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User Topic: Why was it so easy to lie?
1bigidiot79
Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

There is a thread on the General forum talking about which hurts the most, the sex or the lies? This got me to thinking...I have come up with a lot of things I need to change in my life and have taken a long look at why I did what I did but I cannot for the life of me understand why lying to my BS was so easy.

As many BS's feel that the lying and deception is worse than what we WS's actually did, my BS feels the same way and it is her single biggest obstacle as to why she feels she cannot move forward towards R.

Therefore, I am doing some soul searching and I've got nothing. Sure I could say it was just more lies to cover up the first one and once the cover up was on it was keep it secret at all costs. But that's no excuse. What I find troubling, as I'm sure my BS does, is how it was so easy. How could I look at her with a straight, convincing face knowing that if she knew the truth it would be so very painful.

On the surface I know that I lied to keep her from that pain and that I lied to protect myself and the stupid persona I had created. Lying because I was selfish and didn't want to face the consequences of my actions. But like I said I think all those things are on the surface.

It still doesn't answer the question, why was it so easy? I do not have an answer for that. Knowing I could do that to someone I love more than anything or anyone scares the shit out of me. Am I really that callous. Really that mean. Why did I even think it was an option?

Has anyone come up with an answer for this? Struggling with coming to terms with the person I didn't know I was.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Kap12
Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

I can 100% agree with you. I know in my situation it was the continuous lying that has put my marriage in jeopardy. Don't get me wrong me having a PA isn't ok but it is not as bad as the lying and deception. I ask myself daily hourly why was it so easy to lie to the man I love. I still don't have the answer and I am hoping with time and lots of counseling I will not only save my marriage but also gain the trust back from my husband.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

My FWH was taught at a young age to lie. Trained by his dear mother. To keep peace in the house and to not "poke the bear" (his father, a very angry man) and his anger, everyone was taught about "conflict avoidance" which included, of course, lies, lies and more lies.

Have you looked at your FoO for some answers as to why lying comes so easily to you?

eta: to fix sentence

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:12 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9655 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
1bigidiot79
Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

Have you looked at your FoO for some answers as to why lying comes so easily to you?
Yes. My childhood wasn't perfect but by most peoples standards I was raised in a very loving, nurturing home and don't really have a lot to report. My mother was very demanding of me to toe the line so to speak but not to an unhealthy extent. I do think that there was a part of me that wanted to keep things hidden from her because I feared her somewhat. But again, this was not anything extreme. I do think some of that might have carried over into my marriage as I cannot stand the thought of disappointing my BS.

I think my BS is still in shock that I could so easily deceive her and lie directly to her face. I don't understand what was inside of me that said it was OK. I knew it is wrong and that it was cause pain and I did it anyway. Struggling with that. What's the difference between saying no to shooting someone in the head and saying no to lying? I mean I don't even have to think about not shooting someone in the head but not only did I think about lying to my BS's face, I made the jump from thinking about it to doing it. And with ease. I hate myself for that. It's the biggest regret I have in my entire life.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

My BW says the same about the lying, that it was worse than the actual A. You realize trust is the basis for everything and we throw it away so quickly with the lies...

1bigidiot79, If I can ask, if after 6 months your BS still can't move forward with R, what status are you in? Are you separated? I'm curious what form of limbo you're in? (asks one WS in limbo to another..)


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
confused43
Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

I'm wondering this same thing as well. My BH does not know about my affair and I'm so very worried to tell him because the lies were so easy for me and he bought them all.

My lies involve making up friends that I was supposedly with for overnights and vacations when I was really with the AP. That to me will be the nail in the coffin if I confess. I was constantly on the go with "friends" and he never questioned it. My daughter was the one that would give me the third degree and it drove me nuts. but my BH never questioned anything making it so much easier for me.

