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Wayward Side
User Topic: t/j from AN's post
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

This is a slight t/j from AuthenticNow's post as I would like to jusg clear some things.

#1. Cheating and when you boil it down that is what an affair is, is not a mistake, blunder, or an oops. Cheating is a series of deliberate choices, yes more then one, that fuck up our lives and our BS' lives. Are they bad choices? Yes. Are they choices we deliberately and conciously made? Yes. Stop with the my A wasn't as bad as that one over there because it wasn't as long, there was no emotion, it was never physical, it ONLY happened 1, 2, 3 times, my H or W was emotionally abusive, I loved my AP and on and on the lisy can go. I'm going to say it very clearly and bluntly take it or leave it, call me judgemental or hate me I truly do not care. So here it is.

Affairs are a series of bad choices made by broken people as a solution/coping mechanism to and underlying problem thag goes much deeper then the person realizes. By having an A we break our BS, ourselves and the lives of many around us. By continuing to lie to our BS by not confessing we are continuing to mask something malignant that will eventually destroy all it has touched. Confession is a way to start a healing process that goes deeper then what the A has caused. It allows the start to an honest and authentic life where the datk secrets we once kept no longer burden us making life harder to live. Yes everyone's A is different and everyone's path to healing will be different as well as we are each a unique person but the pain and destruction an A causes is the same. The reason behind them if you think about it is pretty much the same too, we use it to mask something deeper and more painful that either has not yet been acknowledged or has been and cannot be faced.

#2. We as former waywards do not come on here looking to judge others that are now in the beginning of their journey. We do not temper our words because it was advice similar to whag we give that made us pull our head out of our asses and smell something other then the bullshit we were feeding ourselves. I have been here over a year and my dday was 1.5 years ago and I am in no way healed or 100% there already but you know what? I have gotten past certain points and so I share my experiences and call people out on their shit. I said this recently on a different post I will give advice, point out the bullshit and not hold back or give pretty flowery words because I do not and will not people please. That is a part of me that got me into this shit, not being honesg and people pleasing, so screw that I am going to be honest with myself and others on all things now, if you don't like my advice then don't take it, pretty simple really. I posted here the first time and got reamed and I ran. I came back after reading and rereading those responses and realizing they made a lot of sense. Those were vets, no holds bars vets that did not pat me on the head and gently hold my hand because I was a "newbie." I will be forever grateful to them. I have angered people in my responses before and it will probably happen again. If you get angry maybe you should wonder why, I will be brjtal but I will support you as well when you start owning your shit. Alyssa not to call you out but she is one I know I pissed off. She let me know it too. I didn't lay off her and when she started showing she was getting it I was so proud and support her wholeheartedly. That is what this site is about support for everything even the tough stuff.

#3. No contact. This is short and sweet. How do you rebuild something when keeping hold of the tool used to destroy it?

To summarize, SI is a place of support. We do not bully or judge but we also do not cajole or sugarcoat. We are brutally honest and supportive, that's it, nothing more or less.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 12th (Sunday)

well shared Unagie.

There is nothing I can add.

best wishes.

Meg.


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 579 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, January 13th (Monday)

You've hit the nail(s) on the head.

Thank you


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)


Posts: 189 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Want To Wake Up
Member
Member # 31583
Default  Posted: 2:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)

**stands and applauds**


[This message edited by Want To Wake Up at 2:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


Me 50+
WH 50+ (SlowUptake)
DDay '09
Latest TT... Nov '13 (not a typo!)


One man’s “fruitless conflict” is another man’s “meaningful discussion”


Posts: 469 | Registered: Mar 2011
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, January 13th (Monday)

well said


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Affairs are a series of bad choices made by broken people as a solution/coping mechanism to an underlying problem that goes much deeper then the person realizes.

Yes everyone's A is different and everyone's path to healing will be different as well as we are each a unique person but the pain and destruction an A causes is the same.

Confession is a way to start a healing process that goes deeper then what the A has caused. It allows the start to an honest and authentic life where the dark secrets we once kept no longer burden us making life harder to live.

If you get angry maybe you should wonder why.

((Unagie)) - wrapped up nicely!

If you get angry maybe you should wonder why.


Don’t listen to your head, it’s easily confused. Don’t listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Thanks guys I truly appreciate it.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Thank you for posting this. I really needed to see it this morning.

And, thank you (the WSs) for all being so honest. It gives me (the BS) so much hope that it will get better.


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: Almost 18 years; Married: Almost 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Great post.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 13th (Monday)

AMEN!!!

Well said


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2473 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Awesome Unagie


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196489 | Registered: May 2002
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Nice t/j Unagie

If you get angry maybe you should wonder why.

yep


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, January 13th (Monday)

That you took the time to do this....

