SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: for now or forever?
MairISaoirse
Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

there is a thread going on in the General section, and this quote from it i feel seems like a good place to start where I wanted to go
you reconcile. Guess what? The waywards go out and do it again

I know there are many waywards that never stray again after D-Day, and then there are those who "relapse", so to speak.

I, at this point in time, am convinced I will never cheat again. I don't just say it though, I really do think that and wholeheartedly feel that. I'm convinced that I will never cheat again. I want to change and do the work to become the better person that I want to be, and I'm working towards that daily. I never want to cause anyone the pain that i caused my BF, and I honestly never want to feel this way again. I'm now actively making choices to prevent any circumstances that may ever lead up to any infidelity again on my part

Is that naive?

my question is, are there waywards out there who have felt this way, but later on ended up cheating again anyway? and if you dont mind telling your stories, what are the reason(s) why you think you ended up reverting to infidelity again?


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I think that is bullshit that one will always do it again and again.

And honestly, although Waywards are ultimately to blame for the affair, I also think that when you are constantly neglected and mistreated, maybe you get desperate and do stupid shit.

Not an excuse but a reason. And I know I will get jumped on for blaming my DH. I really don't. I know I could have chosen differently and should have. But the breakdown of the entire marriage is not entirely due to my A. It has been going on for years.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Yes. I cheated on my first boyfriend and in several after that. And then in my M. See my tag line.

After I cheated in my M, I vowed never ever again. I never confessed back then and never addressed my shit.

With my M on the line and coming face to face with the horror of what I had done, I finally had to address 20 years of entitled bad behavior, shame, and coping strategies.

So I was "sure" I would never cheat again. I white-knuckled it and changed nothing.

But now I have changed. I faced the demons. I would sooner cut off my arm than go through this again. I don't see it anymore as something to tuck away and keep . It is real. It is lifechanging.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Sorry for the t/j MairISaoirse.

Hi Daisy

Since you asked, I'll bite.

Not an excuse but a reason.

Even though every other person on this site says the exact opposite you still maintain this stance.
For your own sake, let it go or keep it to yourself, because you are never going to get any sympathy for this perspective. Or is it you like the attention? Mmmmm, something to think about.

Please understand, if I ignored you and didn't bite, it would mean I didn't care about your well being.

end t/j. Move along. Nothing to see here.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I also think that when you are constantly neglected and mistreated, maybe you get desperate and do stupid shit.

@daisy. This is classic blameshifting. There are many choices besides cheating. Cheating is a cowardly way of coping and speaks to the weaknesses of the perpetrator, not the BS. A bad M is an excuse, not a reason.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
RegretfulHusband
Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Hi MairISaoirse.

While I totally understand Diasy1967's perspective, I think it's a matter of the person.

I myself have been in multiple circumstances (two physical and others that came too close), and feel as you do, that this time it's not just words, it's truth.

I know that sounds like a cliche, but I have never felt this actual, physical, NEED to be honest in all things as I do now.

So I think that if a person can come to a point where they can overcome their own selfishness (and I say that because that's what it was for me), and see the person they really want to be, that they can and will change.

I can't say that something could never happen again. BUT, I CAN say that I will never put myself in a situation again where that temptation would be there.

When I go on Business Trips, I will go to my work, and go to my hotel - nowhere else. when I think of temptation, I will picture the pain in my wife's eyes and the hurt in her voice when I confessed what I had done.

Recently, I was on a business trip post-affair (wife approved trip), and the guys that were hosting me for dinner suggested a strip club. Without hesitation, I said "Sorry guys, but absolutely not. I have my personal rules, and that's one of them (now)."

So in short, it's up the person. If you WANT to change and be faithful and honest, you can do it - but for me, it took a true "aha" moment before I could get there.


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I can't say I believe every WS cheats again but I believe the majority do. JMO.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3971 | Registered: Aug 2007
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

My story is similar to Mrs Panda- cheated in my first marriage, never confessed, never was discovered, never dealt with my issues...BUT also never considered whether I would do it again or not. I just tried to leave it behind me and not deal with anything.

Not only did I cheat again, but it was with the same op as the first time. Totally broken, unhealthy, shitty coping skills...all because I didn't deal with my shit.