I have always been a good liar I guess you could say. I would use fake ID with confidence when I wasn't legal age. I always say if you have confidence about your lie then people will believe you. I don't think I've ever really lied about other things in my life, at least not major lies, but of course this is the biggest lie I will ever have and not sure how to get over the fact that I did this and try to move on.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
1bigidiot79
Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

1bigidiot79, If I can ask, if after 6 months your BS still can't move forward with R, what status are you in? Are you separated? I'm curious what form of limbo you're in? (asks one WS in limbo to another..)
For now things are in kind of a holding pattern. I think my BS is in protection mode and just waiting to see if the things I am telling her are for real or just me blowing smoke. I think she wants to love me again but just cannot get past the trust issue and the thought of being this hurt again down the road. So right now I am just thankful that I am in the house (albeit in separate bedrooms)and have the opportunity to prove myself to her everyday. I'd be lying if I said it was easy. In fact, the hardest part is being so close in proximity to her yet so far away from her in relationship.

Things are moving at a glacial pace but at this point I'm just glad they are moving. One baby step at a time. I keep telling myself if things work out between us it will have been better to go this slow so that everything gets dealt with rather than going too fast and not dealing with everything appropriately.

I have made progress in regards to not lying to her now or in the future. For example, even the smallest of things make me stop and think to tell her the entire story. And not even necessarily bad things. Just being totally forthcoming in everything. I didn't realize just how much information I had been withholding from her.

But the question still remains and haunts me. How am I supposed to explain to my BS why I was able to deceive her so easily and without concern? I don't know and I hope some others who have been through this can tell of their experiences because I'm at a loss.

[This message edited by 1bigidiot79 at 2:44 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

it wasn't. I told him within three weeks. I lay on the couch every night and cried. Then, I didn't tell him the truth about everything, I lied by omission that it wasn't physical. I started drinking. a lot. I almost committed suicide.

Yet, I still did it. and then unloaded the burden to him. ugh. Proof that you really need to know yourself. You really need to clarify values. I just floated through life existing. Not good.. and look how many people I dragged down in the process.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4926 | Registered: Dec 2010
scream
Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

Intresting post. I have spent a long time on this subject. By myself,IC and with my wife. I have come up with any hard core why's. For me it became like breathing. Just something I did. Had it been a money maker I would be a billionare. But the cost of those lies almost cost me my family. Was it easy to lie yes. Is it easy to really know why? Not sure. I go back to my childhood....I lied to get what I wanted and to not get in trouble. Is it just something that easy to learn, get good at and just keep doing?

Posts: 289 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, January 3rd (Friday)

I'll have to say that it was never part of my repertoire before the affair. Just wasn't part of me, which is pretty concerning considering affairs are all about lying.
It was part of hubby's life though and I saw the red flags- cheating on exams, taking proprietary info from jobs and saying everybody does it. I'm an idiot.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4926 | Registered: Dec 2010
Scorpio2310
Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, January 4th (Saturday)

My BSO even gave me a chance to be honest... I still chose to lie. I believe that my problem lies with my desire to please everyone and control issues. When I was a kid I hid notes from the teachers and lied to my parents because I did not want to upset them. I would hide things from the women in all my relationships because I was afraid that the truth would turn them away from me.

I chose to withhold the truth from them. I had the power because I held the truth. Even when given the option to tell the truth I decided to lie. I took away their choice in the matter. I made up their minds for them.

I thought and said that this relationship, with my BSO, would be different. I told her and myself that I would always be honest with her, but when it came to crunch time I still took to my old ways and lied to her.

I am working on correcting this habit now. It is difficult because every time I am honest with her and she doesn't like the truth I think about how it would have been easier to lie to her. The good thing is that I don't because I stop at the crossroads of truth and lies and tell myself that in the long run the lies will hurt her even more.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
1bigidiot79
Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Thanks Scorpio, I can very much relate to your story and have employed these tactics in my own life. In the search for answers to why I could lie so easily this is the one thing that kind of makes sense. It still shouldn't have made it so easy.

I think to try and come up with one reason is not seeing the big picture. I have come to the conclusion that a lot of different factors contributed to my ability to deceive my BS without seeing past the moment and thinking about what the implications of what I was doing would do to her.

