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User Topic: Husband - Adamant "just friends"
PurpleLilac
New Member
Member # 42031
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 4:18 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


Me-BS
Him-WH

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Move forward cautiously.

My H also said, "just friends". At the time they were in an emotional affair. Lots of texting, phone calls, "business" dinners, after work drink, etc. I found out, he said they would cool it. He told her that there would be no more friend connection. Until she came crying saying she could not live without her best friend. Exactly 6 weeks later they started a torrid 3 month physical affair that would make a hooker blush.

He thought being friends was cool and opposite sexes could be besties without issue. He had someone who called him first thing in the am and the last thing at night. I trusted him to keep his word. That was my mistake to let them make me feel uncool and not "with it".

After you read "Not Just Friends", have your H read it with you. Hopefully he will come out of the fog.

When does a friend quit being a friend and become "the other person"? When they hide the calls and texts. When they keep secrets. When they insist on privacy from their committed spouse.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 4:13 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Sorry you're here but glad you found us. You're doing a lot of the right things already. Telling the OW husband is a smart move. Not Just Friends is a great read and very relevant to your situation.

You note "Him wanting to make sure our marriage is in place" and then later "Positive he won't want to read."

If he means the former then he will read it. If he won't read it, he doesn't mean the former.

This is a long hard slog with an uncertain destination. Take care of yourself physically. The stress can eat you up and you need to eat and sleep and take care of that part of you as best you can.

hang in there


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1498 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Anytime a third person is taking emotional time, energy and attention away from the marriage it is an A, at least an EA. The fact that he won't give her up for you speaks volumes. He is in his own kind of "fog". He doesn't have to sleep with her, or say that he loves her, for it to be a betrayal. All he has to do is put her ahead of you, which he is doing.

My H did this, after PA but before I knew the truth about it. He thought because he wasn't having sex and it wasn't emotional and he was mentoring an employee it was okay. He texted her, erased them, called her, went out with her and her H when I was out of town. He stubbornly refused to stop because he "wasn't doing anything wrong" and they were "just friends". After everything came out in the open and he came out of his own fog he realized that this, too, was a betrayal. It also caused trouble at work because of fears of favoritism. He is so sorry now, but at the time I could not reach him; I was ready to divorce him over the disrespect.

Read Not Just Friends. But even if he hasn't or doesn't slide down the slippery slope to PA he is already cheating. I'm afraid he needs his own version of a wake up call.

Best of luck.

[This message edited by catlover50 at 4:32 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Lucky2HaveMe
Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Oh I got the "Just Friends" mantra for MONTHS! Then it turned to...

* She was a good friend
* She just wants me to be happy
* She has given me advice

blah, blah, blah

He willingly gave his emotional self to her - something I had longed for our entire marriage.

Then it became...

*Ok we did kiss once
*OK she did give me BJ once
*OK! we had sex in the car once

THEN, with the help of the scorned OW, I found out it was a 3yr EA, culminating in a full blown PA with hotel stays etc.

I caution that you may not have the whole story. Stay diligent. Stay aware. What finally got him to start telling me the truth was when I read passages from "Not Just Friends" to him during a 4 hour car trip - great captive time!

Hugs and welcome to the site no one wants to join.


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6550 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

So did mine.

Now we are divorcing he lives with her.

I never found out the whole story.

If they are "just friends", he will choose you over her in a heart beat. Male friends of mine have done it for their wives to me with my absolute support. Because we were just friends.

Think about your male friends and what you would want them to do if their wives were uncomfortable with your friendship.

Or think about what you would do if your H was uncomfortable with a male friend of yours.

These are the things I thought about and compared to what my WS was doing. No way were they just friends if he couldn't put me and his child above a "friend".


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
nomoredreams
New Member
Member # 41907
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

God, I am so sorry.
You are telling my story...except for the running. Mine never took up running. Just cheating-and herpes which he shared! Just friends seems to be code for look deeper, so please do. Above all, protect yourself. God bless. nmd

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jan 2014
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Just friend story too, until I found nude pictures of her posed all over my house.
No friend I ever had would do that, then he reluctantly confessed. And I do mean reluctantly, trickle trickle trickle barely an encounter much less what evidence showed by time stamp on pictures, Busted.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
PurpleLilac
New Member
Member # 42031
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 4:18 PM, February 21st (Friday)]


Me-BS
Him-WH

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Well, you want him because he's your H and you love him.

And also there's a psychological response in us to desperately hang on to people who are rejecting us. Sometimes when we get them back we realize we don't actually want them.

Ask him if he's being YOUR friend right now.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

He says "I can't believe you'd divorce me for having a friend."
I would reply "I can't believe you would chose a "friend" over me."

If there wasn't anything to hide, this "friendship" would not have been hidden. Yes, definitely an emotional affair. So very sorry. (((Purple)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9796 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I agree with Sistermilkshake. I recently found my old journal and read it. My husband was ready to divorce me for not letting him have his "friend". Even though this female friend has apologized and said she will back off....do NOT trust this to happen. Stay vigilent. I would expect that it will go underground. You will know by your H behavior. Watch for new email accounts, a second phone, secretive actions. They might even try to get together in couples activities to "prove" nothing is going on. DONT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!

My husband's "friend" also ended up in a PA. I could see it happening, but no amount of begging, pleading or anything else would get him to stop. He just went deeper underground. It was more important than our marriage to him at the time.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1642 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
statistic
Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Your intuition is spot on. The more he tries to spin you around, confuse you, or convince you that you are crazy, the closer you are to the truth. It's difficult because you are being fed lies, minimizations, and half truths, but do trust yourself.

