We had our first MC session of 2014 this morning.
MC asked fWW if she understood yet how and why a (supposedly) happily married woman could get pulled into an affair.
I wish I’d had a VOX on me to record the session. Paraphrasing, she said, “Things were so good I began to take Camalus for granted. Because he had always helped with the cooking, cleaning, and raising our DD, he jumped in and took over when I went back for my PhD. Then on the rare occasion he didn’t cook, rather than reminding myself he’d cooked the last three nights and deserved one off, I would get mad because he had ordered pizza instead. Or if the laundry wasn’t folded the way I liked I’d get upset about it rather than remember he’d washed, ironed, and folded everything and I had done nothing. He also did all of this while holding down a full time job and being the income earner for the family and I knew deep down I’d never make as much money as he did even after I got my PhD.”
MC asked me if she’d ever complained about the nights I didn’t cook or the way the laundry was done. I told him other than our thirty-year argument over how the dishwasher is loaded, I couldn’t remember a single time she complained about my cooking, cleaning or anything else for that matter.
fWW jumped in and said, (paraphrasing again) “That’s the trap. I would not say anything to him because I felt guilty he was doing so much and at the same time resented him for it…I just took him for granted and expected him to do everything then would get mad.”
I have to think about this for a while. Mull it over and absorb it. I hear what she is saying and even see some truth to it but…how the hell that leads to an affair I just don’t get. MC says he understands it, he called it the complacency trap, a form of entitlement.
The good news is I put a seven-second delay between mouth and brain, which was just enough to keep me from asking, “So if I had treated you like shit you wouldn’t have had an affair?”
Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs
Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.