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User Topic: Was anyone actually in a sexless marriage?
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

For the WH to claim that he was in a sexless marriage is, I believe, on page one of the wayward handbook (WH: poor me, my dong is not getting any love! OW: Poor you! Your wife is mean!, I will pat your wiener for you blah blah blah, etc etc.)

Anyone actually have one of these? Do they really exist? What constitutes 'sexless', never, or just not very often? Not that I believe that it is any excuse for cheating, it just seems that this is the go-to excuse, so I am wondering if it has any basis in reality.

I have posted this before, but in my case OW clearly did not believe him because she used to discretely sniff his junk to see if there was any of my, ahem, residue on there. Either that or she just loves Eau De Wang. The mind reels. I cannot get past the weirdness of an OW checking to see if her MARRIED BOYFRIEND was cheating on her with HIS WIFE. Gahhhh!

[This message edited by Bravenewgirl at 5:46 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

(WH: poor me, my dong is not getting any love! OW: Poor you! Your wife is mean!, I will pat your wiener for you blah blah blah, etc etc.)

Oh...thank you for the laugh. I so needed that today!

As for answering your question...I think the only way you can be in a sexless marriage is if you NEVER have sex.

My WH complained to his whore that I NEVER wanted to have sex either. I explained to him that I just NEVER wanted to have sex with HIM! I mean it's hard to get turned on by a drunk man slobbering all over you every night.

He complained about our kissing even (because I never wanted to). He was so drunk that he was practically EATING MY FACE OFF! Yes...that is a turn on.

IMO It is just an easy excuse so they can have their cake and eat it to.


ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
AppalachianGal
Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I laughed out loud at this. Thanks, I needed it!

I don't know what my WS told the bar whore except that he was married, had a newborn son, he believed our marriage was over and didn't understand why. Make me gag.

He probably did say we weren't having sex. Who knows? To me, a sexless marriage is one where it never happens.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
sleepless34
Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I am betting that my STBX said he was in a loveless and sexless marriage that became more like siblings!


Of course that isn't really true. We had sex, but not a ton. Because he was a lazy lay and didn't want to work on it, and I didn't need/want it that often so 3x a month maybe.

I told him what he could do to help me want more…help more with the kids, be affectionate at times other than when u want sex, set up date nights, act romantic, etc. He said "Oh, so it is CONDITIONAL? Forget it. You should love me and want me how I am" and because he is so lazy, I guess it was easier to just go online and find someone all primed up and ready to go, no effort required.


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

It wasn't sexless, but my FWH had to beg me for sex.

I dunno, when someone tells you to "Shut the fuck up" constantly and then is reaching over for you 15 minutes later in bed, it kind of takes the fun out of having sex with that person. He was a selfish fucking dick and never tried to get me to want to have sex with him, just demanded it. Grrr, getting angry remembering this. I love sex, too.

she used to discretely sniff his junk to see if there was any of my, ahem, residue on there
Hilarious, and weird!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:12 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Pfft, not hardly. I have always had the higher drive. Even though we weren't setting any new records at the time and I was kinda bored, it was still happening. But, my FWH never used sex as the reason for his affair. It was a by-product of the rest of the relationship.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

It always amazes me how many folks in sexless marriages have kids. Seems like even OW would be able to figure that one out.

ETA:

I will pat your wiener for you

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 6:21 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
badmedicine
Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

We used to have sex a lot and I even wanted to have it more than he did. However, it dropped off significantly when he started seeing her (for those of you following along at home this was just a few months into our engagement) and with it the fighting increased. After we were married and he started saying he didn't know if he wanted to be married or if he loved me...well that was a turn off. I remember when we had sex after he first moved out I thought to myself "I actually can't remember the last time we did this". Turns out it was SIX MONTHS BEFORE. WTF. Who goes 6 months with no sex in their first year of marriage?? No wonder I started training for a marathon.

Things got better and worse and then better again but his affair squelched our sex life. He was also selfish, expected to show up over here at 10:30 at night and do it when I had been sitting around alone all day and evening (and he had been on FaceTime with OW). So maybe ours was close to sexless? Awesome.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
neverwillhapn2me
Member
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

This is coming from a BH.

I can not say I was in a sexless marriage. just that I wasn't getting any, the OM was though.

i have not had sex with my wife since my WW became pregnant with our now 7 month old.

mine you DD was 3 weeks ago, so there will be no physical contact now.
SO its would probably be around 14 months with no sex, mind you she was pregnant for 9 of them.


Still i would say a sexless doesn't me NEVER it has to be atleast a few times a month.


I may not have had sex but my wife and OM were certainty.

who know how long it will be before i have sex now 2 years 3 ahhhhhhh..... im gonna stop thinking about this now.

[This message edited by neverwillhapn2me at 6:25 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies


If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.


Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Oh, and remember what the maven of youth, Mylie Cyrus told Matt Lauer....nobody has sex after 40.

I am sure the OW knew from just looking at me that I hated sex and was not taking care of my man in bed.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
cuppacoffee
Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Nope not here! Baby #7 in the oven to prove it! We (before his meds) were 4-5 times a week.

It was the skank who wasn't getting any because her boyfriend lived 2 hours away. I guess fucking a married man was protection against her boyfriend finding out.

Little did she know my husband (when depressed) doesn't shower often. Sucks to be her!


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
Flatlined
Member
Member # 27637
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Right before DDay, I was in a church women's group with both O(utside)Ws. A#1 was over, A#2 was active. Of course at the time I knew nothing of either of these situations. I remember sharing one day -- with the group-- how FWH was always all over me for sex. (Sex was actually one of the best areas of our relationship!)I distinctly remember the odd look on O(utside) W#1's face after my comment. I wish I gotten a look at OW#2 that day. It is amazing how delusional a person has to be to believe the tales of a cheater.

[This message edited by Flatlined at 6:35 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]


Me BW
Him FWH [Dr.NewMan]
Married 23 y/4 children In R
DDay #1 7/20/09 DDay #2 7/28/09 (2 As,both with *PSEUDO*friends)

Had him first. Have him last. Just wish I could have had him ONLY.


Posts: 509 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: South
tara1110
Member
Member # 41202
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I told him what he could do to help me want more…help more with the kids, be affectionate at times other than when u want sex, set up date nights, act romantic, etc.

This was exactly what I told my husband about a year before dday. He was lazy and I did most of the chores around the house, I worked full time and our son was about 8 months old then. We had a serious talk about us and I said the same thing quoted above. Our sex life came back to normal, he was more affection and all until he got deployed. When he came home... BOOM! I found out he was fucking a whore overseas.

Anyhow, looking back at how he was, I'm just glad I don't have to deal with his lazy, Xbox playing ass anymore. Butter bitch face can pat his wiener until it turns blue.


Me BS:34
H WS: 28
OW: 33 (butter face... Thanks to sistermilkshake for the nickname)
Dday: July 24, 2013 (5 days after our 5th wedding anniversary)
7yrs together, married for 5 yrs
Status: divorcing

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: North Carolina
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Butter bitch face


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I was. Trac-Fone swears to this day it was because I rejected him, but in fact he used a (bona fide) physical illness to avoid sex with me for years; he preferred anonymous or near anonymous sex, but fueled himself with rage and resentment based on absolute lies he told himself (and others). We had sex six times between 1999 and 2010. I initiated each time, and each time it was with trepidation. I believed him; he was sick, medicated, impotent--oh! And enjoying quite an active sex life. Somewhere else.

So yes. I was in a sexless marriage, thinking I was honoring the "in sickness and in health" clause.

He, OTOH, was not. And I may never forgive him for robbing me of so much of my sexual adulthood.

But maybe I will. Because frankly, sex with a personality disordered man who can't abide intimacy is not what it's cracked up to be, and at least now I stand a chance at having an adult relationship.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I am now but then I wasn't.

We had sex all the time, before and during and after the A.

OW and WS both told each other they were in sexless marriages, lies.

Now, the thought of having sex with him makes me ill.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5459 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
DazedWI
Member
Member # 41432
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I would classify mine as a sexless marriage but it didn't start out that way. My WW wouldn't initate or talk to me about what worked and what didn't so she just never tried. It was always me trying to initiate and then I found out two years ago (prior to her affair) that sex was painful most of the time with me. I put it on her to rebuild the intimacy as I saw it as me having "raped" her for so long because she wouldn't communicate to not "hurt my feelings or make me mad". So instead of working on things with me she goes out and sleeps with a 52 year old OM. Go figure, some bitches be crazy.


ME (29) - BS
Her (29) - STBXWW
Dday - 10/25/2013
Married - 7/2007
Been Together - 9/2003

Posts: 83 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Midwest
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

We were about once a week, sometimes more.

His LTA was about 3 times a week.

Sigh.

Much more frequent now that he doesn't use me as a piece of meat.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Yes, I was. We were having problems pre-A, and we hadn't had sex in months.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2262 | Registered: Feb 2010
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Same here. We hadn't had sex in YEARS. My choice eventually. I clearly remember the night after another rejection from my husband that I decided never again. He tried often and I rejected him. After a few years he gave up. I thought that was the way he wanted it. We rarely spoke about it with all the family issues that kept us otherwise occupied. But, I thought we were still okay. How naive can one person be. To his credit, he waited years (if I am to believe him) before he actually started cheating on me.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Not married, but relationship had been sexless for years. I can count the amount of times we had sex in 3 years on one hand.

Of course WSO was fucking OM behind my back and lying to me! He got more sex than I had in 3 years in the space of a week!!


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
prowoman
Member
Member # 40761
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

We had sex pretty regularly throughout our marriage... even after he began his A (before I knew that was going on). After DDay it became a sexless marriage. But WH told OW it was sexless from day 1 and seeing their communications she was super paranoid that he was cheating on her


me: BS 39 | stbxWH: 46
DD14, DS2
DDAY: Aug12... A continued "underground"
Separated Nov13 and Divorcing
OC Born May 14

Posts: 129 | Registered: Sep 2013
marlie2014
Member
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I don't know if WS claimed to his whores that our marriage was sexless, but it wouldn't surprise me.

He did tell me the day after D-Day "you never initiated, you were never interested...it was always like that." I felt bad at the time.

After reading a few books on sex addiction, I began to understand why I didn't enjoy sex as much as I wanted to. SA's sexualize everything...they're constantly groping you, rubbing up against you like a cat, ready for sex 24 hours a day. I wanted to have a strong marriage and for this reason at times consented to positions that were actually painful or just plain uncomfortable because I wanted to please him.

I also did initiate at times, but always ended up feeling like a fool because he would laugh or just lie still and wait for me to do everything, thus proving that I was "not interested" because I couldn't keep that up for very long.

Now I understand why I never felt like our sex life was an expression of intimacy. There is no real intimacy with SA's...it's an animal act, no love or warmth associated with it at all. And unbeknownst to me, he had been cheating on me for the last five years.

At times especially during the past year or so when he really began to ignore me (and sometimes I'd wait up for him with lingerie, but when he still wasn't home by 2am I'd fall asleep in frustration) I would sometimes fantasize about having a really good orgasm...but when we actually would have sex the pleasure was all his.

No wonder I "wasn't initiating" as often as he wanted!


BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)
DIVORCED AND FREE!!!!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

I feel like my WH and I were trapped in a vicious circle. Although I was quite certain he was having an affair, he never confirmed nor denied when asked----so sex was not that often (not weekly but maybe monthly) and my feelings of resentment towards his suspected infidelity surely fueled my lack of interest. And, according to him- my lack of interest was basically me pushing him away to be with someone else. But then my lack of interest was knowing he was with someone else...... The circle never ends.....


