|Just Found Out|
Topic: literally - where did you go after you found out??
Member # 41916
| Posted: 3:53 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
So here's my question. Literally and physically where did you go after you found out?? did you stay in the house with him/her? did you move out? stay with friends for a while? hotel?
he wants me to come back home, stay in separate bedrooms but he thinks we need to be under the same roof.
i don't see that happening. i think it would be so awkward and like being a prisoner in my own home. but on the flip side....the thought of finding a new place to live is just too much to bare. packing, moving, being alone.
we don't have kids at home so don't have to worry about that. so what did you do and what would you recommend for me??
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 29912
| Posted: 4:04 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
Do whatever you are comfortable with... we are all different!
I for one stayed in the house but internally I went out of my mind... it was like my heart was literally broken and there was an empty hollow shell left. I was in a fog and a stupor and barely functioned. Still feel that way some days when I have a bad day.
Only do the things that make you feel safe and right with the world. Right now your safe feelings are the most important thing for you.
Posts: 1174 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Member # 33417
| Posted: 4:08 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
First night, we stayed under the same roof in separate beds. By the second night, I kicked her out and she stayed with friends.
3birds, you did nothing wrong. You should not leave. Your wayward should be the one to figure out where to stay. You should stay home.
DDay: November 20, 2010
Currently working on R
Posts: 135 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 14234
| Posted: 4:21 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I stayed. The first night I kicked him out. Then he came back for a few weeks until he found a place to stay. While he was here he slept on an air matress on the floor.
Me BS 39
Him WH 38
D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
Working on Re
Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2007
Member # 41441
| Posted: 4:32 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
My ex was already giving me the silent treatment and I was at work and saw escort charges on his credit card. I told my boss and went home to pick up divorce papers I had ready because I already suspected. My attorney would not get him out of the house so I did 8 months of in house S where we literally avoided each other. Several times I stayed at safe house to avoid the abuse he gave but I never have up & got my house in the divorce & changed the locks so fast, bagged all he left behind. Make the guilty party move out or he might move the OP in.
Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!
Posts: 292 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Member # 15162
| Posted: 4:47 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I found out standing in our kitchen. She went to talk to him on the phone, and I got our 3 month old son out of bed and sat on the couch hugging he and his sister.
FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Posts: 36520 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 24719
| Posted: 5:09 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
To the computer and here, to my support system at SI. He went back to work. Then, i went to an awards ceremony at my DD10's school, cheerleading, then had him meet me at her honor roll banquet. I'd gone to everyone alone... He was not going to get out of parenting. No way. He was to sleep on the futon in the office/guest room... But, I went for a drive and processed some stuff. he confessed, I had barely a clue...
Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen
Posts: 2250 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 38650
| Posted: 5:17 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I took my baby to a hotel. It was the last night I slept through the night. I knew something was going on and went crazy trying to find out what. Once I go my proof I felt so much peace, I was just glad to finally know.
Posts: 241 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 37740
| Posted: 5:22 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I left the house and went did something I hadn't done in 6 years, I got drunk.
I managed to get home at 5:30 AM and she was waiting for me. "I was worried about you, I still care about you". Yeah, she cared so much that she cheated on me.
The next day she said she was leaving and going back to her parent's house and taking our two daughters with her. Two days later they were gone.
[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 2:22 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]
BH - 64
fWW - 59
"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife
Posts: 446 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Member # 40829
| Posted: 5:41 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I went straight to my bed and cried my heart out for literally 3 days and nights. Didn't eat or drink anything. Spoke to no one, including him. He however, stayed in the spare room. I stayed in this state of shock and disbelief until my sister flew in to rescue me. Thank god for my sister.
After witnessing my complete and utter devastation, the person who professes to love me more than anything or anyone, continued his affair with said Ho for another month or more.
Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R
Posts: 149 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 35812
| Posted: 6:17 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I stayed in my house and my FWH went back and forth sleeping in our bedroom or in the guest room or on the couch outside of our bedroom dependent upon if I could stand to be in the same room with him or not. Were I to do this over again, I think that I would have moved him to the guest room (we have no children either) and had one room in the house that could be my private refuge for many months.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 41921
| Posted: 6:18 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
We were living separately, WH living away for a job.
I found out one time when on a trip with my friend, and the other time when laying in bed.
