User Topic: What to do?
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, January 10th (Friday)

My fwh just phoned. He wants to invite his best friend and his wife to come camping with us in December 2014. So what is wrong with that you may ask?

His friend, B, met his wife, C, through my husband, A. A and C met each other online via another mutual friend and hit it of VERY well. This was in 2008. They used to chat constantly...she even started phoning him over weekends...

Everytime I entered the room, A would close the laptop or log off the chat site. I found an sms from C on his phone one day..."what is wrong...why aren't you online yet?". This upset me terribly. I was on maternity leave at that time. I told him that I don't like their friendship and he told me I was paranoid. He made me believe I had post natal depression. Even went to a psychologist for treatment.

By March 2008, I begged him to end the friendship...said I didn't trust her intentions. He reacted by yelling..."Do you honestly think I would throw away our marriage of 4 yrs, our relationship of 11 yrs, our family...for someone else? If you can think that of me, YOU must be busy behind my back and now you have a guilty conscience!" I cried hysterically. ..he made me feel so bad for asking that I landed up apologising to him!

The irony is that, as I found out in 2012, he had in fact already cheated on me by having a ONS with my best friend since primary school...while I was pregnant!

I don't know what would have happened between A and C if B didn't start a relationship with her. Point is...I classify this as an EA. My fwh thinks it wasn't that bad. Putting on a polite happy face when I see her at a social gathering is obe thing, but expecting me to camp with her for 10 days is another!

Am I being rediculous? How should I handle this?

Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Yeah, that's a big fat NO. My fWH had a "friend" like that before we met. She showed up unexpected at our wedding (not seen or heard from for 4 years...) I was invisible at my own wedding. (And the dress she wore... ) Then he wanted to invite her over, and out for dinners all the time... Saying he wanted to fix her up with his best friend. His friend declined. He said she was too narcissistic and rude, thankfully. I could not imagine having to deal with her all the time.

But yeah, that sounds like an EA. Since FWH's ea, he has no single female friends. Any female friends he has, has to go through me.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:18 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 41323
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Not ridiculous at all! This would be a big no for me too. In fact I wouldn't even want to share my holiday time with H and our family with anyone anyway. It's such precious time and we desperately need quality time together away from everyday stresses after everything we've been through.
Holidays should be relaxing and spent with people you love and want to spend time with. The stress it would put you under trying to act normal, wondering if she's flirting etc would drive me crazy. Please tell your H how strongly you feel about it, I hope he understands.

[This message edited by Frankie80 at 5:53 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

Him WH
Married 5yrs, together 8
DDay 1 18.07.13, 7month PA co-worker
DDay 2 29.09.2013 (continued EA, kissed once)
Working on R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: UK
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Thank you for your comments, I REALLY appreciate it.

Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, January 10th (Friday)

No, no, no.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, January 10th (Friday)


(Then again, I am having a hard time doing anything with any other couples other than family members right now.)

Considering our family went on a family vacation with MOW and her family during the A....

Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 10th (Friday)

No, no, no, no and no. Their relationship sounds an awful lot like that of my WH and his OW when they started their first affair. I would be leery.

Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 10th (Friday)


And this seems like a time to talk about and work on healthy boundaries and to explore the concept of friends of the marriage.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I can't stand that he even wants her there! My H had a much less intense EA with a woman (not why I'm here) and I had him write her a NC letter.
I think there should be zero contact between them.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 9