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
turtle72
Member
Member # 21773
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

My first marriage was sexless, always was. I had a block in that department when it came to him - unless it was for the purpose of conceiving a child I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I would try and would inevitable "make a face" and he would shut down. We went a year at least at one point without sex. He was not meeting my needs in any department but I wasn't withholding it because if that - it was like a negative physical reaction to him.

There is no excuse for cheating but I can see how someone not rejecting him must have felt good.

Current WH and I did it like rabbits. If we skipped a day it was too long for both of us - he still cheated.


Me: 41 BS/WW/BS
2 kids 9 & 11, 3 steps 20, 8 and 3
BS 1st DDay 10/14/08, 5 mo. PA w/ MOW
WW 2nd D-Day 3/22/10, my exit A with HS BF
Separated 4/19/10
Married H #2 10/8/11
BS latest Dday 12/28/13 - PA w/ single COW

Posts: 2207 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Massachusetts
quizical
New Member
Member # 21066
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

My husband and I have been together 21 years, married 16 and have not had sex for 8 years. I think that makes our marriage sexless. I want to have sex- not particularly with him anymore- but those pesky little marriage vows.
So it is sexless- I am at a point where I am deciding if I can wait to finish school before filing for divorce- or if I should just do it.

I strongly suspect- but don't care- that he is cheating. A lot of un-accounted for time, phone is always completely free of text messages- and a lot of call from numbers that he doesn't have programmed- people that he supposedly talks to regularly. I could check- but why bother.

So yes- people do have sexless marriages- it's just how we chose to handle it.


If you see the wonder of a fairytale- you can face the future, even if you fail.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Florida
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Oh hell yeah.
WH had Ed so I with compassion explained, I was willing to proceedd with our marriage. With compassion, caring and understanding. Marries since late 1970'salways good sex life but wh had medical problems that eventually caused Ed.

What happene, he told me he was having heart cath,but in reality it was a. Penile implant. Just not forus, but AP and whomever.
Shock,hurt and disbelief. He thought he was never going robe found out WRONG.
I am done.


You know that saying I like you butI don't love you.....mine is after all these years. I love you butI don't like you.

I survived The ultimate B S


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 623 | Registered: Jul 2012
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

Before he cheated, we were not married, but we definitely were not sexless by anyone's definition. We were having sex at least 5 times a week.

We are NOW in a sexless marriage, for some various reasons (and it is sexless for BOTH of us, nobody is cheating anymore). By "sexless," I mean less than 10 sexual encounters per year. I'm not thrilled- but he refuses to do anything to change the problem, and whenever I try to talk about it, my words go in one ear and out the other. Most of the reason we don't have sex revolves around his drinking. By the time we're both home from work in the evening, have dinner, and my daughter is put to bed (around 8:30), he is usually too drunk. Or we are arguing. Or something else comes up entirely. It's sad. I expected to have a sexless marriage in my 60's. Not in my 20's, married to someone in his 20's.

With my daughter's dad- we were not in a sexless relationship at all. We did stop having sex for 10 weeks after I had a c-section, so he feels that the relationship was sexless for a "long period of time" and that justified him cheating before, during, and after that time period. Asshat.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

I have to admit I usually crack up laughing when I've read claims by OW that their married boyfriends sleep on the couch or in the guest room and are NOT having sex with their wives.

This thread simply confirms what I already knew. While some couples do experience a change in the frequency of when they have sex (during their spouse's affair), it's still pretty rare indeed when it completely stops.



.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 5:14 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1836 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
RuckedUp
New Member
Member # 34268
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

The definition for a sexless marriage accepted by the counselors I have seen is less than 10 times a year. I've been married 35 years. My marriage has met that definition for 30 of those years. It has met the definition of no sex for at least 20 of those years. But they are not consecutive years. We attempted sex once a year ago but he couldn't maintain an erection. The same thing happened the year prior, the one time we attempted sex. Three years ago we had sex one time. The longest we have gone without sex is five years. We have twice had that long a time between attempts.

He rejects me and has always been the one to say no. He gives me no reason and he refuses to attend counseling with me. I have read almost everything written on the subject. He says he loves me dearly and doesn't know why he doesn't want sex with me. Before menopause, I wanted sex with him daily. Menopause decreased my drive therefore I now live comfortably without it. However the four times he has wanted to try again since then, I have been a willing and eager participant. Twice we succeeded and twice we failed. That was four attempts in four years.

Still he is the one cheating. I think his affair is an EA because I've searched and that is all I can find evidence of occurring. He has cheated most of our marriage. But he says his EAs are not cheating.

So yes there are sexless marriages. Still no excuse for cheating.

[This message edited by RuckedUp at 5:52 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Dec 2011
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

Our marriage was sexless... But that was because he was watching porn 4-6 hours DAILY, and leaving nothing for me. Most of them men who use this as an excuse are the reason there was no sex...


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
hangingonin
Member
Member # 29530
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

I wasn't in a sexless relationship, but after a few years it was always me initiating it. Once he started seeing other women, my initiations were always rejected. I spent a long time wondering why. Now I know it was because he was getting it elsewhere!

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
crazynot
Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

This is a big thing that I had to face up to. Before d-day we hadn't had sex in around 8 years.Sometimes he'd reach over in the middle of the night, but I'm really really ashamed to say I rejected him again and again. The truth at the core of our marriage and also its ultimate failure was that I felt no physical attraction to him. I did love him though, but as he said 'more like room-mates'. The thing was I assumed that I just wasn't a very sexual person. I've since found out otherwise... I knew those sexless years were a massive danger signal for our marriage - and I knew how rejected and useless he felt. I often asked if we could talk about things, and I would have readily gone to counselling, but he preferred not to. Just gradually turned his attention away and then eventually, almost inevitably, fell in love with OW.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 882 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

We sort of were, but by WH's choice, not mine.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13812 | Registered: Jul 2011
Jovie
Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

Before dday I'd say we had sex 6-10 times per year for the previous 3 years. I consider that pretty sexless.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
erzulie
Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

My WH said our marriage was sexless. Sex had dwindled - but this was a health setback; I had four uterine fibroids that were causing me pain and endless bleeding. He knew about this ...

I had a conversation with him on June 18, 2013, talking about my most recent bloodwork results and the current "plan of attack" for treatment. He offered to go to my upcoming doctor appointments with me. I found out later that, immediately after that conversation, that he went online, upgraded his membership to one of his sex search sites, and emailed several women to try to hook up.

I guess the realization that his wife had continued health issues caused him concern that he would be missing out on the sex he needed. About a week later, he hooked up with one of those women.

In therapy, after D-Day, he claimed he didn't know about my health issues. I found one of the more detailed conversations we had on the matter, via email, debunking his claim. I think the simple truth was just that he didn't care one iota about me or my health, apart from the context of how it affected his sex life.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

The sex in our marriage slowed down considerably after he started his LTA. He started grabbing my boobs and between my legs which pissed me off and he knew it. He was often drunk when he did this, so I put it off to that. It would cause major fights because I found it totally disrespectful, and I would wind up sleeping in the guest room.

When OW called me to out the affair, that was the one thing she was concerned about. I of course refused to answer her questions about our sex life. I guess she wanted to know if he had been lying to her and telling her we never had sex. We had really had sex the night before, but I wasn't sharing that info with her whoring ass. She already knew enough about me and I never knew she even existed. It then made perfect sense why he was so grabby, becuase she let him do it to her skanky ass.

Anyway, we did go through the HB after DDay#1. It didn't stop him from having sex with her again. Now I feel no obligation to have sex with him. Like a previous poster he is usually drunk and passes out long before bed and I have made it clear that he is not to wake me up for sex. If he wants it, stay sober long enough to get it, otherwise he is shit out of luck.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

We did not have a sexless marriage. We were pretty regular (3-5 times per week) the entire marriage. I can say that it became much less frequent after DDay and during 3 years false R. Finally, it became the sexless marriage he claimed that we had.


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1781 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

WH claimed he had to beg for sex, told his APs I was frigid. We had sex once a week until he decided to be faithful to his PA and cut me off.

Its kind of hard to get excited about sex with someone who only wants quickies, right before having sex says I haven't showered in two days so lets have sex before I get cleaned up, or my personal favorite - wakes me up after coming home drunk and wants to have sex for an hour.

Yep - my sex life after kids and pre-A was so awesome. Basically I just had to show up and lay there. I was a living breathing blow up doll. He didn't care that my needs were not met and maybe that was the problem.

Our sex life has been rocky since D-Day. But since our M lacks any real intimacy because he wants his secrets - well you do the math.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I'll be honest and say that I wasn't too impressed with most of this thread. The common theme seemed to be from BWs was a concession of a mostly sexless marriage but with it being the man's fault: not doing enough, not being attractive enough, etc. Kinda disillusioning.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

MCJack

WH and my sex life was good prior to kids. We had a good connection and an active sex life. Post baby it was tough to adjust. WH wanted more and I wanted more than just a quickie. I was tired, my muscles ached, I was nursing, I was up all night with babies and working a full time job I hated. Five minutes allocated to sex before he had to jump into the shower was not doing it for me.

WH was cheating through most of this. So he was supremely selfish. He was done before I got started. Yes I did shut down and not communicate my needs. He did the same. I was in the same sexless M (and actually got cut off for months at a time and rejected) both before and after D-Day. Its hard to get excited when you are a live action sex toy rather than a human being.

I know I hurt him before he actually had sex with someone else. My sexless M was not as sexless as he led his APs to be. we had sex weekly, bad sex, but weekly sex nonetheless. Most of the time it was two times a week and then there was the random time when we would go two weeks without sex. After he went NC and was in withdrawal from his AP and not exercising good mental NC, he cut me off again. We had sex once every six weeks. He told me he wasn't that into sex and probably never would be again. Once again - I did not cheat.

In our case our "sexless" M was probably more his doing due to his selfish behavior and his re-writing of our sex life.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

MC_Jack, I don't feel anyone was trying to impress you. I stated the truth from my marriage. I will admit I was wrong for making FWH beg for sex, I should have divorced his selfish, verbally abusive ass instead.

Many of the BS's here also have said their WH's had ED issues, but they were okay with that because they loved them and felt marriage was more than just sex.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
StruckNumb
Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I was somewhat in one. One of my red flags was when we had sex, he literally would only hug me with one arm afterwards. he never would hug me with both arms, the other arm (away from me), he would hold stiff at his side. It was weird and a major turn off. Over time I wanted to do anything but have sex with a cold man. I never was satisfied, if you know what I mean, it was always about him and his needs. I was just a tool. The other red flag is we haven't passionately kissed in many, many years. I''ve come to the realization he's simply just not into me. And it's a major turn off for me to contemplate sex without the love that would allow me the freedom to make it playful and exciting. I'm finding I have no desire to be sexy with a cheater. His longterm affair killed what desire I had for him.

Plus it didn't help that he let me learn he was only interested in Chinese girls. My body isn't horrible but it certainly doesn't resemble a 12 year old boy.


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
awesomedamaged
Member
Member # 36067
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

BNG! Where have you been!!!! You crack me up! Yes I was actually in a sexless marriage. And I agree with another poster who said being told to shut the fuck up every day does put a pall over love fest. However, my H is impotent. Diabetes is wreaking havoc on his dong and other parts. So yes, but he managed to find a whore OW who was willing to try to pretend she was married to him and tried to insert herself in my life. So lesson learned. If he can't get it up, don't bother trying to spare his feelings as I did. He will treat you like shit and look for someone else. No. No. Don't do that. Just go ahead and bring it up and belittle and demean him by bringing it up and spare yourself being cheated on. (said with tongue in cheek of course )


"You can't unring that bell or unfuck that woman." (Chump Lady)

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Midwest
totalheartbreak
Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

In mine It''''d dwindled down to once every 8 weeks, if that.

