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Reconciliation
User Topic: "Flash crying"?
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I get "spontaneous crying"....done that, get where that is coming from. Duration of 2-10 minutes.

Past couple of weeks I have cried in a different way. No discernable trigger , just like "spontaneous crying" but differs in that it lasts only 5-30 seconds.

Is this normal or an emotional way of rug-sweeping?


It has been a few months since I cried for more than 10 minutes.

I, obviously, hope this is growth...me maturely processing through pain.....but am open to the fact that it could be something less healthy.


Ideas?


God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

My DDay is more recent than yours so I don't have any "answers" but I will say... If you're feeling it, it's probably normal and healthy. Perhaps it's like a pressure relief valve, when things get to intense the valve opens and releases some steam and then snaps shut again.

I think it would be unhealthy if that was the only way you expressed but that doesn't seem to be the case.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

You're not alone. It happens to me. It has gotten better, but this morning dropping my child off at school it happened. Came home and was crying in front of my spouse. Sobbing for the loss of what we had. Sobbing for the misery I've been through. Sobbing because the present is not as good as it should be. However, it did come spontaneously.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I was explaining this to fWH just last night. Sometimes, I just need to cry for a minute. I got it a lot about 6 months in after dday1. My wh used to get angry... he doesn't anymore. But kind of pushed me (not physically) because he thought I was holding back...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the responses.

Just to clarify .... What I am experiencing lasts less than 30 seconds.

A visual referrence would be in the movie "Love Actually". Liam Neesom plays a man that lost his wife to a disease. In this scene he is talking with his sister....about normal life stuff....and he just instantly starts crying. Less than 30 seconds, but you can see it is an intense 30 seconds.

This is why I am hopeful it is healthy grieving and not unhealthy rug-sweeping.

Yep, using a Hollywood movie to tell me I'm normal!!!!


Peace


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

TJ/
I used to love that movie, H and I watched every Christmas eve while we wrapped presents. This year... I was afraid to even try. So many potential triggers. How did I not really notice all the A stuff before? I felt angry at H for taking that movie away from me.
/TJ


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
inthedark14
Member
Member # 41924
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I'm 2weeks out from d day and I thinks it's TOTALY normal I cry for no reason(well we all have good reason). But with no triggers while folding laundry washing dishes anything , and it's just for a few seconds then I'm done, glad to kno I'm not the only one


WH: 39/BW:Me,32
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life

"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: santa rosa ca
inthedark14
Member
Member # 41924
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I'm 2weeks out from d day and I thinks it's TOTALY normal I cry for no reason(well we all have good reason). But with no triggers while folding laundry washing dishes anything , and it's just for a few seconds then I'm done, glad to kno I'm not the only one


WH: 39/BW:Me,32
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life

"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: santa rosa ca
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Blakesteele-
I'd see if you can reconstruct what you were thinking right before it happens. There may be a trigger - maybe not.

Most of my crying is short like that (I can't imagine crying for 10 minutes!!), but I usually have a thought precede it.

Like, (while driving) "last time this year the affair hadn't even started --" (eyes well up thinking of my innocent self.) Sniff.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Cool....appears to be normal, healthy, part of this trial. Thanks!

Morhurt...never worry about t/j my posts...I sincerely like how a post can grow on its own!

With regards to Love Actually....We love this movie too. My wifes favorite Christmas movie, my close second (Christmas Vacation is my first!)....hasn't changed for us.

What HAS changed for us is the meaning of the various sub-plot-relationships in this movie.

Before I start that thought....this is my second Christmas since DD....the first one was really tough watching this movie.


Wife and I have discussed this movie since her A.

Their are a number of triggers in it because there are a number of affair and affair-like relationships in it.

The PA and deal-breaker A was the writer who forgot something at home while leaving on a trip, doubled back, and found his wife getting ready to fuck his brother. D was the result.

The EA was the boss and his secretary. Doubt it got to the PA but it was headed that way quickly. We feel this is a couple who is going through what we are going through....learning to R. I feel they did a separation and were getting back together the following Christmas.

Another EA was the single man who liked his best friends GF, but never told her about it till after their wedding. Not sure it was an EA because the girl in this relationship actually thought the boy was not interested....don't think she had a real part in that relationship.

How I, we view this differently NOW is that this is a relationship movie.....really well done and captured the many various types of relationships....Love actually is many different choices.....not a one size fits all.

I am not contending adultery involve healthy love.....but the results from it can be varied in how we choose TO love.

If it is a deal breaker....maybe this is you choosing to love yourself.

If it is a door way to R a marriage....maybe this is both original spouse choosing to love each other in new and different ways.