-trying to protect her
-trying to not upset her
-trying to avoid the pain of the truth
-trying to keep the peace
-habit from childhood to keep out of trouble
-trying to keep the persona I had built intact
-one lie leads to another, cover up after cover up
-selfishness
-justification that my sins were secret and they were not hurting anyone (sold myself that lie)

These are some of the reasons I think that I came to the place where lying came so easily to me. I like you Scorpio have begun the process of thinking things through before I speak and try to think of why it is better to be completely honest in all aspects of my conversation no matter what. Learning every day.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
fourever
Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Unless I missed it, no one gave any thought to the fact that your spouses loved and trusted so very unconditionally, that you could have told them anything, and they would believe you.

For you to betray that, is the biggest sin of all. I think for many, that is an incredible thing to overcome. It is so shocking and unbelievable to the BS that holds that much love & trust in you, every hour of every day, it's not comprehendible.

That is the true loss of innocence in a marriage. That is what is so crushing and impossible to comprehend, and so hard to repair.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Remone
New Member
Member # 40260
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

For me it was definitely FOO issues. Conflict avoidance learned from my mother very early on. I learned that my feelings and expressions of them were valid. So instead I pushed them way down inside and in doing so became so self centered and selfish. I would say or do anything to avoid conflict and maintain this "nice guy" persona. Unfortunately the lack of honesty with myself allowed the lying to my beautiful wife. Learning to be honest and validate my feelings in a loving way and to not be scared of them is a very scary process.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 13th (Monday)

I have been lying my entire life, to me it was easier to lie than deal with truth, there are lies I've told so many times that they became truths to me and I could no longer tell the difference. I think that it is part of me that is the manipulator, which was also very easy for me to do. I found from a early age that I was able to lie and manipulate many people into doing what I wanted them to do. I manipulated my parents, my sisters, my friends, and teachers. I have fooled many, many people into believing I was an amazing honest and kind person, truth is, the only part of that last sentence that is true is I am a person. It had everything to do with personal gain and my extreme self centred personality, and a total and complete lack of consequences, or attention and care of consequences.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Unless I missed it, no one gave any thought to the fact that your spouses loved and trusted so very unconditionally, that you could have told them anything, and they would believe you.

This is why it was so easy, blind trust.

Lying is a tool for manipulation, for avoiding consequences, a way to be in control.
I found that when I learnt to face consequences and let go of outcomes, the lying stopped.
Maybe you should explore why you want to always be in control of the situation.

ETA:

I think to try and come up with one reason is not seeing the big picture. I have come to the conclusion that a lot of different factors contributed to my ability to deceive my BS without seeing past the moment and thinking about what the implications of what I was doing would do to her.

-trying to protect her
-trying to not upset her
-trying to avoid the pain of the truth
-trying to keep the peace
-habit from childhood to keep out of trouble
-trying to keep the persona I had built intact
-one lie leads to another, cover up after cover up
-selfishness
-justification that my sins were secret and they were not hurting anyone (sold myself that lie)


All of this is about control.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 4:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 13th (Monday)

If you really want to dig into the why, how and the ethics of lying, then check out these sites.

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/

http://lyingandcheating.blogspot.ca/2007/02/typology-of-cheating.html

http://www.bbc.co.uk/ethics/lying/lying_1.shtml

Bluntly put, we lie to protect ourselves. We can lie by omission, we can lie by commission. We tell little white lies, we tell big whoppers of lies. Lying isn't uncommon and most everyone who says they never lie just hasn't taken a very clear look at their actions and motivations.

In my own search for the why of my affair, I had a lot of difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I was guilty of lying to myself as often, if not more, than I lied to LF. I had to face up to the truth that I had been guilty of self-delusion for my entire life as it was easier and less hurtful to me than facing my demons head on. Facing yourself in the mirror and seeing a lying cheat was difficult to say the least but there is truth to the saying that the truth will set you free.

