Off Topic
User Topic: Been awhile...DS passed away
Member # 35350
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

It has been probably close to a year and a half since I last logged on. My son (then 11) was diagnosed with brain cancer in Sept. 2012. Nate lost his battle with cancer on Nov. 24, 2013. I am still reeling from his loss, from the 14 1/2 months of caring 24/7 for my son. Over the course of the 14 1/2 months, Nate lost all of his ability to do anything on his was a slow loss as the tumor ravaged his brain stem. When Nate was first diagnosed, my husband and I decided that all of our children needed both of us 24/7 and put his affair (and all decisions concerning it) on the back burner and just took care of our children.
And now as I try to start living again? moving on? coping? questions are arising as to what I now want to do. After being 2 years out from the discovery of the affair (and everything that went on with it) and having 15 months of intense emotional pain with my son...I am tired and confused. I do not have romantic feelings about my spouse anymore. He doesn't touch me, per my request, and it bothers me if/when he slips and does something pat my shoulder. But as long as he doesn't touch me...we work pretty okay as a cohesive parenting unit. And I am SO very worried what a divorce might do to my girls (10 and 15) who just lost their brother.

I'm a little lost today and just need to get to a place where I can, once again, talk about the affair and really start examining my feelings about how I want to continue.

Hope I put this in the right forum.

Dday - Jan. 22, 2012
Dday #2 - Apr. 01, 2012 (found out he was still in contact with OW...WHILE we were in MC)
married 17 years
me - bs - 38yrs
him - ws - 36yrs - EA/PA
DD - 15
DS - forever 12 - earned his angel wings 24Nov2013
DD - 10

Posts: 285 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Virginia
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 9th (Thursday)


I am so sorry for your pain and loss.

Welcome back. Take things slow and be good to you.

If you want help dealing with the A why don't you come on over to General or the Reconcilliation forum, depending on where you are as things progress.

I hope you find your peace.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:56 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

oh I'm so sorry for your loss.

FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5989 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 9th (Thursday)


I am so sorry for your loss. Is IC an option?

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4028 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

So sorry for your loss. Allow yourself time to grieve. There is no hurry. I do think counseling is essential for you to deal with both traumas.

Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6604 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

First of all, I am so deeply sorry for your loss!!!!

As for the effect a divorce my have on your kids, my youngest DD said something to her friend the other day that eased my mind about the decision I made 12 yrs ago to divorce her father. Her parents have been talking about divorce and she said to my DD that part of her want them to but the other part of her doesn't because she is scared of how things would change. My DD told her that her father and I use to fight all the time and when we first got a divorce she was scared about how things would be different. However, she is glad we got a divorce. That everyone is much happier and it was horrible living with the fighting.

I can't imagine that there could be any happiness in your house, even without the death of your son, if mom and dad aren't showing love to each other. Happy parents have happy kids... Someone once told me that the best thing I could do for my kids was to be happy in my personal life...and I have seen it to be true. This is not a "push for divorce" but just wanted you to know what my experience and my kids thoughts are..

Hope that helps and know you will be in my thoughts, I can't imagine the pain of losing a child.

Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure things seem so very overwhelming right now. Take time to just breathe.


Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!

Posts: 21076 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Oh momxgbg, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 38499
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so so sorry - you are in my prayers

BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

So sorry for your loss (((momxgbg))).

“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3476 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 9th (Thursday)


Sorry for your loss. You do have a lot on your plate, so don't forget to take care of yourself.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 52766 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

Oh no ((((momxgbg))))

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your precious DS.

It's probably not a good idea to rush the grieving process, just take your time with it all. All of your lives are changed from this, it's hard to know how long it will be for things to feel a little more 'normal'.

Sending you and your family my deepest condolences, strength and support.


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2632 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 9th (Thursday)


I am so very sorry for your loss. How painful.

My suggestion is to just focus on each day as they come. Allow yourself time to grieve, focus on your other kids, and make sure they have the love and support they need. Focus on you, get yourself into some IC, some yoga, and try to do one nice thing for you each day. As you move forward you will have a better idea what you want and need.

Read in the library on the days the A in on your mind, and slowly figure out what you want and need. Life is short, we all deserve a full and happy life.

((((and strength, and peace))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm so so sorry for your loss. There are no words...there are just no words.


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but in my opinion you need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal from the loss of your son before making decisions about your marriage. (((momxgbg)))

Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.

Posts: 1687 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm sorry for your loss.

It seems to me you have at least 2 huge issues to deal with, and counseling could help you deal with them. The grief, and the infidelity.

I'd definitely start with IC, just to help you gain tools to deal with your life, your girls, and your living situation.

Everything else can take a back burner while you grieve.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5182 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your pain.

Sending you strength and (((Hugs))) to get through this difficult time. You've been through so much, please don't feel you have to make any decisions so soon.

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so so so sorry for your loss

BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2011 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

((((momxgbg & family))))
I am so sorry for your loss

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15300 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry.

I'll echo what the other said. Just focus on yourself and your needs for the forseeable future.

The infidelity can wait to be addressed until you feel like you're among the living again.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7781 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 9th (Thursday)


I am so sorry for your loss.

Posts: 36048 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm am so sorry for the loss of your sweet DS. It's just something that no mother can imagine. It fundamentally changes your life.

Please try to be kind and patient with yourself. I imagine that there are many, many things that have changed in your life - simpler things than a marriage trying to recover from infidelity. I'm sure just eating and sleeping poses it's own challenges.

Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Oh, Dear momx,

This is so sad, I am very sorry for your loss. What a strain you have been under. I hope you can feel the support here for you and see the tender, gentle caring side of SI and stay away from the more strident and angry forums for now.