Right after both times I started chain smoking, didnt speak, didnt eat and barely slept for days. Both times it took me about a week to say something to him. I unfortunately never got to confront him about it in person.
Married 3 years, together 7.
D Day 1: Nov 5. 2012
D day 2: May 4. 2013
"This is a story you won't tell the kids we'll never have. Congratulations to you both I hope someway you're happy..."
Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Presently in h(-ll
Member # 35924
| Posted: 6:23 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I went to an AA meeting.
My world had been blown apart but I knew I didn't want to drink over it.
And I still haven't.
I never kicked her out of the bedroom, but perhaps I should have.
That which does not kill me makes me more irritable
Posts: 315 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Among the Gaurwaith
Member # 26970
| Posted: 6:24 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
.."CRAZY".. but you can't find it on a map!!!
..still trying to find my way back home.
trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf
Posts: 4105 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 41219
| Posted: 6:34 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
My WH was out of town for work training when I found out so I had about a week before he came home. Initially I told him to stay with a friend or get a hotel but when he came home I didn't want him to leave. He slept in our bedroom with me most the time but it was easier since he was gone a lot for training, only home a few days every other week.
Mentally/emotionally I was gone, barely functioned enough to take care of my kids
Everyone is different, only do what YOU feel comfortable with.
Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R
Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
Member # 27035
| Posted: 10:00 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I was at home and I stayed there. He had already abandoned me - the marriage, the house, the pets, everything. I just didn't know why until four months later. Unfortunately, my youngest DD was in the room with me when I got the call from the MOW's family and overheard it all. She was home from college.
You should do what feels safest for you. Definitely consult a lawyer in order to protect your rights and assets in case he takes advantage of your absence.
"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% - and that's pretty good."
Posts: 4933 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 34543
| Posted: 11:21 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I crawled into my daughter's bed, but I didn't sleep. When she woke up she thought it was wierd, but I just told her I liked her mattress.
I just felt like I had to be near her.
D-Day Spring 2008
3 years false R
Divorce Final 6/7/12
Posts: 394 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: California
Member # 34030
| Posted: 11:32 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
I stayed home. I thought he would go NC after the initial confrontation but when I realized this was not happening, I moved out of the bedroom into the guest room. We remained sleeping in separate beds for about a month. Then we were going on a long trip and I had no choice but to sleep in the same bed with him. Being away from her with no email or phone contact for 4 months, helped him get out of the fog. Had we not gone on a trip and had he continued contact, honestly, I do not know what would have happened.
And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
Posts: 845 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 26584
| Posted: 11:56 PM, January 4th (Saturday)|
When I found out I was at work. At the time I worked for juvie correction place, I was on the girls wing monitoring the showers. I got a text on my phone. I'm fucking *Xh's name*. Sent from whores phone, by her FBH. I had no idea he sent it, no one would answer my frantic texts or calls. I could not leave the floor, security is a big issue specially during showers.
Once I could get off the floor I called Xh and he confirmed it, over the phone while I was at work. I had an out of body experience, I screamed, cried your basic complete melt down right there. Then I went into a numb trance, I stared, I moved, I spoke ... But it was not me, *I* was like floating above myself watching me. I left work and drove the 45 min to the house.
He was not there, refused to tell me where *he* was, he said they were together never told me where. I proceeded to destroy the house. Anything not permanently attached was ripped, thrown, broken, shredded, slammed, kicked, punched you name it I did it. There was a sea of glass everywhere, pieces of broken things, looked like a hurricane had come through the house.
Xh was so kind as to send a mutual friend over to check on me, he had no clue what to do, just watched me rant and rage and break things. Screaming and crying the whole time. Really truly an out of body experience. I threw some stuff into a suitcase, very random things, just whatever I saw I put in there, no rhyme or reason to it, if I saw it and it was ok after my tirade it went in the suitcase. I threw it and Charly(dog) in the car, stopped and bought a pack of cigarettes and started to drive the hotel parking lots.
I was on a mission, I was determined and I was serious, calculating. It was very lucky for me I never found them, someone somewhere was looking out for me, I thank for that everyday. I made it to my moms and at the sight of her with her arms open tears streaming down her face I lost it. I went into a deep dark depression, I didn't sleep, didn't eat. I went through the motions but I was not there, I don't know where I was.
