Just Found Out
User Topic: Punched in the stomach
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I never thought I'd be posting to a website like this. My whole world collapsed on Jan. 4 when I found emails and an online profile on my husband's phone. It's gotten worse everyday now, and as of last night he confessed everything. He has been the love of my life and I thought I was his. We've been together since I was 17, married at 26, and I'm now 52.
It was bad enough when he admitted to seeing a couple of prostitutes (he travels with his job) Then when I said "Couldn't you have at least found a nice girl?" he admitted to an affair with some schoolteacher. He was seeing her from May 2012 until she broke up with him in April of 2013. All this during the same time he took me to Vegas to celebrate our 25th anniversary. All the while I was taking care of my dying mother. All the while I was grieving and feeling such loss he was finding consolation with the schoolteacher.
All the while I was taking care of my mother's estate and dealing with the heartache of 2 of 4 sisters not speaking to each other.

I finally thought my life would get back to normal in 2014, and now this. I have no one to talk to except you people. I have no where to turn and no idea what to do. I'm angry, fearful and inconsolable.
I feel like I've been punched in the gut and I feel physically sick.
I have no idea how to proceed, whether to forgive, whether to leave,
This morning he left to go to the city where the schoolteacher and prostitutes are. I don't know if he has business there, or if he just left. I don't know if he'll come back. I don't know if we could ever recover from this. I'm lost and feel like a deer in the headlights.
I don't know how to proceed.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

So sorry you are here.

You are way to early to worry about how to proceed. You are, as I was, in shock. Take care of yourself, eat, drink water, try to sleep.

You are not alone.

D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I agree it is too early to make decision. Right now you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Get enough rest, get plenty of fluids. You have been spending so much time taking care of others and now you need to focus on yourself.

Do not try to contact him. I would get to the doctor and get yourself tested for stds immediately.

Please go to the Healing Library and read, read, read. And post here often. Write down your thoughts, feelings. Your head is spinning and before you can do anything you have to get your feet under you.

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself here.

I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.

Posts: 5650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Do NOT try to nice him back. It only lowers your self-esteem and he will lose respect for you and realize he has no consequences as you are doing everything to have him stay.

IMHO, he left, so don't answer his phone calls, if he calls. Don't try to draw him out on where he stands. Let him do all the work. If he wants you he will break down the doors to get to you. If not you have a idea of his state of mind. Not a pretty picture, but wait it out.

What I have suggested is very HARD to do. We all know that. 180 him (you will find the definition in the yellow info on left of your screen). Be strong, know you aren't alone, and that all of us are here to support you 24/7.

BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time." Bionical girl

Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

I guess I'm lucky, now that I've read the 180 approach, I already had that started. Now I feel like I have a better road map here. I am strong and independent. I won't need his phone call any time soon.

I am also luckier than many on this website. We never had children. So I haven't that to worry about. The sad part was that we always had each other.

I got suspicious between Christmas and New Year's when he was checking his phone constantly. I hacked into it the first opportunity I got and took photos of the pages with my iPad. That's how I was able to confront him. Although it took two days for the whole truth to come out. I'll say one thing about my H, he's always been a terrible liar and a good confessor.

Tonight was the night he was going to set up a date. I asked him to cancel it and show me proof - which he did. However, I'm under no illusion that he may have found another date. His activity on email has shown me that his behavior hasn't stopped. ( hacked that too)

I personally took his profile off the website he was on. (Hacked that)
He changed the password and I figured it out about the 2nd try. So I can watch that too. What a fool, did he not think I know him almost as good as myself?

Our dog doesn't know what to make of the chaos. But at least I have him to hug tonight. I never realized how tough it was to get through a day meeting clients and having to deal with all of this.

Thus the user name: mhiimg65." My heart is in my gut" and 65 was a special number for both of us. I guess that's been trumped by 69:)

Thanks all for your words.. I think I'll go cry now.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Great idea!!! Question is.. him or me:)

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

As difficult as this is you need to be proactive. Do not sit around waiting for him to make the next move.

The fact that he was out with another woman, when you were dealing with a sick mother is unforgivable in my opinion. Personally, i would not hesitate to move on and find someone that actually loved me.

At the very least you should consult a lawyer to see what you can do. Call your friends and confide in them - you have nothing to be ashamed about.

Do you know the identity of the schoolteacher?

Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

First, I'm so sorry you're here. There's nothing like the shock you get with this.

If I'm reading this right, he set out to cheat on purpose - by having a profile. On top of that, as soon as you're on to him he continues it and tries to keep you shut out of his electronic things. Then he screws off with no word to the wiser.

Sister, I'd be changing the locks (or adding one if you can't legally change them) and hefty bagging his stuff. Even if you don't end up leaving him, it's time to put your foot down hard and fast. Take no prisoners. If there is any hope (if you decide that is what you want) he has to realize that he will have severe and immediate consequences for his actions.