HUFI

Unknown Poster - For every lie I told her, I told two to myself.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3265 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
1bigidiot79
Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, January 13th (Monday)

In my own search for the why of my affair, I had a lot of difficulty coming to terms with the fact that I was guilty of lying to myself as often, if not more, than I lied to LF. I had to face up to the truth that I had been guilty of self-delusion for my entire life as it was easier and less hurtful to me than facing my demons head on. Facing yourself in the mirror and seeing a lying cheat was difficult to say the least but there is truth to the saying that the truth will set you free.
You are absolutely right. I was just talking to my IC about this the other day. I never realized just how much I had deceived myself. The old saying that if you say something enough times you begin to accept it as the truth really did play out in my own life. As much as all this hurts, I am glad I took that look in the mirror and my only regret is that I didn't do it a long time ago.

I am still struggling with my original question and the reason for starting this thread. I know why I lied. I still have a hard time comprehending just how easy it became. I am ashamed of that. This is why I think my BS is having such a hard time moving forward as well. She looks at me now and thinks if he can lie to me so easily and convincingly, how am I supposed to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I totally get it and only time and consistency will ever be able to change that.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 13th (Monday)

1bigidiot79 - I know why I lied. I still have a hard time comprehending just how easy it became. I am ashamed of that.

Having negative feelings and thoughts over the extent of my lies (self or external) was a big issue in my healing process too. When guilt or shame struck, I was guilty of internalizing it and was finding myself stuck in the shame spiral. The book, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing was of help at this time.

Part of the healing consisted of looking at why I lied. What was it that I was trying to accomplish with the lie? It was only when I came to understand that my lies were part and parcel of the path chosen by a child trying to cope with trauma that I could see the lies for what they were. Those lies were the mental and emotional structures that supported my internal fantasy. Once I understood that, then I could identify, intercept and refute the negative message and avoid internalizing the guilt. The shame and guilt still sometimes is overwhelming but slowly, I have come to accept that the lies are not the sole definition of who I am.

1bigidiot79 - She looks at me now and thinks if he can lie to me so easily and convincingly, how am I supposed to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I totally get it and only time and consistency will ever be able to change that.

I donít know if your wife will ever trust you completely and at this point of time, I donít know if she does either. Quite often, BSís describe the pre-A marriage with the words of blind trust and most of them describe the post A era as one of trust with verification.

HUFI


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3265 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
remorsefulww
Member
Member # 42029
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I have been lying my entire life, to me it was easier to lie than deal with truth, there are lies I've told so many times that they became truths to me and I could no longer tell the difference. I think that it is part of me that is the manipulator, which was also very easy for me to do. I found from a early age that I was able to lie and manipulate many people into doing what I wanted them to do. I manipulated my parents, my sisters, my friends, and teachers. I have fooled many, many people into believing I was an amazing honest and kind person, truth is, the only part of that last sentence that is true is I am a person. It had everything to do with personal gain and my extreme self centred personality, and a total and complete lack of consequences, or attention and care of consequences.

^^^^^ This

I often ask myself why it was so easy to lie to my BS, to the person I love, to the person who loved me for me. For me it was like second nature from early childhood to get what exactly I wanted and what would benefit me the most, and if others got hurt in the process then oh well.
Through IC I have done a lot of searching to try and find myself and the "whys" I do this. I have grown so much to becoming a better me, spouse, and mother.
The best things that I did was coming here reading posts from both sides, not trickle truth anything, complete transparency, complete honesty(yes, that was hard),putting the whole timeline out on the table. After reading posts here I realized it wasn't about me and what I can suppress or hide to get away with something and not have my BS hurting.
He wanted it ALL and thats what I gave him with no lies. He said "if it doesn't hurt then it's a lie." After it was all out I felt better, he felt better, and it was finally a step towards closing that door and start trying to reconcile.
I buried myself sooo deep with my lies. I lied to cover up what I did, I lied to cover up lies to cover up even more lies and all that did was hurt our relationship even more on top of what I already did.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new york
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 13th (Monday)

For me it was definitely FOO issues. Conflict avoidance learned from my mother very early on. I learned that my feelings and expressions of them were [not] valid. So instead I pushed them way down inside and in doing so became so self centered and selfish. I would say or do anything to avoid conflict and maintain this "nice guy" persona. Unfortunately the lack of honesty with myself allowed the lying to my beautiful wife. Learning to be honest and validate my feelings in a loving way and to not be scared of them is a very scary process.

