Wayward Side
User Topic: TJ on confession of the affair ...
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

smez - NO ONE should listen to anyone on this site that tells them to ignore an IC/MC advice

Respectfully, I disagree with this blanket statement. I think that many of us here have had conflicting opinions of our IC/MC counsellors. How do you know if you have a good IC is a regular post here in fact. The trick IMHO is to listen to your soul when you wonder if you have gotten good advice or not.

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused, donít listen to your heart, its fickle, listen to your soul, God doesnít steer you wrong.

Like all of us, our IC/MC counsellors have different skills, abilities, focus and professional credentials. That means that if all things are equals, you would expect that you would get a range of advice on any given issue from anyone at any time. That includes getting advice on whether to confess or not.

As someone who had read extensively from the WS book list, I think I am not exaggerating that 85% of them advocate being honest and open and confessing to the affair as being fundamental to the process.

Cee64D - Speak the truth even if your voice shakes.

As I said earlier, IMHO, confessing isnít only about the BS and their need for transparency and honesty. I think, on a more fundamental basis, itís what the WS needs in order to start self-healing.

Donít get me wrong, I'm not totally embracing of the whole new world touchy feelie crystal healing thing but I canít deny the feeling that weíre all trying at some instinctive level to live a life that is good and kind and authentic. How can we ever get there if weíre hiding a secret as big as adultery?

Adultery isnít just about the sexual part. Adultery is the lying to ourselves and others. Adultery is letting passion overrule reason. Adultery is letting the greedy kid inside win instead of the grownup which we were. Adultery is wrong and we all know it or else we never would have come to this site regardless.

UnexpectedSong - I will always be the one with that broken soul - pieced and glued together, maybe, but you can see the seams and duct tape. It's ugly.

How can letting go of the dark side be wrong? How can letting truth and honesty win be wrong? Will being honest be harmful to a marriage? Well, we canít deny that it could result in a huge messy divorce but then look again at this issue. What is lying and secrecy doing to your life right now? You know your moral compass is out of kilter and you have to live with that every day. Yes, it seems like its easy now but trust me, things kept in the dark fester and grow even if we donít see it. Hell, especially if we try to hide it in the dark.

Anon - You can close your eyes from the things you donít want to see but you can never close your heart from the things you donít want to feel.

So, what happens when your MC tells you to not confess? Well, if you donít mind someone telling you to lie, deceive, hide the truth and be a liar, then I guess you can follow that advice.

If on the other hand, you can feel in your bones that being authentic and honest is where you want to go, then you have to accept that confession is one of those steps that you just have to take.

Floridaredman - We all must suffer the consequence of infidelity, those of us who chose to stray.

I think that 95% of us all eventually confessed, either when confronted or on our own and many of us have had to live with the extra damage done by trickle truthing our confessions too. That is why there seems to be a core belief about the benefits of confessing. But ultimately, you make your own decision. I just hope that you wonít have to come back here in the future anguishing over the fact that the continuing deceit is what cost you your marriage.


Unknown Poster - Regret is insight that comes a day too late

Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 12th (Sunday)

Good post, HUFI. I agree with all your points.

FWH didn't confess to me. He thought he could control it all. I finally found out 6 years after the affair ended by OW pretending to be the second dead ex-husband in a letter.

Whether one confesses or not, you have no control over the other players in the sick, secret drama. There were a number of people who knew who could have told me. How much better it would have been for FWH to tell me. Instead, he choose to cover his ass and make no real changes in himself.

The lies he continued to tell me and all the lies of omission are the things that really could have been the death of our marriage.

So many BS's agree, it isn't so much the infidelity (don't get us wrong it hurts like hell and is massively wrong) but the lies are what we feel would really do us in.

I don't believe most WS's can heal and become better people if they don't confess. How can one heal when one is still lying? When one isn't authentic? It takes integrity and that is what is needed. We need to see that you own what you did and will stand and accept the repercussions that your choices caused. That doesn't include abuse, and I never abused my FWH, although I did have some evil thoughts. (I truly understand the cray cray of Lorena Bobbit now!)

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9844 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Agreed. If you have the opportunity, confess and take your first step toward authenticity.

Being discovered puts your integrity in question forever.

I did not confess. I was discovered. If I knew then what I know now...well, I wouldn't have had an A to begin with, but I at least would have confessed.

Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

My fWH got away with several affairs. Even when I was suspicious he would lie his way out of them. Then came the one that I discovered. The one with the woman in my church. I can only assume that because he got "away" with the others he was emboldened in the last one. He not only had control of his life choices but my life choices. He decided by omission what moves I would/could make about my education, my health and my family.

He loved me so much (yes that is disgusted sarcasm) that he felt the need to treat me like a child, expose me to STD's, a crazy OW keep himself insolated from consequences. He loved me so much that he chose to live a lie and forced me to live one. He loved me so much that he robbed me of years...including time with my dying father.

He loved me so much that his desire to keep me in the dark and then gas light me into believing that everything that I felt was all in my head....(pushing me to the brink of suicide on more than one occasion) was so strong that he was willing to live as two people...the one he presented publically and the one who lived with us.

One might not want to live a life of truth and honor but you absolutely do not have the right to make that choice for someone else. You don't know how much time they have left on this earth. How much time they have left with loved ones. You don't have the right to limit any of that by guiding someone trough lies.

As for counselors....they all aren't qualified to deal with every situation. Some specialize in marriage and family. Others specialize in bullshyt. Typically the people who have been here any length of time usually figure it out pretty quickly when someone is dealing with a counselor who has a degree from head up my butt university.

[This message edited by scared&stronger at 6:51 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.

Posts: 3976 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 37658
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I don't believe most WS's can heal and become better people if they don't confess. How can one heal when one is still lying? When one isn't authentic? It takes integrity and that is what is needed. We need to see that you own what you did and will stand and accept the repercussions that your choices caused. That doesn't include abuse, and I never abused my FWH, although I did have some evil thoughts. (I truly understand the cray cray of Lorena Bobbit now!)

I was thinking almost the exact same thing earlier tonight...including the Lorena Bobbit part. Weird.

So, for anyone on the fence about confessing: I am the BS here. My fWH had essentially gotten away with it. His A was in 2001. I really didn't have a clue. He confessed in 2012. Since our DDay, he has said a few times that he wished he didn't tell me because of the hurt he caused me. I have never once wavered in being glad that he told me. It sucks, of course. I hate it but at least I now feel we are in the same marriage. Prior to DDay his guilt and the need to hide it, I think, kept him from being a true partner in our marriage. Those years from 2001 to 2012 weren't great. But 2014 is looking pretty good.

And, I should add, there was no TT after the confession. If I asked a question, I got the answer.

me BS
him WH
his A was in 2001, DDay confession 9/5/2012

Posts: 102 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 5