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User Topic: The Danger of Affairs
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

While I was involved in my A there were many things I never thought about; my BH' s feelings,our families,how it would affect our DD, the list goes on and on.

Another thing I never thought about is the physical danger I could have potentially put myself and my family in....there are so many stories in the media about affairs that end in murder....children who grow up without parents, lives that are forever changed because two people selfishly decided to enter into a "relationship".

This is mind blowing to me...My DD could grow up without her mother because I made a very bad, very selfish choice?!

My xAP didn't stalk me or anything, but how did I know he wouldn't? How did I know that after confronting her, his BW would come to my home and kill me?? I didn't....That's horrifying.

This may seem ridiculous but has anyone else thought of this? How lucky we are that this kind of thing didn't happen? That we won't be on the next episode of date line?

This may seem random but I have been thinking about this because of all the posts I have read about OW(OM) stalking the family members of their AP's, and all the other stories.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I wish people would think of this. Not only that, but STD's as well. I got lucky, my husbands LTA is from a country where hepatitis is a higher risk. He didn't even think to wear a condom. Thankfully I only got yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis. Many are not that lucky though.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Your post isn't random at all. My stbxww did have the OM's BW actively stalking her prior to me even finding out about the A. She confronted her at her job more than once. The only reason I found out about the A was the BW confronted my stbxww coming out of her WH's apartment. The police were called and my ww figured I would find out when the police did a follow up.

After Dday prior to me filing we had to put an alarm system in and also got concealed weapons permits. My stbxww to this day still gets flowers on her birthday from the other BW with a note on it that is usually something to the effect of "when will you learn your lesson, do I need to tell 7yrsflushed about what you are doing, etc." Doesn't matter that I knew over 2 years ago now, doesn't matter that we are getting a D, doesn't matter that my stbxww has moved out into her own house, the BW still calls her and send flowers or at least she did last year.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:51 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1803 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Oh, and I did confront on AP at their job. She was afraid I was going to hit her. I didn't.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
TheThreeYearFool
Member
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Not to be grim, but several years ago an A at my workplace ended in murder. A WW extended her business trip to meet up with her AP and her BH who had long standing psychological problems found out...

Now the WW is dead, the BH's in jail, nobody here at work can look at AP the same way again, and worst of all children are now motherless.

(Edited to make the details more vague)

[This message edited by TheThreeYearFool at 3:46 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 148 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

One of the first things our MC said to us was:

"This is the sort of thing people are murdered over."

I get it. Had I not been pregnant, I fear what my reaction might have been. And Samantha's right. The risk of STDs alone is staggering.

This is one of the repeat issues I can't wrap my head around. I constantly ask my H variations of the same question..."what were you thinking??!!"


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 486 | Registered: Dec 2012
NoGoodUsername
Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

There was a moderately high profile case in Pittsburgh this last year where a university professor was murdered over an EA and possible PA by her chemist husband. Cyanide poisoning is an awfully high price to pay for infidelity.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 207 | Registered: Aug 2013
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

It amazes me and scares me how blind I was to all these dangers during the A. The high really is a drug to make it so easy to just IGNORE what to any rational person are some serious and deadly risks being taken.

Without the fog I find myself constantly asking "what the hell were you thinking?!?!"

The danger is real and should never be forgotten.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Not to mention…suicide of one of the people involved with the triangulated relationship. AP, BS, WS.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

My XH talked about physically confronting the AP after D-day. At the time I didn't take it seriously because of the size difference, but looking back, who's to say XH was talking about a fistfight?? He also did several scary and threatening Google searches for around a month afterward.

We have no kids to consider. I think the only thing that stopped him was potential prison time.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

The OW in our situation stalked me. One day, I saw a car parked right outside my house and I called H and described the car and her. He told me to close the curtains. I didn't know about her, at the time, but I was TERRIFIED once I put it all together. I became invisible- I mean, you would NOT have been able to find me until a few days ago. I had to become visible again for a job and it wasn't easy. I didn't realize I had become THAT invisible, but I had.

Posts: 11378 | Registered: Mar 2008
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

All I know is there's all kinds of crazy in this world. And there's no way of knowing when you're going to come across it.

I hear tell in various parts of the world you can get killed, simply by cutting someone off in traffic, going to school, praying in your choice of church, having a different skin colour, being from a different tribe, being born on the wrong side of a line on a map..................the list is endless.