She was the WW. Apparently, she was regularly having sex.

I stayed faithful.

[This message edited by totalheartbreak at 8:00 PM, January 12th, 2014 (Sunday)]


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 158 | Registered: Dec 2013
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I'm sorry, Jack. I can't quite tell who failed to suitably impress you. Is it the husbands who treated their wives poorly, or the wives who didn't keep their traps shut about it?

Or is it simply inconceivable that there are relationships in which women are not responsible for the lack of sex?


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
avicarswife
Member
Member # 35799
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

We weren't. Prior to his affairs starting it was probably 2-3 times/week.

Shortly after his affair began - (probably only happened 1 or 2 times at that stage) we went on our 2nd honeymoon. Plenty of intimacy then too (lots of time together - both physically - and emotionally (so I thought)) - in fact WH calls this a marital highlight for him! Although he was emailing OW#1 during our trip.

Immediately on our return he got straight back in with OW#1 and shortly after added in a 2nd affair.

Over the following year or two during his PAs, our sexual intimacy dwindled considerably to about 1-2/month. He said he was tired and depressed - even resigned from his role. I tried to be the supportive wife - not complaining about it for fear of hurting his "fragile manly ego" in a sensitive area.


For us the infrequency was the result of his affairs not the cause. If I am entirely honest our sex life has always been a bit ho hum for me as WH is inclined to be quite selfish in bed unless I push for more. He can still be more about his satisfaction than mine - although this has improved. I guess it was the same in his PAs as by all accounts it was mostly BJs for him.

I think the way I was raised made it hard for me to be honest about my dissatisfaction in this area. I was taught you never made your spouse feel inadequate or not good enough in any area especially not in the sexual performance area - you just accepted it. I also wasn't above faking it. WH would get all down and passive aggressively silent if I mentioned suggestions on how to improve things - so i give up mostly and let him think it was better for me than it was so he would feel better about himself. I am a rescuer and besides I loved him and was happy with most other parts of our marriage so reasoned that I should thankful for those. I wasn't a perfect wife but I actually think I was still a great loyal, giving and supportive wife. I am trying hard to be both sensitive and honest in this area but at times go back to old habits. Especially if I trigger during sex and he has no idea - then I just want it over - the reality is I should ask him to stop but am too scared of upsetting him.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 10:06 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]


BS: 47 (me)
WH: 51
Married 26 yrs, 3 kids (16-24)
D-Days 2012: 23 - 24 May + TT
D-Day 2013: 12 Apr OW#3
mOW #1 EA yrs PA Feb 2009-end 2011
mOW #2 EA months PA 4 months 2010
OW #3 PA single time 2010
Status: Maybe 'R'

Posts: 728 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: "down-under"
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I'll be honest and say that I wasn't too impressed with most of this thread. The common theme seemed to be from BWs was a concession of a mostly sexless marriage but with it being the man's fault: not doing enough, not being attractive enough, etc. Kinda disillusioning.

Yeah, I agree. I was the BM in a sexless relationship for years at the fault of my WW, but I guess I don't count.

[This message edited by Jesu at 10:41 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, January 13th (Monday)

I was the BM in a sexless relationship for years at the fault of my WW, but I guess I don't count.
Who said you didn't count? Jesu, just because the majority who posted on this thread were BW's doesn't imply that there were BH's who were in sexless marriages because of their WW's. Don't know where you got that idea. Share the truth of your marriage here, along with the rest of us BS's.

The common thread, I feel, is that it is the person who is less invested in the marriage who withdraws sexually (most of the time) and is the WS, male or female.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 13th (Monday)

No. But he told himself and the AP he was.

I must admit that I was aware for years that I was simply the person he had sex with as a release after hours of looking at porn. Since he ignored my concerns about it and got angry, it did nothing for my self-esteem and certainly made me contemptuous of him. I did not know until after Dday that he was using cialis to masturbate with after porn on a routine basis.


Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2011
Sunset22
New Member
Member # 42025
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Yes we were in a sexless marriage for a year or so. The last time we had sex I ended up getting pregnant and it was an extremely high risk pregnancy. My baby and I almost died. So I figured the reason why we haven't been doing it is because we were both traumatized with the pregnancy.


DDay - December 2013 and January 2014

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Ha ha! Nope, unless you consider only once a week due to pregnancy "sexless". Of course under normal circumstances WH has complained when I didn't give it to him a third time in one day. He pouts. That's one reason I question whether he ever had a PA. While in the last EA he seemed completely uninterested. He didn't even try and most of the time I initiated. I was pregnant so honestly I was a bit relieved he wasn't wanting it all the time. Of course 6 weeks after the baby was born (3 months after dday) he was back to his old self. He says its because my self esteem was low and it wasn't attractive. Funny, I don't remember having low self esteem. I do remember being extremely uncomfortable and in early labor for a month though. I don't know...


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Once every week or every other week. Weirdly, she wanted it daily during her affair.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Jun 2012
foolishlycluless
Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, January 13th (Monday)

We were in a *virtually* sexless marriage. I have to laugh at my own use of the word "virtually" because that was the beginning of our problems. Years ago when we got a computer and the Internet at home, WH began chatting with women on sites like ICU (I found out later). He would stay up very late, long after I had gone to bed, and to sleep. He did this more and more frequently, and our sex life suffered.

So it was a never-ending cycle. He was chatting and looking at porn on the Internet because I "wasn't there" for him, and I wasn't there for him b/c he was spending his time on the computer. The cycle continued. He also feels that I am "inhibited," which I believe is influenced by his viewing of internet porn.

In addition, due to a medical condition that I have, sex can be physically uncomfortable for me. So I didn't have a strong drive anyways.

So while he may have told OW that he was in a sexless marriage (although he said they didn't talk about our marriage), a big reason was because of his behavior (lack of interest in me).


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
Decimated
Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Mine was headed there. In our 16 year marriage, we went from about every day to a couple times a month within the last few years. To me, as a HD, that was almost sexless. I heard all of the cliché excuses like “I’m tired” or I have a headache”. I could understand if I was an asshole of a husband, distant, disrespectful, unresponsive to her needs…etc. The truth I was a great husband and father in every respect, and she was the center of my life…my queen. I did everything I could to make sure she was happy in and out of bed. As the sex started to drop off…I tried even harder to please her. The more I did this…the less I got in return. I just didn't understand what was happening as she was constantly reassuring me verbally that we were fine; she loved me and she was happy. As frustrating as it was, I was committed to us and our family so I accepted this as the new normal.

Then one day it all suddenly made sense. I found out that she had been cheating on me for at least 2 years! I wasn't crazy after all. Our marriage was almost sexless…but she wasn't. I never got the whole truth from her but I will never forget her responses whenever I asked her why. She said things like “I was bored” and “I needed more excitement”.

Ya…I divorced her.

I wanted to add this. I always held sex in such high regard with in our marriage. I considered it special and deeply intimate...and I treated it as such. It wasn't just a physical act for me...a release, it was emotional and spiritual connection. I respected it as an important form of communication and expression of love. It was one of the ways I showed love and it was certainly how I felt loved in return...my love language. I guess that was too boring for her...she chose to cheapen and desecrate it. For her to take something I felt was so important, so lightly, and disrespect it by cheating, destroyed it for me. There was no longer anything special about it with her.

[This message edited by Decimated at 11:58 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


Decimated
Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Not sexless but definitely a lot less than he wanted, I knew it and that was all down to me. I was pissed off with him and his seeming to want to behave like a single bloke (little did I know how much!). All sorts of things like lack of support when I went through some serious life crises (including losing my son and my father), default position being my job to look after house and kids, he's doing me a favour by offering to help. etc etc etc etc. So I withdrew. Have explained that to him that for me sex is the culmination (very welcome) of intimacy and feeling good about our relationship, whereas to him the intimacy and good feelings began with sex. Ye olde women from Venus, men from Mars. But the result was we drifted apart badly, I turned inwards to my children, he went off to have an affair, and I was waiting for youngest D to finish college before I split. Our communication skills were frankly appalling on both sides.

He thought I was tending towards frigidity, I've told him that was such a long way from the truth, I just needed to feel an emotional connection to him BEFORE having sex, and that was what was lacking.

It does, though, make it easier for me to believe him when he says what he got from the LTA was sexual relief, nothing else. She wanted more, wanted to move in together, he made it plain that was never going to happen. Did he use her? Yes, he admits he did. But she knew the score, and was prepared to accept whatever crumbs from him in the hope that one day....Well sucks to her, that never happened.

If I'm honest I never realised how badly our lack of sex affected him. NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER for having a lying, cheating affair, but I do wish we'd communicated better on the subject, and I'd been more explicit in explaining where I was struggling in our relationship.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 231 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
alienstookmyexH
Member
Member # 38452
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Women are different than men.

My husband had a heart attack, he started insisting he was going to die, but was sneaking around smoking. I had quit the moment the doctor said he will die if you don't quit.

3 Times in one year I had to call ambulance for him as he cussed me out. I gained 45 lbs, I had never gained weight before. I was miserable. He was whining and still smoking, I found out when he admitted to smoking to doctor on 2nd visit.

I was crushed. I had always trusted him and the lying began.

He would use the line "I am going to die" to get his way on everything.

He wanted to build new house I was wary of taking it on due to his health but gave in. I realize now he hoped to make big exit bucks on it after he left me.

He was hanging with an "innocent" child molester that I believed at the time. I have since read court documents and am sick to my stomach how I could have this POS in my home.

They were working together, spending free time together acting like a married couple. Looking back, with his butt buddy ( he flinched the first time I called him that) always bring wine ( named after having a threesome, sorry can't remember name, asking me to retell the romantic story of ex & I meeting, repeating over & over Escape Her making sure to separate the name of our motorhome. gag it is all horrific the mind games these 2 played.

He started talking about SEX all the time. He was like a nasty little dog humping anything in sight. He was totally disgusting!

So we build new home, I start having digestive problems, he finds out that he will be laid off of his 6 figure job, and the world starts spinning. My pain became intense, was worried about colon cancer. He shut down.

He did not want to deal with the foreclosure of our home, my illness so off the slimy piece of dog shit ran off. He & butt buddy had been working together and had made friends with a hardass methy whore, probably had 3 way sex.

Guess where he ran.... right into the meth ugly ass whore's home. GAG!

I loved & trusted this man for 19 years but I could not respect him or trust him enough to have sex with him for 5 years because he was lying, over sexed (dry humping my cat, who does that!) cheating(know now) through the MOST difficult period in my life.


Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: CA
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Just want to say as well, that despite the infrequency of sex towards the end of the LTA, when I'd almost decided to quit our marriage (but still hoping we could get to a better place), H would always tell me that sex with me was the best he ever had. And still does. When I got it together with him I too loved it too. A BIG plus as far as reconciliation goes.

Perhaps TMI, but we had a discussion last night that French kissing to him always turned him on. To me, it was just a lovely way to be intimate, without 'going the whole way'. Again, is this the difference between men and women?


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 231 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 13th (Monday)

((((alienstookmyexH))))


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 231 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 13th (Monday)

This thread is making me laugh.

