa said is true....the advice that you get from some WS isn't meant to make you feel bad or to be mean, it's advice from people who have been in similar situations and are trying to help you sort all this shit out.

When I first started posting I heard many things that almost sent me running away, until I realized I didn't want to hear it cuz it was true...and it was hard realizing that about myself. It's tough love at its finest...from those who have felt and said the same things as you.

I didn't confess...I got caught...multiple times because I was too stupid and blind at first to realize how dysfunctional my "relationship" with my AP was. My BH kicked me out for 9 months and when he finally let me back in he gave me one more chance to end things with my AP....like finallyfree said, I think that is what I needed to finally end things and get my head out of my ass.

And about the AP lying....honey, I find it very unlikely that he was honest about anything. And I know you will disagree with me but that is what I also said about mine....he would never lie to me or hurt me.

When.things finally came out and I confronted his BW he denied it all and painted me as a lying manipulating stalker...he told her I had done this before with other parents.

Right now I know how you are feeling and can empathize. But I think in order to really protect your family and get your shit in order you need to confess.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 808 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

Just read this thread, and, Confused...you are confused. Very.

The simple facts:

1) Your AP is by definition a liar and cheat, regardless of if he tells you "white truths" about his betrayed spouse and/or marriage.

2) You are in denial regarding the fog which envelops you, and is so plain for everyone here to see.

3) Your sense of entitlement and grandiosity are indicative of a severe case of SDDD (Selfish & Delusional Douchebag Disorder). I am still in treatment for my acute episode of this widespread wayward malady.

4) And until you "are sure you have confessed", you are wasting your time, and all of ours.

The only thing I see right now is the slow motion train wreck that is...YOU. You're sort of like a Maury Povitch episode which although repulsive, is also kind of fascinating. I'm torn between changing the channel and making some popcorn and plunking down in my sea foam green Barca Lounger.

You need help, Confused. And it's right here, free of charge, expert level.

I've walked in your shoes. So many of us here did. Please come out of the woods and join us. I hope you will start to respect yourself enough to do that simple act of kindness. Regardless of what happens to your marriage, you know, the marriage you've torpedoed, those who are aboard the currently doomed ship deserve to have a chance to grab a lifesaver. At the very least...

Good luck to you.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
finallyfree2011
Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, January 3rd (Friday)


I didn't confess...I got caught...multiple times because I was too stupid and blind at first to realize how dysfunctional my "relationship" with my AP was. My BH kicked me out for 9 months and when he finally let me back in he gave me one more chance to end things with my AP....like finallyfree said, I think that is what I needed to finally end things and get my head out of my ass.

I had several near misses too but I always came up with a good story and BH really wanted to believe me. During the final confrontation I realized I could continue lying and BH would probably believe me or I could finally end it and hope that BH wouldn't kick me out. Thank goodness he gave me a final second chance. Trust me I won't betray his trust ever again!

When.things finally came out and I confronted his BW he denied it all and painted me as a lying manipulating stalker...he told her I had done this before with other parents

Same here - when I confessed to XMM's BW she called him with me standing there and I could hear him tell her that I was lying and that I had slept with numerous co-workers and that I had been the one who pursued him which was a complete lie.

Nice guy I chose to almost ruin my marriage over huh?

My H is a loving family man, great provider and well respected at our church.

XMM on the other hand had 2 children with 2 different women before he married his BW. Plus he had several failed business and was generally disliked by all his family.

Oh did I mention that he has herpes which he never told me. Apparently he also gave it to his BW while they were dating. Luckily I never contracted it but they both spread a rumor in my church that I gave it to him.

Oh the fog I was in... embarasses me sometimes to realize how stupid I really was.


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2013
Regrette
New Member
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

I totally regret confessing but I couldn't really end the EA part of my A. 18 months out I was still tormented by thoughts of AP and couldn't "fix" my end of the marriage by myself. Now after confession and H's threat of divorce, we started MC. Start MC BEFORE (ideally before the A!)

Going back to leading "both lives, the way they were" was never an option, you know that, right? Cause AP was not giving you the happy feelings you had in the beginning. About 6 months into the A it becomes clear they are interested in convenience, and the fantasy begins to crumble...


Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

I am not planning on saying anything right now. In my mind I feel like I need to first get over the AP so that if and when I do, I can be honest about the last time I spoke to AP instead of it being so recent.

I don't think that's a bad idea at all. The way you handle the time directly after dday can have lasting effects on your BS. If you are still in the stage where you are defending the OM, saying what a stand-up guy he is, telling your BS that really if he just knew the OM you're sure they would be friends and all that, it's like a form of abuse or torture for your BS. If you're able to get your head out of the A, see it for what it is, see yourself for who you are, see a path toward repairing yourself in a healthy way and be TRULY repentant and TRULY honest, and willing to do whatever it takes for your marriage and your husband, to be a lot more selfless than you sound right now, your BS has a better chance of making it through this with less damage and your marriage will have that much better chance as well.

But how long do you think you need for that? I mean if you use that as your excuse for not telling him, when will you draw a line under it and say that now is the time? I fear that you might get comfortable in the "I need to fix myself" stage - it can be a lifelong project - and not want to confess and rock a boat that you're feeling is getting more stable and comfortable for you. Do you know what I mean?


Posts: 3188 | Registered: Mar 2005
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Thanks again to all that have responded. I'm going to focus on finding a new therapist for now.

My problem, well there are many, is that I go back and forth on how I feel about the situation. Part of me wants to tell so that he can be part of the decision making of fix it or take off.

I am still in the fog though and I know it. that is why I'm so glad my husband is not aware of it, and if and when I tell him I just can't see him ever being able to forgive me. Many people snap out of the fog right away it seems like and I just don't know if that will be me when I confess. If he asks me if I loved the OM and I tell him yes it's going to make him feel like 2nd choice. I know I can't predict how he will react but I'm trying to think out all scenarios and get the timing down perfect. Kids gone for the weekend etc. and once I start confessing there will be no going back and saying "Just kidding" so I need to make sure I am really prepared, and also so I can help him in the best way possible.

I know the marriage is worth saving, but I feel like I don't deserve such a wonderful life and husband anymore. I'll just be hanging out here I guess and reading up on other peoples posts.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Topic Posts: 47