THANK YOU so very much.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 13th (Monday)

"Like"


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Alyssa not to call you out but she is one I know I pissed off. She let me know it too. I didn't lay off her and when she started showing she was getting it I was so proud and support her wholeheartedly. That is what this site is about support for everything even the tough stuff.

I don't mind the call out at all Unagie. Yes you were harsh on me, and so weren't others. But I needed to hear it, and it was true.

I appreciate the support that you (and the other vets) have given me. And though I still have a lot of work to do, I wouldn't have gotten to this point without your help.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 743 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
longroadhome
Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 13th (Monday)

There's that clapping man!

Well done, Unagie


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 545 | Registered: Jun 2011
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Yes!!!!


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

Posts: 1390 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Great post. Agree 100%.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I've been following AN's post, and glad there was a stop sign because I was having difficulty separating my personal feelings out from the conversation...

...which reminded me that it is always a good idea to post with as much emotional objectivity as possible. I'm emphasizing "emotional" because I think that it's still critical to lend our personal experience to the people who have newly arrived. That's why this works - the veterans stick around in the hopes that they can help prevent someone from making the same painful mistakes that they made in the beginning.

Of COURSE everybody is different - every relationship is unique. There are fundamental aspects of relationships that are the same, however, and the longer we look within the more we will hopefully come to accept that truth is a universal good, and compassion is the healthiest outlook to have in regards to others as well as ourselves.

Touching base on the back and forth about people in buckets and labeling and whatnot, I have to agree with the sentiment that if it causes us discomfort and we're fighting the message, that usually indicates a reliability that we are trying to suppress. An excellent example of this is, well.... ME.

I have been told throughout most of my life that I overreact to things. I have been called dramatic, anxious, etc. It was always about a select group of life experiences... health, and friendships mostly. I was really easygoing about things like food and travel and play... but when it came to emotional or personal things I would get hypersensitive about the smallest things. You know what sent me through the roof the most, though? When someone TOLD me I was overreacting! That's when I would be ALL CAPS about how JUDGEMENTAL and MEAN the people who were trying to calm me down were. Some people said it kindly and I got very angry at them nonetheless. Some people said it rudely and with judgment, and I banished them from my life. NOBODY talks to ME that way. NOBODY understands how important these things are, and how the WARRANT the level of "consideration" I was giving them.

It took me becoming an adult and having full blown panic attacks that were affecting my health and sending me to the hospital to realize that the message I was being pummeled with and resented with every breath.... was right.

I'm still working on dialing it back when I feel my anxiety rise, and I STILL occasionally react adversely when someone, particularly my FWH, tells me that I'm overreacting, but I am training myself to just LISTEN and consider it for a moment.

Breathe and consider.

Of course it's easier when the message is delivered gently rather than strongly. I think what some members do not realize until they have more of the journey under their belt is that the experienced members posing with strong advice and opinions are not actually attacking the poster - they are responding with panic for them because they wish they had just listened to the same words they are now beseeching you to consider.

If you are here because you want someone to validate your outlook and course of action, you will only get that by talking to the mirror or finding someone who is still broken and scared to look inside.

If you are looking to fix this... fix your marriage, your partner, yourself... to HEAL - well, it's time to get uncomfortable. This goes for the WS as well as the BS. The general consensus of SI is HEALTH for ALL.

Candy tastes better than spinach, but you can't live off of it. We're here to find the best diet for our souls. So please, just try to listen and learn. There doesn't have to be any fighting in here. If you came this far, you're looking for something. Check your expectations at the door and open your mind to the uncomfortable-yet-freeing.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 1:33 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16420 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Thank you for everyone's feedback.

JRazz your post is spot on, thank you.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2639 | Registered: Oct 2012
Decimated
Member
Member # 31656
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 13th (Monday)

That was spot on Unagie.

I wish my XWW would have joined SI and opened up to those of you in the Wayward Side. After some urging from me, she attempted read some of the threads here but decided that she was right and everyone here was wrong...her affair was extra-special I remember her scoffing at the notion that affairs were not based in reality. Apparently, she was looking for validation...not honesty.

Anyway, I'ts a shame because I know you could have helped her. The advise I've read here is outstanding. I wish she wasn't so stubborn, maybe we would still be married.


Decimated
Me -BH 48
Her-WW 40
D Day #1 9/09 (found out about friendship, she promised NC...she lied)
D day #2 1/11 (found out EA on going...she lied)
D day #3 4/11 (found out EA was a PA...still lying)
M 16 years, 3 kids
Divorced - 1/13

Posts: 106 | Registered: Mar 2011
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Unagie

(Sorry in advance for this long post and any possible thread-jack )

I am very happy you posted, as like Jrazz I have been following AN's post. As a WS/BS I can't post for a stop sign.