Not sexless here either but not as often as he wanted. Not sure why I wasn't turned on by him packing on over 30 pounds and leveling up in Assassin's Creed after 14 hours of playing it on his days off.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 13th (Monday)

This thread is making me laugh.

Not sexless here either but not as often as he wanted. Not sure why I wasn't turned on by him packing on over 30 pounds and leveling up in Assassin's Creed after 14 hours of playing it on his days off.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 13th (Monday)

His abuse killed my desire for him.(which used to be strong)

I try not to cringe when he touches me.(because he is a liar and I don't even trust his touch anymore)

For the past couple of years, as a rule, I sleep on the couch with one eye open.(he likes to hit me "in his sleep" and snores like a chainsaw. Used to hold me tight, but that was probably only so I couldn't escape. )


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Little did she know my husband (when depressed) doesn't shower often. Sucks to be her!

Haha justice served bee-otch


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Wasn't sexless til ow. He became so damn mean, I slept on the couch half the time. When we did have sex, he couldn't finish the job....he called it stress, I call it c**tface

I asked him before I knew about the A, if there was someone else. He said, how could I.have an A when I can' barely get.it up with you. I actually believed him. It was just so weird that he had never had that problem, so I was very concerned and confused. I was trying to.be understanding and supportive and he milked it for everything it was worth. Dam I feel like a dumb ass for buying that shit.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:49 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
loveisareddress
Member
Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 13th (Monday)

All this and ED too.

Ain't it awful?


Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.


Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Yes, I was. MY STBXH is a PA, not diagnosed clinically, though.
He would withhold all and any type of affection whenever he felt real or imagined slights. If I came up and hugged him he would shove me so hard away from him. Once I hugged him in bed. He pushed me so hard away from him that I fell off the bed on my side.
The longest we went without sex was 2 years. He would never confess he was PA, instead he had me thinking I was a bad wife for not understanding his ED. Yeah, right, he had no problem getting it up for Shrek. I didn't know about the A or I would have left him a long damn time ago.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2342 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 13th (Monday)

When my WH was unfaithful with porn, online, and the ONS with the prostitute, we were having VERY little sex. Maybe 3-4 times a year.

NOW - there is ZERO sex. And for YEARS. ZERO hand holding, looking into each other's eyes unless it is a mean look, or touching in ANY way. (Due to his disability, I do help with a sleeve caught up in the arm of a sweater, and I give him hair cuts.) Other than that NO TOUCHING of any kind.

So - YES - it does really exist.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, January 13th (Monday)

. I was the BM in a sexless relationship for years at the fault of my WW, but I guess I don't count.

How did you interpret that you don't count, Jesu?

The question was, "Was anyone in a sexless marriage?"

Were only men supposed to answer?

No one would dispute that there are men in sexless marriages.

If anything, you might have chosen to interpret the number of posts verifying that many BSs were in sexless marriages, and not by their own choosing, as validation that you DO, in fact, have a great deal in common with many here.

Where did "I don't count" come from?

Were responses only supposed to come from the men of SI?

None of us is the WW who hurt you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:18 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8888 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Who said you didn't count? Jesu, just because the majority who posted on this thread were BW's doesn't imply that there were BH's who were in sexless marriages because of their WW's.

Just seems to be a lot of man hating going on. There doesn't seem to be much respect for betrayed males around these parts.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
burnedcanuckEMS
Member
Member # 35813
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Nope. In fact we were trying to conceive so we had a pretty busy sex life. That said, after three years of trying and his utmost refusal to look into why we couldn't conceive (as in he refused to get a sperm count done meanwhile I was being tested six ways to Sunday), the sex life did take a nose dive. That was the beginning of me becoming suspicious of what secrets he was hiding. The rest is history. We never did have kids ....


Me: BW 38, Him: WH 37
M: 07/07/07
DDay: 06/09/12
Divorce Granted on December 5, 2012 - fasted divorce ever (thanks to my good lawyer) and I am not looking back with ANY regrets!!

"And this above all else, to thine own self be true"


Posts: 254 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Alberta
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Just seems to be a lot of man hating going on. There doesn't seem to be much respect for betrayed males around these parts.

I feel for the betrayed men as much as the women. There are some wonderful caring men on her that have been kicked in the teeth by ws and it breaks my heart. I have a lot of compassion for them, especially those that are having to live an unfulfilled life because they don't want to lose time with their children. Maybe because there are more women members, you read a lot of issues about their men but what else are you suppose to post about when the sight is about infidelity and the ws is a man..I'm not a man hater.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Just want to say in no way am I a man-hater Jesu. I have just as much sympathy for betrayed men as betrayed women, and I spent probably 9 months supporting fWH's AP's husband after I outed the A to him, as he was falling apart and AP showed her true colours. Absolutely no remorse to him or me, her only concern seemed to be that she was financially ok.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 231 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I was not in a sexless marriage.

Jesu...the BM thread in the ICR forum is one of the most popular threads here on SI...it is read daily..by the women of SI. Not all, but many,many of us read it. Now, before you get mad and say it's so we can point fingers and laugh, let me set you straight. No. We read it because the Menz are very honest about their feelings. it's raw and it's real. I know *I* personally enjoy it because it shows another side to men..one women..well, one *I* rarely get to see. I have a FWH who doesn't talk about his feelings often. Reading the posts made by these men have helped me understand my husband a little better(though he is not a BS). Also, go take a look in the JFO forum. Find the threads started by the newly betrayed husbands. You will find post after post of support for these men..by women. Betrayed husbands are VERY MUCH supported on SI.

This thread has a lot of BW's posting. BH's were not excluded. A few have commented. Im sorry that you seem put off by the posts the BW's have made. They are talking about their marriage..not yours. While it may be difficult to understand, not all men want sex all the time. But it happens. And they have the right to talk about it on here, without having to concern themselves with whether they are impressing anyone.

Your comment about the BH's not being supported here on SI is horseshit.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I wholeheartedly disagree. I see a lot of disrespect for men in general on some of these forums. It's not everyone, but it is quite common and has become a growing concern for me as I rely on this particular site as part of my healing process. I have been attacked plenty of times personally.

I have also recieved an abundance of private messages supporting these concerns from others, validating my experience here. There's a lot of people afraid to speak out about it as they fear being attacked, and they are over the moon that someone like me has the strength to speak out...not just for myself, but for the multitude of other betrayed men.

Stick your head in the sand, tell me I'm wrong, attack me, put me down, tell me I'm crazy...but it is what it is, and I'm not going to be pushed down any further by insensitive people. I'm entitled to my views and opinions, and that should be respected.

[This message edited by Jesu at 5:22 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Jesu, pot meet kettle.

I feel you are the one who is "hateful" towards women, imo. I have noticed you going into threads to specifically say something about the women disrespecting men. All prickly and looking to be offended.

BW are betrayed by WH. I usually speak of only my experiences with my WH (as I did on this thread) not about men in general. What, am I supposed to be happy that my FWH told me to "Shut the fuck up!" and then want sex with me 15 minutes later? I didn't say "men" do that, I said my WH did that.

I have said negative things about someone else's WH, not a BH. But, again, it was that specific WH, not MEN!

Yes, I have seen threads here that someone started making a generalized statement about men. Those are usually pretty quickly red flagged by a Mod. Or, a member will point it out, oftentimes a female.

If you want to visit here and be all thin skinned and look for posts to be offended by, I am sure you will be able to find it.

Attacking BW's who aren't "man haters" because you are hurting isn't very becoming or helpful to anyone. It is rude and offensive, actually.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
nomoreplease
Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

MC_Jack, I don't feel anyone was trying to impress you.

Who said you didn't count? Jesu,

I may be reading it wrong, but I think I understand why MC_Jack and Jesu are having issues with this thread and maybe I can make it clearer.
a concession of a mostly sexless marriage but with it being the man's fault: not doing enough, not being attractive enough, etc.

Several of the BHs here lived in sexless/almost sexless M for years because of these same excuses, and not because it was true, but because nothing they did would’ve ever have been enough. And in fact, these BH’s were/are way over achieving in their M. When you’ve been rejected enough and nothing you can do was ever enough for long enough then those statements can become huge triggers.

I would say I was in this situation. I would say I was in a sexless M, by my xWW’s choice because she ‘didn’t want to’. And, no matter what I did I couldn’t change that. OTOH, all OM had to do was tell her how good she was at her job and she would drop her pants.

I’m not saying the same is true for all the BW’s on here, but can see why these BH’s would have issues with the W’s saying this.


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 447 | Registered: Jul 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

If they feel that way, why didn't they post on this thread and state the truth from their marriage?

No one here is discounting the BH's. If they were in a sexless marriage because of their WW, why don't they post? This topic "Was ANYONE actually in a sexless marriage?"

I don't feel there is "man hating" going on here, it is our WH's "hating" going on. We would happily read WW "hating", too, if BH would post.

No, I don't understand where MC_Jack or Jesu are coming from. We are talking about WH's not BH's.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

^^^^^ No More and I were married to the same WW.
Could not related to a comment more on this site.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Well then I would hope that the BH's who are upset with what the BW's are saying will try to understand..this isn't about THEM. The BW's are sharing THEIR situation..not theirs.

Im sorry for the BH's who had WW's who never wanted to have sex, then turned around and had sex with someone else. Just as I am sorry for the BW's who had WH's who never wanted sex, yet had an affair.

I don't see very many BW's posting that they didn't have sex with their WH's because he was ugly. I see a lot of them saying they were being abused, verbally and emotionally. I see a lot of them saying they were ignored..and that their WH's invested very little into their marriage, yet expected them to drop their panties because his dick was hard. I see women talking about their husbands.

Im mostly sorry that this seems to have triggered some of you.

(((BH's)))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

sister,
Shit like this
Not sure why I wasn't turned on by him packing on over 30 pounds and leveling up in Assassin's Creed after 14 hours of playing it on his days off.

]
These are the types of grenade's my WW would lob at me..... I think this is where these BH are coming from. If you live in a sexless marriage where these types of grenades are lobbed at you as reasons your spouse will not have sex with you .......... Just saying.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Difference being that isn't you, lord. This was a wayward husband who wasn't invested in the marriage but expected the wife to want to have sex with him no matter that he didn't take care of himself and was playing X-box 14 hours a day.

We are talking about waywards, gentlemen, not you BH who we adore and know you were as hurt as we are.

eta: And the grenade my FWH would throw at me was I was a stupid bitch and shut the fuck up. Oh yeah, and nothing I did was good enough.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 8:30 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

You know its really sad. My WW would sit and watch tv and say, "you see if you looked like Matthew McConnehey I might actually want to make love to you". Needless to say She wasn't Jennifer Garner, all I wanted was to be loved. And no mater how much house work, help with kids, go on dates, buy me better clothes so I feel sexier, could ever gain entrance into her pants. But Jack Waggon only had to blow smoke up her ass, and he was clinically obese. Not sure my physique was the issue. Just all a terrible mental abuse game. Just saying for some the barbs from the briar patch are still being picked out 1 by 1.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

It is sad, lord. And, that was a very special kind of fucked up of your WW to say that shit. (((lord))) But, again, remember this isn't WW's talking shit about their BH's. This is BW's talking about their WH's. This isn't about BH's.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
nomoreplease
Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Difference being that isn't you, lord. This was a wayward husband who wasn't invested in the marriage but expected the wife to want to have sex with him no matter that he didn't take care of himself and was playing X-box 14 hours a day.
The problem with this is that it can be a very gray area.
These are the types of grenade's my WW would lob at me..... I think this is where these BH are coming from. If you live in a sexless marriage where these types of grenades are lobbed at you as reasons your spouse will not have sex with you ..........
And even more so, there is just enough truth to the statement that you can’t discount it.

