SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Getting past that he fell in love with AP?
2boys11
New Member
Member # 40551
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

My FWH had a six month PA. We are 3 months out of D-Day. We've been in MC, IC and working through it all. It's been a roller coaster to say the least. We are trying to reconcile. FWH says he absolutely wants to stay together but it's up to me.

The hardest part is that he fell in love with the OW. I mean really fell deeply in love.

I can't wrap my head around being with someone who loves me but also her. Obviously there is NC, it's over etc. but just knowing that love was once there so recently....it's really throwing me for a loop.

I feel like it takes something away from our relationship if he just loved someone else.

Anyone else know where I am coming from? Thanks for your help....


BS - Me, 36
FWH- Him, 38
Married 10 years, 3 beautiful kids 6 and under
DDay - Sept 13, 2013
TT for 7 months

Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I second this....can someone please elaborate on this? My husband was or thought he was in love with OW. He even told her he loved her.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Oh yes, sadly I can relate. I'm sure I posted this exact thing in the earlier days. It's pure hell. But I can tell you that most likely this "love" is going to seem more and more like a joke (a sick one) to your WH the further out of the fog he gets. Six months and in fantasyland is meaningless bullsh*t. Like a trip to Disneyland and trying to figure out how you can stay there forever, move into the enchanted castle, ride the rides all day long and party all night. You know? It's pure ridiculousness and that will smack your WH in the forehead in the months to come. I love you, I don't know who the eff you are, I don't have to live in the real world with you, but I love you you magical fairy princess.
WH's magical fairy princess turned out to be a rather mentally ill sociopath who in hindsight, resembles a caveman.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

Naive wife, you make some excellent points. I'm sure he didn't really love the OW, but the fact that he thought or told her that sickens me. Like did you still love me? I hate my husband for being such an idiot and throwing me and his kids away like garbage.


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

I absolutely know where you are coming from. At 5 months out this tears me up inside. I can't wrap my brain around it. I feel like he gave away the most important core of us, sullied it completely. If he " loved" her, at the same time he loved me, then how real were his feelings for me in the first place?

Clearly they were never what I thought they were, anyway.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, January 9th (Thursday)

How hard is it to fall "in love" with someone when the party manners are still on for both people?

As my friend pointed out, "It's not hard to be charming 8 hours a week."

It IS, however, hard to be charming while dealing with a spouse whose head is up their ass, who is tuned out, who is serving their own needs and doesn't seem to care how you are doing but expects you to kiss their ass and may criticize your every move because their conscience is riddled with guilt.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 897 | Registered: Jun 2013
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, January 10th (Friday)

He's not in love with the OW. My WH thought he lurved his EAP. Oh, his secret profiles exclaimed it. He posted a song on her FB wall, thinking I wouldn't see it... he quickly realized the fantasy of it all after dday, though.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, January 10th (Friday)

I could have written these posts - posted the other day about how hard i find it to hear "I love you" from H having read long mails of love to OW. It is so true that they are in love with the excitement and who they have projected this woman to be. The woman (in my case) that made herself available at a moment's notice for sex over lunch and that spent the most time with my H (some days) when I was away for work or, ironically, at my inlaws....She has shown her true stalker colours in the last weeks and I look at him with clear disgust and say "and this is what you threw our family and M away for?" seriously....it does make me wonder if what we have is worth fighting for given it was ignored so lightly and what does that say about my value? He now says how much he wants us to grow old together - really? I heard that before you put a ring on my finger and it meant didly squat to you....

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Give it time. . . I know it hurts. He is still a little foggy, sounds like. My H thought he loved AP, and lamented the last time they talked that it would be "the last time he could tell her he loved her." (When he told me that, I admit I threw a cup of Starbucks cappuccino at him.)

Anyway, have him do some reading and MC should help. If you google love vs infatuation, there is a handy chart that comes up that paints it all pretty clearly. My husband is now horrified and saddened that he ever thought or said such things, but he really thought it at the time. So, hang in there.