I gave my husband the benefit of the doubt. I posted on SI and received the same feedback your getting. I ignored and resented it. As a result, I had 2 more d-days which informed me of just how extensive the affair was.

What he is doing is wrong. It is a betrayal. And he knows it. I suggest drawing a hard line and sticking to it. The fact that they need to maintain contact for work will only make it all the more difficult for them to stop the affair if they decided to do so. Is there really no way to drop this client? My husband have me the same story and they picked right up again. I found out again and he dropped her like a hot potato because I moved out. All of a sudden, it was possible to cut her out.

Now that they are aware of your knowledge, they will most likely take it underground- communicate in ways that are less obvious or traceable.

Of course you still want him. He is your husband. His was literally just dropped on your lap without warning. Your feelings towards him do not change so quickly, if at all.

You are doing everything right.

(Strength)


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Can you be the contact person for this project? You can talk to her and then you talk to your WH. As soon as this project is over, don't take another from them. Cut her out.
"my wife is crazy" line, so she is reluctant to drop her "friend".
Who the hell does she think she is? After the project is over I would tell her to fuck off and die!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9796 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
littlefoggy
Member
Member # 41429
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I agree to watch for it going underground. Not just phone bills. FB chat. Third party apps. iMessage (iPhone texts don't always show on the phone bill).

Stick to the 180. I wish I had stuck to it more early on. I wouldn't have put myself through unnecessary pain.


Me: BW 30
WH 37
DDay 11/12/13
Divorcing

Posts: 497 | Registered: Nov 2013
lqqk4answ
New Member
Member # 41662
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, January 13th (Monday)

My husband, whether he wants a friend or not, has continually rejected me for her.

For me, that is a clear signal as "NOT" just friends! See, I had a couple of "just friends" of opposite sex and my wife didn't feel comfortable with them so I simply and immediately quit being friends, with out question. Friends simply never come before the spouse and marriage - NEVER! Now it's my wife that has a "just friend" but like you she places him before me and the marriage! To me, that is the clear difference between being "just friends" and "NOT just friends".

I'm so lost and he has a way of making me feel crazy, or hyper sensitive. My sister checks me back, but in the emotional turmoil of it all, those doubts creep back in.
yes, you tend to start saying it is me, I'm being jealous for nothing, etc. but in the end YOU have to trust YOU, your gut. There is much to learn about like stonewalling, rug sweep, trickle truth, blame shifting (which might be what is happening to you here). But you have SI and a great book "not just friends" -- read it as fast as you can! I recommend to use a highlighter as some parts are worthy of highlighting!

Much good advise here ... I would just like to emphasize and restate a few points made ... It's worth hearing again!:

When does a friend quit being a friend and become "the other person"? When they hide the calls and texts. When they keep secrets. When they insist on privacy from their committed spouse.
It should be tell-tale if you ask to start going to the gym with him ... to run with "them" etc. Any friend of his should be a friend of yours ... if they are not a friend of yours, then they shouldn't be a friend of his (or just his)! If he reject the idea of your participation, then they're NOT just friends!

He doesn't have to sleep with her, or say that he loves her, for it to be a betrayal. All he has to do is put her ahead of you, which he is doing.
I already covered that but it is worth repeating! Putting her ahead of you is betrayal!

Read Not Just Friends. But even if he hasn't or doesn't slide down the slippery slope to PA he is already cheating. I'm afraid he needs his own version of a wake up call.
I agree! Waking up when in a fog is still sleeping and is not easy but he does need to wake up!

If they are "just friends", he will choose you over her in a heart beat.
Again I covered but lttlefoggy said it better

Ask him if he's being YOUR friend right now.
There is much more you could ask him, that should provoke some thought! As someone said
Move forward cautiously
... it is a delicate situation because of
the fog
which something else you'll come to understand and hope he does too! He is in the fog and need to think!

I would reply "I can't believe you would chose a "friend" over me."
.. just such fine comeback words! The book "Not Just Friends" does goes into good approaches as how to approach conversation ... you have to try what doesn't provoke argument and that which provokes discussion.

I agree to watch for it going underground. Not just phone bills. FB chat. Third party apps. iMessage (iPhone texts don't always show on the phone bill). Stick to the 180. I wish I had stuck to it more early on. I wouldn't have put myself through unnecessary pain.
OK, several things here, but I'll just say I second that!

I didn't find SI till I was dealing with all the stuff for over a year and trying to do so totally on my own -- I came here because I was having a hard time, guess I can say I still am. But I have found the folks here can offer much advice and information as well as support -- none of which you have on your own. They have experience and all I can say is for you use their experience to your an advantage! Most of all, good luck to you!


D-Day: 5 Dec 2012
NC date: waiting
Me, BS, 57 years
WW, 53 years
Married 30 years at time.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NM
Whatdoido333
Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, January 13th (Monday)

I heard that all too... Just friends. I can have whatever friends i want, etc.

Found out he was looking for a house with his friend. Who looks to move in with a member of the opposite sex and has never had sex!!! Really...

Be careful, it's 4 years later for me and they are still.... Just friends.....they work together in a 3 person office. Great life :(


Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2012
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, January 13th (Monday)

If they're 'just friends' then he won't mind you seeing his phone and having conversations with her in front of you. I have 'men friends', but am happy (and usually do) talk to them within earshot of my H. My phone is unlocked and left round the house where H can check it any time he wants. Nothing to hide. Should be the same with your H if he's telling you the truth.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 229 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Topic Posts: 18