Lawyer up - you need to know how to protect yourself. Also, if lawyers are at a premium in your town, it is a way to get an 'in'. Once a lawyer has consulted you, they cannot then go and take your WH as a client. It works the same in keep yourself safe.

Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Tonight was the night he was going to set up a date. I asked him to cancel it and show me proof - which he did. However, I'm under no illusion that he may have found another date. His activity on email has shown me that his behavior hasn't stopped. ( hacked that too)

I personally took his profile off the website he was on. (Hacked that). He changed the password and I figured it out about the 2nd try. So I can watch that too. What a fool, did he not think I know him almost as good as myself?

Your husband is an unrepentant, unremoreseful serial cheater.

You've just spent TWO DAYS together, having your heart ripped outby his confessions about his continued serial cheating escapades with working girls and school teachers and anyone else he could lure in with his sex hookup profile.

He OBVIOUSLY knows you've been devastated and traumatized to your very core by his continued betrayals and he no doubt saw the horrific pain he's caused you over these last two days as you've hashed things out.

Are you saying that he's STILL going ahead with his plans to have sex today with someone he's been in touch with????


Anyone who can watch the supposed love his life bleeding in pain on the floor in front of him and then go engage in disgusting behavior like this is a sociopath.

Get to a lawyer.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1811 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

As this fog is beginning to lift...I am seeing the writing on the wall.
As I look back on these last few days, I'm realizing so many things.
It wasn't 4 hours after our initial confrontation, he was asking someone for pictures. I guess that is not a man who is at all sorry for anything he's done.

My resolve strengthens and I refuse to let him take me down with him. It's simple, I will protect myself and he will either stop all of this or spend the rest of his life in his dark demented state of mind and body. Because very simply put, it is all or nothing. There will be no compromise. Thanks for everyone's imput. I will take care of myself.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

((((Mhiimg))). I'm so sorry you had to find your way here.

My story is somewhat similar to yours in that my WH had online profiles at several affair sites and had sex with one of those girls AND a LTA with another he met on Craigslist----all while I was helping my mom, who had just been diagnosed with late stage cancer.

My first D-Day led to a false R, bc I barely knew anything (thought I'd discovered an online EA only). During those 3 weeks, he was still active on his affair site, though he didn't meet anyone.

Once real D-Day hit, he stopped everything. I feel like I've seen true remorse, much of the time. But of course I can't ever know if he's telling me the whole truth or not.

At any rate, I agree that taking care of yourself and your needs right now is most important. He deserves none of your consideration so long as he is still engaging in cheating behavior.


Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry we have this in common. As I'm wrapping my head around all of this, I've realized over the years I had tolerated a few "toys" and entertainment for himself. Is that how this escalated?

Right now I'm happy he is not here. My anger is so high. I can't believe he's still contacting woman. I guess he really would rather have a whore. Well it looks like he may get his dream.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Getting to Happy
Member # 35200
Angry  Posted: 12:44 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Please go file and have him served. Give him his walking papers.

It is one (very bad) thing to cheat, lie and fuck around. It is quite another (very disrespectful) thing to do it out in the open.

He has clearly shown you what he thinks of you and your marriage. Believe Him.

What a douche'!


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

You are in shock. No time to worry about the future right now. You have time. Read over the Tactical Primer thread and the 180D plan. Take note of them. You may be too weak to imement them right now.

Focus on you pleade until you build strength. Eat, sleep, and manage any panic and/or anxiety, if any.

Mainly dont beg or plead.

Spend time in the healing library.

Go to your primary and secondary support group. Family and very close friends.

Check in with us. We have been throught it.

Im so sorry. I truly am. That was a very lengthy betrayal.

Your going to obsess. Its normal, dont fight it, but but dont let detail consume you like they did me.

Like someone told me when I first found out and in peices... "It will pass." I promise. It will be slow, but you will get better. No limbo please. Initiate the 180D as soon as you're strong enough.

Hugs for you

BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so so sorry. I really feel for you. I remember the pain, shock, and yes - the feeling of being punched in the stomach. It was 8 mos ago but sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. From your few posts I can see that you're a strong independent woman. Yes, have a good cry, but also take good care of yourself. My decision was to file for D from my WH. It was final 3 days ago, and I'm moving on with my life. But only you can decide what's right for you. Be smart and get some good legal advice. This site has helped me a lot. Take care.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
New Member
Member # 41921
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I feel your pain--the pain of being with not only a cheater, but a serial cheater who does it during times of incredible hardship.
My WH was too busy having a date with OW to even bother to call me after I had heart surgery. Finally when I tracked him down and asked why he didnt call, he ended up yelling at me for being upset, and making me cry hysterically, while I'm in the hospital after HEART SURGERY that I had a 40% chance of dying from. He then hung up on me and refused to answer my calls or call me back for a day.
I wonder if something is actually off in their brain that makes them lack any empathy. He left me and never came back. (Or hasn't as of yet, he's been MIA since may).
It is unforgivable. Don't wait and wonder where he is, I did that for 6 months and it will drive you crazy. He has cheated repeatedly. With no remorse. Get a lawyer, because it doesn't seem like he'll get better.