Good movie....but totally get why you don't watch it Morhurt.


I am grateful for the tact the writers and director took in making this movie.

I believe they understood what love actually.....is. At least they understood it better than I did.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Thanks for the thoughtful response Blake, I hope that next Christmas we can "reclaim" it. In fact I hope we can reclaim Christmas all around!

Last year was during A time (but before DDAY) AND all four of our kids had the chicken pox through Dec and into January, two had it severely on Christmas. This year was hard for the obvious reasons as well as the fact that our 8yr old had surgery on Dec 3 and was still experiencing quite a bit of pain by the 25th. :(

Anyway, I can honestly say that I wasn't sorry to say goodbye to the Jolly Season, I really hope next year is just plain boring!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Your welcome Morhurt.


I also want to recognize they NEVER did the lame plot that some romantic movies take.....displaying adultery in a cute light because two married people simply married the wrong person, then met their "true soul mates".

F those movies!

Morhurt.... I don't know if you will ever want to watch Love Actually again or not....but I got a good feeling next Christmas you and Mr Morhurt will be in a much improved spot....think it will far surpass your low-expectations of "boring"!

I have seen your posts....am following your journey. While not part of my original "brat pack" due to your later "start date"...I see you gaining momentum and growing faster than I did at your time out from DD.

Keep it up!!!

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:38 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Blake, I only vaguely remembered that Liam crying scene but the movie came on over night last night (insomnia is the balance to nightmares, I guess) and I noticed it.

I have also started the second year of post-A life. The sadness is deeper for me now, but less raw. I still cry every day, but sometimes it's tearing up more than wracking sobs. Still unpredictable though. I'm feeling more control over the crying when it starts up. But not having control over when the emotion hits me. That's random. I could understand if there was some trigger or during a conversation with WH. Maybe there is a very suble trigger? Maybe I just see something (a couple or family) that's happy. I feel so different from the happy people I see now that it in itself is triggery.
I don't know, but that's what I've come up with. I think it's normal, and hopefully a sign of forward movement in healing.

Back to scour the Internet for that time machine.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

I did this weeping for the first two years several times a week. I think our emotions are so close to the surface after this trauma that the sadness just breaks through. It still happens on occasion and I think it's is because everything seems so bittersweet now.

As for 'Love, Actually'-we both used to enjoy this movie. Just prior to Dday, I was watching it and my WH walked into the room. I invited him to watch and he refused. The moment he walked in was the moment when Emma Thompson has her Dday. I can't watch this movie to this day because he stood there watching that scene, knew what he was doing and walked out of the room. So sad.


Posts: 722 | Registered: Aug 2011
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Thanks BlakeSteele, I hope you're right (about next Xmas). As for momentum, yes, we're doing remarkably well. No rug sweeping, lots of close convo (when we can find time, surgeries, sick kids etc) many new strategies etc but of course I worry.

We both have a tendency to, I don't know... try for the gold star? I mean, I feel the positive changes in myself, I see them in H and yet I occasionally panic thinking one or both of us is doing it to impress the IC.

Have I mentioned that my mind can be my worst enemy? That it works triple time ALL the time?

Thanks for the support. :)


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Boy, I HOPE it's healing! No need to say why, right?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10341 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I get this in the car for some reason. Not helpful for driving!

Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Songs on the radio get me while driving. The kids and I made a drive to Illinois over break, and the song "Say Something" by A Great Big World and Christina Aguillara came on... Phew... I almost pulled over. It was like I got kicked in the stomach. Thankfully, my son was preoccupied with his phone, and the girls were in the backseat, and none of them saw the tears.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I get this in the car for some reason. Not helpful for driving!

Same here...at 29 months past D day. I think it's because it is the only time I really stop doing things and of course being alone...the mind starts to wander whether you want it to or not.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Come to think of it....flash crying has ONLY occurred when I am "still".

Not long walks in nature or meditation still.....just minutes of no activity.

Driving, switching gears at work, drying off from a shower but before shaving.

I think it is healthy. No trigger to be found....just a time when my mind is idle.

Don't think it is a "pressure release" thing....maybe not even a "processing thing".....just an involuntary response to the trial.

I think it is beneficial and healthy.....just so foreign to me. But most of this trial IS foreign to me....at first.

Amazing what one can grow into......

Thanks guys!

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:48 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
RegretfulHusband
Member
Member # 41873
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Same for me, struggling. Regarding Love Actually.


Me: FWH, 34
Her: BS, 33
Married: 6 years
Together: 10+ years
Kids: 2 Boys under 5

DDay1: 7+ years ago
DDay2: 1.5 years ago

"The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable."


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 21