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User Topic: breaking my "diet"
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Ok so... I've been trying to fix my broken self over the past year, as well as other things. from no longer looking at porn, getting rid of bad friend's, to making sure people(friends & family) don't support me and think "poor nogoodap1" no it's "poor TrulySad".

so anyways, I find myself messing up hurting her then saying I won't do it again. we make up then I mess up again, ect,. and every time she gets closer to her breaking point. well, I did it again.

This new year's I couldn't make it 5 min. I was looking at some chick at a new year's party we were at that was a neighbors house on another street. Now we both have an understanding of what looking at someone and checking them out is. And I was not checking her out but I kept looking at her. and she kept looking back this happened all night long. And to top it off the chick lives 2 houses down from us. I know better than this... I shouldn't have been looking, period.

Shes been saying she's done and I believe her. and this kills me. while I have come far from bringing thoughts into my head when I look at a woman. but I still look. and worse they both know I looked(my G/F and the chick at the party. so that gave this chick power over my G/F. that she can turn my head.

so I keep telling her I'm gonna change, I'll do better, and it wont happen again. She will not believe me and for good damn reason. I've lied to her and said it all before. In one of our many talks about it she told me I knew better well before and know better now why would it be any different. I told her it's like a diet I keep trying and then cave, trying then cave again. I just don't understand why I keep looking. I don't want to. I know it hurts her but when I do it I'm not thinking of that. because I know I'm not desiring these women. HOW CAN I STOP?!?!?!?!

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 6:00 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Tickingtock
Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

I have no advice but just want to tell you that you've been heard.


Me: 31

Posts: 148 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I want to get to the bottom of this. It's killing her.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Are you in IC? It sounds like you are trying to "white knuckle" it. IMO its a recipe for failure. Why do you think you keep looking, start there and keep digging.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

No I'm not in IC. I want to be but she doesn't think it'll help. Plus I can't afford it. So I have to use any resources I can and well here I am. She says it's who I am and I can't change that part of me. And if I can how can i? There's gotta be someone here who's battled the same fight and won.

See I've wanted to look at these women for as long as I can remember. So how do I get rid of something so rooted? I know my thoughts we mainly "she looks like she should be on jersey shore" and why does she keep looking at me? But I kept looking back at her.....


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

I just don't understand why I keep looking. I don't want to.

Really? Because without any internal or external motivation to do something people don't want to, they don't.

It sounds like you are trying to "white knuckle" it

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This is spot on^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Can you all elaborate on "white knuckle"? I'm thinking it's "do and hope I don't fail".

The best I can relate it to. Is like walking on a side walk. And you notice poo on the grass next to the sidewalk. Not one person is gonna want to look at poo. But you do as you pass and you don't know why. You arnt gonna step on it as long as you don't go off the sidewalk. So why concern yourself with it.

Now with that being said. I'm not trying to down play this situation. But I care about as much as looking at poo on the ground as looking at these women. I just can't find deep in me why I do.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Can you all elaborate on "white knuckle"? I'm thinking it's "do and hope I don't fail".

Have you ever held onto something so tightly your knuckles turned white?

Being an addict, in recovery, I can relate the phrase to drugs.
Wanting to use so badly it consumes your everything.
You can't stop thinking about it. But don't want to do it.
You obsess about it.
You're sick with the feeling of desperately wanting to use and desperately wanting not to use at the same time.
You hang on tight until the feeling passes.

It's not a pleasant feeling.

It had nothing to do with looking at poop. I have looked at poop on the sidewalk before, and I have "white knuckled" it before.
There is nothing alike about feeling silly for looking at a pile of poop, and trying so hard not to do something you desperately want to but don't want to at the same time.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Ok I got it.

I've trained myself to look at certain "key areas" on women. So while I'm around a woman I tend to not keep my eyes to myself. While to a point I "want" to look but it's strange knowing that the original thought process is no longer there. So how can the "want" still be there? I can look at an ass in some jeans, it's no longer followed with interjecting thoughts of fantacy and wonder. Just why did I look at that. I didn't get anything from it... Or is it because I put a stop to the glance before the thoughts could arise?

I'm so confused. I want to fix me but don't know what the truth is anymore about anything. It's always filled with second guessing myself and contradictions when I try to analyze myself.

It's like I need to ask/be asked the right questions to unlock whats the truth. Because I don't even know it.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Ok. We're men.

One look is an appreciation of the beauty of the female form.No harm, no foul.

And I was not checking her out but I kept looking at her. and she kept looking back this happened all night long.

This is subtle flirting.