So yes, after seeing the damage, doing (and continuing to do) the work on me, digging, experiencing the pain I caused Mrs LRH and myself, yes, I am sure to the depths of my soul that I won't do it again. The trick is to recognize that you're susceptible, that your choices are the same as they've always been. The fact that I'm aware that I'm capable of causing this much damage is a big part of what keeps me alert to prevent it.

Is that naive?

It doesn't have to be. You are capable of doing it again, so do something about it. Dig, work, stay vigilant, repair your boundaries, develop self respect. Be the person you aspire to be, and if that person isn't a cheater, then you won't cheat again.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I am not seeking attention from anyone. Just giving a different perspective. People are always asking "why". I am not saying my "why" was the right thing. Far from it.

I don't need sympathy from anyone, nor am I seeking it either. I am actually doing quite well today. We don't fight as much and I don't ask anything of him. We coexist.

You think I have not agonized over my mistakes? I am the worst at beating myself up.

I blame myself for the A. However, I do not, nor will I ever, blame myself entirely for the breakdown of the marriage. Ever. He did a hell of a lot to me. My problem is, I dealt with it in a totally shitty and ugly way, instead of like an adult. I was totally selfish. I was worse than he was.

But I am getting my punishment. I will forever be punished here. Another A? Hell no. I could not possibly care less if I ever touch a man again. It hurts too much.

Yeah, I know, I deserve it.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

No stop sign so I'll have my say. I forgave my XWSO once. He just got better at hiding things and did it again. Turned it on me so it was my fault because I didn't validate him or whatever bullshit excuse he threw and she was so amazing. Done.

Same thing DH went through with his own cheating XSO before we met. She made him think it was his fault. When he forgave and took her back she pulled the same shit and exposed him to diseases during her 2nd round of cheating.

At the end of the day? I don't know if once a cheater always a cheater is true but I know I will never give a 2nd chance. Go take your risk with another person. Not me.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 365 | Registered: Aug 2012
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Daisy1967,
And honestly, although Waywards are ultimately to blame for the affair, I also think that when you are constantly neglected and mistreated, maybe you get desperate and do stupid shit.

FWW said similar the first year after dday before she started really working with her IC. She felt neglected, mistreated, and entitled, but it was her perceptions that were off, not how she was being treated. I am not saying that is the truth in all cases, but while perception is reality, it is not THE reality if the perception is not based in reality.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4132 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I blame myself for the A. However, I do not, nor will I ever, blame myself entirely for the breakdown of the marriage. Ever. He did a hell of a lot to me. My problem is, I dealt with it in a totally shitty and ugly way, instead of like an adult. I was totally selfish. I was worse than he was.

Now this is what I call owning your fecal matter.

No you are not responsible for the breakdown of the entire marriage, Just the affair you brought to it. He was wrong for what he did, as are you. But you know that


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2504 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Stillstings
Member
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

No you are not responsible for the breakdown of the entire marriage, Just the affair you brought to it.

So very true. An affair is the bad and multiple CHOICES of one person. It took me years to understand my WSO's CHOICES (read not decisions or mistakes) were because he had poor boundaries and a lack of accountability.


Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 365 | Registered: Aug 2012
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Sorry for the t/j again MairISaoirse.

Hi again Daisy


Yeah, I know, I deserve it.

No you don't.

I think there may be some communication breakdown here.

When posters ask you for your 'whys' they are not meaning "What was wrong with your marriage?"

Given that you willfully chose to cheat, what was the defect in your character/integrity that allowed you to make such an obviously immoral choice, instead of a moral one in response to your bad marriage.
That is the 'why' they speak of.

I hope this helps, because I can see your hurting.

end t/j


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I guess I just wanted love. I have never felt totally loved. There are so many conditions and rules and bullshit with my husband.

I was weak and stupid.

I would like to know the defect in the character of a man who neglects his spouse too. That would be an interesting study, I think. The "I don't want you but no one else can have you" trick. Love it.

BUT....

I cannot fix him. I can only fix me. Working on it.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I cannot fix him. I can only fix me. Working on it.

It's good to see you getting there.

Peace.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
DessieLessie
New Member
Member # 39991
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Is that naive?

No, I don't think so. I think a lot of remorseful waywards never backslide. I might even go so far as to say that an introspective wayward, having cheated once, can recognise the causes and warning signs, knows why it's such a horrible thing to do, and what safeguards need to be in place to stop it. Does that make sense?

