User Topic: With the curse of time, what can you admit now?
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

You know the club, the one that you were sure that you're spouse would never be a member of?

Well, the last couple of days have been tough in that I find myself acknowledging that my WH has the same morals as a friend's husband who I despise.

When I found out that her WS had cheated on her, I was obviously appalled, but I've always thought that her soon to be ex was a self absorbed, sanctimonious prick. The affair was the topping on the cake.

The thought that my WS shares that asshole's moral code is so incredible disappointing. I always THOUGHT my husband was better than that.

Is there something (with hindsight) you've found now really bothers you?

BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"

Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Sure. I didnt see her low self esteem and abusive behaviors as something we needed to address. I guess i hoped with time she would mellow and realize she was hurting us and herself. Instead she just perpetuated and increased her bizarre behaviors. Im in full nc now post divorce and its good. Im healing and taking my time. But the past behaviors were so much more indicative of her future behaviors than i could have ever imagined. I also recall her changing her tune on her attitude toward cheaters, and of course her family history, all her brothers and sisters did it, so no shock she would too.

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
New Member
Member # 41552
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

I understand, my WW and I would always talk about how creepy our friends husband was and how he would be getting inappropriately and then she goes and has two EA's at the same time..

How do you sit there and criticize someone then you do the same thing and even worse..... so confused

Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: north east
Member # 33617
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

That I can't change "you" no matter how much faith, hope and love I had in "us". Only"you" can do that.

The cruelest lies are often told in silence (RLS).
DD: December 24, 2010, when she called me from a pay phone pretending to be someone else.
Me: BS (53)Him: WS (56) OW: 63 yr old Husband hunting predatory whore

Posts: 373 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

Oh, one more thing...I'm ashamed that I'm on anti-depressants and I don't see myself coming off for a long, long time. I hate him for that.

BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"

Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

In my original story I posted about our first date. My WH is a former marine. Military. Dedicated father. His XW cheated on him. He had a paternity test dne to assure his daughter was his. He was angry with his father who was a WH also. And left his mother to raise two kids alone for the OW. He is a pillar of our community. He cleaned up the department of the school district where he works - employee and environment. He has many friends and few enemies. He is a adamant supporter of the community. He outwardly seems to be a loving husband. Supporter of the middle class man's rights.

Peel back the layers and one will see the family he "supports" struggling to make ends meet because he pays for sex... Even his regular OW doesn't know he likes hookers. He is not age discriminant - 19 through 50s.

BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 418 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, January 13th (Monday)

the past behaviors were so much more indicative of his future behaviors than i could have ever imagined

This above***

This hurts. The writing was on a vandalized wall.

And now I'm nearly 50, and feel I foolishly gave some of my best years to an entirely self centered guy. I feel conned, robbed. Even raped. Tonight I feel very, very sad.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Yeah, I found out that the reason he never helped me with the kids or the house wasn't because he was working so hard, it was because he was a selfish prick who didn't respect me AND because I was letting him slide.

Posts: 631 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 13th (Monday)

That my husband is more emotionally dysfunctional than I realized. I always knew he wasn't "normal" but had no idea how being dysfunctional could impact me.

And it is very hard to talk about because he usually functions extremely normally. It's hard living with a secret.

Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Walking the dog today, I realized that MrH can't feel empathy. It's one of the reasons I don't feel safe. The healing process has no crossover simply because he can't seem to reach out to my heart.

He explains that he won't cheat again because he doesn't want the consequences. Never because how it felt to see me in all the pain I was (and have been) in. Saturday we decided to try this again and he answered questions and showed some insight. Then on Sunday he found a CD I bought him during the A. I had heard the artist interviewed on NPR, remembered her name, researched her- difficult spelling- and bought the CD. I tried to talk to him about how his reaction at the time made me feel, nothing from him except his wife knows him and this is his second favorite CD. Then in the evening I tried to talk to him about the lack of emotional connection to my feelings, nothing.

I know he can show emotions besides lust and anger. I've seen it when he was talking about how he felt about xOw2. Me, I get the same tone and inflection when he accidentally ruins my dress in the wash that I get when he apologizes for ruining our M.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11237 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, January 13th (Monday)

That I may have married the wrong person. YIKES.

ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 297 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
million tears
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, January 13th (Monday)

That my WH isn't one of the "nicest guys in the world" and we aren't the Cleavers and that I'm not lucky to have him.

((((painandgrief))) being on anti-depressants is nothing to be ashamed of.

2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, January 13th (Monday)

I've learned that we aren't untouchable, we ARE one of those couples dealing with infidelity. I really thought.I would never ever have to deal with this.I know now, never say never. You really don't know shit about what goes on in someone's head, even someone you've know for 30 + plus years. Nothing surprises me anymore.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5172 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Yes! I ignored red flags, I ignored my gut, and I ignored my friends and family. I was in major denial because I was soooo in love. Look before you leap. That's what I have learned.