More work needed I think. IC perhaps.
Not just, suck it up, I can overcome this.(white knuckling)

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:41 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

But that's just it. It was harmful to my girlfriend. And our relationship. And it absolutely was subtle flirting. I admit that. But my thoughts were not of flirting. Although she has not one damn clue what I was thinking. So I'm sure she was getting her ego fed and thinking that I wanted her. She kept looking at me most likely because I was an easy prey for her ego boosting.

A thing I've learned from my girlfriend is that some women actually want the attention from guys and will dress and do make up to do so. And make a checklist in their head to see how many guys they can get to look their way. And I have given this woman who lives two houses down one up on my girlfriend. Even tho my mindset was probably not on the same page.

And to use the excuse of we are men. Is an excuse widely used to cover us up to do wrong by the women in our lives. It should also be suited to our affairs that hurt the women we are with. That we are genetically made to procreate as much and as often as possible. We are civilized beings. Not dogs.

I want to do IC but as I stated before I can't afford it.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 9:03 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
stilllovinghim
Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

"But my thoughts were not of flirting. Although she has not one damn clue what I was thinking. So I'm sure she was getting her ego fed and thinking that I wanted her. She kept looking at me most likely because I was an easy prey for her ego boosting."

This is blaming her (the girl at the party) and anything else you can grasp at instead of taking full responsibility. Regardless if you admit or not its subtil flirting you're still not owning it 100%.

The two of you, looking back and forth at each other all night is completely rude and disgusting. Come on. You should have turned your back towards her and engage with your GF or left.

This is why you are where you're at in your relationship. Own your shit.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 9:04 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

The times when we would look at each other were times often unavoidable. Unless I looked at the ground the whole time. As me and my girlfriend would be moving around the house as well as the other chick in the house. So it was impossible to know where she was. So "turn this corner, look for someone we want to talk to... Shit I looked at her and she was looking at me" or looking at a friend and he moves and she was behind him in the distance and bam! She was looking my way and I looked back. Or when I was talking in a group around a kitchen island and she was again in the distance of the guy I was talking to and I didn't look at her but could see her constantly looking my way. All while trying to act like I didn't notice.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

^^^ This totally sounds like flirting.
Especially
All while trying to act like I didn't notice.


You had an awareness of her. Wherever she was. And she knew it. So did your GF.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

And to use the excuse of we are men. Is an excuse widely used to cover us up to do wrong by the women in our lives. It should also be suited to our affairs that hurt the women we are with. That we are genetically made to procreate as much and as often as possible. We are civilized beings. Not dogs.

Whoa, chill brother.

You have missed the point. "One look".

Is this better.

"Ok. We're human.

One look is an appreciation of the beauty of the human form. No harm, no foul."

Is this defensiveness/redirection because "subtle flirting" pushed a button?

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:49 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

So how do I cope with this. What happens next time I feel someone is looking at me. And I feel uncomfortable. Grab her and say we are out of here because I am uncomfortable that this chick keeps looking at me. Then guess what happens. "Why the hell were you noticing her looking at you nogoodap1?"

Then thats bringing attention to something I'm trying to deal with on my own so she has a good night. But my girlfriend is incredibly smart and in tune with everything. She's truly an incredible woman. And notices as well.

While I looked at this chick. I couldn't tell you one single thing other than her straight black hair "jersey shore look". I Don't know what her face looked like, Her body, Her tits, her ass. None of it. So if I was intentionally flirting with her I would remember these things I think. So where is my mind in all this!?!?! I'm not being defensive. And you are right I'm blaming her. And I shouldn't because I should worried about what I'm doing not some chick at a party.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Oh dear god I've had a guy catch my eye before and the immediate frown, shake of my head, roll of my eyes or back being turnt on them is enough for them to recognize I want NOTHING to do with them. Youre definitely whie knuckling and that comes from being the same and forcing different behaviors instead of fixing what makes us act the way we do so the change in attitude is natural and not forced.

Also the whole women wear makeup and dress up for the ego boost and attention of men? Yes a lot do that doesn't mean you have to reinforce it and many do it for the ego boost of looking in the mirror and feeling their best. You have a few disclaimers here the dressing up, the it wasn't intentional and the I couldnt help it unless I looked at the floor are all excuses. You looked at another woman all night while in a relationship with someone else. Now stop and start figuring out why.

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:55 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Slow,
No it wasn't meant with what was said about the flirting. I agree with it.

But every time I ask the question about why do I look at women and why can't I stop. I'm met with the response " you are a guy it's normal" I throw the BS flag down. That's an excuse much like the excuses some people make to justify their affairs when they have them. Then once they come clean and try to fix their relationship they realize the excuses are BS.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 10:10 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Then guess what happens. "Why the hell were you noticing her looking at you nogoodap1?"

