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User Topic: Today I learned D19 was raped
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

D19 has had been suffering from depression and failed multiple classes this semester. She told WH and I today that she was raped at college last year. She transferred schools this academic year, but didn't tell us the whole reason for her decision. She struggled through this semester, but we had no idea how bad things were or what the root cause was. Today it all came flooding out.

This happened almost a year ago and she only told her doctor, who referred her to a therapist, and a psychiatrist.

She's suffering severe depression and PSTD. She is going to take next semester off and try to get healthy.

I'm heartsick. I need advice as to how to best support her. I understand the PTSD and associated triggers all too well and I learned about a couple of significant triggers today. I'm trying to read as much as I can, but I need my SI friends to hold my hand for a bit while I catch my breath, process this news, and find a way to support her without suffocating her.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Sending SI mojo for healing.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51853 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
jrc1963
Member
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry about your DD.

I really have no advice, but I wanted to send you strength.

I'm sure someone with victim advocacy experience will be along to help soon.


Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 68
DS - 12
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24418 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Oh, honey. (((((DD19)))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24795 | Registered: Aug 2011
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

this happened to me freshman year 23 years ago. I never told anyone until a few days ago. And let me tell you - what a hell of a burden to carry around by yourself.

I think it's awesome that she shared the news of this devastating event with you. Sharing it seems to help kick off the healing process. I know when I finally told someone is when I was finally able to start letting go of the shame and the anger and the hurt and the guilt. I have a ways to go yet; those feelings fester when they're not dealt with.

Hugs to you and your daughter. just be there for her. hug her and hold her hand and do your level best to get her to understand - NOTHING, not a SINGLE PART of what happened, was her fault. She may blame herself for it and she is blameless. It takes that realization to also move forward with healing.

Prayers up for you and yours honey.

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 8:44 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry. I can imagine how sad and overcome with emotion you must be.

It's good that your DD is in treatment. I work for an agency that has rape advocacy and victim services. There are support groups for rape victims and families of rape victims.

Not sure where you're at but try calling 2-1-1 for this information in your area. Or your local Mental Health Association, or even hospital---some of them have services for rape victims.

I am holding you and DD in my thoughts and prayers.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37166 | Registered: Sep 2007
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Thank you all for your kindness. I feel numb. She is out with friends as this bombshell isn't "news" to her. I'm struggling to breathe.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

((ndt d19))

Assure her that you're there for her, whenever she needs you. Let her know that you will help her wtih continued professional help and support her in anyway you can in her healing.

Pretty much just be there for her. Watch for signs of her bottoming out or unhealthy behaviors. Take cues from her about when she may need to talk or be left alone.

I know this hurts your mom heart .


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14832 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Oh ndit I am so sorry. This breaks my heart. As a parent of a DD21 this is beyond chilling for me. It's a huge fear. I remember being that age and having that be one of my biggest fears.

I agree that the fact that she shared this with you is huge and a great step in her healing. Much love to all of you and please let us know how she's doing. We will all be thinking about her and you. ((neverdidithink))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4442 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

I am so sorry to read this.
Like a previous poster, this hits home because I have a DD20 who is away at college.

Sending out lots of healing wishes to your darling girl and your family.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6294 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

I don't have advice, but sending hugs and mojo for you, daughter, and family.

I'm sure others here have been through this and can advise. One thing you could do is see a counselor who specializes in this yourself, to gain an understanding of what would be most helpful to your D. (edit: and of course, ask your D, too!)

I had a friend who had a terrible incident and was being held in a psych ward - before I went to visit her, I called a counselor to learn all I could about the best way to support her through something I had no experience with. It still wasn't adequate, but it gave me a starting point.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 9:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

(((((neverdidithink, DD and family))))

I'm so sorry.

Thankfully she is getting help with this through therapy, could confide in you and take the time she needs now away from the pressures of school.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

(((DD & never)))

I am so sorry. I stuffed down all the emotions after each time I was raped. I'm glad she told you and is getting help. Please hug her for me and remind her that it wasn't her fault.