Anyway, here I am ... I had to move out of state for my safety/sanity and their safety. I have been in OK since Nov. 2009. From Aug. 2009 till Nov. 2009 we - well I tried to R the M but he never stopped contact with her. When I found that out I went over the deep end again. I sat outside of his new place he rented and called/text constantly - she was there and he was protecting her. The fucking cowards, he actually threatened to shoot me if I came on the porch. I should have then it would have escalated to a domestic and the cops would have come and arrests been made. They would have lost their jobs, I may have been shot or worse.
Thankfully I did not approach the house I stayed in my car. But I felt their fear, and I know they felt my resolve.
Anyway(again) I am here in OK and slowly ever so slowly I am finding myself again. It is not easy, and it takes time. But you do come out of it, there is light to be found again. You can and you will survive this.
Whore was a close friend, maid of honor in my wedding, her Xbh was best friends with my Xh since 7th grade, each was best man in the others wedding. We were god parents to their 2 boys. Our lives were intertwined, we vacayed together, spent holidays together, just hung out on a random day. Our families parents, siblings ect they were all close - so much destroyed, so much lost for what ??? Some whore who promised she could give you what I was lacking ???
I'm rambling - Point is - do not do anything rash, just breathe, go be with someone you can trust and just breathe. Please do not act like I did, if things had gone just a little differently I would not be here, either I be in prison or a grave.
I did not find out about SI till Dec. 14, 2009 I was already in OK and trying to heal. SI was like cooling, healing balm to my tattered beat up self. I was so overwhelmed and thankful for this place, I signed up right away, and have never once thought twice about it. I am thankful, greatful everyday for this site and the struggle that the mods go through to keep it. What a sacrifice it was for it to start, it came from a place great loss and hurt, and has turned into a place of love, hope, faith, healing. MH & DS or proof enough that good things can come from great despair/heartache - they made it, and then they made a safe place for others to make it also, either as a couple or a single. Thank you.
Anyway(again) I'm rambling again. All you have to do is breathe, just breathe.
eta --- spelling
[This message edited by booger bear at 12:02 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]
I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.
Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Member # 41861
| Posted: 12:29 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
I received an anonymous piece of mail with a copy of an email my WS sent to OW describing our marriage and his love for her. I left my office, drove to his office in complete devastation. I barged in, read him the email, slapped his face and then went to our home, packed a bag and moved in with my sister for 4 months. I am reclaiming my home tomorrow. WS is leaving in order to give the space I require. For me, separation was mandatory. Leaving home was also mandatory because home felt like part of the illusion I had been living. Now, I need to be there to have the privacy, alone time and the sanctuary I so desire. Find your peace and be there, wherever it may be.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 39668
| Posted: 12:35 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
He told me on Skype when I was across the country visiting my folks.
At first, he was going to take the next flight out and come to talk to me there (OW was a coworker and I wanted him away from her). But he kept telling me I had to accept that he would have to bring work with him. The third time he said it, I told him come out to save the M or don't come at all.
He booked a flight a week out so he could take care of things at work and not make his boss suspicious (uh huh).
Then we started talking about how we would live under one roof with one bedroom, if I came home. I refused to sleep in the bed (he brought OW there while I was gone). He said he was afraid he was going to end up sleeping on his office floor if it turned out MC was unsuccessful.
So then he started saying that I needed to get a sublet. He said he didn't want to resign our lease, and he wanted to get his "own" place without having to worry about me liking it or it being pet friendly.
After I found out he slept with OW one last time after he told me he had NCed her, I considered it a dealbreaker (I made my expectations really, really clear after DDay1). That was it.
He cancelled his flight to come out to me. He packed up all of my things (well, almost all of them) and shipped them to my parents' house. That's where I stayed until I got a position house sitting and then managed to get a job that will relocate me to a city that is geographically pretty much as far away from XWS as one can get without falling into the ocean.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:40 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]
BS / D
Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39114
| Posted: 1:08 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
Go or stay where YOU feel safe and supported.
If you want to be in your house, ask him if he would kindly leave to allow you space. He's going to be afraid to leave . Reassure him that it's temporary even if you are not sure. I don't generally advocate lying, except in certain cases, which include protecting ourselves and caring for ourselves after this type of trauma! They lied to protect themselves. Two wrongs don't make a right, and self care is paramount!