You sound brave and resilient but I do hope you will be very gentle with yourself. As caring to yourself as you were to DS.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

My deepest sympathy for your loss.


Posts: 86 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so very sorry for your loss. ((((momxgbg))))

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25848 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I am so sorry for your loss. (((((((Momxgbg))))))))

Please take care of yourself.

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5329 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm so very sorry for the great loss of your dear son. I can't imagine.

Keep yourself and your girls at the forefront of your mind for now, anything else can wait.

(((momxgbg))) Peace, strength and healing to you.

DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!

Posts: 4965 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. (((momxbg & kids & even WH)))

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10435 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Oh I am so sad for the loss of your sweet boy. It's more than anyone should have to handle.

I am glad you are back so we can help you if possible as you move through all of this.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6581 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 11185
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, January 9th (Thursday)


I am so sorry for your loss. My mind can't comprehend the pain you have been through.

I wish I knew a way to ease some of your pain.

BW -- 57
Divorced 2001
Re-married 2014--on what would have been our 35th anniversary

Posts: 427 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: NC
Member # 6042
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

(((((mom))))). I am so deeply sorry for all you have been through and especially for the loss of your beloved Nate. I hope you can find some solace here with the very warm and caring folks of SI.

Posts: 235 | Registered: Dec 2004
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your DS.

Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24601 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Member # 11692
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, January 10th (Friday)

I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your little boy. Be patient with yourself - you don't have to deal with all of this at once. The A will still be there to be dealt with when you are stronger. And of course you can always talk about it here on days you need to.

Me - BW
Him - WH

Posts: 6621 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 10th (Friday)

I'm deeply sorry you lost your dear son. I cannot imagine. I have no words, but want you to know I'm thinking of you.

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I have no idea about advice for you, except to ask if you're seeing an IC for yourself? Your IC should be able to help you sort through your emotions and help you figure out how you'd like to move forward. Beyond that, could you/would you be interested in attending a grief support group?

(((momxgbg & family)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:22 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

Posts: 1277 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I am so so very sorry for your loss.

We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6835 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 41102
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 10th (Friday)

So sorry for your loss

DD day October 17th (my birthday, lucky me)
Married 9 years, two kids (4 1/2 and 21 months)
He moved out and we're heading for divorce. Currently working through all the fun legal stuff

Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Ontario
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 10th (Friday)


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 10th (Friday)


You and your family will be in my prayers. I am sorry for your loss. Allow yourself time to grief. As a mom, I cannot even image the pain you must be feeling.

Hug on your girls!

Deal with the other "stuff" when you are ready.

BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I'm so sorry.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3623 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I am so sorry for the loss of your DS.

Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

Posts: 38212 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, January 10th (Friday)


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4693 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I'm so very sorry. You and your family are in my prayers.


Posts: 1109 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Oh I am sorry to hear about Nate's passing. My heart aches for your family. Life can be so cruel and there is simply no understanding the Whys. But you got to spend his short life loving and he left knowing your love.

I hope you will find a grief counseling place for the family. I think its important for kids to be around other kids. It helps them identify and share what they are feeling. When my daughter passed we attended Bo's Place. I remember having a hard time googling it. I hope you find something similar. It is a nonprofit with corporate sponsorships. Families also donate what they can. They do not accept insurance. I cannot express enough good things. It allows everyone to express their loss around others that are going thru the same thing.

I can't give advice about the divorce because of you H's affair. I do think you are suffering from the trauma and I would focus and the grief and trauma. I think it would be okay if each of you took the on weekend getaways by yourself. It will allow time for both of you to bond with them individually and they need that. Your family has been shaken to the core and Nate's loss is going take time to recover. You might find strength as a family unit for the a while. If it works do it. If not, I dont think faking it for the sake of the kids would be helpful. Rugsweeping is not helpful in grief or betrayal.

I am so very sorry. I know that physical hurt. I wish I could releave some of it from you. Please know that we at SI share n your grief.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jul 2013
mom of 2
Member # 11214
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, January 10th (Friday)

My sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved son.

Me: BW
Divorced after 23 years of M thanks to XH's truth trickle.
Status: Recovering and healing. It's going to be a long hard road.

Update November 2013: It only took seven years but I finally turned a corner. :)

Posts: 13327 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: The suburbs of hell
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I am so sorry

“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 45042 | Registered: Sep 2006
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, January 11th (Saturday)

I am so sorry for your loss of your son Nate. I am sure it has been a very difficult time for you and your living children.

Please take one day at a time, whilst time will help you heal, you need to look after yourself and I know how hard that can be. I too have lost a child. And I know some people will expect you to be 'over it' by now. Please know grief takes as long as it takes and no one can minimise this for you and you can only move on when you are ready too.

I know you are worried about your children and the possible effects of a divorce on them, but they need you to be happy and healthy too. Please do whatever you need to do for you.

Maybe some IC will help ?

Hugs to you and your family.

"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I am so very sorry for your loss, you and your family have had an incredible amount to deal with. May Nate's memory and knowing he is now at peace bring you all strength and peace.

As others have said, please be kind to yourself and take the time you need to heal from such a traumatic loss before dealing with the A.

I also hope you will consider some sort of grief counseling, monarchwings had excellent advice and has a reference for what you are dealing with.

SI is always here for you, and I just wish that we could do more for you. ((Hugs))

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4622 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

I have no words other then a very inadequate I'm so sorry for what you, your son and family have, and are, suffering.

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Must Survive
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

There are no words that can make the pain go away.

I am so sorry mom. Hugs to you and your family.

WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen

Posts: 799 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 18th (Saturday)


me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 102 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 51