Just a little perspective.YMMV.


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.



Posts: 350 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I hear tell in various parts of the world you can get killed, simply by cutting someone off in traffic, going to school, praying in your choice of church, having a different skin colour, being from a different tribe, being born on the wrong side of a line on a map..................the list is endless.
Alyssa isn't talking about how fragile/dangerous life is as a whole. She is speaking specifically of the dangers of an affair. Clumping an affair in with other things in life smacks of minimizing. "She f*cked a dude, her husband found out, the husband killed them both and commit suicide. Welp, just another day in the life of Earth. Carry on."

JMHO.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Kap12
Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I agree I have thought about this a lot. I know for me I was being selfish and didn't think of the consequences of my actions until I was caught. Thinking back I did a lot of things that I am not proud of and will pay the price for the rest of my life.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)


..it reminds me of the same kind of reckless, selfish and entitled thinking that occurs when a person gets behind the wheel drunk, never considering the life altering, life ending consequences. Shattered families and friends.. sorrow and grief all around..

..too many similarities

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Clumping an affair in with other things in life smacks of minimizing.

Fair enough Aubrie.

Try this one on for size.

'I murdered my wife because she cheated on me.'

Ah, must have been the wife's fault.
Blame shifting?

I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS's shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don't think the crazy actions of other people is one.

JMHO.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:35 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.



Posts: 350 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Thanks for all the responses....glad to know I am not the only one who thinks about these things.

Like heartbroken said, my BH really wanted to "confront" my XAP after DDAY and considered looking up his address a couple of times, and he is not normally an aggressive or violent man.

It just blows my mind that these types of situations do happen,and it could be anyone who does it.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS's shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don't think the crazy actions of other people is one them.
"Technically" no. However, had the WS not cheated in the first place, they wouldn't have brought potential danger into the marriage. They are still in a way responsible, thru their own stupidity and series of choices, for bringing in diseases, stalkers, bunny boilers, and sometimes murderers. Can they control the stalkers, BB's, or killers? No. But their crap actions brought it into their family's lives. So in a way, they are responsible. Their crap actions brought terrible consequences into their relationships and family member's lives.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

''I murdered my wife because she cheated on me.''
Ah, must have been the wife''s fault.
Blame shifting?
I think you can rightly lay a lot of blame on we WS''s shoulders for the devastation we cause, I just don''t think the crazy actions of other people is one them.

Agreed. And I don''t think that is the point of Alyssa''s thread. Alyssa isn''t saying that those kind of acts are justified. The point is that having an A is risky behavior and involves people who are broken. There are plenty of stories of that brokenness, that instability leading to those kind of violent acts.
There was a story some years ago that made national news. The OW killed the BW. The WH had no idea the OW was going to do that. He was not legally guilty of the crime. How guilty do you imagine he felt though? You don''t have to know or intend for something bad to happen for your actions to have just that result. Alyssa''s point (as I see it) was that she was involved in an unhealthy relationship (an A) with an unhealthy person (AP) who wanted to be involved with her for unhealthy reasons. So what if there was even more disastrous fallout from the A? What if the OM got possessive and began stalking her? That has happened to members of SI where the AP stalked the BS and WS.

Alyssa,
I think it shows how far you''ve come and how you''ve changed that you have considered these things. You see not only the hurt that has been caused but what all the risks could have been. I would just caution you to not dwell on that. Let your BH know you see those things now and you''re sorry for that.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3644 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Ok... ^^^ What Brandon said. Cause it's exactly what I was thinking but couldn't say right.

(((Alyssa)))
It's frightening to look back and think this stuff over isn't it?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

So in a way, they are responsible. Their crap actions brought terrible consequences into their relationships and family member's lives.

Fair point.

I'll counter with.

'But I was in an abusive marriage, he called me horrible names all the time, went out till all hours, never told me where he was, came home drunk every night, spent the grocery money gambling, so I cheated'

Gee, obviously her husband bears some responibility for her cheating wouldn't you say, because he was a terrible person?

By the way, thank you for this chance for a bit of back and forth debate, I rarely get the opportunity.

ETA:

He was not legally guilty of the crime. How guilty do you imagine he felt though?

Brandon, excellent point. That's got me thinking.


[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.



Posts: 350 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I have been thinking of this too but in the effects of ohhhh noo another affair destroys another family etc...when I first found out about OW I wanted to murder her. Not really--but in my mind I wish I could and it was a fantasy. But many people take the fantasy to reality.