Not my situation but:

Not sure why I wasn't turned on by him packing on over 30 pounds and leveling up in Assassin's Creed after 14 hours of playing it on his days off.
Yes, I may have put on a couple pounds and I do play Assassin’s Creed (when there are more productive things I could be doing). So you stop playing Assassin’s Creed and start to work out, then you’re spending, too much time at the gym...


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 447 | Registered: Jul 2011
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Jesu -

You have a PM.


Posts: 36043 | Registered: Mar 2011
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I get you sister, I understand your point just shining a light on what I believe he was saying. For me these conversations trigger memories of the abuse. So I generally stay away from them. The general forum is a place to vent, I get it and treat it as such. Others have a difficult time separating, for some they perceive the same things being vocalized as a rail against men, Wayward or not.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Thanks, lord. I imagine that some BH's were triggered by this thread and projecting their feelings onto it.

FWIW, I think if any BW had a husband like you or nomoreplease, they would be screwing their brains out!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I was not in a sexless marriage...but our marriage did tend to run rather streaky in that area. We'd have a week or two or three where we'd run really hot a couple times each week, followed by a month or so where we'd have sex like once. I never thought too much of it, I just figured that in marriages this stuff was cyclical.

Someone said upthread that they thought that Jesu was looking for something to be mad about..I don't necessarily disagree with that. I think he may be confusing the "my WH" comments/vents as an attack on all men, which is not what I got out of it. I don't find this site to be anti-men, whatever that means.

That being said, as a man I can tell you there are some larger societal themes that can be irritating that some of us may be bringing with us into this discussion. I read a few posts upthread that invoked the tired "well maybe if he'd done some chores, I'd be more likely to put out" trope. That's hardly specific to this site (or relationship sites in general)...hell, I can probably crack open a GQ right now and find a paragraph on 'how to get her engine revving' or something silly-sounding like that. As guys, we get absolutely hammered with the idea that it's our job to 'get her in the mood' or 'get her juices going' or however you want to phrase it. Maybe this sword swings both ways, but I don't see it nearly as often....I mean, think for a moment on every time you've ever seen a guy not 'get it up' for sex in a film or TV show...it's always "this has never happened before, I swear"....annnnnnnd cue the jokes. You know what is never mentioned? "Maybe she's not doing enough to get him hard?"

My question, I guess, is this: Isn't that manipulation? I mean, if it comes to the point where I have to jump through hoops to get sex, I'm going to stick to masturbation. I think, in the broader cultural sense, that if a woman asks a guy to do X, Y, or Z so that she can be more relaxed and in the mood, its largely pegged as SOP by both genders....but if a guy attaches his own hoops, a great many times he'd be pegged as abusive for withholding sex. I can almost guarantee that if a great many dudes out there said, "You know what? I don't really feel *in the mood* unless my wife changes the oil on my Nissan first.", we'd be looked at like we had two heads.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 9:19 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

FWIW, I think if any BW had a husband like you or nomoreplease, they would be screwing their brains out!

Oh, if only that were true....


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
whoknows
Member
Member # 12597
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Double post

[This message edited by whoknows at 10:52 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


What goes around comes around...

Posts: 95 | Registered: Nov 2006
whoknows
Member
Member # 12597
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I don't think having or not havingbsex in a marriage is the issue. The issue is: can a person remain committed in the marriage.

My husband and I have not had sex for four years. We do not have intercourse nor any type of sex for me. He gets handjobs. The reason for this is because my husband is impotent due to health reason. And even with handjobs sometimes it cant happen due to his inability to get an erection.

Sadly, and I am jot sure if this is a "man " thing but he will constnlantly try to hump me. Like he wants to prove something to himslef. I have finally told him that I Ak perfectly fine with no sexton and no attempts at sex as it is too frustrating. He gets all mad when he cant get it up.

Now though I would love to have sex (I am only 42) I realize it isn't going to happen. I am ok with that. I have no desire to find it outside of my marriage.

Now, I am not so sure about my husband. I often feel that the adulterer is the weak person in the marriage. When the going gets tough then the adulterer gets looking to. someone else because on what HE or SHE THINKS is needed. From my husbands actions now I wouldn't be surprised if he did something outside of our marriage. Sure I would be hurt but not surprised be I already know he is the weak one in our marriage. I have already decided that should that happen, I will leave...it is the deal breaker. But I think for this reason my husband most likely will not do anything because he is now realizing that in the condition he is now, he s not a prize to be won

So back to the topic of sexless marriages. If that were a true reason for infidelity, I would have cheated four years ago. I choose not to be an adulterer.

Sorry for the typos.


What goes around comes around...

Posts: 95 | Registered: Nov 2006
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Thank you Facepunched and nomoreplease for articulating where I was coming from. In my one pithy post, I was just merely making a call for intellectual honesty.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I was just merely making a call for intellectual honesty.
*sigh* What do you mean by this, MC?

Face Punched, that is a great post and I agree, for the most part. Foreplay for a lot of women is different than foreplay for a lot of men, though, in general. Does it get your engine revving when your wife changes your oil for you, Face Punched? If so, then I would probably incorporate that into my seduction/lovemaking repertoire if that is what got my FWH turned on.

However, that isn't what this thread was about. I feel that some of the BH's are taking this personally as a generalized "men" thing when it is a WS (WW and WH) thing. That the WS would claim to their AP's that their marriage was sexless, when in fact, most of the times it wasn't. And, oftentimes if it was, it was the WS that was doing the withholding.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Facepunched - With respect,I think you're taking this far too personally.
I read a few posts upthread that invoked the tired "well maybe if he'd done some chores, I'd be more likely to put out"
. I think you might be missing the point, certainly as far as I'm concerned. This came up in MC sessions, when fWH said he used to "frequently do the washing up". He also completely missed the point. Nobody's counting how many times anybody's washed up, hung out the washing or whatever. It's how invested your partner is in everyday life, how much time they willingly spend with you and your kids, whether they ever notice things around them without it being pointed out to them in capital letters. Whether they have an emotional as well as physical connection with you.

Oh, and as far as changing the oil in the car goes, I'm far more likely to do that and other car repairs than H. Being a voluntary SAHM whilst my kids were small, I was also chief builder, decorator, drain clearer, gardener and anything else that needing doing.

Strangely, had a conversation with the boiler repair man yesterday on the same lines, that I am and always will be a feminist, but I sometimes feel that women still feel the 'dirty work' is men's work. And that's a shame, it doesn't do anybody any good.

So back to the topic - we don't all consider it to be the 'man's job' to instigate sex. And it's not a question of 'you do xxxx chores and we can have sex. To me, it's more a question of we've had a good day, done things together, on the same wavelength and I'd really like to put the icing on the cake and have some fun together in bed. Please don't assume all men, or all women, only think in a stereotypical way.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 231 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

sorry for the t/j
My mom and my aunt used to get into these discussions about their respective husbands. It would turn into this marathon of jokes and stories about their experiences. They both talked...actually they made fun of their husbands and their perceived flaws. If you listened you had to wonder how they possible stayed with these men. The conversations often degenerated into complaints about men in general.
How do I know about these discussion? Because they would freakin'''' have them with me sitting at the table. I was much younger, a kid really. Yet I had to wonder what this meant for me. I mean I was a man (or at least going to be one).
With some years behind me I know that they did not think/feel necessarily that way about all men, but it was their men...who were in fact WH''s themselves (and yes, that includes my own dad). If I had confronted them I am 100% positive they would be shocked I was ever bothered because they would (and I believe did) assume that I knew it wasn''''t aimed at me even though it felt very close to home.

Whenever I read BW''''s post here sometimes the discussions can seem to be about men in general. I remind myself that it isn''''t. It comes from a place of frustration and assuming we BH''''s who are "sitting at the table" know that what is being said does not apply to us or men like us.

Conversely I''''ve wondered if the BW''''s read a triggered BH''''s post and wonder "He doesn''''t think all women are like that, does he?"
end t/j

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:40 AM, January 14th, 2014 (Tuesday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
nomoreplease
Member
Member # 32755
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I feel that some of the BH's are taking this personally as a generalized "men" thing when it is a WS (WW and WH) thing.
I haven’t taken any of the posts on here personally, I’m just trying to clarify where people are coming from. Part of where I feel the disconnect is coming is that while I have the BH title, I don’t draw the distinction between betrayed and wayward in this context. Just because someone has the betrayed title, doesn’t mean they are not justifying not having sex with wayward thought processes (again not saying that is anyone in this thread).
I think, in the broader cultural sense, that if a woman asks a guy to do X, Y, or Z so that she can be more relaxed and in the mood, its largely pegged as SOP by both genders....but if a guy attaches his own hoops, a great many times he'd be pegged as abusive for withholding sex. I can almost guarantee that if a great many dudes out there said, "You know what? I don't really feel *in the mood* unless my wife changes the oil on my Nissan first.", we'd be looked at like we had two heads.
Very well said, FP.


Divorced...and moving on!

Posts: 447 | Registered: Jul 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

@Brandon ~ excellent! I read the BM (?) thread often. Many times I literally cringe when they speak of women, but they are speaking of WW's and most of the time, their WW. Yes, you have to realize that you are "just sitting at the table".


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
velvethammer
Member
Member # 40437
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

lordhasaplan

Since you quoted what I had to say about my WBF I think I should fill you in on some of the particulars. I NEVER complained about his weight gain. I said NOTHING regarding him playing video games all day on his days off except that losing put him in a bad mood and maybe he should take a break if playing them was going to piss him off. Two times he went to the doctor's for anal bleeding and was told to eat a vegetable once in a while and I BEGGED him to do that because I was concerned about his health. A friend of mine had gotten a pace maker and was our age (at the time 37) and I was at that point VERY concerned about his health considering he was a PI and sat in a van for 12 hours a day and never worked out. I said NOTHING when he would have money and vacation time to go on golf trips with his guy friends but never had any to take me anywhere including dinner. He had depression and we were both in school for our Masters degrees so I just let him do things that seem to make him happy. I am and have been in the fitness industry for over 25 years, have my own business and am the most certified instructor/trainer in my state. Exercise and diet greatly affect peoples' moods and the way they feel about themselves in addition to their physical health and quality of life. I encouraged him constantly (at his request) - we did mud runs together, I paid for a gym membership for him, we both bought DVDs for home which he would start and stop constantly, I bought equipment for home, there was never bad food in the house (I had no idea the money he was spending on fast food every day) etc. It is a passion of mine and I am good at helping people reach fitness goals. I NEVER put him down. I even gave him my website to design and told him he could now use me as a reference when going for jobs after he finished his masters. I believed in him and did everything to support him. Even my friends and family would buy him things and forward his resume to contacts of theirs to help with his job hunting so he could get out of the van.

At the time he was planning a 4 day fuckfest with his married cousin in another state, I was asking to go to Niagara Falls to try to work on us. The day before he left to see her, I was begging him to get help for his depression because I wanted him to live and was so scared he would have a heart attack. The next day he fucked her 3 times.

Bitter? Seriously? I'm angry beyond words so yeah at this point, I'm going to express the fact that he was 30+ pounds overweight and played video games all day on his days off and neglected the shit out of me and the house and our relationship. I'm going to let everything I've been holding in out and I have every right too. Him being 30+ pounds overweight is a big issue and not because I found him physically unattractive at that point but because of what all of his behaviors said about him which was that he doesn't even care about himself, how the hell can he care about me? It screamed he's quit on himself and on life and on us and on me. It screamed he needs help but he won't take it when offered or seek it out on his own. ANAL BLEEDING - MULTIPLE TIMES and he didn't care. I was SCARED.