Fifteen + years ago I cheated on an ex boyfriend. The relationship didn't survive the experience. In hindsight it was an exit affair. When I confessed, ex-Bf thought the relationship could still work and he was shocked, cried, was torn apart by it and honestly just thinking of that moment makes me wish never for a repeat performance.* It was one of the most awful experiences I ever had.

Nowadays I work in a male dominated field and play online games so there are opportunities to develop friendships with men. Unfortunately, not all men respect that a woman is married. That's how my cheating in the previous relationship started out. Sometimes the conversations come close to the boundaries of friendship and instead of indulging them (as I did in that previous case) I think of that DD and apply the brakes. I try to always think 'How would my husband feel if he read/overheard this discussion?' If a guy is a repeat offender, I dial back the friendship to being coolly polite. We've been married for four years and together for almost seven and in that time I haven't felt the temptation to wander.

If I was to hazard a guess I would put you at low risk of repeating your past behaviour. You're young, you made a mistake, you recognise that it was wrong to do and you're committed to never repeating it.


* Came to find out after that relationship ended that he had been sleeping with another woman for more than six months before I strayed. Even though it was over I still felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I'd rather die than do that to my husband, another reason I will never cheat.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

People can change if they want to change.

Waywards that are overwhelmed with guilt and shame and do the hard work, therapy and behavioral changes required CAN change.

I for one will NEVER hurt my BS again because I can't imagine putting her in that much pain AGAIN. I was naive to not think my A would hurt her in the first place, but now i KNOW. To go out and do it again would be me complete destruction for us both.

Plus the kids...I NEVER considered ONCE what my A would do to the kids and now I risk them being raised WITHOUT ME. I would NEVER risk that again and every day I wake up fighting for the right to live with them again.

That being said, no one should expect a different result if everything stays the same. If the Wayward changes nothing, why wouldn't they cheat again? It's like expecting an alcoholic to be sober, even though they still hang out in bars...


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Waywards that are overwhelmed with guilt and shame

Be careful with this. Guilt and shame have their place and serve their purpose in a healthy person, but becoming overwhelmed by them simply makes them another bad coping mechanism. To be bogged down in guilt and shame is to still be selfish. Guilt and shame are all about you and how terrible you feel. You can't help your BS heal if you're stuck in a shame spiral.

Feel the guilkt and shame, then let it go and do something to make yourself the kind of person who doesn't need to feel guilt and shame.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Thanks longroadhome, I agree with that. I also like the idea of using my guilt and shame short-term as motivators in my IC and MC in order become the type of spouse my BS deserves and could love again...


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

my question is, are there waywards out there who have felt this way, but later on ended up cheating again anyway? and if you dont mind telling your stories, what are the reason(s) why you think you ended up reverting to infidelity again?

No, i know i will never cheat again ever.

That said - it doesn't mean that I see the slippery slope every single time before I start down it. It means that when I DO notice, i immediately change course and correct my behavior and learn from it.

I am almost 6 year's out - and we have gone through some serious shit - so I feel very strongly that I am never going to cheat under any circumstance of stress or neglect.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1757 | Registered: Sep 2012
MairISaoirse
Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Waywards that are overwhelmed with guilt and shame

Be careful with this. Guilt and shame have their place and serve their purpose in a healthy person, but becoming overwhelmed by them simply makes them another bad coping mechanism

I think we may have different ideas about the word "overwhelmed", but here is my take on that

there was a night a couple of weeks after D-Day where i would call myself overwhelmed with the shame, when BF told me how he outed me to everyone of his facebook friends. I was supposed to go to a little Christmas party that my friends were having but i was so ashamed, I felt that i couldn't even leave my room, let alone leave my house and go to a party that had several people who knew there. I was so full of despair, i laid on my bedroom floor and sobbed for an hour before BF came and picked me up off the floor.

I believe i needed that low point, in order to move forward. BF said something along the lines that maybe i needed to break so completely, in order to put the pieces back together the right way, the stronger way. I think maybe sometimes we need to feel overwhelmed, in order to really see what needs to be accomplished. i believe its how you handle it, you can dwell or you can do something about it.


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

think we may have different ideas about the word "overwhelmed"

Nope, that was pretty much what I expected and experienced as well. Just trying to warn you not to get stuck there. You're still really close to dday, so it doesn't surprise me that you have those moments now, and you should. Just try not to get stuck.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Herkemeyer
Member
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

t/j,
daisy,
I refuse to be any part of why my WW made the decisions she did. If you don't like the marriage, get out. Wanna get some strange, get out. It is that easy.
end t/j

As to whether it will happen again, who knows. But the possibility is much higher than for someone who hasn't had an A. Remorseful or not it is now a historical possibility.


