New Beginnings
User Topic: Hey All
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Well, it's been a long time. I have been through the ringer and back.

I find myself in need of the insights of my friends here once again.

Quick recap; wife left for another man, wife came back, wife got sick (cancer), wife passed away.

Now I'm starting anew, with someone who happened to come back into my life from years ago. We're talking 20 plus years. We've both been through lifes trials and tribulations, and now have each other. Problem?? I find myself letting the past make me question everything. I'm suspicious, paranoid, and just plain stupid. My new love has never given me a reason to doubt her, yet, I compare everything to the past. HELP!!!!!!!

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Hi, Jimi. Welcome back.

It's been about a year since your wife died, right? How long have you been seeing your new love?

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 26098 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 9th (Thursday)


nice to see you. one day at a time. actions not words. Remember trust builds over time. Its not instant right? Don't be too hard on yourself. Can you work with an IC on this?

But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler

Posts: 8489 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

NIK!!!! Hexed!!!!! I was afraid I wouldn't know anyone here.

Since Sept. NIK.

I know Hexed.

It's like I see demons where there should be angels. I'm thinking about getting some counseling. Probably should have before now.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

IC sounds like a great path, Jimi.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 52974 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Maybe I'm just a pessimist, pessimist, pissedamist, you know what I mean.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Member # 24302
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I think some mistrust and paranoia is normal. IC sounds like a fantastic idea.

What I do is watch and listen and keep my mouth shut when thoughts of previous trauma kick And repeat to myself, "this person is not my ex."

I figure if I'm a good moral person then there must be more of us. There's no way I'm the only one on this earth. They're innocent until proven guilty so I'm going to enjoy the companionship but stay aware and listen to my gut.

Me: BW 38

Last DDay: 7/15/09
TT: 2/28/11
TT: 3/5/11
Dday again: 3/10/2011
All Done: Better late then never.

Posts: 3513 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Those mistrusting instincts didn't just appear - they were programmed into you for a reason. They've served their purpose, however, and it's time for a defrag to clean up the hard drive. IC sounds like a good plan.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 26098 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 9th (Thursday)


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37604 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Hi's good to see you!

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198786 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Hey, Jimi,

I found it was very helpful to do this: First, self-soothe with a mantra such as "this person is not my ex. Don't tar him with the same brush." Second, to explore my reaction. WHY did I have that reaction to his action? What triggered me? Third, I told myself that I was fine before he came along, and I would be fine if this didn't work out. Fourth, I would then plan to talk to him about it if I really felt it was still an issue (it has never been an issue--most of my fears are triggers or my own insecurities).

I think IC is a good idea.


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29707 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Hi Jimi!
Counseling is a good idea. I do try to listen to my gut more now than I used to. If it is tingling, I try to figure out why, if it is a trigger, or if there is something going on right now that is making it tingle. And if I can't tell the difference, I am lucky to have someone who is fine with me telling him my feelings and we talk them through.

I do realize now that I am older with a bit more experience (I was going to say mileage but I think we will go with experience instead ) I don't give trust as easily. I used to trust everyone, now I kind of sit back and watch someone's actions over time to see if they jive with their words.

Good to see you again!

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15386 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

welcome back!

Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect

Posts: 12169 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 24261
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Welcome back Jimi.

Whatever your issues or concerns, we have your back.

Instincts first then actions. Follow these in genuine reflection of life's experiences and you won't go far wrong. I.C and staying with S.I. will also help you through

Good luck.

DDay - April 2008
Me - 54 and doing great. Found myself again and loving life
Him - who??

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone (Johnny Nash)

Those who stir the shit soup get to lick the spoon!

Posts: 4967 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Member # 10909
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 13th (Monday)

All good, a little quality time and some talking does wonders. Thanx all.

You've got nowhere to fall, when your back's to the wall.

Posts: 5524 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Niagara
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Hi Jimi!

Welcome back.

Talking through things with your new love interest is super important. It's also hard to do.

I second (third, fourth?) the suggestion you take yourself to a counselor for some guidance as you navigate your NB. It's been HUGE for my healing.

BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 16