I also know of a local situation where one man murdered people at his wife's job just shooting everyone in there. She was having an affair. This past July, a friend found out her H was having an affair and she put her head in an oven and killed herself. fact is--affairs end in some sort of death statistically.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

It is one of the top reasons for murder.

Remember that female astronaut (she was married and in A with another astronaut) who she thought was cheating on her and became jealous.

She drove across the country in diapers (so she didn't have to stop) to confront the OW and she had stuff like rope and duct tape, etc in her car.

She publicly humiliated herself and her BS and family, lost her career, and who knows what the heck she was going to do to that OW.

And who can forget about that BS (a dentist I think) who ran over and over and over her WS with her car.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 565 | Registered: Mar 2003
ionlytalkedtoher
Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 1:56 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
NoGoodUsername
Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

SlowUptake,

I offer you the thought that something can be a significant contributing factor to a situation without it being a matter of 1:1 causation.

There is very little in the realm of human interaction where we can say if X then Y. But there is very much that we can say if X then the chances of Y are greater, particularly in the presence of this list of other factors as well. There are good reasons why the mathematics of social science are statistics.

Likewise, just because someone's actions do not generate a direct causal chain on someone else's behavior, it does not absolve them of having any influence on the outcome. Thinking in terms of someone being fully responsible at all or not responsible at all disregards the true complexity of the situation.

Cheating on, lying to and betraying your partner does not guarantee that they will perform a violent act, but it does increase the chances that this will happen if combined with the correct other factors.
To use an analogy, we may not have put the straw on that broke the camel's back, but throwing that fifty pound bag of excrement in the load sure didn't help matters.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 207 | Registered: Aug 2013
gotmylifeback
Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

We had hired the AP and his company to do some work for us. When I found out about the affair I went to the main office to confront the AP and the company. He was not in the office so I advised the company of his actions and that I was not happy with their fulfillment of their contract. Heck, I caught his disease and had to take time off of work. I was professional in my approach but apparently I scared the shit out of AP. Of course, ex wife probably had painted me out to be some horrible monster of a husband. So, he probably had no idea what to expect from me. He still hid himself when I still had to follow up with the company regarding their work. Here is a man twice my size who will continue to be in fear of me even though I wouldn't lay a hand on him.

Just recently I was working with a husband, wife, and their child with autism. A few weeks after meeting with them, the mother called to tell me that the husband was in jail as he became violent toward her. Turns out this guy had ties to the mafia (the wife was clueless). Apparently he was married once before and had spent time in jail. According to the DA, he pulled a knife and threatened his wife because he suspected that she was having an affair (not sure if she was or not). So, even though he is in jail, his current wife (the one I have met) and her autistic son are still being threatened. Turns out his past crimes have included "threats to national security." The wife now has a new identity.

Heck, I apparently didn't even know what kind of a person I was married to (found out a lot more about her after the divorce from her family). So, sometimes you just never know people; especially in an affair situation. And, you never know how people will react. The last thing I want is some pissed of husband who wants to beat the crap out of me.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 596 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Think I just had an Aha! moment.

Blame versus Responsibility.

Sublte difference, but still different.

'Obviously well heeled man, late at night, walks through a commonly known high crime rate neighbourhood,
gets mugged'

Mugger is to blame 100%.

Well heeled man bears some responsibility.
He is an adult with a brain, who put himself in a dangerous situation, when there were lots of other safer options.

Not the best analogy, but the best I could come up with.

What say you?

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 11:23 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.



Posts: 350 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I don't think my fWH has ever gotten the point of recognizing the danger he put me or our children in. EVER! Even 6 years later with her stalking he wants to know why I can't just ignore her and move on.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3954 | Registered: Aug 2007
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

But then do we apply the logic to this scenario.

'Attractive young woman, dressed to kill, in bar alone, drinks a little too much, makes out with guy in bar, goes back to his place, he wants sex, she doesn't want to, he rapes her'

Blame 100% his.
Some responsibility for putting herself in a dangerous situation?

I know what the PC answer is.

Your views.


ETA:
My very strong unwaivering view is any concept of 'victim responsibility' should not form any part of criminal proceedings in such a scenario or any other for that matter.

It pisses me off no end that scum sucking defense lawyers use this unethical tactic.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 11:35 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.