Me: 31
WH: 34
OW: 35
Married 3 years, together 7.
D Day 1: Nov 5. 2012
D day 2: May 4. 2013

"This is a story you won't tell the kids we'll never have. Congratulations to you both I hope someway you're happy..."

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Presently in h(-ll
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I was completely blindsided like this in August. It was like a nightmare I could not wake up from. I was in shock. I never, ever would have thought my H could do something like this to me. I thought we were solid, we were best friends, soul mates, even if we did have some regular married for 15 years type problems…nothing major nothing big, mostly just not enough sex for him because of busy schedules and little kids.

Take care of yourself. Talk to your friends, your family, get a really good therapist. SI is super helpful.

My soon to be x had a long term affair with some whore he met on Ashley Madison, then he "feel in love" with her. Gross. Deal breaker. All the love I may have had for him drained out of me. He was not who I though he was. He is a coward, a fraud, lier, cheater, weasel and epic fucking douchebag (excuse my french.)

I will say, in the very beginning of finding out I may have considered trying to make it work. If the affair had been shorter and he confessed in way that wasn't about him having to unburden himself and had shown real remorse and showed me he was committed to the marriage and family and was licking my toes….maybe I would have tried to reconcile for the sake of the kids. But, for me, it was more or less dealbreaker and then I found out way more stuff that makes me SICK and I would rather stick a hot poker in my eye than reconcile now.

You will find your own way. you will figure it out. But in the meantime CRICKETS. Do not speak to him, do not email, text, Facebook. Shut it all down. You are in survival mode. Any talking to him will drive you crazy. He will say crazy shit, blame you, not tell you stuff, make you insane and mad and sad and nothing good will come of it. Anything decent he wants to say can wait while you grieve and process this. Do not talk to him. It will drive him crazy and it will keep him from making you crazy. CRICKETS saved me. USE THEM>

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

sleepless - what does "crickets" mean? I see it occasionally, and I can't figure it out ...

BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

It means the only sound WH hears from you is crickets chirping (I think). You make no response to his bait.

I'm really sorry.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

You sound like a very strong woman. This is good and will help you greatly in the roller coaster ride of emotions that is to come. It is a hellish ride but there is sun shining on the other side, just hold on tight and the love of your family and friends, and SI, will get you through it.

Me (BS) 40 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 41
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so sorry you are having to go through this, but please, don't make any permanent decisions yet or for quite some time really. Tell yourself you will give it a year. Then get some good books to help you with this. "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass helped me a lot. There is a "Book Club" forum on this site that should help and there is lots of stuff in the healing library.

Everything you said, about what you were doing while he was cheating, the trip to Vegas, taking care of your mom, etc., all feel like such betrayals and they are, but all of us have had to deal with those betrayals and many of us are still together.

First you need to know you are not alone. Looke at your member number. That is how many people that are on this site alone. This happens in good marriages, solid marriages, marriages that you never thought that it would.
It does though and we are left to deal with it.

The pain you are feeling now will get better. It will take time, but it will get better. Keep posting, find someone you can talk to, limit the number of people you tell, and get ready for the roller-coaster ride of your life. Hugs.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, January 9th (Thursday)


My only advice is to let the dust settle before you start making big, permanent decisions. This whirlwind state is not a good place to make important decisions from.

I'm so sorry you're here.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Thanks to all of you. I'm hearing what you are saying. I'm, as of today, totally realizing the man I have loved and lived with as best friend is nothing but a "dude" looking for a hookup. Apparently he lacks intimacy in his life according to all of his online profiles. Can't wait till tomorrow, he comes home. I'm not ready for this but I've got to go with my heart, which is saying, pack his bags, and put him out the side of the road.
How does one spend 26 years of marriage and not know the the last two years he has been on the prowl for "something else" .

I know the marriage is 50-50 problems but the affair is all his. Since I confronted, he has shown very little remorse. And In fact, tonight emailed that he "has an addiction" and shouldn't I understand that? No... I don't. This is all his doing.

Our confrontation was Jan 4th . In five days he has responded to at least 5 woman. This is sick, right?

New Mantra: You were my best friend. Now you're someone I used to know.

" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, January 10th (Friday)

You are strong. I can see that. You need to be.

You have seen what he is capable of. It is sociopathic and he isn't even trying to stop what he's doing. He is carrying on and thinks you will put up with it.

You know what you have to do.

I am so sorry you are with us.

hugs to you

Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 721 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 25