Wayward Side
User Topic: Too slow
Member # 41583
Stop  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

Do you ever get the impression that you aren't trying "hard enough," or working on yourself "fast enough ," or remembering years of actions "well enough?"

I can't tell if it's just my inner voice (always tells me I'm not enough) or if I'm actually hearing what BH has said. I know he wants more detail (specific dates for example). I don't recall specific dates.

On DDay I was very honest and clear that I wasn't sure about the timing of everything. It doesn't matter that I admitted the failure. It's a problem. Tonight I was told that he's done if what I think is correct is not.

He's running out of patience. I'm genuinely trying, but apparently trying just isn't going to cut it. Maybe I'm married to Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try."

I'm never going to be enough. I will never be able to do enough. No progress will be good enough.

[This message edited by Wayflost at 8:51 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 428 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)


Trying is always a good thing, never stop trying your best and becoming a better person. Actions to back up your words can go along way too

It can be a lonely road rectifying our wrongs but don't get discouraged because in the end, it's worth it all

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198445 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

DS, I want so desperately to believe that. But right now every action, every failed attempt, every admission of what I do or don't remember... I want to be better for me. But my efforts to date have not seemed to make any difference.

If I had DDay to redo I would have done the second one first. It wouldn't change the current state of things, but at least I would have gotten something right.

Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 428 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:26 PM, January 8th (Wednesday)]

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

When my drinking got really bad I was in a very bad place and making very bad choices.

I think a lot of us posting in the wayward forum are broken and it takes time to get ourselves better.

Even when I was 3 months sober I was still struggling and still working on trying to change myself. I had to change people, places and things. I had to change my thinking. Not easy at my age. It comes slowly and all you can do is keep trying and working on yourself.

We don't get this way overnight and there is no way we are going to get better overnight.

I have been sober for a year and half how and my life is so much different than it was. However, this definatly didn't happen overnight and I still have lots I have to work on.

One day at a time also works for other situations too. All you need to do is get thru today. Each day that passes gets just a tiny bit better. Progress is gradual and you are fresh into this.

“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
Member # 32590
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Lilypad is right. You must take this one day at a time. Sometimes it can even be one moment at a time specially when we feel that nothing is going right and that we are in a deep hole that we can never get out of. My BS has told me that I have not done anything and that she wants to leave me. My first reaction was to defend myself then I felt hopeless and helpless. I needed to tell her that I was sorry for all the trouble and suffering I caused her and that I am making amends. Our BS wants something in the moment specially when they are in deep pain. They want an acknowledgement of their suffering from us and not our self pity and guilt. This is so hard to separate - true remorse from self-pity specially when they are expressing their anger at us. Please be brave and trust in your good intention and accept and acknowledge his anger and hurt without being defensive. Let him know you are sorry. Please avoid self-pity. It will just stop you from healing your marriage. Here is a prayer that has helped me and is probably known to some of the waywards. I offer it to you:

God grant me
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can; and
The wisdom to know the difference,
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as you did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have;
Trusting that you will make all things right
if I surrender to your will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

You will get through this.

WH 60
BS 50
No Children
Together 17 years
Married 7/21/2001
D-day 03/01/2011

Posts: 313 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 4:02 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Wayflost, important question and I often feel the same but unfortunately, sorry to say this, it is a real possibility that it may NEVER be enough for your BS.

We did this, we made these horrible, destructive choices and where it goes from here is up in the air. The sooner you accept that your BS's process and decisions are out of your control, the better off you'll be.

That being said, what can you do NOW? You can put every ounce of effort into taking care of your BS. EVERY EFFORT.

There will never be an acknowledgment from your BS that you are trying. It just won't happen because they don't trust us, they don't trust our words, they don't trust our actions. There is no "thanks" coming from them despite how much we hope to hear it. This is why it takes so long BUT the effort you do TODAY will have a positive impact months from now - and it will feel good.

My BS doesn't need to wonder where I am today, because I installed a GPS tracker on my phone.

My BS doesn't need to worry who I am emailing with because she has open access to my account.

MY BS doesn't need to wonder what is in my crazy mind, because she has access to my journal IF she wants to read it.

My BS doesn't need to worry if I am playing games with money, hiding things with cash, because I turned over all access to her.

My BS doesn't need to question if I am becoming a different person as the fog continues to lift because she can SEE my behavior with the children.

On and on it goes and the tiny wins I have today with my BS are because of actions I took over 2 months ago. And IF there are to be more wins in the future it will because of the consistent actions I am taking today to further reinforce her that I am trying, I am here for the long haul, I am transparent in all actions, and I regret the suffering I put on her.

Sorry for the diatribe, but this is a long, long process and I keep trying to remind myself that it takes two years for the BS to even see the light at the end of the tunnel...for me, that means we are barely 10% along on the journey. That means there is a LOT of work to be done.

Good luck on your roadmap.

WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Thanks guys. It's not the work that has me daunted. I have to do it no matter what happens in my M. The person who I've been during the last two years is not the person I want to be. Not ever again.

I want to like the person I see in the mirror. I don't, I actually never did. I don't have any self esteem, this is something I came to through IC. I've battled with depression and anxiety my entire life because of it. I have never believed that I deserved happiness. Wanted it, strived for it, but didn't believe in my right to have it.

Knowing that my chances of failure outweigh my chances of success (statistically) is very hard to come to terms with. Hopelessness about my prospects of getting through this WITH my BH... sometimes it's overwhelming. That was the case tonight.

I resigned from my job, gave my two weeks, and finally got confirmation from my boss that he had received it. I made him and my supervisor uncomfortable by bursting into tears when they spoke to me. I cried when I spoke with anyone about it. It's been a rough day. I don't resent it, but I am sad about it.