Posts: 34507 | Registered: Mar 2011
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

(((DD)))


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11545 | Registered: Dec 2009
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

NeverDidIThink,

I am sooooo sorry. I have 3 daughters, it has always been a great fear. I agree with others. Find out from professionals how you can support her healing. Watch for her going sideways.

I think it is awesome that she told you. I think it is probably her way of asking for your help.

((((NDIT and DD))))


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 703 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

I also wanted to add, if this happened at the school or the grounds has it been reported. So many colleges try not to report these and other crimes because they don't want the stats to show just how unsafe their campus might be.

Just an FYI to help for others.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 703 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

I am so sorry for your DD19 and for you. How painful! (((neverdidithink))) (((neverdidithinkDD)))

Yes, the Rape Hotline will be able to give you advice on how to help or to find resources for you to help the victim.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9514 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Crushed1
Member
Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

(((neverdidithink, DD, family))) I'm so sorry that happened to your DD. I hope the therapist will be able to help her get through this horrible trauma!


~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"
~STRENGTH~PEACE~HOPE~FAITH

Posts: 9690 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, January 6th (Monday)

((((ndit)))) ((((DD))))

I'm so sorry that this has happened, to her, and also to you. As parents, we too suffer when our children do (no matter their age).

Like others have said, if you can talk to someone at a rape crisis center they should be able to at least help give you some ideas about what might help and support DD.

Is she seeing a psychiatrist? I ask just because she might need medication along with any other type of therapy she is getting.

She made a good decision to take some time off from school, whether it turns out to be for a semester or longer - it is not easy to predict what her healing time line is going to be. Being treated by a qualified professional might help guide her through this trauma.

Sending lots and lots of hugs, strength and positive, healing thoughts to you all.

((((DD, ndit & family))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2541 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Thank you all.

She did not report the rape to the school and at this point will not name her attacker. I hope that changes in the future, but I'm more concerned with her mental health than outing the scumbag right now.

She has been in IC and seeing a psychatrist for meds. So far she hasn't found the right combo of meds, nor the right IC. Thank you for the suggestion to contact a rape crisis center for a referral. I was planning to call my IC this morning for some recommendations, but going straight to the area of expertise makes way more sense.

I hoping to find an SI-like forum for her as well. I think it would be trmendously helpful for her to be able to interact with others who are dealingwith the same issues. She did go to a couple of support group meetings IRL, but didn't find them helpful...

God, this is hard.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
metamorphisis
Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 6th (Monday)

I'm so sorry neverdidithink. As a mom I just ache for you and your dd. I know it's ridiculous to think their are any positives here, but her coming to you and letting you in on this secret she is carrying around with her is a very good thing. Now you can be on her team and reinforcing that it isn't her fault. That will be so valuable to her.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44287 | Registered: Sep 2006
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Oh what awful for you all.

[hugs]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2050 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 6th (Monday)

(((neverdidithink)))

What a horrible thing to go through as a young woman. But hey there are some positives here. She shared with you what has happened, which will help you help her. She will start to heal now knowing that you all support her.

You also know now the issue behind the depression, and poor academic performance. While this is a horrible awful thing there are many people who have been victims of the same crime, and often do well in life, and become really strong women to overcome this.

She will heal, and you will help her. In the meantime just love her and let her know that nothing she did caused this, and that you are there judgment free.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Never doubt her.
Never judge her.
Never disbelieve her.

Just... Never doubt her.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6084 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Keeping your family in my prayers.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4999 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, January 6th (Monday)

Please gently ask her if she reported it to her school. We take this very seriously and it is federal law that colleges look into it and report numbers.

From Wikipedia:

The law is named for Jeanne Clery, a 19-year-old Lehigh University freshman who was raped and murdered in her campus residence hall in 1986. The backlash against unreported crimes on numerous campuses across the country led to the Jeanne Clery Disclosure of Campus Security Policy and Campus Crime Statistics Act. [2] The Clery Act, signed in 1990, was originally known as the Crime Awareness and Campus Security Act.

We take this incredibly seriously at my Division I school. I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2126 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)

purplejacket4, she did not report it. She chose to transfer and "put it behind her". I would love to see her report it and name her attacker, but she has chosen not to do that and I can't really force the issue.