Posts: 350 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Since we're sharing anecdotes... how about the astronaut in diapers?

Also, it doesn't have to be murder. How about general Petraeus? He lost his job.

Now my personal opinion. I'm a really easy going guy. Even after D day I never hit my W or called her names. I was just sad and angry. But I never felt anger (and sadness) like that in my life.
The OP was lucky to be in another continent. My FWW couldn't believe the hate I was having. It was like I was another person.

Finally, we never really know our SOs. They can cheat and blindside us. I'm assuming some may kill themselves or others and we would never know until it's too late. I bet many of those killed never thought their SO would one day kill them.


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
NoGoodUsername
Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

In this conversation, I'm interested in neither responsibility nor blame. I'm talking about causation. What factors come together to make certain outcomes more or less likely? Looking at things from that perspective gets us closer to the 'whys' that we talk about so frequently in this forum. Responsibility and blame are useful when you are looking to punish someone but if you want to look at fixing problems, understanding and altering the causation is the practical means of changing outcomes.

We have real problems in these conversations because we are so bad at separating the need to assign blame from the need to identify and fix the things that are broken.

[This message edited by NoGoodUsername at 2:37 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 207 | Registered: Aug 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

I think it's very interesting that this has evolved into a debate about blame/responsibility. It's definitely interesting to think about.

I can't imagine that any WS has entered into an A hoping that it would end up in death,murder,suicide,or wearing diapers while driving cross country.

But the fact is that many of these stories we hear about may not have happened if a WS had not begun a relationship with someone they had no business getting involved with.

We never know how another person is going to react in such a difficult situation...even if it is someone we have been married to for many years.

It's just a very scary thought that one person's actions can cause such tragedies...


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

We had a high profile case in my neck of the woods about 5 years ago. A guy who was high up in city government caught his wife with another man, shot them both dead, lead police on a high speed chase into a city in another state, before committing suicide in a parking lot once he was surrounded. There was nothing in his background to indicate that he would behave that way. One affair, three dead people. The love triangle turned into a death triangle.

Alyssa makes a good point, these things can go very wrong. As a BS, I can tell you that the pain from discovery was way more intense that I ever could have imagined. Life-altering, earth-shattering. I never wanted to hurt my wife in any way but I did have some fantasies about making the OM's life a living hell.

BTW, I found out not too long ago that he threatened me in an email to my wife. He was jealous, and I suspect that my wife talked a lot of crap about me to justify her bad behavior. It's scary to think that a man I didn't even know existed before D Day could have come after me in a jealous rage, and even feel righteous doing so.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1312 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Daisy1967
Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

It gives me chills to think of the risks I took.

Never ever ever ever ever again. Ever.

As far as the astronaut. She made me sick and people actually took up for her. I am so glad she lost her job. Never found out if she lost her Navy Retirement, but IMHO she should have lost that too. I was living in FL when that all went down. I don't feel she should be punished for cheating, because her husband dumped her like a bad habit. I think she should be punished for attempting to murder another person. Nut job.


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

If I heard my FWH say "I'm so sorry. I had no idea she was like this" once, I heard it 1000 times. She did stalk him and remained determined to resume their affair until we sought legal intervention.

It's not fun knowing there's some nut job out there who, almost two years later, blames me for coming between her and her lover boy.

There are some crazy people out there. When you play with people's emotions, you're also playing with fire.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 993 | Registered: Mar 2012
Betrayeddaddio
Member
Member # 30198
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 6th (Monday)

I think it is safe to say that affairs bring out the worst in people. Affairs can result in people acting uncharacteristically (WS, BS, and AP alike).

If everyone thought of the pro's and con's of cheating on their spouse (as opposed to working on, or ending the marriage) there would definitely be less affairs....but that's not the case.

I did things I had never done before when I found out about stbxww's affair, I did put my hands on the AP and that was my choice, a poor one, but my choice none the less.

Affairs are dangerous because people can be dangerous.....


BH-42 WW-40 DD-5 DD-9 DD-11
D-Day 09/27/2010 Wayward wife had a 10 month A with married DB co-worker Separated Oct. 2013

Posts: 702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Canada
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 6th (Monday)

This idea hit me hard the other day.

