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Wayward Side
User Topic: Do you always have to tell?
yearsago
New Member
Member # 41871
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

BW and I have been together for 10 years and married for 8.5 years. I have cheated on her twice, with the last A being over 8 years ago. I am really struggling with whether I should tell her after all this time.

*This has now come up because I recently referred a family member here, started reading, and everything has come flooding back to me.*

BW is the best person I have ever met. She is loyal, steadfast, patient, kind, hard-working, and extremely honest. Her grace is something that is rarely seen today.

A #1 was over 10 years ago. BW and I were not married and had only been dating for a few months and we were not living together. I went out with a woman who was my best friend, although I have to acknowledge that I had a huge crush on her for years, wanted to be with her, but she had a husband. We got really drunk at a bar and made out in the parking lot of my apartment complex. That night was the last night I ever spent at the apartment alone. I went to her place the next day and we have literally been under the same roof since then. Nothing ever happened again and we are 100% NC and have been for 9.5 years.

A #2 happened within a couple months of BW and I getting married. I met AP at work and felt really drawn to her. What started as an EA turned into a PA. While it never progressed to the point of orgasm, it was certainly a PA. It lasted for about two months. BW confronted me and I adamantly denied it. Her confronting me was a turning point and total wake up call. I quickly came out of the fog and realized that I had some serious changes to make within myself. I did some really shitty things during this time and my actions were horrible. I lied to my wife and lied to AP, telling her that I was going to leave and actually went as far as to tell her I was looking for apartments. It was not true. I am also 100% NC with this woman and have been for 8 years.

About a year after ending #2, I was ready to tell my wife the truth. We were getting to the point of having kids and I really needed to be honest with her. However, it never happened because she was diagnosed with cancer right before I planned to tell her. It was over a year of two surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, and everything else. By the time the health crisis ended, it had been 2.5 post-A and we were in a much different place together. There was a deeper commitment to each other and level of oneness that the cancer instilled in me. The thought of losing her to cancer was so eye-opening and the real threat of losing her scared the shit out of me.

Fast track to today. Life is so different. We have bought a house together, have two children (ages 2 and 5), and I am pregnant again. BW has often stated that if I ever cheat, she better never find out because she would not be able to forgive. She has clearly stated she does not want to know. In her heart, I really believe she knows. She's the smartest person I know and I honestly, genuinely think she knows about #2.

We have complete transparency in our marriage. She has every password, access to my phone, and everything. I do not hide anything from her (other than the 2 As) because there is nothing to hide.

Anyway, all of this is coming up because I suggested a family member come here. I started reading and it seems that everything says disclosure is paramount.

Are there times that disclosure is not for the best? I am absolutely committed to our M and we have kids now. it's a totally different game.

[This message edited by yearsago at 4:12 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Hi there, and welcome.

First let me say that I've never read a compelling case for dishonesty. I can completely understand why you didn't tell your wife when she'd been diagnosed with cancer. I know I would have made exactly the same choice with my husband. We can only handle so much emotionally at once. However...

BW has often stated that if I ever cheat, she better never find out because she would not be able to forgive. She has clearly stated she does not want to know. In her heart, I really believe she knows. She's the smartest person I know and I honestly, genuinely think she knows about #2.

We have complete transparency in our marriage. She has every password, access to my phone, and everything. I do not hide anything from her (other than the 2 As) because there is nothing to hide.

I bet you were relieved when you heard her say that! It gives you a good reason to keep the secret from her, while feeling like you're doing a kind and altruistic act for her at the same time.

What brought up the conversations about infidelity, by the way, when she told you that she wouldn't be able to forgive you? Were you guys talking about like Tiger Woods, or friends who were struggling with infidelity, or did she just bring it up out of the blue?

I ask because of course you're right - she knows. She knows about #2, but of course on some level she doesn't want to hear the truth of it stated outright though she confronted you about it and had to live through the lies and find a way to deal with that time in your marriage without your help. To do that, she must have had to do a lot of emotional compromising. And that usually comes out down the line in other ways.