Here is the link:
http://www.diffen.com/difference/Infatuation_vs_Love

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:03 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1999 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, January 10th (Friday)

They don't really love their APs. They just think they do. And the affair high makes it seem like such a perfect love, better than any other.

My husband was so in lurve with his AP, they became engaged. Planned their lives together. Talked about where they would live and what their lives would be like. Those talks didn't include anything practical like who would pay the bills, what would happen to their children and ex-spouses, etc.

And I didn't get any of the, "I still loved you, too." My husband totally admits he couldn't wait to get away from me. He told me he hoped I was cheating, too, so I would just divorce him without any angst.

Now, he cannot believe he fell for this woman. It is clear she is a shallow home-wrecker. She left her first husband due to an affair with her second husband. She gave my husband (and I) an STD. She signed up for a dating service while "engaged" to my husband, and encouraged him to as well, so that they would be seen dating other before they got together and no one would know they had an affair.

He said once he considered the possibility that she had cheated before, a lot of things fell into place that she said and did. Like insisting he bring condoms to their first "meeting," telling him that they "had to be safe."

Of course, during the affair, he was no better.

If I really want to humiliate my husband (and I don't, anymore), I refer to her as "your ex-fiancé."

Your spouse, if the fog lifts, will see the affair for what it was. A sleezy affair. Nothing more or less. And once that happens, they do feel pretty darned bad.

[This message edited by sudra at 6:58 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Nov 2010
33years
Member
Member # 41053
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Amen and amen! Good comments all!


Me (BS) 58
Him (WH) 57
DD July 10, 2013
My Motto: "I'm fairly certain that nothing anymore is certain"

Posts: 73 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Middle of USA
FracturedSoul
Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, January 10th (Friday)

My fwh was so intoxicated by his 'love' for OW4 that he not only told her that he loves her, but also impregnated her!

She wanted children, but not with her partner with whom she had a 10yr relationship. So he gave her 'the present'...that she aborted within 4 days of DDay.

I told him she was trying to trap him into a more permanent 'arrangement'...he could only see it after I retold him what he disclosed in the third person...only then did the fog begin to lift.

Does that sound like love? Because if that is love I'm not intetested. It is infatuation. Nothing more.


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, January 10th (Friday)

The hardest part is that he fell in love with the OW. I mean really fell deeply in love.

I call bullshit. Define love for yourself. Read about it. What is 'in love?' What is 'love?' Explore it for yourself. Define it for yourself. Challenge your H to do that on his own. Then talk about it. Get into MC if you need a mediator. We did.

I simply don't believe "love" as most people talk about it exists or if it does it is fleeting and not worth much. In fact, I fall 'in love' often just walking down the street. Little tingles.

For me - Love is a choice and dedicated practice I choose to engage in. How unromantic is that? Fuck romance, if you want it go have an A. If you want something that will last, choose to do it.

take care...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 10th (Friday)

(Sorry, I went on a tangent here.)

I am having a hard time with this one. He had known M&COW for 10 years. And in the last 3 or 4 years the families have been getting closer and closer together. (I considered her my best friend and vice verse for her husband and WH.) The EA started January 2011 (or at least the walks they took together). But the physical stuff didn't start until Nov 2013. Because they loved each other...

He never told her that he was ever planning to leave me, but he "said" he never asked her what her intentions were. He said yesterday that he may have been afraid of her answer. Based on what MOW's BS said, MOW had saved numerous pictures and emails printed out. I also don't think she ever deleted the emails between them.

And I guess I just "know" her intentions or either it was just guilt... Just on the way she behaved with my kids, if that makes sense. In her sick mind, I am wondering if she planned have my husband that then that would leave me with her husband...

But I have been asking him what was his justifications for having the affair. And he still doesn't know. But I have a feeling it was the "love" part. His IC moved, so I do think we need to find a new one for him. I also need to start going to one besides MC.