I realize my surface comment about him being overweight and playing video games all day didn't spell out the underlying issues I had in my head but this was about my WBF, not men in general, not you, not Jesu. This is what him being obese and playing video games all day said to me - I DON'T CARE so again, I should find that attractive? And again, I was trying to rekindle us when he spent $1500 to fuck his cousin.

Sorry if this is all over the place and if this is considered thread jacking. I'm staring at the anniversary of them screwing for the first time today and considering he's been breaking promises left and right lately, shoving me, smacking my hand and discussing our relationship with self proclaimed cheating women, I'm a little testy over someone who doesn't know anything about my situation taking one comment of mine and turning me into a "bitter" woman.


Posts: 110 | Registered: Aug 2013
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Several of the BHs here lived in sexless/almost sexless M for years because of these same excuses, and not because it was true, but because nothing they did would’ve ever have been enough. And in fact, these BH’s were/are way over achieving in their M. When you’ve been rejected enough and nothing you can do was ever enough for long enough then those statements can become huge triggers.
I would say I was in this situation. I would say I was in a sexless M, by my xWW’s choice because she ‘didn’t want to’. And, no matter what I did I couldn’t change that. OTOH, all OM had to do was tell her how good she was at her job and she would drop her pants.

I’m not saying the same is true for all the BW’s on here, but can see why these BH’s would have issues with the W’s saying this.

Thank you so much for taking the time to understand, nomoreplease. Very well said.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)


Jesu, pot meet kettle.
I feel you are the one who is "hateful" towards women, imo. I have noticed you going into threads to specifically say something about the women disrespecting men. All prickly and looking to be offended.

BW are betrayed by WH. I usually speak of only my experiences with my WH (as I did on this thread) not about men in general. What, am I supposed to be happy that my FWH told me to "Shut the fuck up!" and then want sex with me 15 minutes later? I didn't say "men" do that, I said my WH did that.

I have said negative things about someone else's WH, not a BH. But, again, it was that specific WH, not MEN!

Yes, I have seen threads here that someone started making a generalized statement about men. Those are usually pretty quickly red flagged by a Mod. Or, a member will point it out, oftentimes a female.

If you want to visit here and be all thin skinned and look for posts to be offended by, I am sure you will be able to find it.

Attacking BW's who aren't "man haters" because you are hurting isn't very becoming or helpful to anyone. It is rude and offensive, actually.

No I am not hateful, not prickly, not looking to get offended, not thin skinned, not rude, and not offensive.

Thank you for your concern though.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

You know what is never mentioned? "Maybe she's not doing enough to get him hard?"

That's probably because you're reading men's magazines, who prey on men's insecurities to sell ads and magazines!

Check out Cosmo or women's magazines, and it will be about lingerie to turn him on, new moves to try, etc. Magazines write to their target audience, and typically target insecurities to sell their advertisers' products.

In my case, we were having sex regularly, but he'd always complain that we never had sex, or that it had been months, when it might have been a few days. Just another red flag I should have noticed! So if he were telling the low-frequency lie to me -- the person who would know best -- I'm sure he also told it to MOW!


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny


Posts: 3410 | Registered: Dec 2011
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Well, Jesu, I see you edited your post where you were calling "us" bitter, judgemental, blah, blah, blahs. Yes, that was rude and offensive. Now we are just insensitive. Whatevs!
Thank you for your concern though.
Respectfully, right back atcha'!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Why are you hell bent on attacking me? I've never directly called you anything. No, I am not rude and offensive...and I resent you repeatedly calling me that.

I edited my post on the advice of a mod, and to better clarify how I have been made to feel. I'm not looking to argue, just to express my opinion.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Jesu,

No one is attacking you. We're all allowed to post our own opinions and disagree without showing disrespect.

SisterMilkShake,

You've made your point.

Thank you


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37471 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I am sorry you had to get involved, wifehad5.

Sincerely, I am sorry you feel attacked Jesu. If I somehow made you feel that way, I am truly sorry. I will bow out now, wifehad5, and once again, I am sorry you had to get involved.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 7:01 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)


No one is attacking you. We're all allowed to post our own opinions and disagree without showing disrespect.

wifehad5, so far SisterMilkshake has accused me of being:

Hateful
Prickly
Looking to get offended
Thin Skinned
Rude
Offensive

I am none of those things. They certainly feel like attacks, and quite disrespectful, especially considering I have never directly called her anything.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

For which she has been flagged for and publicly apologized for.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37471 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Bravenewgirl
Member
Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I am just getting caught up on this thread. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply, and I am sorry if anyone found it triggery.
Hugs to everyone who is hurting.


Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
dogg
New Member
Member # 41995
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I once kept track of how many months went by with no sex. It was 8 months, and nothing from her as far as wanting intimacy. I was always the one who initiated it. Always the aggressor, always the love maker. While she rolled her eyes and said stuff like " I don't have time" or "you should have let me know yesterday". I don't call that a loving wife. I can remember one time when she made the first move. I was approx. 30 years ago before we were married. That is why I went else where. And yes it was VERY wrong. But a man has needs.


If I could turn back time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 17th (Friday)

That is why I went else where.

Oh dear.


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 17th (Friday)

my apologies, my comment was off topic and not needed.

Thanks

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:37 PM, January 17th (Friday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 17th (Friday)

What karmahappens said.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17905 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
realgood2u
Member
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

This sexless marriage crap gets on my last nerve. The one thing I have figured out is that it is impossible to have sex with someone who is not there.

I know WH used this line to get the women at work and at the bar to feel sorry for him. He even told his doctor he "wasn't getting any".

Did I spend my limited spare time chasing his crotch? No....cos he was not there.

We were mid-40s, two teen-agers, two jobs, recenty retired from military, married over 25 years with some looming health issues. Sex was not what it had been in years past, but I thought was OK for our time of life. I was looking forward to the next couple of years when kids would be on their way out and we would have more time to ourselves. I still loved him and until the doctor comment thought that he loved me.

WH had recently begun spending large amounts of late night time on the computer which meant I went to bed alone most nights. Did not know about the days he waited for me to leave for work then called in sick because he was sleepy or because he wanted to spend the day uninterrupted on the computer. Then he began "playing pool" at a local bar. I had never seen him play pool ever and he does not smoke or drink. ??? If he was really worried about the amount of sex why did he not stay home?

Then I did the math (I am a numbers person). Took total hours in a month deducted time for sleep, work and mandatory sports TV. Number wasn't too bad. But, you still had to have time for eating, bathing, house cleaning, going to grocery store, bill paying and you really should speak to kids occasionally. OK...smaller number.

Then the kicker. I deducted the 120 hours a month he was on the computer (per AOL, not just my guess)and the 40 hours a month he was at the bar. These two things alone cut that already small number in HALF. HIS CHOICE!

He no longer sings this song...to me at least....cos I pull out the numbers and he cannot win that argument.

So...once again you cannot have sex with someone who is not there.

[This message edited by realgood2u at 8:26 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cngsVlG3Z60


Posts: 385 | Registered: Sep 2008
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I think sexless was defined somewhere as less than once a month, IIRC. This M was sexless in that aspect, about once a month was it-kids in the bed kinda keeps you from having sex.
No kids in the bed any longer, we are up to about 2 times a month now, woo hoo.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5398 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Well, I am the BS -- and I would consider my marriage sexless. A couple times a month is about all I could count on.

At that rate, it might as well have been nothing. In my humble opinion, if the default answer is "no" then there is a problem. If the "rejected" spouse quits initiating then there is a problem.

I am going to be honest, on some level I had given myself "permission" to have an affair. I never did, even though I had opportunities with attractive women.

The main reason I did not -- I could not stand the thought of what an affair would do to my family. I thought of my kids. And even though I felt like my wife had done everything she could to ensure I would cheat, I still had to look in the mirror. So, I resigned myself to the situation and held out some hope that she would change.

Well, after D-day she was willing to have sex with me anytime I wanted. But it was too late.

So, not having an affair is still a choice, but a lack of sexual intimacy can certainly lead to an affair. To my surprise, she was the one who went down that path.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

but a lack of sexual intimacy can certainly lead to an affair.
i am sorry, I have to respectfully disagree with you Later. A lack of sexual intimacy doesn't lead anyone, anywhere.

You also said it was a choice. It may make one vulnerable, especially if they have a lack of boundaries, but it doesn't lead someone to an affair. You lead yourself everywhere you go. How about leading you to a divorce? Or, to marriage counseling? Or to individual counseling?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I can remember one time when she made the first move. I was approx. 30 years ago before we were married. That is why I went else where. And yes it was VERY wrong. But a man has needs.

So when you need to take a shit you'll just drop one in the bed?

30 years, you had a lot of time to take a lot of other options. "But needs" doesn't mean jack shit.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

It's okay Sister, I understand that it is not a popular opinion on this forum, and especially not in this thread. Nonetheless, I believe that the lack of a healthy sex life leaves both spouses more susceptible to the temptation of adultery.

Yes, adultery is still a choice -- and I chose not to commit adultery. But, there is no doubt that I was a lot more at risk than I would have been had sexual rejection not been the dominant theme of our sex life for many years.

And note that I am not saying it excuses the adultery. In fact, I believe it's not only the person who is sexually refused who is at greater risk, but also the spouse who is refusing.

I am not alone in these beliefs. I believe that this is also what is taught in 1st Corinthians 7:4-5. Certainly Paul was not giving anyone a free pass on adultery and neither am I.

And yes, there are other options. I tried many things -- including marriage counseling. It was a failure.

It became clear to me that nothing I did was going to make a difference. She needed a change of heart. Until she made a decision to make an effort, nothing was going to change.

What I did not try was divorce, as leaving my kids was against my values. Looking back, I wish I had made that decision. It would have forced the issue. Perhaps she would have started trying (as she did after Dday), or I could have left the marriage much earlier and I could have avoided this pain.

[This message edited by Later at 10:36 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

I believe that the lack of a healthy sex life leaves both spouses more susceptible to the temptation of adultery.
I agree with this statement. However, when you say it leads to an affair, I disagree. It didn't lead you to an affair because you still had boundaries and integrity. You were unselfish. The lack of sex doesn't lead anyone anywhere (as it didn't you), it is their brokenness that leads them to bad choices.

We didn't have a healthy sex life, it wasn't sexless, but almost. FWH had to beg me for sex. I love sex, love it! FWH was a selfish ass, though, (not sexually, very good, actually) and wasn't meeting any of my emotional needs. He would tell me to "Shut up, bitch!" and then 15 minutes later he wants sex. Sorry, not in the mood!

When we did the quizzes in "Not Just Friends" we found out that I was actually the person much more vulnerable to an affair. I didn't have an affair, like you Later, because from another quizz in the book we found out I had strong boundaries.

Anyway, Later, I was thinking maybe it is just semantics, because I feel we agree more than disagree.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Later
Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

I was actually thinking the same thing as I was reading your post.

I do believe that a sexless marriage is an unnatural and unhealthy state. I think that regardless of whether one is refusing or refused, the better course is to refuse to allow the marriage to stay in that state.

Whatever the underlying reasons are, be honest about them and discuss them. Don't let up. If the reasons persist, then divorce.

After Dday my STBXW finally talked to me. I really don't know whether she was being honest at that point or gaslighting.

