Member # 27544
| Posted: 12:14 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
Not sure why this popped into my head today, but it's got me all fired up... I'm angry all over again.
Before I had proof of his cheating, I did confront because I was suspicious.
At one point in time, I asked him to look me in the eyes and swear on the life of his uncle (someone he greatly looked up to and was very close to) that he hadn't slept with OW. He looked at me and said "Whalers, I swear on the life of (uncle's name) I never slept with OW."
I didn't know it then, but he was playing the semantics game with me. He had fucked her multiple times by then, but he was never away from home overnight...so he never had closed his eyes and fell asleep next to her. So despite the fact we both knew what I meant by "sleep with" he decided to take it literally and therefore, he didn't technically lie about it.
I don't for one second doubt he would have lied anyway even if I had worded the question differently. But he knew I would believe him if he swore on his uncle, because he's always been honest when he's done that.
I still very clearly remember the look, tone of his voice, mannerisms during the conversation. I let it go, but I think that was the point where I really started to feel like he was behaving like a stranger.
It was the first of many, many lies as answers to direct questions. Just glad that's not my life anymore.
Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.
Posts: 2181 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 24416
| Posted: 12:18 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
My WH pinky promised me and also swore on our son's life.
"sleep with" how ridiculous. He knew what you meant.
2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.
Posts: 1628 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 26928
| Posted: 12:21 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
XWH was a semantics jockey too.
I learned over years of his idiot behavior to be VERY specific with my questions in order to get a half decent response.
Then of course he just outright lied instead.
ETA: One example of his semantics games:
"I worked late"
Translation: I worked 5 minutes over, then went to OW's house for the other 2 hours.
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 12:22 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]
Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.
Posts: 6111 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Member # 40996
| Posted: 12:23 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
Oh yes, I get this as well. Most recently...
WS: I didn't lie, I haven't contacted him
ME: You sent him this text message?!?!?
WS: Yeah, but he never responded
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Posts: 504 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Member # 38958
| Posted: 12:29 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
My fWH tried to play word games with me once. Shortly after D-Day, when I was still in discovery mode, I asked if he had taken OW on any trips (business or otherwise) with him. He initially answered no but had an odd look on his face. After some further questioning, he said that he had not taken her on a business trip, but on two occasions, she had shown up at the airport with a ticket for the same flight he was on. She had paid for her own ticket and she had planned it as a surprise. So in his deluded mind, he had not "taken" her on any trips although he had paid for her meals and she had stayed in his hotel room.
Needless to say, I blasted him. He knew exactly what I was asking. I also clearly stated that if he was going to play word games and not answer questions honestly, completely and fully, I would file and he could answer the same questions in the discovery process, under oath, with counsel and myself present and a court reporter transcribing his answers. He (as far as I know) has not played word games with me since.
I believe that it is this type of thinking that allows waywards to justify their own actions to themselves and allow them to continue with their A. By making inconsequential distinctions about what happened, allows them to tell themselves that what they are doing is not as bad as it seems and to avoid the realization that there are real consequences to their acts.
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."
Posts: 356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 40720
| Posted: 1:21 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
I think this is just another way of blame shifting. Now it is our job to ask the right/specific question to get the truth rather than them being honest. It is crazy making.
ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
Posts: 277 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Member # 41891
| Posted: 1:58 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
In the first few days after D-day, mine tried this as well. I was astonished that she left me home with our D to go "Xmas shopping" and hook up in his car. Astonished that she could look me (and her daughter) in the eye and lie so coldly. Her initial response, (which, to her credit, she quickly took back and apologized sincerely for) was, "but I did go shopping." As in, she did both, so it wasn't a lie..
That was the only time in this entire fiasco I felt angry enough to actually hurt someone. I didn't, thank God, but I could not believe she was playing semantics in those first agonizing days.
