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User Topic: My fantasizing and Wh's blaming
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I am in pain. I hurt so bad, and I am filled with anger, sadness, guilt, etc

WH had a talk last night.Last two nights Ive come home crying-first night I saw the OW and triggered, second night I looked the OW's kids up on Facebook and saw pictures of the OW and her family on vacation in Florida for Xmas all happy and wonderful. I got upset since she and my Wh ruined my life and broke my heart into a milliong pieces and she goes on like nothing has effected her. I am SO ANGRY.

Our talk:
I got more answers: they only had sex in break room,he was never naked only his member,never saw her naked, never saw the crotchless panties she wore to work the one day,he ACCIDENTALLY said he loved her one day because he was used to saying it to me, but didnt mean it and would text that to her but with no meaning. They had sex 6 times, gave her oral, SAID he had a hard time getting hard - she noticed and asked if he was having a hard time, and he said yes...he told me it was because she wasnt me. Not sure if I believe that. He had a hard time cumming. She cuddled him and tried to hold his hand but he didn cuddle back. He cant remember if she was shaven or not - obviously a lie. He said he never found her attractive. so on .

He BLAMES me for the A or at least part. He said I was being SOOOOO mean and horrible.He doesnt think I realize. He didnt like coming home, and I was mean to everyone and didnt want to spend any time with anyone. HE said that if I WERENT so mean, the Affair wouldnt have happened. He blames me for part.

I told him that I accept marriage problems but not one part of the A.

We got into it, him saying HE WAS sorry and did feel GUILT but not now. It was a year ago...and I should be over it, and moving on, and he bets that the OW and her BH are getting along fine and moving to teh future. He says I can come home crying and tell him about it IF its not about the A.

He doesnt care about how I am feeling. He says it will never happen again, because he now knows that it was a mistake. He says he never thinks of her. And that I make up all these crazy scernarios in my head about what I think the A was, and it was NOT. It was just sex.

I told him out hurt I was, and how he gave away soemthing about us that I thought very special. He thinks that thing was stupid.

I am so hurt.He is not remorseful, not anymore at least, he wants me to be over it and moving on. I am so hurt and I cried on the way into work. He kisses me and I love his kisses but I think of him and the OW and I hurt so bad. Im so angry at the OW and I hate her so much, and the fact that she is getting to go on with her life after ruining mine is killing me. My anger is consuming me, and my sadness is too. I feel myself slipping into that dark hole again. I am having a hard time finding any happiness in my life anymore and I can feel dangerous thoughts creeping in my head again (example today I thought if wreck and die in a car crash this morning it wouldnt be such a bad thing). I am so severly hurt, and sad. Sadness like Ive never experienced before, and I feel very alone.

My best friend isnt who I thought he was, and Im not sure if he loves me the same. Last night before the talk he claimed that he loves me more than I love him, I told him that couldnt possibly be true, after the A and me staying, but he said Ive been acting different, distant.

I just dont know what to do.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jan 2013
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, January 10th (Friday)

(((Heartbroken))). I don't have advice, I'm kinda in the same place the last few days regarding my feelings about OW. I know we're not supposed to give OW head space, everyone says block facebook, stop looking etc. I know they're right, but I've yet to find the self discipline to stop.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that you were heard.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
heartbroken2012
Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Well now Im sitting at work and all I can think about is my WH and the OW having sex in the break room at work, worried people would hear them.

I am so sad and hurt and feeling very alone.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jan 2013
Tickingtock
Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, January 10th (Friday)

SAID he had a hard time getting hard - she noticed and asked if he was having a hard time, and he said yes...he told me it was because she wasnt me. Not sure if I believe that. He had a hard time cumming. She cuddled him and tried to hold his hand but he didn cuddle back. He cant remember if she was shaven or not - obviously a lie. He said he never found her attractive.

and

It was just sex.

do not make sense. I'm so sorry you are going through this. What are you going to do about it?


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 226 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
NotDefeatedYet
Member
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 10th (Friday)

Well now Im sitting at work and all I can think about is my WH and the OW having sex in the break room at work, worried people would hear them.

I am so sad and hurt and feeling very alone.

You'll continue to feel that way until he really shows you how sorry he is. He can tell you whatever he wants, and it won't make a damn bit of difference. He's a liar and a cheat so what he says isn't worth anything. His words mean absolutely nothing. He's clearly not showing you what you need. You have some difficult decisions to make for yourself.


"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
dutchboy
New Member
Member # 40992
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, January 11th (Saturday)

Reading through your post, it's pretty clear that your WH is not accepting responsibility for the affair (and possibly for the pre-A problems.) I hope this is not the case but based on your feeling guilt it sounds like you're buying into it, at least to some degree. I have a very visceral reaction to the "if only you were this way or weren't that way or had done these things, this never would have happened and I wouldn't have had to cheat" line of thinking. That whole way of thinking is the essence of blame shifting and refusing to take responsibility, and I firmly believe you can't move forward while that still exists, especially if both of you are buying into it.

I hope I'm not coming across as judgmental. I have struggled personally with feeling guilt over the choices my WW made and accepting blame when it wasn't mine to accept. That was a pattern in my relationship pre-A as well and one positive outcome of this whole mess is that I've identified that flawed thinking and am working on it in IC. Once I put down the responsibility for the A, my WW and I had a bunch of conversations where I tried to debate her into agreeing with me. That wasn't very successful.

I can tell you that for me it was very affirming to my self-esteem and self-worth to change how I thought about responsibility. While you cant force your husband to accept responsibility or have empathy (which also sounds like a real issue for you), I promise that laying down that responsibility yourself will help your personal recovery.

I wish you the best and again, hope I didn't come across as judgmental or preachy because that's not the intent. Also, some of his details about the sex are bullshit...for whatever that's worth.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, January 11th (Saturday)

You are NOT to blame for his affair. HE made the choice. "*IF* things were so bad (which I'm betting they weren't, he's rewriting marital history here) then he had other choices than to have an affair.

He can't remember if she was shaven or not, but he gave her oral sex? Yeah....not buying it.

It was just sex, but he had a difficult time?? Again, not buying it.

He's lying, minimizing, blame shifting and absolutely NOT remorseful at all. He won't allow you to talk about it? FTG. Seriously. I would do a major 180 and work on healing YOU.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 11th (Saturday)

I agree with everything dutchboy said!

My BF did the same thing, claimed he didn't remember certain details, but could remember others. It's just their way of trying to make them seem like less of an asshole. Funny thing is he doesn't get that I'd would have respected him a lot more if he just told me the whole truth in the beginning rather than TT for 3 months!

The fact that he KNOWS the truth and isn't telling you is the worst...no? It was for me. I cannot stand that selfishness!

For him to blame you for the affair is just wrong, and not true at all. It has nothing to do with you. And like SamanthaBaker said, even if you were a mean rotten person, it STILL doesn't excuse his cheating. Nothing does. He's to blame, not you!

[This message edited by 4everfaithful83 at 7:10 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 8