But, if she was honest then there are many things that could have been resolved through a simple discussion. She claims that she thought I was having affairs for years. To be honest, I find that hard to believe. Her "evidence" of infidelity would have been comical if this was not so serious.

Meanwhile, the reality of the situation was that I was the guy who did not go to lunch with women, did not engage in inappropriate discussions, and did not tell or listen to jokes with sexual innuendo with members of the opposite sex.

I could go on, but my point is simply that my main regret is that I did not force the issue years ago. Since Dday I learned a lot about my marriage and my STBXW. I wish we had actually talked before.


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

I wish we had actually talked before.
So simple, yet so very hard!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
traditoperanni
Member
Member # 32660
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

The last 10 years-pretty much-yes. My DDay was 4 years ago and it has been sexless for sure since then. I just can't seem to get all worked up for him after what he has done. My fwh has been cheating on me for almost 37years and many of those years were not sexless for us, but the last 10 -no sex. I thought he wasn't interested anymore, we weren't getting along very much. I at times couldn't stand the sight of him especially when he was angry-which was all the time. He never initiated sex because he couldn't perform with me.
Now that he is in treatment for SA and seeing IC, group therapy and we are in MC he is feeling better about himself and wants us to "move forward". We've talked about intimacy in MC but I'm just not ready for that. The thought just turns my stomach. All I see is 37 years of effing other women. I also think that I am not ready to let my guard down and give 100% of myself just to get kicked in the gut again.
I feel that if he can wait and see, fine but if not, let me know now because I will not be forced into something I'm not ready for.
He's done pretty much what he has wanted for 37yrs and now it's my turn. There is no quick fix for what he has done.


Me- BS (63)
Him-WS (63)
M- 42 yrs
dday#1 11/09, Dday #2 10/11 and many since
P.A.'s - too many to count
LTA's too many to count (one for 37 yrs)
escorts etc- way too many to count.
Broken heart- too many times to count.
R- Getting bet

Posts: 429 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
crazyblindsided
Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

My WH was claiming sexless and we had sex 2-3x a week when he embarked on his A.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Yes, I was. Well he was having sex…just not with me. At first it was porn and then it was with a porn star lookalike (that is all I can do to describe her…she looks like she should be a porn star. Heavy makeup, hair extensions, dancer's body, spray tan).

The sexless thing started soon after we married. He just did not seem interested in it. He wasn't that great at it, either, never that interested in my pleasure…just his. So it wasnt like I wanted it from him. I just ignored it. I honestly can't remember feeling like it ever bothered me. We had sex to have our kids that was about it. Then after we had our kids…nothing. I tried to bring it up a few times…I got nowhere. He was not up for talking about it. I had NO idea he was looking at porn to the extent that he must have. I did find some porn on his phone and asked him to be more careful because we have kids. Had I been better informed, I would have known that porn contributes to ED and intimacy disorders. I made up a lot of excuses as to why we did not have sex - stress from work, financial pressures, etc. I filled in a lot of the blanks. Then he was really checked out of the marriage, wanting to go out with his friends (or so I thought). Finally for some reason I woke up from my stupor, decided I could not live like this for another 30 years and I asked him why we weren't having sex and by the way, who is Jane Doe (AP)? Well, wouldn't you know…cliche time...Jane Doe is just "a friend" and we aren't having sex because he thinks I am fat and unattractive, I've let myself go, blah blah blah. Of course that has nothing to do with the fact that he has been checked out of the relationship on some level for the entire length of the marriage.

Yes, the sexless marriage does really exist. And it is not always because both people want it that way. Usually it is one sided.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, January 31st (Friday)

What a contentious topic! I do believe that its roots, are communication and that nasty puritan anti-sex tradition. At least in my marriage.
We didn't start that way. But the minute I tried to encourage a bit of innovative, nothing crazy, just expressed my needs, I was shot down, mocked, and made to feel like a selfish slut. I stopped talking, but didn't stop planning for romantic nights, not frequently, but busy schedules, two often-sick children, required some fancy foot work on my part. He later told a MC that he didn't remember those Friday night dates. They went on for several years with few misses.
As the acting out commenced, (I didn't know about it at the time) his attitude toward me changed dramatically. I could do nothing right. Oh, he'd come home (hours late) and grind against me while I was juggling dinner, homework for two kids and my own papers to grade and plans to write and be pissed that I didn't respond immediately. Then he'd disappear to his "office" for a pornfest. I now was pissed, not because of the porn, I thought he was "working" but because I was left to do all the childcare and everything else. His bedtime was 2-3 AM. Or later. Sex was SO infrequent, and eventually, he couldn't finish, a form of ED, later he couldn't even start as the porn use continued, the strip clubs visits accelerated, and the other relationships started. I begged him to see a doctor, why are we not having a normal sex life? He talked, reluctantly about medications, AD, blood pressure, and mentioned that maybe I would have to be content with no sex life due to medical reasons. Hah. I had no sex life. He was having a party.

Briefly, VERY briefly we had this wonderful interlude. He got a job he ADORED. He thought he was a god. It required a long commute, so, once again, I was the one man band, but he treated me like a queen. Our sex life was wonderful. I felt loved, sexy, beautiful... Then he got fired and things were back to normal.

I pleaded with him. "What is going on? Why aren't we having a normal life? It clearly ISN'T the medication!". His answer, "your body DISGUSTS me!"

Okay. I do have to say that I was 5' 100 lbs and a regular gym goer. But two kids, stretch marks and 45.

So, that doesn't inspire me to jump into bed. But, I'm nota quitter. I continue to try. I succeed once in a blue moon. Mostly I fail. Sexy lingerie modeling results in him asking me to move because I'm blocking the TV. I do manage to trick him into it when he's half asleep once or twice.

But, of course by now he's having a PA with someone. He throw she under the bus, takes up with another OW, and we are back on the SK is ugly, fat, and stupid round of the game. No real HB. When I finally got the truth several years after the end of the PAs, I asked him why he would do that to me. "Because I needed a REAL woman! Not YOU!" When I sobbed that he always had told me I was "amazing" he snarled, "haven't you ever heard of positive reinforcement? I was hoping maybe you'd LEARN something!"

I was STILL willing to give him a chance. Maybe he was a changed person, maybe all that nastiness was just, well, whatever. I tried to initiate in a very romantic place, Hawaii, a dream vacation. He pulled away, "you always pick the WRONG times!" I'm not sure how I got that wrong. Moonlight shining in our stateroom, lovely dinner just before, a few glasses of wine, not too many, dancing, etc. I must REALLY not know what I'm doing..

Our last, and probably final attempt was two years ago. Once again, I booked us into a lovely place, dinner, a show, as we were messing around, he suddenly pulled away in disgust and told me he wasn't into necrophila. I, apparently wasn't writhing like a porn star, although from my angle I was enjoying myself. I'm not about to risk the humiliation again. Would you?

As a previous poster said,I don't care if he likes it or not. It's not the way I wanted my marriage to be, but I surely didn't want to be cheated out of a real sex life for 25 years and that's what I got. I think he owes it to me to live by my rules for a change, I was forced to live by his, given an std and had my entire marriage prove to be a sham. I've earned the right to protect myself as long as and in whatever way I need.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Sexless? I would say we have gone through periods of time in my marriage being sexless. But sexless forever...celibacy? Well....almost. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't always been the greatest husband and I continue to work at it. I have a lot to say on this subject, so forgive me if I'm a bit verbose and long winded. This is what happened in my marriage.

When we first moved in together it was many times a week. Not every day, but plenty. Then it started to taper off to the "normal" three to four times a week which was long enough to prevent my rejection cycle to kick in except for one week a month. My W doesn't have a sex drive like mine and I've accepted that. Not many people do. In the past there have been times where she was not in the mood, not feeling well, or if we scheduled it for a night and then she wasn't in the mood, I would take it as a rejection. I explain why I have this rejection cycle in my story in my profile. This was my issue. Not W's. I took the rejection as she didn't love me. Which lead me to resenting her for it. Which lead to me getting angry about it. Which lead to me being sad about it. Then keep cycling through these emotions until we finally do have sex. I try to say nothing about it and internalize it because deep down I know my thinking is super flawed and it's not her, it's all me. This is a common theme for me throughout my entire marriage and I try and keep it away from her. It's NOT her problem. It's MINE.

Throughout our marriage sex became less and less frequent. After our third child our sex life barely had a pulse. I could count on two hands how many times we had sex that year. My wife was having sex with me out of obligation because "it's what married people are supposed to do." I'm cycling like crazy through my rejection cycle every minute of the day. I'm having a hard time comprehending how we went from sex all the time at the beginning of our relationship to almost never. I know that a good portion of our sex life took a serious blow because of W's medical conditions. She went into peri menopause and has all sorts of uterus complications after child #3 was born. She's had to have a few procedures done since 2010 and she now discussing a hysterectomy. Throw in endometriosis and she's not doing well at all. I love my wife. I have a heart and can see that she's having major issues. So I say nothing about wanting to have sex, internalize it, and go through my rejection cycle constantly. I point to the calendar and say we haven't had sex in six weeks, tow months or whatever, and she gets pissed. She knows. I don't have to hit her over the head with it. Our sex life goes down to barely having a pulse. I'm thinking my wife hates me at this point and our relationship begins to die. As far as parenting, being best friends all the other stuff outside the relationship we were on the same page and were fantastic together. People would never know looking at us that we had this not existent relationship anymore.

We have sex once in Jan 2013. Flip the calendar to Feb 2013 and our sex life dies. Completely. All other things in our life running on all cylinders. Everything else between us is perfect. Focused on everything but our relationship. W is still having major uterus issues, has had two procedures done and is still bleeding a lot and I console her about it. But we don't talk about the elephant in the room. Almost all of March goes by without any sex and I start to think to myself I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life. I figure if we don't have sex by April 1, I'm going to be celibate forever. April 1 comes and goes. So in order to not go through that vicious cycle anymore in my head I kill it. No more sex no matter what. My rationale being that if sex is off the table I can't be rejected anymore. I can stop the hurt. So that's what I do.

The cycle does stop for me and is replaced by something else. A deep sadness. I go into mourning for our sex life. It's gone and I'm going to be celibate. But I would rather have one emotion about it than spin out of control with the others. I'm 39 years old and it's all about me and my dead sex life in my head. I lost 5 people I was close to including my brother in a 2 year time period so I knew that the mourning would subside eventually, and it did over the next few months. Funny though, my W comes to me shortly after the first week of last April and initiates sex. I turn her down. In fact I turn her down 2 more times during that week. Now she knows something is wrong as I have NEVER turned down sex my entire life. But she doesn't want to talk about it and I don't want to talk about it. Everything else is running great so why and rock the boat? Eventually the sadness of our sex life starts to diminish in my head and I start to be ok with it. I really truly accepted it.

Fast forward to end of June 2013. We have not had sex now for a full five + months. I'm going to be turning 40 in Oct and I start to look at my life. I look at it and I'm not happy. I see this wasteland of dead people and relationships. My parent's dead marriage, my dead brother, all this damage over the years. I'm a guy. I need to fix things. That's what we do. Most of it I can't do much about, but maybe I could resuscitate my relationship with W? I really want to and the fact that our sex life is gone is sad. I start to think about it for a solid week non stop.