If you want to get your own sublet, it might possible to get something pretty and furnished so you only have to take personal belongings, more like a trip than a move.
I went berserk when I found out. Picked up a razor blade. Texted Ws that I had it and planned to use it. Planned on shredding his mattress. A friend on phone offered me rational options. I threw his very nice wardrobe on back lawn, turned on hose to make mud, and then stuck a spade through as much as I could and stomped on the muddy clothing.
Later he had the audacity to complain about the dry cleaning bill. Wow. He takes almost five years from me, then im the bad one creating a dry cleaning bill.
Anyway go where is right FOR YOU. Later decide if you wish to compromise with him. You first now all the way!
Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.
Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 38716
| Posted: 8:15 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
It's a blur - but I know I was in the bathroom sobbing for a long, long time. Hours.
BW, 31, two young kids
One day at a time....
Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 41759
| Posted: 10:11 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
You have to do what is most comfortable for you. This is a time for you to be selfish and put your needs first.
Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 24416
| Posted: 10:31 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
On D-day we were on our way to our son's basketball game so I had to sit through the whole game trying not to sob.
When he admitted it was a PA I sat on the bed and cried while he went back to work.
2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.
Posts: 1628 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 39668
| Posted: 10:38 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
If I had found out at home? There would have been property damage for sure.
I had fantasies about going into his office and trashing it. I would have at least poured something on the mattress to ruin it.
And my guess is his clothes would have ended up in a tree.
BS / D
Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39707
| Posted: 10:51 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
I was at home and texted him 3 times 30 minutes apart to ask what the password to the phone account was (he had changed it). He called after the 3rd text and told me he would not give it to me. I blew up and after a few minutes he said I would find numbers of someone he was "talking" to way too much. After much badgering he finally admitted he was having an affair but "it was over a long time ago".
I hung up, called his dad, called his mother, told all of our children. I grabbed the shotgun we keep by the door for wild dogs and coyotes (we lived way out) and went outside to blow many holes in his convertible......but, something smarter than me at the time made me stop.
His mother was the one who suggested we go away together and try to decide what we were going to do. He came home, we packed bags and went for a 4 day drive. Looking back, it was what was best and he told me everything I wanted to know.....at least I thought at the time. The TT and everything that came later and moreso the secrets, omissions and blatent violent/resentful refusal to a poly he has now are what's ruining our R.
Too bad, even our MC thinks we should make it through this.
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...
Being very, very careful
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
Posts: 155 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
Member # 41303
| Posted: 10:54 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
I found out while checking his phone for the TIME! There was a text on it from the OW! He tried to deny it then told me the truth while I was in the laundry room of our summer home.... we were there at the time. I don't know how I made it up the stairs to our other level but I do remember we were in the kitchen and I literally beat the living hell out of him(not something Im proud of now). I was in a total blur, I got in my truck drove down the road to a remote place and cried for a very long time..... I even called his mother but don't remember?
Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.
Posts: 213 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Member # 35912
| Posted: 11:01 AM, January 5th (Sunday)|
In house separation (he went to the spare bedroom). We stayed like that for months while sorting through financial paperwork for D. It was hell. But somehow you get through it. And financially it made sense.
Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 38232
| Posted: 1:07 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
Stayed in the same chair I was sitting in when I found out,drank until the beer was gone. Then I poured myself a beer mug of tequila and stumbled upstairs to our bed. When I kept drinking even though I was laying on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet,H came in with a pillow and blanket and laid beside me. It never occurred to me to leave. It was my home and my bed and my safe place. That was one sucky time.
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Heading for S.
Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Member # 23547
| Posted: 1:24 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
In the first few minutes after finding out...I went in the shower. I remember that. I remember collapsing on the kitchen floor where he found me sobbing and in shock. The most horrific moment of my life. I stayed and he refused to leave. I was 3000 miles away from anyone I knew. He was all I knew there. My son was back east for Easter vacation visiting his dad. I don't know how I got through those first few weeks.
FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)
Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 40571
| Posted: 1:31 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
I stayed with us in separate rooms - at times I think I should have made him move out but then I actually really needed answers to questions and on the plus side he saw exactly how much pain he caused and had to face it full one...as someone else said do what your instinct tells you particularly as you have no kids - my son asks a lot for his dad so it was also a consideration for me...
Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 34678
| Posted: 1:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
Here is what I recommend for you:
He stays out of the house, if you can afford being there by yourself for a couple of months.
Before he sets foot in that house again, he goes to counseling. PERIOD. For 6 months at least!!! Sure he wants to come back home, my spouse tried that, too. But I told him not until he got ALOT of help, that this could not be rugswept. He had to work on his shit before I would even talk to him!!! I told him I deserved everything. I wanted a REAL marriage and him moving back in wasn't going to fix anything --- if it even could be fixed.
Please please please read the first 2 chapters of Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. He says you absolutely MUST make this a HUGE blowout,, not a small leak,,, if your marriage is going to work/or not work. The WS is like a teenager who got caught with drugs,,, they promise everything not to do it again, blah blah blah. But until they do the heavy lifting of working on themselves, they'll do it again.
You owe your WS NOTHING at this point. You provide yourself a safe place --- your home--- where you can heal, and think. This is what I did for myself and my children. 2 years ago. I am NOT sorry at all. And I have to say, before I read the first 2 chapters of Dr. Dobson's book, I was a pushover, people pleasing, sweetheart. But I was getting run over and the line of respect was being crossed over and over in our marriage while I smiled and tried to be "nice".
BTW XH "appeared" at some marriage counseling and lied, blaming me for everything. So, in the long run he didn't think 6 months of marriage counseling was worth doing for the sake of us? Well, thank God I moved on.
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Posts: 1981 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 34678
| Posted: 1:55 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
I stayed in the shower until the water ran out. Over and over and over.
It has taken me 2 years to get my mind somewhat back to what it was.....
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Posts: 1981 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 41572
| Posted: 2:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
When I found out I lost vision for a few seconds and started to wretch as if I were going to throw up and then started crying uncontrollably. I took the baseball bat and went and hit some baseballs and couldn't stop crying.
I came home for a brief time and told my wife that I was going to drive to Texas and shoot the OM. I really meant it, had he been more accessible I'd me in jail now for murder. The OM is too chicken-shit to face me like a man. He's a 39 year old sissy-boy.
After that I went to a sports bar and drank for the remainder of the night.
The next day was Thanksgiving (ain't that great?). I had a hangover and no sleep.
Soon I started meditating heavily, seeing counselors, a Reiki practitioner, and majorly started taking my life back and then some. I've met so many new friends. I'm dressing better, exercising, playing the piano again.
It's been a bit over a month now and I'm much better. You will be too. Just make sure (as we all say) that you take care of yourself first and frankly if that comes at your WS expense, all the better in my book.
I'm free, and frankly don't give two shits what my WS thinks when I go out for coffee or to get a beer (yes, just one or two) at my local watering hole. The cheater thinks I'm prone to start my own affair, and that may be true given what she did. But I didn't break the trust, she did.
Cheaters are weak cowards to me who've lost their minds and reasoning.
Me (BS) 42
Her (WS) 41
DD #1 October 31, 2013 She admits to on-line emotional affair.
DD #2 November 27, 2013 She admits to sexual affair the previous weekend.
Married 17 years, together for 23 years-2DDs
OM - Married coward with children
Posts: 48 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Denver, CO
Member # 40287
| Posted: 2:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
Thankfully I bought my house before we were married so he had no claim on it. He was going out on an oil rig for two weeks when he asked me over the phone for a divorce. In those two weeks, I packed up his shit. He came and picked it up in late February 2013 and moved to Austin. Well, he claims to live in Austin but actually lives in Florida with the OW since she moved out and divorced her husband.
BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.
Posts: 312 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Member # 38113
| Posted: 2:42 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
I found out at night. I had read a text on his phone a week before but thought it was one of his guy friends just joking around. Then it started to bother me so I went back to his phone and got the #. I had my grown daughters bf call it and it was in fact a woman. He had her listed as John in the contacts.
This was not the first rodeo for me as we had discussed 2 months before how he wasn't sure he was in love with me. I'm not dumb so of course I had my doubts all along. Buy we had started R without counseling on that first discussion and he stopped seeing her. I think he thought she would disappear and I would never find out.