I could have written this myself. Even 17 months after DDay, my BH is still the victim of TT. The problem I've discovered (and I'm still uncovering) is the depth of the lies I told myself. I truly believed (as we moved into R) what I told my Husband about the Affair was true. He saw through it because what I told him just didn't add up. My purported thoughts and intentions didn't match my actions. It's been extraordinarily unpleasant and difficult for a conflict-avoider such as myself to face the fact that I deliberately chose to have an affair. I held so tightly to the "good girl" facade that I didn't believe I would actually initiate an Affair. "Good girls don't do that." Well, guess what, Neznayou? You are not a good girl, and you did do that. Time to face the music.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 285 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
nick1234
Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

As a BS I can say yes the lies are and betrayal are the worst! My WW had an EA nothing physical that I know of. It seemed very easy for my wife to lie but unfortunately I think she might have a problem with laying expeshally when it comes to getting out of trouble or avoiding conflicts. It like it her first reaction. I confronted her about the EA wgen it was going on and she denied it swore up and down that there was no one else , not that I expected her to admit it. She became suspicious of me at this time to thinking I was having an A. So she went through my phone when I was sleeping and found a picture of me and a female coworker. It wasnt hidden or inappropriate. But anyway she left the text with the pic open on my phone. I asked her why she went through my phone and she said she didn't. I said yes u did! Then she said it came on when she walked by and the picture was open. Which was a lie, when I old her it was a lie she finally confessed to looking
Through it. Even when my oldest sons was out with one of his friend and his friend wasnt were he was supposed to be my wife was talking to his mother and mention where they were she got the kid in trouble. She told me that our son would be mad and she was going to tell him that it wasnt her. Wtf that is so wrong I told her that was wrong and why would she lie about that.
Anyway the point of this long post is maybe for some people lying is a defense mechanism to avoid conflict. Or a way to not have to deal with your actions. I dont I can't relate I an to honest almost to a fault it get me in trouble sometime. I dont know if this helps any of u or pertains to any of u.
I know this is someone else's post but any input is appreciated.



Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, January 17th (Friday)

When I have lied, it has been to avoid consequences. Why avoid consequences? Because the consequences I wanted to avoid were painful (being yelled at, losing approval, in some cases physical harm, etc). I lied to avoid/escape pain. My goal needed to be to avoid doing things in the first place that came with those consequences, or else to do them, be honest, and accept the consequences. Which things to do and not to do needed to depend on what was healthy and what wasn't.

When I stacked certain consequences against the guilt from lying, sometimes that guilt seemed easier. For me, it didn't stay that way - the guilt was always worse. The antidote to finding lying easy is to break down the compartments. Let all those emotions flood in, in fact encourage them to. Make yourself sick with the thought of lying.

Don't do anything you can't be honest about. As broevil's tagline says, your secrets keep you sick.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
1bigidiot79
Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 17th (Friday)

The antidote to finding lying easy is to break down the compartments. Let all those emotions flood in, in fact encourage them to. Make yourself sick with the thought of lying.

Don't do anything you can't be honest about. As broevil's tagline says, your secrets keep you sick.

Thanks Silver. I think what you said about learning to make yourself sick with the thought of lying is a good thought. I need to completely change my mindset to make the thought of lying repulsive. It's mind boggling how I could justify my actions, knowing they were hurtful and wrong, when I would condemn others for doing the same thing. Also, other areas of my life where I would have that line in the sand saying I will not do this or that because it is wrong, where was that line when it came to lying.