I did some really shitty things during this time and my actions were horrible. I lied to my wife and lied to AP, telling her that I was going to leave and actually went as far as to tell her I was looking for apartments. It was not true.

So have you come to understand why you did this? You were recently married to what sounds like an absolutely wonderful woman. Do you know why you cheated on her and lied to both your wife and the AP?

(By the way I'm assuming you know if you've read here that folks are pretty much against marital dishonesty in all its forms, and advocate for honesty for all parties, so I hope my answer is implied - yes, you should always tell...)


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Hi yearsago welcome.

Circe has given you really good advice.

I will just add.

BW has often stated that if I ever cheat, she better never find out because she would not be able to forgive. She has clearly stated she does not want to know.

I don't think this is the real reason you are reluctant to tell.
Most BS's make this same or similar declaration before they find out.
Strangely enough despite the awful pain we inflict, an awful lot of them want to reconcile. Go figure.

the real threat of losing her scared the shit out of me

The reason is more this.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

For the record you should tell, so she can make a decision based on truth not suspicion.

I wish you luck.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:19 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
yearsago
New Member
Member # 41871
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Circe - thank you for responding. I am unsure how to quote your text and wanted to answer some of your questions.

The question of infidelity was brought up in light of an extended family member's affair. She mentioned that she would not want to know and I directly asked her, "You wouldn't want to know if I cheated?" She stated that she would not want to know, as she would not be able to forgive. She said that if that happened, I had better get myself together and make sure she does not find out.

To your second question, yes, I do know why I allowed the cheating to occur. I have made significant strides as a person in the past 8 years and have insight into the hows and whys of my transgressions. I can truly, confidently say that I am not the same person. Our family is the most important thing in my life and I strive every day to make decisions that only strengthen our family. We have a marriage that most people truly envy - strong, loving, and compassionate. We respect each other and really go out of our way to maintain a loving relationship. I completely get that respect was lacking 8-10 years ago because the As would not have occurred otherwise.

It's so hard to think about telling her now because of her clear instructions regarding wanting to know. Plus, we have kids now and I am expecting #3.

Slow - you are correct in that a huge fear of telling her now is the absolute fear of losing her. My wife is a pretty straight shooter and I can honestly predict she would be livid if I told her the truth, not only due to the anger over the A, but also due to anger that I told her when she made it clear she does not want to know. I believe she would be pissed that I did not listen to her wishes. I really believe that she knows, in her heart, about #2. I 100% believe that.

If she came to me today and asked if I ever cheated, I would shake like a leaf, want to vomit, and tell her the truth.

[This message edited by yearsago at 6:30 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

but also due to anger that I told her when she made it clear she does not want to know. I believe she would be pissed that I did not listen to her wishes.

You keep coming back to the 'get out of jail free card'.


I really believe that she knows, in her heart, about #2. I 100% believe that.

Belief is not fact.

Setting that aside, if she already knows in her heart, than where's the harm in confirmation?

Here's the thing, circe & I have given you solid, logical reasons to tell.
You keep countering with justifications of why you shouldn't tell. Because you have already made up your mind, your just searching for validation.
I get it. The guilt has been gnawing away at you for 8 long years.
Your recent brush with infidelity referring your family member to SI by your own admission has brought it to the surface.

Setting aside what's best for your BS, at the end of the day, do you want to free yourself from the guilt?

Best of luck to you.

ETA: What's best for your BS is telling. Just wanted to make that clear.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:57 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

No disrespect intended but it seems you want someone to talk you out of doing what your conscious is telling you is right. I won't lie, I feel as if it is only about you but I am a BS who was lied to for years. When I did find out it tainted the way I viewed my own life, decisions I made because I thought I was married to an honest person, and the way I viewed him.

Just out of curiosity, your wife had not trouble with fertility after chemo? I have a friend who is going through it now.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3969 | Registered: Aug 2007
yearsago
New Member
Member # 41871
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Here's the thing, circe & I have given you solid, logical reasons to tell.
You keep countering with justifications of why you shouldn't tell. Because you have already made up your mind, your just searching for validation.
I get it. The guilt has been gnawing away at you for 8 long years.
Your recent brush with infidelity referring your family member to SI by your own admission has brought it to the surface.