Back to d-day... It was late and he was getting my 8 year old to bed when I found out so I text him and said "come outside on the back porch when you are done" he came out and had no idea what was going on but I started questioning him until he finally said "I fucked up" we talked for about 4 hours.
He called her the next morning and ended it. My only regret is that I wasn't on the phone with him because she kept calling I found out later. Months later. Another devastation. In the end, I wish I would have kicked him out the first night.
I wasn't leaving!! I didn't do anything wrong!!!
Finally in R with help from MC and IC
Posts: 120 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 34262
| Posted: 4:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
Found out when OW sent a sext (people are so dumb). Confronted immediately. Got the ILYBINILWY speech. Left and went to BFF's house for two hours (she wasn't there... Was out of town).
Went home and we slept in separate rooms. Found out later when I was on call that there had been a PA.
Neither of us left although I packed a bag once and was on my way out to a hotel when FWS stopped me and agreed to read a book is asked her to read. I kept a suitcase packed for three months sitting at the door in case she pulled more shit.
Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish
Posts: 2083 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Member # 41404
| Posted: 4:31 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
IMHO, it depends on where you are heading long-term.
I'm only about 3-1/2 months from d-day, but at this point we are working towards R. So we are living in the house together, in the same bedroom. That may change, since at this point I do not yet have his timeline and full disclosure.
As other posters have said, you should do whatever is most comfortable for you. If you want him to leave, tell him so. If you have friends or family nearby that you can stay with, you might want to do that.
If you want to give R a chance, you might want to stay in your home together, but perhaps in separate rooms.
There's no right answer here.
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo
Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
Member # 41540
| Posted: 4:38 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
I've never felt pain like it in my life - didn't have a clue (yet always thought I was so worldly wise).
The full story came out over 30 hours, neither of us slept - I wanted him out but he begged to stay under any rules I wanted. He is in a spare room, extremely remorseful and wants to make it up to me. He did a no contact letter, after a lot of thought I told OBS but haven't told anyone else until I'm clear about what I want.
Most of the time I can't bear to look at him, but I'm taking advice given on SI and biding my time. I haven't a clue how things will work out but I'll never trust him again as long as I live.
Posts: 121 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
Member # 40329
| Posted: 4:57 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
WH and I were out of town together when I discovered his ONS that occurred the night before (I arrived a day after he did). I got in my car and drove........ No idea where I was going, how I would get there, nobody else knew where I was. I ended up 600 miles from home. I really have no clue how I arrived safely. I stayed there almost a week. I would call the front desk every morning and ask if they would extend my reservation another day. I never turned on the TV, radio or spoke to another human, except when it was absolutely necessary.
WH had texted, called, emailed until finally I said I was somewhere in the middle of the AZ desert. He begged me to come home, said I 'needed' to. But the truth was, I needed to be alone, I needed some time in my own head, with my own thoughts, without the regular daily pressures to deal with.
Since I returned home (We're 5 months from dray) we have been in the same room. Until new information came to light on 12.28.13, that he didn't make "A" mistake. Looks like there was more than 1 ONS! He's killing me with the rugsweeping and TT. I kicked him out of our bed. He's in the guest room and will more than likely be out of the house soon if he doesn't start speaking some truth.
So just like most other responses, you have to do what is right for YOU! Don't make your decision based on fear, I've done some of that..... it's a bad idea. Whatever you need right now, do THAT!
D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish
Posts: 200 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Member # 41218
| Posted: 9:02 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
Straight to work. I had to do the IT setup for an executive meeting. It's one of the most important things I do at work every month and I was there shaking like a madwoman, my heart pounding in my ears.
I didn't kick WH out, mostly because I didn't trust him not to stay at OW's apartment no matter what he said about being glad that it was over and I wasn't going to reward him with a soft place to land.
But I have no intention of moving out. This is MY HOUSE too, not just WH's, and although WH crapped all over my ownership and my rights to control what happens in MY HOUSE, nobody is going to make me leave it.
If I choose to let go of this house, it will be because I decide to. And it will not be one instant sooner than that.
Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?
