Below are e-mails I got from my wife today. The first 2 were ok to me but the last 2 blew my mind. Does anyone here have any experience with people who suffer from low self-esteem? I really need advice. The emails give an idea of what my wife's A was like. Right now my first instinct is to run because this scares the hell out of me and I don't know what to do.
Babe you hit that right on the nail and it's so sad to admit I was used all my exes used me it was easy it was easy for asshole he seen that right away I always attracted the assholes and I could never figure out why I was easy prey I see that now. I could never understand why you wanted me I really had a hard time trying to figure that out you were nothing like I was used to and I think that's what scared the shit out of me. I didn't know what it felt to actually feel loved or be loved I know I can feel it for someone but I couldn't receive it does that make sense? I think that's why I always went back to David he loved me he beat the shit out of me and after he would say I was his girl he loved me he was never going to let me go and I believed that he did and when I think about that I feel so abnormal so messed up so battered so mortified.
Yeah it was exciting to me how he treated me I liked it so what does that say about me? How do you see me now? Do you see me as this person that won't ever be happy unless you turn into this person that you could never be? I don't need that babe I don't need a man that's going to use me I need a man that's going to love me I know the difference now I know how I mixed up the two that's what I ment by I see things differently now the feeling is different now I know how to receive real love and actually believe in it I believe in my self I can be passionate and loving and give my all without being pushed around or humiliated or beat down or used I feel stronger everyday I feel new my mind is so much clearer now and I don't want you to think you have to change for me because you don't you are the kind of man I need you are what I have needed my whole life.
He would pull my hair and it was like every time he did I was fueled it felt good he would stab his COCK in my throat it hurt I gagged I choked and a few times I almost threw up on him he loved my reaction when he did that I felt sexy I felt exciting to him the worse he treated me the better I felt and I needed more that was my drug.
Everything in your emails where true you hit it spot on. So I will ask you again what does that make me? How do you see me now? How do you feel about me now? Reading what you sent me made me feel like shit it made me angry I feel beatin down I feel like scum I feel no better then asshole what does that mean? I feel like a terrible person I feel disgusting for letting him do the things he did to me I feel disgusting for liking it needing it and going back for more each and everytime. I will never forgive myself for doing that to you doing that to our family I have destroyed every good thought you ever had for me I think and I don't think you will ever look at me the same. And I have probably ruined your life beyond repair this is what is going through my mind right now.
The night of the birthday party We drank we danced I had a great time asshole was there but he wasn't drinking he was the driver me and him sat at different tables. I would get up and dance with the girls and he would watch me and I liked that I liked that I was interesting enough for him to watch me dance I almost felt like I was the only girl he could see and I thought in my head I could see him drool from how sexy I was. The party was over we all headed back to the apt.
I remember it being really dark in the apt. Sherry was watching a movie I layed down also the room was spinning I was drunk Sam and asshole where in their bedroom I closed my eyes I don't know if I fell asleep or not but I started feeling sick I opened my eyes sherry was asleep I went to the bathroom I couldn't find the light switch I bent down and hovered the toilet thinking I was going to throw up I layed there for a bit I closed my eyes the door opened and it was asshole he came in shut the door behind him I got up I asked him what he was doing he told me to be quiet he undid my pants he slide them off me and I helped him he told me to bend over the side of the tub and I did he fucked me it was fast he pulled my hair and bit my shoulder it hurt like hell I whimpered when he did that he told me to shut the fuck up he got up told me I could finish throwing up now and I remember crying a little I got up fixed myself and went outside I think I was gone for awhile cause sherry got up and I was gone she texted me where are you I told her outside I didn't want to go back in there I was scared but I couldn't stand outside all night sherry met me at the door asked me if I was ok I said yeah I layed down I don't even think I went to sleep the next morning he was gone Sam said he left early cause he had to get ready for work at his parents house I remember feeling scared to come home I knew you where mad I felt like shit I looked like shit and I wanted to just die.