But deep down, I do think he loved her and she loved him. I still think he let her see his true self which I have never had. I guess it is the definition of "love" that then gets me... Or maybe that is the only way I see to "justify" the whole thing...


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 10th (Friday)

He never told her that he was ever planning to leave me, but he "said" he never asked her what her intentions were. He said yesterday that he may have been afraid of her answer.

That does not sound like any love I believe in or want to be involved with. More importantly, I don't want my partner to view it that way either. I think a common definition of love is important to R.

take care....



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Welcome to the club. The club we all hate to be in. My FWW did the same. She never admitted to being "in love" but she had strong feelings for him and went through months of hurt because she "missed him". REALLY? That's the shit that hurts the MOST!

Honestly, your husband is still in the fog. He'll be out of it and realize what an ass he made of himself. My FWW can't believe she did and said the things she did at this point. But she was in love with a fantasy. Not a person. In their heads the AP is perfect. We all love perfection when it makes us happy.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1348 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Whatever love my H felt or the fantasy land love feelings he felt....will always bother me the most. Through R he has gone from saying " I fell for the illusion " I had feelings for her, I was tricked, I can't help how feel, I was a complete idiot and that was not love but it took me NC to open my eyes.
I have no doubt that my H had an some kind emotional attachment but love it was NOT. Today if her name comes up, he has an immediate feeling of shame,disgust for himself that he took things so far. I will never wrap my head around that. You just don't have the same feelings for 2 people. It was obvious during the A.


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 637 | Registered: Jun 2011
lovedmesomehim
Member
Member # 25743
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, January 10th (Friday)

This is a very sad thread. Just sad.

I think my husband loved himself. That's just the plain truth of it. He didn't love himself either in the most healthy way, but in the most base and smug fashion.

I have lived in matrimony with this man longer than I lived in my parents' home. He is all that I have known in the carnal sense.

When I think of how he looped his tongue to the roof of his mouth to say the word "LOVE", I get ticked off all over again.

I imagine him cooing the words, "I love you" to the OW and I want to snatch out those last few patches of hair tufts that are stuck in his ears.

If I am blessed, I will live another 10-20 years with this ex-cheater. Yes, he is a reformed man and is deeply remorseful and I appreciate all of that. I do. I still don't understand the mind of this guy though. I don't.

He came home each and every day for dinner, after kissing me hello. Flowers every week...a kiss good-night for over half of my life...pallbearer for both of my parents...Lamaze classes for both babies...Just a lifetime of shared experiences folks.

And he LOVED this OW?????????? Just like that???

I'm not buying it for myself, him, or the rest of us. I think the analogy to Disneyland used by the other poster is so accurate, but where was MY REAL Prince Charming?

Forgive me for my cynicism. This is the beginning of my trigger season and I am usually here at SI. I am still just trying to work it out.

The bottom line is that there is no love involved in affairs, but there is plenty of heartache and destruction.

[This message edited by lovedmesomehim at 9:08 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 465 | Registered: Oct 2009
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Yeah, my H was head over heals. She was perfect. She was smart enough not to make any demands on him. They had no bills together, although she did get him to pay one of her medical bills. They planned their life together and the details sound like two teenagers trying to break free of their parents. She was planning her wedding and got brave enough to bring my H into her fantasy. She listened to all of his stories about his life because it was the first time she had heard it. I lived it with him so there was nothing new and fresh he could tell me about himself.

She made him feel young and free again. She is 20 years younger and try as I can, I cannot make myself or my H younger. She never had to take care of him after a devastating wreck, take out the poop diapers, sit up all night with an ill baby, get thrown up on, view his mother's body in the ER after a car wreck, sit with him in silence while he grieved, bail water in a flooded basement, talk his son or daughter through their first heart break, and she did not get to share the thrill of a grandchild just minutes old. He and I shared LIFE. They shared a tawdry, dirty secret they had to keep hidden.