What's going wrong? I ask her for sex. She says no. I feel rejected. Rejection to resentment. Resentment to anger. Anger to sadness. Repeat. I actually figured that out about myself that week in June. Ok this is on me. What next? How do I make her feel? Not sure. I throw the calendar at her and say it's been six weeks. Hmmm... I'm guessing that's a problem. What's next. Do I try and make her feel good about herself? Ummm....nope. I throw a calendar at her and expect sex. I already got her all those years ago why do I need to pursue her? All the other girls before I met W would just give sex whenever I wanted. OH SHIT!!! Look at his paragraph. All of the reasons are me. I'm the bad guy not her. I've been a shit and expected it because I always got it whenever I wanted it prior to our marriage. I haven't treated her right in this area at all. How can I fix this?!?! If you've seen my background you will understand this question I ask myself. What would my mom do? Go fuck someone else and not communicate so I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to go and talk to her but how do I approach her? I'm really scared.

I want to take time out here and stress something. Looking back through all of the above it NEVER occurred to me in any of my thoughts to go after someone else. Never once to have an affair of any kind. Not once even for a second did I have that thought. I'm not looking for a f'n medal here or pretending to be some sort of hero. I'm not. My "formation" from my youth is what shaped me. If I came from a toxic environment, I was not going to allow any of that type of thinking to creep in. Not even for a split second. I have a family and can't go there.

Back to how do I approach my wife? That's the tough part. I forget exactly how it happened. We were in the bathroom getting ready for work one morning and I forget what she said but I made a comment about something regarding the no sex elephant in the room and we agreed to talk later that night. We then had a series of discussions around that time and ended up having passionate sex at the end of June to break a five + month drought. But the drought wasn't totally over and has even returned once recently. We had some serious issues to work through together but the point was we were communicating. During this time we realized that due to her female issues we had to find other ways of having sex together. Even if it wasn't conventional sex (crazy how much fun you can have nowadays if you keep an open mind about it). Previously over the years we had developed a pattern of having sex just out of laziness. We would watch a little bit of porn to get us warmed up (always me putting it on of course), then we would have a set guide of what and how we would have sex. We both recognized that we have to get over our pattern, try new things, kick down inhibitions, and more than ever communicate with each other. This has not been easy. Seems almost impossible at times. Sometimes things have been out of this world great, other times it feels like we are back at the beginning (even though we know we are not).

We continue to struggle. We continue to work at it. She has been working through her issues both physically and mentally. I continue to work on myself and my issues which is why I'm here on SI. We do it all together.

Sexless marriage? Hardly. Sexless at times. Certainly.

PS. My lady friends get a kick out of this. I refer to the old me as Mr. Calendar Guy. That guy that comes in and hits you over the head with the calendar and expects you to throw yourself in the bed and spread em. Guilty as charged. I have consciously kicked him to the curb. Ahhh...Mr Calendar Guy. Pitiful. Good riddance.

yop (formerly MCG)


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Spelljean
Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, February 3rd (Monday)

According to WH, he told OW we were like "relatives" however, that was far from the truth. We had cycles like any couple.

It wasn't sexless. The A happened during a down cycle. Which still wasn't sexless, just less frequent.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
RunGuy
New Member
Member # 42338
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Just a bit of info: I'm early 30's, as is the wife. Married over 10 years. She had a "got drunk and kissed a guy" (and then some emotionally, but not sexually, inappropriate emails over the next couple of weeks) issue a couple of years ago that we've since moved past. We really have a great relationship and are very close.

I can really relate to the "cycle" yearsofpain mentions. It's completely that way for me.

I wouldn't define our marriage as sexless, but it's not far off. Good months might mean 3 or 4 times. Normal is 1 or 2 times a month. I can't remember a time in the last 5 years where there's been any frequency approaching a once a week average, and in the more than 10 years we've been married, I don't think it's ever been that frequent for more than a month or two.

For me, it's a big issue and always has been. I don't need sex every day, but would be ecstatic with twice a week. My wife is generally not a physically affectionate person, though, so it's nowhere near the top of her priority list. She loves me, and likes being the recipient of some affection, but generally doesn't dish out much other than hugs or a peck on the cheek. Yep... We don't even kiss often. She's mentioned in the past about it seeming awkward. And, I completely agree. The reason it's awkward for me is that I'm always waiting for the rejection that inevitably comes when I initiate. She's expressed a desire in the past for me to "take" her... but when I get my advances rejected or there's no positive response (no "that feels good" or her moving closer to me), I'm not going to force myself on her. That's not the kind of thing that turns me on in the least.

I wish there was something I could point to as being "wrong", but I can't. We have 2 kids (elementary age), so that obviously adds some stress. She doesn't work outside the home, but home schools the kids and volunteers. I don't work long hours, and don't travel. We spend a lot of quality time together, and both have a shared hobby and other activities that keep us together a lot. We get along very well, and don't really have fights. She's very physically fit and I'm very, very attracted to her. I'm affectionate with her, and make sure she knows it with my words and actions. I'm not a short-tempered person, so I very rarely even raise my voice at her, let alone say mean things to her. I try to be continually kind and praising. I am not perfect, by any stretch, but I try to treat her well. She does most of the housework since she stays at home, but I help out with parts and take care of the guy things like maintenance. I'm in good shape, and take care of myself. I work out every day, try to look nice, etc.

I've resigned myself, at this point, that there's nothing I can really do about it. It's not related to something I do or don't do, or something I can control. I've talked with her about it, and I get different responses: anger (that's all you care about), dismissal (I'm just not in the mood or it's just not important to me), slight agreement (yeah, I know), or silence. I've decided to not bring it up anymore because I'll either not like the response (anger or the "ugh, that's the last thing I want to do right now" response), or nothing will be accomplished. I've expressed to her that it's a need I would like met, and she chooses not to. And that is probably what sucks the most to me. I'd really just love to have my wife be physically interested in me, desire me, be affectionate, respond to my advances, etc.

Ultimately, I won't leave her for it. The rest of our marriage is very, very good. And, I've got two kids with her and I don't think it's an issue worthy of divorce, even though it really does suck. It's part of accepting her for who she is and loving her without regard to what I get out of the deal.

I've never cheated and make sure I don't give my wife a reason to doubt me. She's not cheating... I'm sure of that. But the general lack of physical affection is what made her little thing with the other guy so hard on me. She doesn't even act that way with me, why with him?

I'm afraid to know the real reason. Both options seem depressing: she's not into me "that way" (ouch), or she's not driven "that way" (it won't get better).

Are there other possibilities? What am I missing? What causes the physical withdrawal? Could hormone issues be at play? Am I just the nice guy who loses out?


Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2014
Calli0pe
New Member
Member # 41683
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

He told people we were only having sex once a month. In reality it was once a week on average, sometimes more.


Me: BS, 35
Him: WS, 37
Married 5.5 years, friends for 10 before that
D-Day: Nov 29 2013
"Massage" parlors & Casual Encounters
Working on R, not sure I can live with it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: North Texas
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Hey RunGuy

I've never cheated and make sure I don't give my wife a reason to doubt me. She's not cheating... I'm sure of that. But the general lack of physical affection is what made her little thing with the other guy so hard on me. She doesn't even act that way with me, why with him?

I'm afraid to know the real reason. Both options seem depressing: she's not into me "that way" (ouch), or she's not driven "that way" (it won't get better).

Have you spoken to your wife about this? You need to get this out on the table with her. I know you are scared of the answer, but getting the truth, which ever truth it may be, will set you free. You can then address it with her as a couple. One of the scariest things I've ever had to do was talk to my wife about problems in our relationship. But so worth it once we got through our issues. My wife sounds exactly like yours in many ways (minus the little thing with the other guy), but once we addressed everything and worked on it as a couple, we had many more connections and she opened up to me physically as well as mentally. It's getting those connections which may be why she opened up to OM (whether it was a "real" connection or not)? Talk with your wife. Address these thoughts and feelings. Establish connections on many levels with her. Before you know it you may end up having a night like I did last night where I was attacked.

Give it a shot. She is your wife after all.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

At Dday, we were actually in the midst of the best sex life of our entire marriage. We were having sex 3,4 times a week. Occasionally more than once a day! It was literally a dream come true for me. A couple of years ago we were having no sex. Maybe once every 6-7 weeks! I've now discovered he was deep into porn (which he's yet to admit, but his credit card confirm it!). I was begging for attention and affection (& sex) and got rejected regularly.

But as soon as things turned around, literally overnight, bam..... I catch him with a hooker!

My gut (and a few pieces of intel) say he's been with one before, probably why our sex life was non-existent, in addition to all the porn.


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I don't believe in sexless marriages.

My ex told me that he and OW had spoken about us not having had much sex.

We were too scared to have sex during my pregnancy with DD from me nearly miscarrying DS after we had sex one night. And then the following months after DD was born, and me having to wear a catheter due to bladder problems from my pregnancy, kinda killed sex for a bit.

Oh but poor xWS, I am such a mean bitch to not perform for him.

This kind of shit really makes my blood boil.

I hope he's happy wanking every night in his shitty flat with his shitty existence.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Duplicate!

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 5:46 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

I think posters in this thread need to take a deep breath and realize that everyone has triggers...and sometimes, your trigger might even be in exact opposition to another poster's trigger.

For example, I personally triggered when I read a post that seemed to suggest men should get sex just because, and if they don't, they are being mistreated--because my husband cited his main reason for cheating as lack of sex. But I also realize this is a particular sensitivity of mine, whereas the poster was commenting from a place of his own sensitivity.

The thing I've read and come to believe is---people are different. Many women (and some men) require feeling a connection and emotional intimacy PRIOR to having sex--which they get through spending time together, talking, etc.. Many men (and some women) need sex to feel a connection PRIOR to expressing emotional intimacy via talking, spending time, etc.

See the Catch 22?

Basically, it takes BOTH partners needs being met to have a healthy sex life. True story. Like most of marriage, it's a 50-50 responsibility. So if you are blaming your spouse for a lack of sex, or vice versa, it probably means your communication sucks. (Note: obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but I think the above holds true much of the time. This does NOT apply once one partner is having an affair. At that point, there is only one person "in" the marriage, and IMO any lack of sex falls directly on that spouse's shoulders.)

We did not have sex enough pre-A, and I was the one refusing. I own that.

We did not have sex enough pre-A, and WH did not work to give me the connection/time I needed to feel okay having sex. He owns that.

Any spouse blaming "sexless marriage" for their A is blame shifting. Period. It might have contributed to a rocky marriage, but only the WS's bad choice is to blame for the A.

I will tell you when WH finally gave me more insight into what a big deal it was for him, I tried harder to address my libido issue. Of course, by then, he'd already had sex with three other women...a little too late. We both beat ourselves up over that.


RunGuy--

Please give The Sex-Starved Marriage a try--both you and your spouse. It's the book I wish we'd read prior to my husband's As. I think in your case it has the potential to be very beneficial.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 5:50 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
lostinthesouth
Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

ours was not sexless-until the howorker came into the picture and then I questioned what the problem was because it did taper off or he had "performance" issues. Find out through texts after dday--howorker was the best sex ever-even better than his wife talk about a blow to the self esteem. Now ---> trigger

Posts: 110 | Registered: Nov 2013
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

The thing I've read and come to believe is---people are different. Many women (and some men) require feeling a connection and emotional intimacy PRIOR to having sex--which they get through spending time together, talking, etc.. Many men (and some women) need sex to feel a connection PRIOR to expressing emotional intimacy via talking, spending time, etc.

See the Catch 22?

Well said Spotless!!! That is the exact catch 22 that my wife and I fell into. Exactly! It took years of very little sex followed by 5 months of NO sex to figure that out. Thank god we did.

I'll look into that book The Sex-Starved Marriage. You have my attention. Thanks

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 6:30 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2222 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 136