You know this for a fact?

But my girlfriend is incredibly smart and in tune with everything. She's truly an incredible woman. And notices as well.

Is it possible she would say-
"Thanks sweety, for maintaining your boundaries."

Maybe she is pissed with you because you did not bring it up at the time and just buried your head in the sand hoping she wouldn't notice.

Perhaps you should ask her.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

I'm met with the response " you are a guy it's normal" I throw the BS flag down. That's an excuse much like the excuses some people make to justify their affairs when they have them.

Couldn't agree with you more.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Unagie,
I so want to find the "leak" within me and fix it. So badly because I hate myself for what I've caused and can't stop doing. I do want to stop badly. I don't wake up and think about hurting her. I want to always see her smiling. I find it easier when I'm in a surrounding I know rather than a place I don't. But just as you all have stated that's "white knuckling" because it's forcing myself to stop rather than just doing it naturally.

I just want people's theories on what either they have dealt with concerning the subject or what they think could be the root of it. So I have more ideas to bash around in my head. Maybe it's one thing or twelve. Anything is greatly appreciated.

Slow,
In order for me to notice someone is looking at me is well notice someone is looking at me. Which is usually more than the one glance you are referring to. Which I do 97% of the time. I just want to fix the last 3% of me.

But she doesn't want me to look period and has a hard time believing Even if I look once. It was just me thinking girl and nothing more.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Steppenwolf
Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

I just want people's theories on what either they have dealt with concerning the subject or what they think could be the root of it. So I have more ideas to bash around in my head. Maybe it's one thing or twelve. Anything is greatly appreciated.

IC will help. IMO bashing this around in your head alone will not get you there. I mean it was your head that got you here, right?


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

True it has been my head that has put me here in the first place. But I don't have hundreds lying around to see an IC. I could maybe afford one or two sessions. But that's it. And two hours of talking to someone isn't gonna help.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

"Not even once"

Is it

Looking because an attractive person came in your field of view and you think 'Mmmm, she's easy on the eyes, moving on now.'

or is it

Scanning the room looking for attractive people and you think 'Mmmm, she's easy on the eyes, moving on to the next one now.'

Each scenario is only 'once'.

Both are vastly different. One's being human, the other one is more than that. It's 'I'm single and looking'.

Could be a topic of discussion with your BGF.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 11:15 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

I am a BS so my mindset is a lot different from yours. I took a couple of minutes to put myself into your shoes (as me) and 'imagine' how it would have played out. Here's what it looked like:

First eye contact moment: Wow. That guy looks like Jersey Shore. (the 'notice' that SlowUptake referred to).

To my partner: Where's the bar?

Second eye contact moment. "Hey there's that guy again." But. I realize that I just walked into a room or a barrier-person just moved. I don't assume that he *wants* me. Movement draws attention. Something changed -- the people who are already there look to see what changed -- then I 'carry on' with trying to find the damn drinks. I don't assume that he *wants* me.

Third and subsequent eye contacts: "Why does that guy keep fucking staring at me??!!??"

Can you see the difference between *my* mindset and *yours*?
You are getting a *payoff* from this behavior. And what you are *getting* from it is hurting your SO and could cost you the relationship.

As far as the IC goes....where there is a will, there is a way. There are many free community resources and sliding scales IC's.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Oh it's definitely been the topic already. She said I was single that night.

But as far as looking most of the time I ignore everyone around me because I couldn't care. But if someone does cross my field of view I turn away quickly and don't register what I see. But in the off chance I do register it's usually she was cute, don't look back. And I don't scan a room looking for targets anymore. That's too noticeable so I've stopped that because I got in trouble a lot with that.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

So if you've ignored and turned away before, what made it different this time?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

But if someone does cross my field of view I turn away quickly and don't register what I see.
Aha!
If appreciating the beauty of the human form is not natural or normal. Why is there so much great art devoted to it?

Don't turn away, appreciate it for a split second then move on.
I think you may find that the urge to scan or flirt by looking, will disapate.
Of course discuss this with your BGF to make sure she is comfortable with this possible solution.
My BS and I discussed it, she was Ok about it and it worked for me.

ETA: There is a huge difference between appreciation and lusting. Be careful.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 11:54 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

gonnabe,
I was getting uncomfortable with her looking at me I wasn't liking it. And I wasn't assuming she wanted me. I think she was liking the attention I was giving her.

So if you've ignored and turned away before, what made it different this time?