Rationalization, justification, entitlement, lust and pride played a huge role in my actions. I think the lying came so easily because when you boil it all down I liked what I was doing and I would have told myself anything to allow it to continue. This has been sort of a breakthrough for me as it was very hard to admit that I liked looking at the porn or otherwise I wouldn't have been doing it in the first place.

Now I just have to realize going forward that I can no longer deceive myself. I can no longer put myself in those situations where the consequences of my actions will cause hurt and pain to begin with. Now we all know that sometimes we do things before we think and we all make mistakes. I have to immediately be honest and learn to face the pain and consequences during those times.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
ItsaClimb
Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 17th (Friday)

It has bugged the hell out of me that my WH found it so very easy to lie to me for such a very long time. I have come to the conclusion that it was so easy for him to lie because at the time of the A he was consumed by this huge bubble of selfishness and obsession... he was so caught up in it that his morals, his standards, his boundaries.. all of it.. were completely meaningless. He wasn't thinking about me, he wasn't thinking about his personal code of conduct, he wasn't thinking about his children, ALL he was thinking about was himself and his desires and the object of his obsession. So lying was easy, cheating was easy, it was all a means to an end and that "end" was all that mattered, nothing else mattered.

I think that's why it was so easy, because he never gave it logical thought. He was operating in an altered state of being.

After the A ended, I think he lied purely to protect himself. That was a different sort of lying.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 966 | Registered: Oct 2012
1bigidiot79
Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I think that's why it was so easy, because he never gave it logical thought. He was operating in an altered state of being.
This was so true in my situation. If you don't know my betrayal was not an affair but looking at porn. When I would find myself on the slope needing to make a decision of whether to view or not I was never thinking logically. It's not like I woke up in the morning and thought "today I'm going to look at porn at some point". Rather, it was seeing something (image that wasn't porn but maybe provocative)that would begin the thought process that would lead me to begin to lie to myself to justify looking at something else provocative. That would inevitably lead to me eventually viewing porn. It was like when the cycle or process started there was no turning back. Everything I told myself was birthed out of lust, entitlement and pride.

The lust was physical lust and hormones doing their job when I would allow myself to begin going down the slope.

The entitlement was part justification and rationalization that I deserved to look for whatever reason (red blooded male, got turned down the night before etc.)

The pride was not wanting to tarnish the precious persona I had led so many to believe was the real me.

Realizing all these things now makes me sick. Why couldn't I see all this before? Why didn't I stop to realize the hurt and pain it would cause? Why didn't I snap out of it and think about my wife, my child and my God?


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
dogg
New Member
Member # 41995
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I didn't lie to my wife while I was having my A. She had no idea. It was easy for me because I travel with my job and my AP was in a city that I worked in often. When I was having my A I was lieing to myself.I had myself convinced that what I was doing was okay, because she paid no attention to me in and out of the bedroom. She found out about my A several months later after it was over with. That's when I lied about a few things. Now that I live in a fishbowl there is no more lieing.


If I could turn back time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
wario
Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

I lied to my wife for years to protect myself, my idea of the relationship, basically my world. I did it because that was what I knew and I ignored the thought of the consequences and the harm it did to my BS and my soul. As my wife questioned me throughout our relationship the burden of lying just got snowballed, with time I could not bear this burden and eventually told her the truth slowly TT-style. Now we have to deal with the truth, the betrayal and how to live knowing you can't go back.

Lying is not easier than telling the truth. Its easier to tell the truth because you don't have to fabricate or hide anything. Its a protection mechanism that doesn't work when you are in a relationship with someone. Ironically, I don't lie now, because its easier, because I don't want to harm those around me. I realize now that the safest thing for me is to have people around me that I trust and who trust me.

Anyhow that is my two cents,

Wario


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

@dogg.
I didn't lie to my wife while I was having my A. She had no idea.

So you don't accept the concept of 'lies of omission'? Interesting.

Now that I live in a fishbowl there is no more lieing.

And if that's the only reason your not lieing anymore, you my friend have some serious work to do on yourself or you're just going to cheat again.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:28 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

@ItsaClimb: Bingo!


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 30