Setting aside what's best for your BS, at the end of the day, do you want to free yourself from the guilt?

Thank you for this, even though it is hard to read. But that's okay. You are partly correct and partly wrong. I did come here hoping for someone to tell me to keep my mouth shut and not tell. You are wrong in that my mind has been made up already. While I lean towards keeping quiet, I am not firm in that decision. The more I read, the more I lean towards telling her. I am just terrified.

You know what kills me and stops me the most? Our kids. They are 2, 5, and we have another on the way. The thought of my wife leaving is terrifying, but the thought of not having my kids here every night is heart-stopping. Truly induces a lump in my throat and immediate tears. I can not bear the thought of having only shared custody and not being with them 7 days per week, especially as a consequence for a choice I made years prior to their conception (the initial choice to cheat, not the subsequent choices to not tell).

[This message edited by yearsago at 7:31 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014
yearsago
New Member
Member # 41871
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Just out of curiosity, your wife had not trouble with fertility after chemo? I have a friend who is going through it now.

Yes, the chemo put her into menopause. We tried a round of IVF to harvest eggs prior to the start of chemo, but it did not work. We are a same-sex couple and so I carried the kids after her diagnosis.


Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Thank you for the information.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3969 | Registered: Aug 2007
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Yearsago there are many BS who said they'd leave and not want to know. My xSO is one of them, don't let the x scare you we broke up due to a combination of his and my infidelities and actions. Now how is it fair to her to not be able to make an informed decision about her life and who she is spending it with? Seriously its easy to say I don't want to know, I would definitely leave if you've never been in the situation.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Oct 2012
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

You are wrong in that my mind has been made up already. While I lean towards keeping quiet, I am not firm in that decision.

Fair enough.

Good luck.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
gotmylifeback
Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

We have complete transparency in our marriage. She has every password, access to my phone, and everything. I do not hide anything from her (other than the 2 As) because there is nothing to hide.


It is up to you whether to confess or not. But you cant say that you have complete transparency and then have exceptions.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
wanttounderstand
New Member
Member # 33819
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I was afraid and did not tell. My husband was a afraid and did not confront even though he knew. Neither one of us wanted to blow up the fragile marriage we had. This allowed us to co-exist for many years and eventually we created a comfortable life together. Because of the "secrets" we never had true authenticity in our 27 year marriage. On his death bed, when he realized he was dying and I asked him if he wanted me to hold him, he said NO. I will never, ever, forget that moment. If you want an authentic relationship, be honest. That is all I can say.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Nov 2011
gotmylifeback
Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

wanttounderstand,
I've read your profile and your recent posts. I'm sorry for your loss and things you have had to endure growing up.

yearsago,
Yes, you can continue to stay married and just maintain things as they are. But, you stated, "BW is the best person I have ever met. She is loyal, steadfast, patient, kind, hard-working, and extremely honest." If she was keeping secrets would you want to know? You also mentioned, "Her grace is something that is rarely seen today." The only way to really prove that is when it is tested. She can only give grace to what she knows about.



Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Hi yearsago

I am going to be the one you've been waiting for. And I'm saying this because one of my dearest friends has told me that she categorically would Not want to know.

I believe her. I know her extremely well and I believe her.

I've struggled with this issue in a different context so I'm intimately familiar with all rationales....and I know someone very closely and since childhood who would not want to know. There are exceptions .

To qualify, probably if her H was in a current LTA and he was displaying the typical jerkowitz behaviors of most WSs during affAirs, then that would likely be different. But for her to know about something so far back in the past, long gone and over. there is NO WAY IN HELL I would recommend that she be told. It would destroy her.


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what happened to me.

9 years in marriage, my wife had the affair, short, was able to cover it up when I got suspicious, we had 4 kids, I bought the cover up. Lies followed more lies, years passed, people we knew got divorced, other people had affairs, 9 years of guilt, 9 years of knowing she was living a lie, our sex life was poor, she would withdraw at times, I'm always thinking it is "me".