Then BH and I begin a conversation, it goes no where quickly. We agree to talk more when we are not at work. I was careful, felt myself losing my temper and so I walked away. Caught myself, went back and calmly stated that I was taking some time to calm my temper. Yeah... that boundary was not respected. Text after text, derisive comment after derisive comment. Meanwhile I'm trying to find the answer to the questions he was asking.

Again, this lead to hopelessness. I have the clear impression that I am not working fast/hard/diligently enough. Trying just isn't going to be enough.

I'm posting here because I'm afraid. Because I'm sad. Because I'm desperately clinging to any scrap of hope I can find. This evening there was no hope in my house, so I turned to you all.

Thank you for the encouragement.

Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 428 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

I hear you too. we are 14 months out and I still get to this point.

THe fact is every one here has great advice. and it really is like a recovery program ,
I think one of the hardest parts is not returning to old coping and feelings. And not to become defensive and just listen and support.The constant verbage used by my BS can take me down , this happened yesterday.( I had had an intensive IC the morning before so the last 48 hours were pretty intense) So I fell, but you know what, we talked last night and it was okay, we both were. Its going to be like that for awhile

The other is living in the now, remembering tomorrow even the next minute could be different, and its very true.
We can be having the worst day, and all of the sudden we both are on the couch holding hands or snuggled.

Tomorrow he could be gone. that's reality and it may not be by his choice , life seems to play some nasty tricks and god has other plans for us. So love him, remember he is giving you a gift of even being there,that actually shows love to me anyways and my BH has told me this as well. And heal yourself,not just for him. great incentive but for you. Cause its true you need to be strong and healthy to be any good for yourself or your spouse. IC is so worth it, The right one that is, I got rid of my first one.
This new one has done more for me in the last two months than the other one did in 9months.

Keep trying :-)

BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
New Member
Member # 41995
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

What is IC? I'm new, D-Day was 6 days ago. I'm the WH. I've been physically ill this week, because of this. There's a very long road ahead. I fear that my BS will be monitoring my posts in this thread. She's absolutely taking this as hard as anyone possibly could. I did a horrible thing. Is it normal to be resentful because she now monitors my every move? I know I made this awful bed that I now have to sleep in.

If I could turn back time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I have this constant feeling in my head daily. I am so miserable right now I can't focus on anything. All I want to does sleep and pray I wake up and this nightmare is over but reality is I did this so now I have to live with these feelings. You are not alone!!

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
looking forward
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

There will never be an acknowledgment from your BS that you are trying. It just won't happen because they don't trust us, ....


A couple who is attempting to reconcile or who have reconciled will acknowledge the efforts made by the WS. It takes two to R.
Wayflost...your BH is still in the initial stages of learning of your betrayal. You have to expect his anger, etc.

You can put every ounce of effort into taking care of your BS. EVERY EFFORT.

True, but Wayflost also needs to take care of herself and heal, too.

I keep trying to remind myself that it takes two years for the BS to even see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't know where you read that.
Every BS and situation is different.
I know it's said here often that it takes 2-5 years, but we are all on our own timeframes.

Yes, I still have many, many days of feeling that I'm not trying hard enough, working on myself fast enough, etc.
As DS said, keep trying. It may be a lonely road, but you will become a much better person.

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 2855 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
New Member
Member # 41997
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

WS only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:19 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Apparently I'm Boring
DD 1/1/14 Happy New Year!
Me: 54
WH: 54
Married 8 yrs
Adult step kids
Great Counselor
May reconcile
His affairs: 8 both Men and women
I see light at end of tunnel, may just be hell fires, however.

Posts: 28 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, January 11th (Saturday)

I was really "smart" for once and finally got on an antidepressant. Too bad they don't work more quickly... day two of crying, sobbing actually.

I was so stupid! What I've done is so unbelievably stupid. I barely had any self esteem to begin with. Now what was there is shredded, in a heap, no matching pieces.

I'm so sad that I'm the destroyer of worlds, his - mine - ours.

One of the slippery slope issues is that I withdrew emotionally. I would not let him into my feelings, my world. I've been this raw, frightened, and sad person for so long. I mistook false flattery for esteem. And I've crushed his in turn. He can't sleep with me in the bed. I'm on the couch again. This time I accepted the request and did not get angry. Just sad. I plummeted into the depths of my depression. And, I withdrew. Not right away, but over the course of the evening.

I'm sure someone will tell him I'm manipulating him. After all, anyone who can have the number of affairs I did must be some cruel heartless bitch who deserves to be cut off and cast out, right? God I hate what I've done. Every fiber of who I am rejects everything about the choices I made. I can't ever do anything like this again, it will kill me. It would bring too much pain, too much destruction.

I've kept everything in my life so bottled up. I still haven't properly mourned losing my father when he asked me not to call him dad anymore (unrelated to the discovery of my affairs). I can't mourn my relationship (admittedly maladaptive and dysfunctional) with my mother and especiLly not now. BH hates her because of the roles she played in my life. No one has ever let me own my own feelings.

The waves closed in and I think I'm drowning.

Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 428 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, January 11th (Saturday)

I wish I could give you a big hug Wayflost.

“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, January 11th (Saturday)

What is IC?
Individual counseling.

Dogg, when you're ready why don't you start your own thread so you can get your questions answered and get the support you need.

Welcome to SI. I'm confident that you'll get the support you need here.

Also, there is a list of abbreviations in the Healing library (top left of your screen) and at the top of the General forum.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38203 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 16