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

But it is still wrong to neglect your spouse, no matter how you want to slice it.

It is still wrong to cheat on your spouse, no matter how you slice THAT either.

In my case, my husband already threw me away. My selfish and stupid self did not take the high road and get to divorce court when he did. Instead I decided to cheat. Stupid and selfish.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

t/j,
daisy,
I refuse to be any part of why my WW made the decisions she did. If you don't like the marriage, get out. Wanna get some strange, get out. It is that easy.
end t/j
As to whether it will happen again, who knows. But the possibility is much higher than for someone who hasn't had an A. Remorseful or not it is now a historical possibility.

Herk -

While to you this is very easy to understand - obviously to WS's it's not that simple. And only a WS can understand that while it SHOULD be that cut and dry, its not until we face our issues, our brokenness, and accept that what we did was actually a choice and not something that we were pushed into.

I don't know the statistics, but i would imagine that they are much much lower in WS's that are remorseful, go to IC and MC, are fully transparent, ect. Doing the work to gain the trust back.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1757 | Registered: Sep 2012
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

Nothing is easy.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 12:36 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

My story is similar to Mrs Panda's. I've either cheated or had a "fallback plan" (bad boundaries/knowing the man was a "future possibility") in every relationship I've ever had (until the one after my divorce).

Before I was M to XH, I had a one-day text message EA with the AP. XH found out and he almost called off the marriage. In retrospect, he should have. It might have woken me the fuck up. Unfortunately, we rugswept it. I made all the usual promises & apologies, boo-hooed and swore it'd never happen again, yada yada. I believed myself at the time. But I didn't do a damn thing to change the years and years of the bad attitudes and behavior: the entitlement; thinking I could do whatever I wanted because I don't answer to anyone, the selfishness; always putting myself and my wants above anyone else's, and the immorality. Two years later, I had a full-blown 5 month EA/PA with the same AP, my ex that I couldn't let go of. It cost me my marriage and more.

I didn't change until I was forced to. But once I was forced to, I wanted to.

I don't say "never again" because I don't say "never" anymore. I don't believe in making promises anymore. I'd like to, but I feel I've lost that right. My past has ruined it. But I have the tools now to prevent it, and I know how to use them.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 1:44 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2204 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
herongirl
New Member
Member # 40398
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

As a BS, I find statements like "once a cheater, always a cheater" not only disrespectful of the many FWS here who have done the work to figure out their whys & correct them, but also to those of us who are trying to reconcile.
Because of negative generalizations like this, I don't really like opening up in the General forum much anymore. It's like being told we are saps for even trying.
I agree with Undefinabl3, that with a truly remorseful wayward, who has done the work, the probability of cheating again is probably lower than the general population. JMHO though.
I spend a lot of time in the Wayward forum, & have so much respect for the people there who are genuinely trying to understand their crappy choices & change their lives & marriages for the better. It gives me hope.
If there was truly no chance of real, lasting change, there would be no point in SI existing, especially the Reconciliation forum. I, for one, just don't believe that's true. Maybe that makes me naive as well....


Me- BS
D-day 1/21/13
Trying to reconcile

I can't make you happy, unless I am (Ziggy Marley-True to Myself)


Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2013
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 4th (Saturday)

Not an excuse but a reason. And I know I will get jumped on for blaming my DH. I really don''t. I know I could have chosen differently and should have. But the breakdown of the entire marriage is not entirely due to my A. It has been going on for years.
I think that one of the reasons we BSs tend to get all skittish on this subject is that for a great many of us, our WSs spent some time before the affair tearing us (and the depth of our love), down in their own mind, and in the eyes of the AP and others publicly. Marital history re-writing and what not. This is obviously going to vary wildly on a case-by-case basis.

I think the whole ''Why'' concept become a lot less blame-shifty when you remove the other person from the equation and question asking process and re-frame it as the self-destructive act it was...as in, not "How could I do this to my spouse...", but more along the lines of "How could I do this to myself...?"...I think when the question is asked that way, you''re much less likely to come up with an answer that involves your husband''s actions.

I mean, if you ask yourself "How could I do this to myself...?" and the answer is still, "Because my husband neglected me...", then I think you''d have to start asking yourself why you''re letting someone else''s poor choices affect your own decision-making process.