Me: BH, 50
Her: WW, 50
D-Day 12/27/2013 3-month PA with family friend
Me: WH, 50
Her: BW, 50
D-day: 12/27/2013 (about A that happened 14-15 years ago w/coworker)
Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern California
Member # 38988
| Posted: 2:03 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
I asked my WH 10days before DDay if there was someone else he was interested in or seeing and he looked me in the eye and swore on our childrens lives there wasn't. Now he wonders why I am having such a hard time learning to trust him again.
Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas
Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 40488
| Posted: 2:26 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
Oh yes they seem to be so good at saying certain words to have exits. But I am too smart for that since I throw the words back and then play his game better. He hates it and starts telling me I'm playing with words.
Unfortunately it really gets us no where..
Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore
Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40699
| Posted: 2:36 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
Oh goodness yes, it's all about what you ask! Forever he would just blurt out "I never physically or emotionally cheated!" I guess he thought he was telling the truth because there were no emotions and only sex is being physical. He wasn't cheating according to his definition so there was nothing to tell!
Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."
Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 30817
| Posted: 2:45 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
Yes, I recall asking questions with every conceivable twist to them, to ensure he wasn't word-smithing his way out. The good part, is he isn't very good with words. But it was very scary nonetheless. He certainly lied to me in the early days after dday.
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi
Posts: 6311 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 28156
| Posted: 2:45 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
this was exhausting. I would have to ask the same question 8 different ways. ANd when I would confront him about his semantics, he would say "What?". This was a large part of causing my crazy. It was munipulation.
I finally would offer one chance, one question at a time, and if he didnt answer like an adult, I would walk away. I was done.
He could have answered these questions. He was stalling, hoping I would give up in frustration. It became a childish battle of wills. It was a game I was not up for, infidelity is soul crushing. I could not continue this.
I have been married now, for 30 yrs. It took this experience for me to see how munipulative my H is. I think it worsened with the fear of divorce. But looking back at history, I think he was munipulative when he chose to be. Not often, just when it suited him. I was not aware. Its not attractive.
a trigger yesterday
Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Member # 32554
| Posted: 2:50 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
My ex (oh how I love being able to call him my ex!) swore on his mother's grave, on our children's lives, and would scream for God to strike him dead/lightning to strike him dead if he was lying. Riiiiiiiiiiiight...
Me: You reek of perfume. It's so strong my eyes are burning.
Kids: Yeah, Dad! You smell!
Ex: No I don't!
Me +3: YES YOU DO!
Ex: Well, there was this one woman at my meeting who sat too close to me. Maybe my clothes absorbed her perfume.
Me: Oh please, am I that stupid now?
Ex runs upstairs & jumps in shower fully clothed...
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
Posts: 9319 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 18814
| Posted: 2:57 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
Semantics is merely a tool in a manipulative person's arsenal. Redirection is another, so is blame-shifting, so is self-pity, etc.
Been there, done that. In my case, I never let it up on my FWH. When he said he wanted to commit suicide, I told him that's a selfish action just like adultery, plus all the money in life insurance, the kids won't even have cause you're that selfish. When he keeps blabbing about how he was lied to by one of the OW is, trying to bond by mutual hatred with OW, I say, well you fell for it. When I tell him that he's not being completely honest and he redirects by how I was not honest in a certain situation, I tell him that he's being manipulative by redirecting me and not answering the question.
Every now and then he catches himself and I think since all the work and current work we're doing in R, he's realized how his charming self can be very manipulative and self-serving. He's sometimes gone to the extent where he's brutally honest because he's afraid to be that person that he was before.
I'm sorry that your wayward didn't learn to grow up and be a better person.
All I can say is I understand your experience!
Love is a choice.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 41340
| Posted: 4:54 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)|
Totally understand the semantics game! I've seen my WH do it to other people quite a few times! So when he said "I can assure you I am not seeing someone else right now"- my interpretation of course was..... It's just the 2 of us in this room right now so no I am not seeing anyone else at this VERY moment! Of course I believe nothing that comes out of his mouth at this time.
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)
"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 36474
| Posted: 5:24 PM, January 10th (Friday)|
Mine should have been a lawyer.
I hate semantics!
Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.
I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.
Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
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