She doesn't want to discuss the subject and said last night that she regrets telling me becuase I'm treating her differently. 24 hours earlier I learned that my daughter's depression is WAY more serious than she admitted to, that she struggled with suicidal thoughts as she was trying to get through last semester, and that she was raped last year. Yes, I may be a little more protective that I was last week...

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 11:56 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

The rape coupled with the suicidal thoughts, she really should get help. I wish she would turn it in. It might make her feel empowered and as though she's helping prevent other girls from being hurt.

However, I see why she wouldn't. Especially given how our culture still treats victims.

Would she go to a board like SI? There's one I've used that I find helpful, they would encourage IC too.

www.aftersilence.org

(((((NDT and DD)))))
I will be beside myself if my DD goes through something like that. Full on save, protect and attack mode.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11113 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Holly-Isis, she is in IC and seeing a psychiatrist. I know I'd need a whole lot more support than that, but she seems to be unwilling to do much more. She went to a group a few times, but found it *annoying*.

I'm trying hard not to project, but it seems she'd rather rugsweep and that freaks me out.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry for your daughter and for you. I hope that asshole gets flattened by a bus. Like, tomorrow.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6649 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
BrokenRoad
Member
Member # 15334
Helpless  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry neverdidithink.
I can't imagine how heartsick you are for her.
I know I'd be if my DD had gone through this.
I hope now that it's out in the open she can start to feel some healing.
(((neverdidithink & family)))


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10629 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

How horrible. I hope she can find the right mix of help to help her find peace. Sending your family good thoughts


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1611 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

(((Neverdidthink and DD)))
I think you can explain to her that you are acting out of love and you will be protective and maybe over the top right now. As a Mom, you want to try and help, to make things better for her. Then, as hard as it is, I think (and this just my opinion, you know your daughter) you have to back off and let her lead.

That said, this is her walk and her journey and she is going to have to do it at her pace. Sometimes what looks like rug sweeping is processing time. Your daughter is vocalizing what happened, she is seeing a professional for help, she moved home to a safer (mentally at least) environment. Sounds to me like she has done A LOT! To deal with this.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. This is new info for you. It is not for her.

I would say that I think it sounds like you have a very strong daughter and I bet that acorn did not fall far from the tree.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6519 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so sorry.

That happened to one of my friends and after counseling she was able to lead a normal healthy life.

I hope your DD gets the right med combo down asap.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
neverdidithink
Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I think you can explain to her that you are acting out of love and you will be protective and maybe over the top right now. As a Mom, you want to try and help, to make things better for her. Then, as hard as it is, I think (and this just my opinion, you know your daughter) you have to back off and let her lead.
That said, this is her walk and her journey and she is going to have to do it at her pace. Sometimes what looks like rug sweeping is processing time. Your daughter is vocalizing what happened, she is seeing a professional for help, she moved home to a safer (mentally at least) environment. Sounds to me like she has done A LOT! To deal with this.
I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. This is new info for you. It is not for her.

Pentup, you pretty much just summarized the last few days. I'm trying to give her space, but damn, this is hard. I just want to wrap her up and protect her.

I did learn that she told her 25yo step-sister quite a while ago, which made me feel a little better. Of course, SD feels horribly guilty for not telling her dad and I. Lots of reassurance that she did the right thing and lots of appreciation that she was D's "safe place".

Thank you all again, it's so incredibly helpful for me to have a "safe place "as well.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 2:39 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Sending and your family strength to get through this and to find the best course of action for your Daughter's healing.

(((Hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
seekingright2013
Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

(((((Hugs)))))) for your daughter and you. So glad others have chimed in with good advice. I'm so sorry this happened to her. I'm glad she's home and beginning to heal. It's wonderful she has you on her side. **thoughts & prayers**.


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
Junebug0525
Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 10th (Friday)

If you haven't, look into EMDR therapy. It's supposed to be very helpful to those suffering from PTSD. There is also an injection into the neck that has been used to help with PTSD as well. It's called a stellate-ganglion block (SGB). I know it's been used for the military, but not sure if it's available for the civilian sector yet. So sorry you're going through this, and hugs to your daughter.


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1139 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 38