My H told me the OW was the love of his life and his soulmate. I cannot ever unhear that and it stings. She did not work so she was available 24/7 and was up for anything, all day and all night. They were not in love. They were in lust. She made him feel like he was perfect in every way, including the bedroom.

It only took a few weeks away from her for him to see the foolishness he had been living. He was appalled at his actions and words to me. It still hurts to hear in my head and I have to tell myself it was not true. His attraction to her was a drug that filled his mind with a singular lustful pursuit. Sometimes I wish the parallel universe would open so he could see how bad life would have been had they gone on toward their lives together. It would have been a train wreck.

Give it time. I bet your H feels differently now. Tell him how you feel and give him the opportunity to process this with you.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1477 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 10th (Friday)

I struggle with this all the time. I have come to my personal belief that their love was not real or threatening, but do I need my H to believe that too?

So far, yes is the answer.

The worst thing my H said during MC was when he was trying to explain his process shortly after dday and he said to the MC that I "didn't know what heartbreak really felt like, because I had never experienced it." He meant this in reference to his heartbreak over losing the OW. I almost threw up in the office. How could he say such a thing to the most heartbroken person he had undoubtedly ever laid eyes on - me.

It really makes me worried that he's too stupid for me. Genuinely. Who would be stupid enough to say something like that?

Well, when I look at infatuation vs. love (like the chart we were directed to in this thread), it helps a lot.

It helps me to view what they had as an addiction, and NOW my H can relate it exactly the same way. It still hurts, because the addiction is to another woman, but I try to think of it as the chemical brain process. This helps me because I can relate a little. There are times at night when the only way I can fall asleep is to fantasize about a fictional man who is all the things I wish my H had been, who rescues me, passionately cares about me and takes care of me. I know it's not a real healthy thing and it's not what I want in real life at all. Yet, it still helps me, it's like getting a little fix of 'easy' or something.

APs are nothing. Remember that this is all the issue of the WS. And, at 11 months out, we have survived that unbelievable pain and deafening scream of our spouses having 'loved' someone else.


Also, just FYI, in the early months, during PMS each month, I felt sure that his professed 'love' for the OW was more than I could ever handle and that I would have to file for D immediately. Just want you to know that it's normal to feel like that. I chose to 'not divorce' for a year in order to give time to feelings, and I am very grateful that I made that decision now.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
fromaztowa
New Member
Member # 41880
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 10th (Friday)

My DH was always what I call a "Serial monogamist". If he's kissing/sleeping with someone, he loves them. He tells women he loves them after 4 dates.

He did that with me when we started dating, and I told him he was confusing two different emotions.

I waited 6 months before I said anything like that...and he's only the 2nd guy I've ever said it to (out of many, many dudes).

However, I know that "Falling in Love" was freely expressed in his relationship with OW, because they had know each other since they were two. They were definitely on a marriage path, as far as both of their families were concerned.

Too bad he wanted to marry me instead.

I don't put any value or weight into the idea that he really "loved" her, because I know he didn't. You don't "love" people quite that quickly.

[This message edited by fromaztowa at 10:20 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


ME: BGF/ now his DW
HIM: WBF/now my DH
Kids: 4
DD: 06/02 - on vacation in another state without me. R 09/02. Married 2003.
“He was a terrible boyfriend, but he is a wonderful husband”. - me

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: United States
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 10th (Friday)

I can only base my answer on what my WH says.... The OW was a fantasy land and I was Reality! He said when all the BS ended he realized he wanted the reality not the fantasy. (he said ..how can you love someone you don't really know)? IDIOT


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Offhispedestal
Member
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Lovedyoumore: your comment is exactly what it is!