We were in a house not a bar. We would be talking in a circle so turning my head to talk to various people put my eye sight past her. To include talking to a friend who put her directly behind him to where I could see her looking at me. I don't go out to bars or what have you often. So usually its me getting milk and egg's from the store, or at work and its in passing and I'll never see these people after that (like passing a car on the other side of the road). So if I do look which is rare I stop myself before anything could happen and then they are gone so no worries.

slow,
We have talked about it and she get pissed when I stop for a split second when I notice someone. so that's not something shes ok with.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 12:13 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

We have talked about it and she get pissed when I stop for a split second when I notice someone. so that's not something shes ok with.

You're in an almost impossible situation.
You're being blamed for a normal involuntary reaction to external stimuli.
Your solution so far is to avoid the stimuli. That is simply creating an urge to go beyond the involuntary reaction.

In deference to your BGF feelings, did she have this outlook before you cheated?
ETA:Don't worry about answering my question, just read your BGF's profile, I understand.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 12:49 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 364 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Yes she felt this way before we even dated.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Teach8
Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

BW Here. I just reread this whole thread and something in your first post struck me. Its was something about friends and family treating you like "Poor Nogoodap1". It struck me because part of the issues my wh faces is having never had real consequences for his actions. I think he he always felt like he could get away with things and people would always bail him out. I think sometimes it creates a sense of entitlement.

Honestly, I'm only speaking from my own experience but if your family is saying "poor you" in regards to wayward actions then maybe that message is coming through loud and clear to you. Maybe deep down you still feel entitled to look, exhange flirtatious glances. I'm only guessing here...not sure this is the case. But it seems that a lot of wayward behavior comes from a sense of entitlement. And obviously ego stroking. Again, just trying to get you thinking about why you exchanged glaces with this woman with your BG right there. Not that it is ok anytime.

If your internal dialogue is true, and you were doing something you knew was wrong, and you don't have an addiction, then you would have stopped. There must have been just a little something you were enjoying about it? Again, just exploring...not accusing.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 492 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Then thats bringing attention to something I'm trying to deal with on my own

This is what its all about!!!

This is from a post I will bump:

dysfunctional intimacy - Thinks things through in private; feelings unshared so no one knows decision process; internal dialogues unshared

I would bet a years salary that if you had shared the details of every interaction you had with your AP, as they were happening, with your BGF, you never would have had an A.

Our secrets grow in the dark but die in the light of exposure.

The lack of intimacy, the walls, the secrets, the "dealing on my own", is what makes A possible.

She knows you have a weakness. Keeping things to yourself does not protect her from it. Work together to overcome it.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

You stated that you can not afford IC. Would you consider a SA 12-step group? Some of what you stated in your posts makes me think you might benefit from that very much.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Prayingforhope
Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

nogoodap1, I'll repeat what's already been said because it has helped me dramatically - IC will help in this area. You'd be amazed at how irrelevant some things become (like flirting) when you start to deal with yourself on an emotional level with a therapist.

I'm hearing you on the budget issue and for that I have two solutions, both that work great for me. First, most therapists I know offer a MUCH lower price point for people that need financial assistance. All you need to do is ask, because in the end, therapists are healers and they WANT to help you..the best ones will make it work.

Second, go see the clergy. I'm NOT overly religious, but through the my own healing process I spend a lot of time with my priest. I'm not kidding you, but there are week's when I think he helps me more than the IC...and I guess you know he works for free!

Hang in there, but the answers are all inside your brain...you just need a little help to navigate.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
nogoodap1
Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Teach8,
A lot of people on here to include her are saying that I got a rush from it. Or some form of validation. If that's the case why cant I feel it? Why don't I remember it? I don't feel as though I was feeling good about her looking at me. It made me uncomfortable. I can understand the entitlement part I am self absorbed to a point(here come the 2x4's). But to the point where I would do something like this in front of her knowing it would hurt her.... not so much.

Chico,
I know I should talk but I'm afraid of opening up for fear of hurting her. Or it lead to an argument because we simply cannot talk it out. and you are right I would bet a decade's pay that I wouldn't have cheated if I told her what was happening while it was happening.

Samantha,
while I've thought about a SA 12 step I feel the group would be geared more towards something that isn't suited for me. While I feel as though it may be an addiction but not the same type that they would be dealing with there. While I was addicted to porn I have been clean for several months and have no plans to go back. It's not even a struggle. who knows I could be wrong. Not saying it's not an option. I feel as tho it would be like me attending a AA meeting and I have an addiction with mouth fresheners.

Praying,
I looked at a list of counselors in my area. I'll do more research and go from there and see if I like any of them. Just kinda hard to tell if they are crappy or not or stand for what I believe in as far as where I want to be.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 36