AP is a little delusional, but hopefully harmless. But, the OBS is a depressive (has been hospitalized), and I worry very often about his safety. Also, they both drink, so I am not sure that I will ever feel terribly secure with them in the area.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Gman1
Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 6th (Monday)

My reaction on D-day about my FWW's A brought the most intense pain and emotions that I have ever experienced in my life. While I was extremely upset with her in so many levels, my rage was redirected towards her AP. I felt like I could not take my extreme anger out on her and focused it on the OM. I am quite certain I could have done extreme physical harm to him for several weeks after D-day and conjured up all sorts of ideas for revenge towards him. Fortunately, he lives 2500 miles away but I am not sure what I would have done had he been within driving distance. This sort of thing could easily cause a rational, good person to do the unimaginable.

Posts: 161 | Registered: Oct 2013
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 6th (Monday)

I think there is a huge part of the picture we need to include. For those of us with children, we have NO idea if we've managed to survive this trauma without serious injury. Infidelity affects our children in horrible ways. And for some, it can take decades to rear it's ugly affects on them. The child may repeat the behavior of their wayward parent, once they start dating, then marry. They may contiplate suicide, fall into depression, or feel neglected growing up and turn to dangerous habits.

In the relationship I was in prior to this one, I was with a cop. He cheated. And the OW, after being dumped, would send the children long hand written letters, clothing, and toys. Most were intercepted, but it didn't matter. Scared the hell out of me. What type of woman did this cop bring into our lives? He thought he was such a great judge of character. Silly me learned later, he just was attracted to women like himself. He put his gun in his mouth one time during a fight, and all I could think was, what if he fired it, the bullet went through him, and into me, or through the wall and hit the children. I left soon after.

What keeps me grounded, is how these men I've been with could have hurt my children. At that point, it makes leaving easy.


Me: Done with his bullshit and getting stronger day by day

Posts: 422 | Registered: Jun 2013
Tickingtock
Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 6th (Monday)

I think it's very interesting that this has evolved into a debate about blame/responsibility. It's definitely interesting to think about.

I agree. I think this thread took a turn for the better. The way it started seriously irked me. It came across as made up drama (and I think the need for drama is behind some affairs).

It reminds me of something a friend in high school said to me once:

"Oh my god I was almost pregnant!!!"


Me: 31

Posts: 143 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Concerned  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 6th (Monday)

My BH sent me a link to this thread (I'm on here all the time and had been reading it). Initially I dismissed his fears, and got angry with our MC when she agreed that he was faced with real danger.

For me in fogginess I can't imagine that these people I "respected" and "know" so well could possibly do anything harmful. But, then I remind myself that I have no way of knowing what might be the outcome. I couldn't have predicted my own reactions to discovery, nor my BH's. It's the whole "I knew it would hurt, but I didn't know it would hurt like this" experience.

It's chilling to think about the stories of people who have been given positions of authority and power. The story above of the cop who cheated (for example). It's just... All I can think is this: "Who will watch the watchers?"

* quotations on the words respect and know are to indicate an awareness that I neither respected nor knew these people. Just the "best" version that they felt like showing me.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s
Learning to love myself.
"A successful relationship requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person."
— Mignon McLaughlin

Posts: 361 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Southwest US
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, January 6th (Monday)

While I was involved in my A there were many things I never thought about. BHs feelings,our families,how it would affect our DD

I am a BS and I really do not understand how this happens, this non-thinking. Can someone explain it to me?

And it's not always crazy people who do violent things. Is it temporary insanity? Just something about your spouse fucking someone else that makes otherwise rational people go off the deep end sometimes. For me, it never went past fantasy retribution, but looking back even my imagination was scary! I hate even having been put into a situation that caused me to react with such a violent imagination.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Agony,
Thats exactly the point I was trying to make....that I never stopped to consider how my selfish choices could affect my BH and our DD.

And I agree its not always crazy people....its people reacting to a traumatic situation.

Ticking,
I'm sorry that you found my post to be made up drama and to hear it irked you. I don't think its made up since as we all know these things do happen everyday.....the point of my post was to say I never considered the drama and am lucky my A didn't end in someone being physically hurt.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Alyssamd24, thanks for reply but HOW does it happen that one does NOT STOP to consider the others?

I don't know for how long your affair went on but I really don't understand how one can NOT STOP to consider.

I mean, i really want to know. Because I have left the stove on and burnt pots. I have left the bathtub running for 2 or 3 hours (thanks heaven for good over drainage!) I have totally forgotten things that I was supposed to do, etc. But I cannot imagine not stopping to think about the other people affected.