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, January 13th (Monday)

All the above. No empathy. Yet will display empathy for strangers. We are not the Cleavors, and I believed we were.. The most startling is the manipulation. He plans what he must project. He decides what will look great while others watch. It was subtle, and usually at work functions. Or in front of his parents. It was unbelievaable for me. I saw it grow. ANd he manipulates me. He works on my sympathy to get me to do things for him. I thought I was seeing this, and after years, I have no doubt. We have been married 30 years. I try not to be too hard on myself, as he was traveling for 23 of those. SO really, its like we have been married 8. I loved the person he pretended to be. He is really someone else inside. I believe it is self esteem issues. I believe it is self serving and dodging ownership. Which is coward. I wonder who he really is.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 1:04 PM, January 13th (Monday)]

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 977 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 13th (Monday)

What I've learned?

1) People will ALWAYS do what they want, regardless of who they hurt.

2) Never trust anyone but yourself.

3) If someone tells you a member of the opposite sex is "just a good friend", they are having sex with them.

4) The hardest thing in the world is not burying your children or your spouse, but re-building your self-esteem.


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Member # 40158
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Thank you all for your heartfelt replies. I really is kind of sad that I could literally identify with each and every post written. Each thing about their behaviors and your reactions felt like my own.

SI has truly shown me than I am not alone in this godforsaken journey through hell. Without you all, I Do NOT know what I would do.

Thank you.

(Edited because typing thru tears is hard)....

[This message edited by painandgrief at 9:22 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

BS 50
WS 49
2 teenage kids
DDay - May 2013

"Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer care"

Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

That my H is a weak and emotionally stunted person.

That I made a serious error in judgment when I picked him because I was sure he would always treat me well.

That I was wrong that we were a good team -- I'm the team, really.

That I knew these things about him before we married, within a couple of years of starting dating, in fact. And ignored them willfully.

That all those years of hoping he would just say he loved me that I looked good, or that he would ask about my day -- now when he does those things (still not very often, but more), I just feel, meh.

That I should have D him after the A, but I was a coward. And now I refuse to give up any time with our teenage son.

That I love him, somehow, but I'm not in love with him. Ironic, huh?

Bad day today...

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 9:43 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 879 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)


Mine is very like yours. My husband and I always discussed our concern for my BF who's H was selfish, lacked empathy and attempted to come onto her other BF (and we know was also active online).

Also my BiL who is a serial adulterer and actually put it on me about two years before my H's affair.

During my H's affair we learnt my BiL had come on to my sister's best friend . While my sister slept in the house.

My Husband was revolted. wanted to out the BiL with my sister (who was recovering from breast cancer)

Meanwhile - the very same weekend that we learnt this H was running behind closed doors with the AP while I was in the same building.

It has been a hard realisation for us both. That he was the same as both of those men.

Different MO but same self-entitlement.

I don't understand how people delude themselves like that. But the ability to do so is a key factor in infidelity.

BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
fWS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 669 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I knew he was self-centered and selfish and I saw him treat other people badly, but I believed he loved me. I viewed myself as career-driven and independent. I viewed him similarly. So I thought we were these two go-getters who made a great partnership that he would never take for granted.

Instead it turns out he was NPD and I let him off easy because I was always focused on job stuff, didn't want kids, kept things like $ separate and called it "feminism." I didn't notice how much he got to coast when he did something thoughtless. I always made excuses for him (because of his FOO issues) when he did something boneheaded at work or with friends.

In the end, what I really did was allow him to never fully commit to me in the sense that out emotional intimacy was really shallow. I never really knew him-- because the "him" I thought I knew would never try to cheat.

And when I caught him, I became the enemy and he was gone like that. He was never able to do anything that was hard. Easier to just stay with OW.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:22 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

There are a few major issues I can see now with time and the help of a good IC.

First, exWH has had a life long a drinking problem and I never really saw how much alcohol impacted him. He was highly functional and likely drank a lot more than I ever knew. I believe alcohol is one of the things that attracted him to the slunt as she is an immature party hag who would rather throw back shots on a work night than what most ordinary, non alcoholic folks do.

Second, the weird feeling that exwh's parents always gave me was my gut telling me that they were incapable of raising a normal person. ExWH always tried to distance himself from them, but he couldn't. He was as weird as they were, only I didn't want to see that.

Third, the fact that he never admitted he was wrong during an argument or would say "I disagree/you're wrong" in response to my telling him how I FELT was a major red flag and sign of narcissism. I unfortunately didn't know that back then.

And finally, that I was ripe for a narc and was horribly co dependent in my marriage. I over functioned to the nth degree and let him slide on most things that an independent partner would have demanded.

It's been very hard to realize all of these things due to a combination of me not wanting to see and my exWH being one of the "good guy" narcs, often referred to as "covert". The description everyone always gave of him, myself included, was "he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.". That prevented me for a long time from really seeing him sans the narcissist mask he likes to wear.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2848 | Registered: Jan 2011
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:52 PM, April 18th (Friday)]

Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 22