Posts: 151 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Member # 41848
| Posted: 9:45 PM, January 5th (Sunday)|
On Father's Day, after we put the boys to bed, he told me that he was miserable in the marriage for years but didn't want to hurt me. I was shocked - we never even fought, never discussed divorce, said "I love you" daily, so I knew there had to be another woman, even though he said absolutely not. When he went upstairs to bed, I snuck his phone downstairs and found the texts - she was a 25 year old coworker and they were already at the "you are my one true love, I can't wait to spend the rest of our lives together" stage. I was shaking and devastated but I still had enough sense to copy all of the texts onto my phone. Then I looked up as much info as I could about her on the computer - and the fiancée that I discovered she lived with. I sent the fiancée an FB message with a copy of the texts. Then - it was 1 am by this time - I went upstairs and started screaming at him. I allowed him to drag on a pair of pants and gave him his cellphone and his car keys and kicked him right out the fucking door. He spent the first night in his car, texted me all the next day about how he had nowhere to go and hadn't eaten or slept (I had called and reported his debit card stolen so he had no money). He had not one friend whose couch he could crash on - says a lot about the man, doesn't it? - so I allowed him to spend the next two weeks on an old couch in the detached garage until he found a place. That was so surreal - having him out there, not 50 feet from our bed, with my whole life turned upside down.
I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun-shiny day
Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 41679
| Posted: 2:16 PM, January 6th (Monday)|
I don't remember. We had a few days of TT but when she finally admitted to a one time sexual encounter I blew up. I know the kids ran upstairs out of a fear of their father (towards WW) they had NEVER seen before or since. I told her to get the fuck out and call her loser boyfriend for a one way ticket back to affairland. Then I went up and apologized to the kids for not being good enough for their mother. I forget the rest.
The next memory I have was walking out the door for work the next day. I made sure to tell WW, "THIS is what I do. This is what I've always done. I put on my uniform, go to work, support you and the kids the best I can. And THIS...is how you repay me. I give you a life 99% of women would KILL for, and you risk it all for a lousy screw with a fat, old, impotent loser. You make me fucking sick"...or something like that.
BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.
Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Member # 41889
| Posted: 4:45 PM, January 6th (Monday)|
I found out via text from his exW & ask him via text if it was true that her newborn twins were his. His text reply was "they may be". I freaked out and started crying, my husband came upstairs and I started smacking him on his shoulders and screaming. I called my mom and told her to come get our daughter. I sat there and cried until my mom arrived and after they left I yelled at my husband for hours and throw every picture off the wall that was just me and him or was related to our wedding. By bedtime I went to sleep in our room and we went to the spare room. The night day my mom brought our daughter back home and I was admitted to the hospital for depression. I spent 3 days in the hospital and then came back home. I gave my h a list of marital conditions for him to follow which he agreed. About 10 days later he broke one of them and I learned new information about the A and I packed up my stuff and daughter's and we moved to my parents for 6 weeks before we moved back in with my H. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still with him because I have no were else to go and I don't want my daughter growing up in a broken home.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Davenport, IA
Member # 34319
| Posted: 3:49 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
We stayed at our home. W have two young kids. And We had guests from out of the country with us for Christmas. In a bit of a blessing, we had a ski cabin for a handful of days after Christmas. We gave our master bedroom to our friends and slept in bunk beds in the room where are kids slept. (2 sets of bunk beds) I couldn't sleep, but was comforted by my kids' breathing.