I'm not being belligerent. I just really want to try to understand HOW this happens, this non-thinking.

I Just can't wrap my head around it.

And I'm not perfect; i just don't get this at all.

Thanks for any illumination.
Cheers.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Agony, I think the term you're looking for is compartmentalization. Basically (as I understand it), a wayward is a husband/wife in the presence of their spouse, and a boyfriend/girlfriend in the presence of the AP, and they convince themselves that one has nothing to do with the other. You wear one hat in one situation, another hat in another situation, and try to keep the two worlds from colliding to the extent possible. The affair life becomes a fantasy/escape from the drudgery of married life that one convinces themselves that they deserve, no one will get hurt, I can juggle these two lives, etc. In many cases it's a maladaptive coping mechanism that has its origins in childhood traumas.

Stopping to consider the consequences of the act is a threat to the fantasy and the daily/weekly/monthly escape it affords. So it doesn't happen, or isn't enough to stop the affair in most cases even if it does happen from time-to-time.

I may be off base and if so our recovering waywards can correct me, but that's how it seems to me from what my wife has told me and from what I've gathered after 9 months on SI.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1312 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

I believe a betrayed spouse can experience temporary insanity and some may act on their homicidal or suicidal thoughts.

I'm a true crime show junkie and so many murders relate to adultery. I strongly believe that cheaters should have to face legal consequences because it is so very dangerous and abusive.

In my case the OW was stalking me during the A when I was unaware of what was going on. Once I saw her pic I recognised she had casually spoken to me in a store. She also visited my home while I was there and watched me outside from the woods. She made comments to my H about what I was doing. And once I knew her car my D and I both remember it parked down road. Very creepy stuff. I was very afraid of what she might do in addition to just going thru the trauma.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:12 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Agony,
That's a very valid point and I agree with you whole heartedly. ...its ridiculous that I never stopped to think of how my actions would affect them.....I guess I did stop to think of how it would affect them, but at that point I was so wrapped up in my A I continued anyways.....it was very fucked up and selfish and I hate to admit it, but that's the truth.

I believe what Sal said is correct, I compartmentalized and separated both parts of my life.....my time with my family as a wife and mother, and my "relationship" with my XAP.

And btw my A was a PA for 3 months and an EA for 9 months.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 729 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks Alyssamd24 and Sal. My stbx-asshole's was much longer and I'm not hearing anything even close to the sort of understanding you are seeking. To to his compartmentalization, I can probably add "it want what I want when I want it." Ie selfish ass. So there are degrees of "sin". And amends or lack thereof.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)

few points.

I worked for a private investigator back in 2000, pre marriage.

We had a case involving infidelity (more than half the cases in the office).

Our client was a BW and we were investigating her WH.

One of the investigators was going to bring an envelope of evidence to the OW's BH. The morning he went? Dozen's of police and ambulances in front of the OW and OWBH home.

Why? OWBH killed her, then shot himself because he'd found out about the affair on his own.

They left behind two young teen girls.

Secondly, my WH was the king of compartmentalization. And? He thought, if I never found out, I wouldn't get hurt. He lived two complete separate lives. They never crossed paths. He never intended for me to find out, ergo he never thought how it would affect me, our children or our marriage because he didn't intend for me to find out.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
watersofavalon
Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)

That is the reason I didn't expose the affair to OWs BH. He is a genuinely scary man - been in prison for GBH, according to OW he ia abusive and controlling (which begs the question why she married him after living with him for 3 years but hey ho....). I like to think I was concerned her her safety but the probably truth was I was concerned for mine and my children. We live less than a mile from their house and I could just see him turning up on our doorstep shouting the odds. I mentioed this to H not long after dday and he just sneered and said he could handle him. Arrogant twat! What about the rest of his family?


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)

watersofavalon...

This thread is not for BS's to vent on, please post accordingly.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196242 | Registered: May 2002
watersofavalon
Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Sorry if I broke the rules. Wasn't meant to be a vent, just my experience and opinion on the topic.


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
sad34
Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

My wh's ow was stalking us. She found out my name, was online stalking me, had people driving past our house. Even said she was going to get a job In our town.
She found Out where I worked. That's where she called me.
Wh still says to this day that she would not have harmed me or our kids. But u never know! Most people don't think that or they wouldn't have had the affair. Good thread.


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 53