" His attraction to her was a drug that filled his mind with a singular lustful pursuit"

This is EXACTLY how my H acted. She did not live in the "real world" with him. With her, my H did not have worries of late bills, mortgage problems, yard work. She tried to cater to his every single need. She Would hug and comfort him when he cried over the mess created in his M. Seriously who does that??? OW , that's who. Not because they love so much but it's manipulation that the AP don't see. He saw she cared so much that she would even tell him to try to work things out with me and if it didn't work the she'd be waiting for him.
How sweet right? MOW knew so many details of my life that she tried to do all the things I did for him. And whatever he disliked, she would say she disliked also.
It's just insane people don't see through all that bullshit!


ME-44
WH-45
Married 24


2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R


Posts: 637 | Registered: Jun 2011
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 10th (Friday)

WW LTA was 8 years EA PLUS a 3 year EA & PA.

They loved each others. Ive seen their emails. I read things she wrote to him that she has never said to me.

Was it true love or a fiction? A BS will never know the answer to that.

It could be that the love they felt was manufactured and used as a justification to keep their LTA going. *I must be in love with OP. Otherwise why would I destroy my M?*

I cant tell you HOW you get over it. I can only say that you do and you will.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 10th (Friday)

I haven't read through the whole thread,and I hope the following isn't a repeat:

I suggest doing some 'net searching and reading on 'limerence' (sometimes 'limerance'). I think that explains the phenomenon.

If I really want to humiliate my husband (and I don't, anymore), I refer to her as "your ex-fiancé."

Oh, boy! I LOVE that! My W reports she bought ow a 'sort of engagement ring', because same-sex couple couldn't M in our state at the time, and she wasn't going to leave me. She has no answer to my question, 'How can you get engaged to one person when you were M to another?'

R is going very well, nevertheless. In some important ways, they're just different people when they're cheating....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 10th (Friday)

WH here. Hook line and sinker guilty of Love, lurrvv, and the extra special level of caused pain, confusion, disbelief, and profound sadness that my BW, and all of you on this thread felt and feel.

I'd like to say your words, as an aggregate, very successfully parse and explain this deep form of delusion and deception. All of your questions and responses are right on track and obviously borne of experience and knowledge.

I have no valid excuses. I certainly WAS the man you all describe, and my delusions and addiction were profoundly deep.

You have my apologies on behalf of all "love/lurrvv infected" Waywards. And my wife has my amazed thanks she has chosen to forgive me and believe in me and us again. The guts and grace she shows to take that risk reminds me every day just what TRUE and REAL love is.

You're a gutsy group. Thank you for this thread.

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 11:50 AM, January 10th (Friday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 10th (Friday)

JustDesserts: Something has been building up in me all day, and just exploded out of me in a fit of tears as I read your post.

You have no idea how affecting it is to hear from a reformed WS, and even more so to read about support for BSs that aren't even their problem!

Just, thanks.


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 10th (Friday)

slight t/j

The guts and grace she shows to take that risk reminds me every day just what TRUE and REAL love is.

You're a gutsy group. Thank you for this thread

JD, your wife is an incredible woman and you are a stand-up man to post this.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2311 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Thanks for posting, JustDesserts. Brave dude! Not just for posting in this thread but for doing the work to change and helping others as they find this site.

Once we've been here for a time, we BSs are able to say these things. The problem is, it takes so much longer to feel them.

Yea, my husband was an idiot for thinking he loved the OW. But he did it to ME. For seven months, he did not once tell me he loved me, did not have sex with me one time. For seven months, he told her every day, multiple times a day that he loved her.

Knowing it wasn't real still doesn't take away the "sting" if you will, although that is a HUGE understatement of how it feels.

[This message edited by sudra at 10:01 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Nov 2010
whereismylove
Member
Member # 41794
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, January 10th (Friday)

This is what did it for me. I read texts of their love professions and he told me begrudgingly. I hung on thru the pain and the images in my head, and his assurances that it was over. Well it wasn't and my heart continued to break while I went crazy. I talked to a friend of his who told me that it was her that was keeping him on a string, that he was bothered that she wasn't calling, etc. So I knew that once again he was lying about NC, but also that he thought of her and missed her. She was moving out of area soon and I did not want to watch as he was sad or be his back up or 2nd choice. Its so much more devastating when they love them. I told him that the love i have for him won't allow for him to love another. I hope one day he comes out of the fog..it will be nice to hear,but too late.