I'm nearly to the point of leaving, clearly not wanted like I want her...so I think.

She confesses, on our 18th anniversary. The most horrible feelings I can imagine follow. It was Hell on Earth, compounded by the lies that followed and the trickle truth. She didn't understand herself and why she had cheated.

Suppose you want to tell this...what do you do?

You first go to IC. Understand yourself thoroughly, hold nothing back in that discovery. Take months of painstaking work, if the first counselor is not working then get another. Work here as well, again, hold nothing back.

Get yourself mentally healthy enough to do this the right way.

Then, if you tell, do not hold back anything that is requested, do not excuse, explain, answer, do not blame shift, accept responsibility, do not lie, be honest and open when asked, do not run, be there for them. Have a timeline.

Do not do this with kids around. I was unable to sleep for nearly three days after I was told. We were in a hotel and two children were in the room asleep when my wife confessed.

Do not do this on a special day.

Do not do it on the spur of the moment.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 970 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I think too often on this forum, advice is "one size fits all."

I don't have advice for you. I don't advocate dishonesty but it sounds like your wife is, in fact very "in tune" with you. I have read plenty (though perhaps in the minority overall) of opinions of BS who said they would rather have never found out, in cases where the A had ended if the WS had not confessed, they most likely would never would have known.

I, personally, believe I would rather know in such a case, but I think you should continue to take the cue from your wife. If she is sending you clues she does not want to know (or be forced to discuss, acknowledge, etc.) then you should probably go with that, and continue the same loving devotion of the past 8 (faithful) years without bringing it up. But of course if she brings it up, and asks the past, don't lie.


Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
Heartbroken2013
Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I am ging to have to disagree with the others on here and im sorry if this causes offence to those others who have by no means given you their honest opinion and good advice.

but for me ...

I wouldn't tell!

This happened over 8 years ago! You have since had 2 children, and are pregnant yourself. You have proved you have changed, what would be the point in raking all this up and having your wife hurt to the point where she will never look at you in the same light again.

I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say ...

I wish I didn't know that my husband had an EA!

I got some truth Nov 2012 but the devastating news came 11 mths later in Oct and I truly wish I hadn't known. I wish he hadn't told me, or that if he had told me in the beginning.

Nearly a year later was too much for me and every day I hurt.

Please don't hurt your wife anymore. Live with the guilt for the rest of your life - its only fair that you do. But don't hurt your wife any further, she doesn't need to know ... its passed, its finished, don't rake it up!


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 2012
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

No stop sign here, so I will put in my two cents.

First, a question. Do you love your BS? If so, you have to confess. Your BS has a right to know the truth about the marriage. Your BS also has the right to decide if your two affairs are deal breakers.

Until you confess, you are keeping secrets from your BS. Is this a good basis for a relationship, or is this living a lie? What happens if your BS finds out about your affairs another way?

You are not saving anyone any pain by not confessing. Do the right thing for your BS and confess. If there are questions, answer them truthfully. Trickle truth is almost as bad as not confessing.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2011
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

in addition to what everyone else has said, do you really want to have to "trick" someone into staying married to you?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4908 | Registered: Dec 2010
hitbyatruck
Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I do not always believe confession is best. I am a BS. I am coming from two different angles here.

One is I have a friend that never confessed an affair that was a decade ago and after seeing what infidelity has done to me I don't think she will ever confess.

The other is I found out about one of my H's affairs 7 yrs after it was over. This knowledge has done ZERO for me. It was WELL over for him, for me it was brandnew and painful. I can honestly say that I am not better for having found out about it.


Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Hi yearsago,

I think, based on you being here asking, you already know the answer that is right for you.

Also, I'm very surprised by some of the answers here. If you read some of the posts on the other forums, there is basically no one that says they'd rather not know when the question is asked. The answers in this thread seem a little skewed, imo.

I hope you find to courage to let your BS know, and are able to get through this together.

(((yearsago)))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

yearsago,

She's the smartest person I know and I honestly, genuinely think she knows about #2.

FWW and one of her OM reportedly said something similar about me. Presumed I knew and just did not care. I am smart, I should have realized what was going on, but I did not. My ignorance was a bliss.

