Wayward Side
User Topic: trust and transparency
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

I read a response in some thread somewhere recently from Authenticnow talking about how at a few years out she had asked her H if he trusted her. I was sort of curious as to what my XH's response would be if I asked him that same question.

But then I started thinking: I am fully transparent in my life...the internet, electronic devices, whereabouts, etc. are always open and available to him. Not because I'm trying to prove anything, and not because he's suspicious or has asked for me to be that way, but because I just don't have anything to hide. So I wonder, is it normal that it kind of doesn't matter to me how much he trusts me?

I know it's normal to want to be trusted, especially by an SO. But I never claimed to be normal, , and whether he trusts me or not (or how much he does if at all) isn't really going to affect my behavior---I'm going to continue to be transparent and accountable simply because it's right, not solely to assuage any fears or to prove absence of wrongdoing.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

I think the layman''s definition of integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking. You are not looking for your XH''s trust as some kind of payoff (i.e. outcome) of your authenticity. You are doing it for its own sake. That is not to say you do not care at all if he does not trust. It is just a question of how much you can care when his level of trust is not a deciding factor in how you behave?

My 2nd wxgf was afraid I would cheat. She was utterly convinced it would (and did) happen. That pissed me off. She treated me like crap at the end and it was never, in my mind, a "I would never do that to you" kind of thing. I wanted to set her straight because I do not do that. I don''t. Me. Had nothing to do with her. My fidelity was not based on her so to accuse me of it was an insult to my integrity. We own our integrity. It belongs to us and no one should ever be given the power to decide it for us.

HB0903, you seem to have claimed full ownership of your own integrity. No how much you care about your XH recognizing it considering your attempts to rebuild your relationship...well that is a question to be settled between the two of you as far as I am concerned.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

So I wonder, is it normal that it kind of doesn't matter to me how much he trusts me?

as a formerWW, it doesn't matter to me, This is how I live my life and I have nothing to hide. I absolutely do NOT need privacy. When something comes up that indicates my husband is having a trust issue with me I feel badly for him because what a burden! I know I caused it. The only thing I can do is continue to live transparently.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

It used to matter to me, but not anymore.

FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5980 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)

Would I want my BBF to trust me? HELL YEAH! But, I've come to not worry about it too much. If I continue to be transparent, that trust may be restored on its own. But it may not. I guess at a certain point, I've come to terms with the consequences of my actions. It is what it is, in other words.

If he remains in the "trust, but verify" state, that'd still be great, because I have nothing to hide from him and he can be at ease if he ever checks through my stuff.

Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."

Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I WANT my BF to trust me, but no matter how transparent I am, I cant MAKE him, so i've come not not worry about it so much, because I know for myself that I'm doing everything that I can to be transparent.

if he is feeling doubtful of me, which he has the right to, I often tell him that I'm sorry that he feels that way, but I dont know how to make him feel better about it, because everything is on the table for him to examine, its his choice whether he believes it or not.

Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo

Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the replies.

In thinking about it this way, I would guess that in the case of a remorseful and reformed WS, trust might be more important to the BS so that they don't have to feel like a policeman for the rest of their lives when dealing with their spouse. That must be nerve-wracking and exhausting. For the fWS who is living right, they can do that whether trusted or not.

Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Topic Posts: 7