Just a thought. YMMV.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, January 4th (Saturday)

And a good thought too. thanks

Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Steppenwolf
Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

If your focus is on what you will or will not do, it may be hard to see what you are doing.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 6th (Monday)

This shit cracks me up. We are all human beings, dammit. We are going to fuck up, make mistakes, make bad choices, do stupid shit, hurt ourselves, hurt others, etc. Being a FWS just puts a target on our backs - a big bright red target with blinking lights, that's all.

I know this much - I'd trust a FWS who has done the work more than I'd trust a BS who hasn't.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5938 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, January 6th (Monday)

I know this much - I'd trust a FWS who has done the work more than I'd trust a BS who hasn't.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Aug 2012
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 6th (Monday)

I think for me my first affair I walked away from. I realized I was being crazy and it was NOT what I wanted. I wanted my husband. What I didn't do was figure out what my issue was. I just new I felt like shit, It made me better and was exciting and then it made me feel worse and worse and I couldn't keep going. But I buried it. I didn't look. I made it disappear to the point even today I have problem pulling out of my mind where and whens. It was too much. BUT!!!! the problem with this is I knew I did it, and it would come and grab me at the most inappropriate time and make my depression even deeper.
This depression I know, I have based on the shame I carried from childhood, now amplified by my affair, to the point there was no life left to me.
I allowed myself to be used by the AP( I say this cause of things I have learnt about the sickness of the ap) because in the moment I felt something other than nothingness.

Would I have said I would cheat again after the first time NO. However to try and do this without dealing with my issues my self esteem and realizing my boundaries for my myself and others suck, and that I am really fricking niave in believing people have my best interest. I would probably end up here again.

This has to be done for ourselves, we cheat on ourselves as much as we do our BS. And I really am at a point I'm not sure if the hurt and damage is more or less for the BS or WS . I really don't think there comparable. They come with their unique set of feelings.

Sorry for that long winded answer. I believe I have to keep working at it. ANd yes I too believe that someone that has worked and working on their crap is safer than someone who isn't or can't see it.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
RegretfulHusband
Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

my question is, are there waywards out there who have felt this way, but later on ended up cheating again anyway? and if you dont mind telling your stories, what are the reason(s) why you think you ended up reverting to infidelity again?

My first affair was almost 7 or 8 years ago while dating and living together but not married. Buried it and never told.

Second affair 1.5 years ago. Confessed a few days after which led to panic attacks over previous incidents. Other topics not going all the way to cheating have occurred as well, wife knows everything I do at this point and is ok with it, because she says she believes I have had my wake up moment.

I DO believe people can change, but it takes something happening I can't put my finger on, to make it stick.

When things happened before I felt guilt, but not enough to stop or confess. This time is different.

I am truly realizing what I could have lost (which is selfish but true) and I just feel different than before.

I cannot lie to my wife or others anymore. Not even the littlest white lies like "I took this route from work" when in reality I took another one.

Sex is not as important or present in my mind as a result of all this. In fact, all the anxiety has led to severe performance issues that have led to medical intervention at 33 years old.

In short, I think it's different for everyone. It takes realizing what you can lose, and how selfish a person you've been.

But, after going through what I have, I do truly believe that we can change.

I, for one, WILL NOT cheat again. I do not look at women anymore like that and every time I think "wow that woman is attractive" another thought follows saying "but she isn't the mother of your children. She doesn't have the smile your wife had on our wedding day. She doesn't know everything about you and accept you for who you are , not who you could be.

Thinking good thoughts for you and your family.

EDIT: forgot to mention in my rant - I am still pursuing the real, deep "why" for the infidelity.

For the first, I think it was because I needed a "kick" to get me to the next step. I came home and once I selfishly buried my guilt, I knew instantly that she was the one.

The second, I think, was because I felt unwanted and undervalued by my wide. She was sleeping CONSTANTLY, I was doing all washing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, watching our two kids, PLUS working full time. One night I just snapped. I went to a strip club meaning to enjoy myself, but never intended for what happened to happen. It just did. I was drunk and stupid and selfish, but i am still digging to find the real "why".

But like I said, I think it's different for all.

I hope this helps. I know you're hurting, even if it's a different hurt than mine, and I am sorry for what you're going through.

Hugs and hope to you.

[This message edited by RegretfulHusband at 9:48 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 36