D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 41924
| Posted: 1:58 PM, January 9th (Thursday)|
Found out this xmas eve, like 930pm so i didnt go anywhere,wen confronted he just looked like deer caught in the headlights.xmas day i put on as happiest face i culd for my kids, WH spent the day either ass kissin doin chores i didnt ask him to do,or at his grandmas(wh grandma lives in an attached granny unit on our property) so he was with his family alot of the day thank god. Day after xmas kids went to mother in laws for 2 day which had thankfully already been planned,and while WH was @ work i booked the BEST EXPENSIVE hotel i culd in my area,asked for the BIGGEST MOST EXPENSIVE room available, and left.didnt tell ny1 but my MIL(Since she had my kids i felt i shuld tell her,big mistake lol) ,1st i soaked in the huge jacuzzi tub forn 2 hrs, then ordered room service(hadnt eaten since day bfor xmas eve already,dnt eat much to begin with but coffee lol) ordered 5 items from room setvice cuz i wanted 2 try little of it all,ended up takin literaly 1 bite of each,so 5 bites and threw it up 3 minutes later. Then ordered a movie,big mistake cuz didnt read what it was about and of all things it was about a woman who trying to start over after her husband had multiple affairs; so i went to bed and well WH did txt me wen he got home around 6, ask where i was and i told him since he spent the last 3 months lying 2 me bout what he been doin so he lost the right to know my whereabouts, and he txtd and called and begged 2 know i refused, well he got it out of my dear MIL where i was,and he showed up with an overnight bag! Ya fn right dude! I let him in so we "culd talk" but he didnt wana tell me anything still so i sent him on his way,next day i booked most expensive spa package @ hotel,massage,facial,reflexology,mud bath,the works, i DID enjoy my day @ the spa but i was miserable,so i relented and went home ,WH kept txtng me telling me please come home this is your home where u belong,course i was tellin him the same thing, that is your home where YOU BELONG but that didnt stop u from playin house with some tramp piece of shit. I kept telling WH i had to stay @ hotel cuz i already paid for 3 nights,he kept telling me its just money please come home,finaly i did,didnt stay the 2nd night i paid for,total hotel bill was over $900 and i felt good to spend it,felt like i was telling him FU in a way by spending that money on ME, nyway thats my long story
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life
"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"
Posts: 99 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: santa rosa ca
Member # 41927
| Posted: 8:34 PM, January 9th (Thursday)|
Like a moron. I stayed in the home to R for 7 months while she continued to lie and cheat. LIMBO hell.
For one week I called in sick and just drove around. I put like 500 miles on my truck that week.
[This message edited by PRNDL at 8:37 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]
BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
She recently ended it with OM
Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Member # 35593
| Posted: 8:50 PM, January 9th (Thursday)|
I sat in my leather wing back chair for over 24 hours. I do not think he noticed. He went back to work and kept up appearances while I fell apart. I do not think I slept for 3 days. I finally drank enough that I passed out. He put me to bed and I do not remember it. I am not a drinker but I had to kill the pain. He found an IC by the end of the week. I think I scared him to death.
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
Posts: 1405 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 40361
| Posted: 8:03 AM, January 10th (Friday)|
He was overseas, waiting to see my son and me for a vacation. I found out by reading his emails on his computer. I called him and told him what I knew. On the emails he had been begging her to come to him for a time before we, his family arrived. (he was there for work.) I told him the vacation was off, and that he could not come back to the house. He never did. He lived with relatives, and rented a place nearby. I was so distraught that I went to bed for about three months. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep without pills, cried and cried and cried. But I stayed home--or if I had to go into town I would text him to make sure he wasn't in town too. I couldn't bear the thought of running into him. Home was the only safe place for me--so long as he was not there.
You will find your way--just pay attention to your what your heart needs. Don't be afraid of pain--the best way out is through. At least it was for me,
Me: 58, SAHM
Him: 58, LTA 2.5 years
Married 9 years, together 15
Dday: June 11 2013
DD 9 years
Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40410
| Posted: 11:01 AM, January 10th (Friday)|
I was on the phone w my boss when I found the emails. I actually told him first as he asked me a question and because of reading the emails I wasn't answering him. Two years later he's still my boss and I'm still incredibly embarrassed by that.
I then called my bff, she managed to (literally) pick me up off the floor, helped me pack and called my mom, and then I drove to my parents, not a short commute, all at about 1 am by that point.
He never came home as he was with her, I was texting him questions as I was driving as I was in complete shock. I never text and drive, I have no idea how I didn't hurt myself or something driving like that.
I got to my parents house and I realized my mom must have been in a panic waiting there for me (my dad was out of town on business), she came literally running to meet my car. I stayed there for 2 days and made my mom sleep in my bed with me, I was terrified without her. I still cannot believe I had such a feeling of fear.
Then the next day was a Friday and I had a big report due for my VP, so I just went back to work as usual as it was one place to make me feel semi normal. It's still my safe place.
Bottom line is, it all varies. Whatever you do, think of yourself, be as kind to yourself as you can. Focus on you, not your WW.
Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 41522
| Posted: 12:11 PM, January 10th (Friday)|
After kicking him out, I stayed in the house with the kids. I was on autopilot...I have no idea how I survived that day. I was on auto pilot, but had a breakdown in the shower.
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞
Update: attempting to reconcile
Posts: 175 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
|Topic Posts: 52|| |