DDay: Nov.6th, Dec 24, Dec.27(2013) Jan 10th(2014) & texting during false R until July 2014.
Me : BS, 36. awesome doting wife & former stay @home mom now back 2school and work.
Him: WS, 43. EU spouse. 7 months long "accidental" affair. Fol

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern California
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Regarding the "heartbroken" comment, (I am so sorry he said it!), it is really more like detox. My H thought he was losing something very special by ending the A with the OW at first. Our MC told him to think about his feelings of missing her as missing how he felt when he was with her, rather than missing her. That ended the missing really fast -- it was an illusion. H came to realize that even though we had been friends with them for years, that he didn't really know her at all on any real level. It has taken months of real work and honesty with himself for my H to see the A for what it was. They are delusional in the affair - no doubt.

Look, the divorce rate for APs who marry is, like, 90%. Your H's "love" was not special, and two years is the amount of time these things last, on average. Then, reality starts to set in, usually. I don't know how yours ended, but if she is the type of woman who will sleep with a married man, she's not all that and a box of crackers. He knows this on some level; her attention just filled some kind of void in him that he needs to address.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:40 PM, January 10th (Friday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1999 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AndreaL
Member
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 10th (Friday)

JustDesserts, thanks so much for posting. You really knocked some sense into me. Once again, thanks :)


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 215 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Our MC told him to think about his feelings of missing her as missing how he felt when he was with her, rather than missing her

This is it exactly, bionicgirl. They loved how they felt. Our MC told us that people fall in/out of love (within the same relationship) on ave., every three years.

I asked my H this that first night:
Do you love her?
No.
Did you TELL her you loved her?
Yes.

Why on earth would you tell her that?
Because she kept saying it and at some point, I
just said it back.

I now know it was how he felt when he was with her. It wasn't reality-based by any means.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2311 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I appreciate the thanks. If I think I can help BS's by sharing my "WS perspective", I try to. It makes me feel good, too. And is part of me becoming a better, more authentic me.

It's interesting how many BS's mention learning of their spouse's infidelity and thinking "Who is this person I'm married to???". My WS version of this is seeing my BW after what she learned about me, and our marriage, and thinking, in wonder, "Who is incredible woman I'm married to?". Seeing depth and caring and love that was there all along...and which I chose to ignore, or was just too plain stupid, to see. And doing it under fire, with mind, body, and heart wounds that were unlike anything she could have ever imagined.

I exploded this bomb in our life, and hiding in my selfish little foxhole...right next to me...believing in me...is true love incarnate. My BW.

I am a very lucky man. I'm imperfect. I struggle. But becoming more authentic just feels so good. She gave me that gift, inspiration, and opportunity by her forgiveness and belief in me. When I say "I love you" today, it is pointed at the beautiful woman who deserves every molecule of love I have to give.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Stop making me cry JD!!!


me, BW: 34
FWH: 35
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 3 and 6
Reconciling

Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Lovedyoumore you expressed yourself as if you were in my head - just needed to substitute support during unemployment and depression for car wreck. How do you all get through the anger and hurt? I had to read declarations from H that she was what he waited for for 40 years and how deep his love was while he left a sleep deprived wife nursing the new born. Of course she offered him a fantasy escape - how difficult is it to be accommodating and beautiful when you do it for a two hour lunch-time encounter of sex. What has broken my heart is that his choice of the A was a deliberate turning of his back on our shared history and loyalty to each other - like it meant nothing. He DID promise her he'd leave me but never did - he says now that this was because he never could when it came to it. Am I supposed to be grateful for that? Shouldn't I walk away from someone capable of casting me aside so easily mentally and physically? I sent him the link above on Infatuation V Love - we still haven't discussed what love means in MC bit I fully intend to a t a next one.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 36