I would never wish the aftermath of dday on any BS, but I would even more hate for people to know important and intimate details of my M that I did not.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Heartbroken2013
Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

I wish I didn't know!

Its over for my WH but near on a year later he confessed, it wasn't even a physical affair, he hadn't even met the woman in question, but it hurt like hell knowing he would ring her every day and text her ... it hurt like hell and I wish he hadn't told me!!!


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 2012
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

I'm a BH and I believe you should always tell. You don't knowingly take away another person's right to make informed decisions about their life. I found out about my STBXWW 3 yr LTA with a coworker after we had been married for 7 years. 3 months after Dday I found out she had an A 1 year after we were married. I feel like she stole those years from me. I was not given the right to make decisions about my life. Decisions were made for me without my consent or agreement. I made career choices and life decisions because I thought my WW and I were on the same page. The reality of it is we weren't and she just never told me.

She took away my ability to make informed decisions about my life and by doing so she took 10 years of my life hostage that I will never get back. My WW was unremorseful though. The only reason she confessed was because OM's BW confronted her outside of their apartment and the police were called. She figured I would find out when the cops came for a follow up.

I'm not bitter anymore. My life is mine to control again. I just wish my stbxww respected me enough and wasn't so selfish that she felt the need to lie to me for our entire marriage. Even after Dday I didn't leave, I understaood she had issues and needed to work them out. She couldn't though, she continued to lie and TT killed any love I had left. It's the lies that kill a BS and the longer you don't tell the bigger the explosion is when you finally do tell.

As for those that say they wish they had never known, to each his own but I thought that way initially as well. But if she had never told me I would be stuck in a miserable marriage and not know why. I thought my broken M was normal. I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried to reach out to my ww, I offered to seek counseling, I set up date nights, I was a good husband and father but I couldn't compete with fantasy because I was reality. I would gladly choose Dday and all the associated pain that came with it again because until then my life was a lie and honestly didn't make much sense to me. I much prefer living with the truth and the knowledge that I was NOT crazy all those years and I am in control of my own destiny once again.

Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:14 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
srdncjellyfish
New Member
Member # 19600
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

The way you describe your wife, she sounds very similar to my husband. You made a point to say how honest she is. If she makes it a point in her life to be as honest as you say, I can assure you that she, like my husband, respects and values honesty above all else.

My husband has no need for someone who lies to him. About anything. We were talking this morning, and he flat-out said he'd have more respect for a woman sho came up to him and said, "Hi, I'm easy. Wanna fuck?" than he would for someone who was that type of person but used any other tactics to get in his pants. That's not to say he'd be interested, but he would respect the blatant honesty. I have a feeling, based on what little you've said, that your wife would feel similarly.

That being said, you've expressed your blinding terror at losing your wife and family. I get that. I feel that way every day. Here's the thing...how much do you think your wife respects you for living this lie for so long if she, like you suspect, know's about A2? How much intimacy do you think has been lost in all those years with both of you knowing there was this huge smelly elephant in the room? You talk about how close your relationship is. Just imagine the increased closeness if there were truly no secrets between you!

Will she leave you? That's always a possibility when we make unilateral decisions in our relationships. We all, all WS's, acted without regard to our partners, you included. BUT if you clear this mountain range you've put up between the two of you, she will be free to be included in that decision, finally. She may leave, she may just need some time away from you, she may be grateful to learn she's not crazy about your past behavior (and she DOES suspect it, make no mistake). And maybe she'll show the grace you praise her for and work toward forgiveness and acceptance. Right now, you're still making that decision for her. You're forcing her to live a lie. And you're not giving her the credit she obviously deserves.

You've already done the damage. She has the right to know if she wants to try to repair it.


Me: Madhatter, 31
Him: Madhatter, 41
Together since Feb 1, 2003; married Feb 1, 2012
Initial D-day (mine): August 13, 2007
He confessed two RA's over the following months.
Hoping and praying for R

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Texas
Simple
Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

You don't knowingly take away another person's right to make informed decisions about their life.

This.

My WS had multiple affairs, some of them years and years ago... he thought he fixed himself and it was over. Then he confessed and realized he'd barely scratched the surface. By not telling, you're not just hurting the marriage, you're hurting yourself and disrespecting your wife.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, January 4th (Saturday)

7years hits on something you may know, or may not even realize, youve done, this pain had to go somewhere, and it likely came out in the form of gaslighting. She probably had some gut instinct something was wrong but couldnt figure out what it was. Happens a lot, your lies and issues during that period may have driven her crazy. Of course thats just a guess, and i have to agree completely with the voices of complete disclosure. You say youre being completely honest, except the elephant in the room. This is a long term lie, not a long term solution. Letting go of that control over events is the only way you will really be honest, and its also the only way to avoid this guilt and shame from coming out in worse ways. Count me as one of those betrayed spouses that was hardcore walk out the door no matter what and even I tried to reconcile. You never know until youre actually in those shoes.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

From what yearsago wrote, her BS did suspect and confront and was lied to. I think that's different than someone who has never had a clue that their spouse was unfaithful. That's someone who knows and has had to deal with that knowledge privately.

I don't know. I've been the WS and the BS at this point in my life and I guess I could say and probably have said at times that I wish I'd never found out. Keep the painful truth, and I'll take the comfy lie. But in reality, it's just wrong for another person to hold something about my own marriage secret from me. If it was phrased differently: would you want your spouse to be experiencing a different marriage than they allow you to experience? would you want your spouse to engage in a cover-up? would you want to be married to someone who made the decision to choose which parts of the marriage they allowed you to know about? I wouldn't want any of those things, ever.


Posts: 3191 | Registered: Mar 2005
Bdell
Member
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

MY wife had a 5 month affair (2 months PA) 4 years ago. she went to IC and her counselor told her to "bear her burden of guilt" not tell me, but work on being the best wife and mother she could be. That the guilt would fade, in time. Well I found out from another source. Since that time she has shown complete remorse, has bent over backwards and done handstands to prove herself, but the fact that she never confided in me, is an enormous stumbling block to our recovery. IMHO, you should tell for two reasons, to show respect for your BS, and because there is always the possibility that the BS might find out from another source, like me. If my wife had told me at the time, I know that I would have tried to work it out. Because she didn't we are very near divorce. Probably 80-20 in favor of D.

[This message edited by Bdell at 11:45 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Poster on another thread was talking about her wh confessing to an affair that happened a long time ago. For 8 years the OW stalked him. The WH was paranoid for his BW's safety and exhbited other crazy behaviors. After dday all this stuff started to make sense. My bet is there was a ton of gaslighting from your side, and you may not even realize it. In some ways it will be a relief for her.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Itstoohard
Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Although I suspected for years and threw it up at him at every fight, of which there were many, he lied every time. Finally 22 years later in a fight, he came clean. Had he been like you and woke up and changed into a wonderful husband it might have been easier to live with but no, he was afraid I would leave him if I knew he treated me horribly for all the 22 years after. The worst for me now is having no respect for myself for putting up with that treatment for so long.
I don't feel you can ever say you have a wonderful marriage if you are living a lie. Just MHO.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Also, I'm very surprised by some of the answers here. If you read some of the posts on the other forums, there is basically no one that says they'd rather not know when the question is asked. The answers in this thread seem a little skewed, imo

Interesting. I don't really read any other forums on this topic, but I have talked to several people in real life and some have said they would rather not know, and I believe them. I also told my sister that her H "hit on me" on my 25th birthday. I could tell she would rather I had not told her. I don't regret telling her though, because at the very least, he learned to never try that stunt with me again.


Posts: 5741 | Registered: Apr 2006
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Im on the fence with this one? It sounds like you have stopped all the behaviors? I don't know if I would tell and Im a BS, I just don't know if I would want to cause someone so much pain. Have you gone to IC? Maybe you should! Do you know why you did that? Have you worked on yourself? You say you have another baby on the way? Do you really want to cause all this pain? I hope you find your way to whatever decision you make.


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 34