Yesterday was 2 years out from my discovery of BF's affair and we are now 10 years out since I disclosed my infidelity to BF.

When I fist came to SI I came as the betrayed spouse. My own infidelity seemed such ancient history. It didn't seem current to our issues.

One veteran SI member - I felt gave me a pretty hard time. She never really held her punches with anyone. She asked really tough questions, and challenged my involvement in my H's threads.

Other people asked similiar questions - but with a very different tone. and with a lot more patience.

I very nearly left SI - but pushed through. My H, was very uncomfortable and only came in and out periodically and not at all for more than a year.

I really agree with you, AN & Jrazz. that you will not find people here who will just agree with you - especially not in Wayward. sometimes there will be a couple of ppl who go really hard really early. There are also a lot of people who offer kindness and support while you go through those scary first weeks / months.

Generally the balance of this works out to really help people. Sometimes, like all communities - we don't get the mix quite right and someone who could use a little more of one or the other doesn't get what they need and chooses to find support elsewhere. I have seen some people go and feel sad that we couldn't have been more for them. although accept that we are limited.

However - from time to time people come who just don't want to do the work. Or who are looking to have their position supported and bolster their confidence for a path they have already struck.

When I first arrived here I was not NC with my affair person. I thought as we had been friends and had friends in common and our physcial encounter was "limited' and my H had my voluntary disclosure - that i didn't need to go to that extent.

In my head I had also exempted the AP from responsiblity as it was all MY responsibility I was the married person.

In watching and encouraging my H. to take his journey I realised exactly what I needed to do. I have been completely no contact with the AP since May 2012.

Not for a day have I regretted it. I now see them as what they are, duplicitous and shallow. I was not the only married person they had been involed with (by their own admission). The 'AP has no place in my life.

I choose my H's dignity, emotional stability and my vows over the pretence of friendship with the AP and 'keeping up appearances'.

And I choose my own integrity. The one measure I will hold myself against.

H had never asked for no contact - he probably didn't know to - but I should have done it by instinct immediatly as part of my disclosure of my unfaithfulness. I put up lots of excellent boundaries - did lots of things to protect our marriage and family from future intrusions arising from my friendships but I should have done this too - much sooner.

From every part of me and unreservedly - I ask for my husbands forgiveness that I did not cease all contact, forever with the other party to my infidelity. That allowed that injury to his dignity to continue for a further 8 years.

Thank you all for reading.

Meg.


BS / fWS- me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS - him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 children (6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulde

Posts: 579 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Not too much to say except that I think most of our veteran waywards do a good job of matching their level of response with the general attitude that the OP either opens, or responds, with.

I've been on here nearly year and I have trouble recalling any posts wherein the WS was honest, open, and contrite and then was summarily 2x4'ed into oblivion. If a new poster's main objection (and comeback) to responses is that they aren't sufficiently polite...well...I think they may be ignoring the forest for the tress and confusing the tone of the message for the message itself.

I think that part of remorse is recognizing that the people who have BTDT are being analytically critical not due to hate, but due to empathy...they don't want you to make the same mistakes they did.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 7:11 PM, January 13th (Monday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I've been following ANs thread as well and am glad to have a place I can post. Thanks.

One small piece of my wife and I putting our relationship back together revolved around something I called "listening with good intent". So often in relationships we can get conditioned to hearing what we "think" someone is saying instead of listening to what they are really saying. We can pre-program ourselves to getting offended or hurt.

So, my wife and I conciously try to "listen with good intent." If we're hurt by some words, we try to take a step back and say "What is the best possible way that statement can be interpretted? If I assume that my wife/husband loves me and trys to act in a loving fashion, how does that statement sound in that context?"

So . . . for new WS, I encourage you to listen with good intent to the advice that the vets toss your way. Say to yourself, "This is a well intentioned person who cares enough to try to help others in this forum. What can I take from what they are saying if I focus on that good intention instead of the some specific harshness in the message."

My work life has been extremely busy for awhile and I have not been around SI much recently. But, when I do swing by, I continually marvel at the folks that are "always/still" here trying to help. There are some truly incredible people in this forum and we're all blessed to have this resource.

Best luck to all working to heal themselves, their spouse and their marriage.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Excellent advice WarpSpeed. I think most WS new to the site understand that when they receive a 2x4, the one delivering it has their best interest at heart, that it's not done out of meanness or spite but to help them avoid making the same mistakes we did. It might tick them off or make them unsure at first but most come to recognize the intent. As you said, they hear it with good intent and respond in kind.

However and unfortunately, we do get those WS who want us to tell them what they want to hear and get offended or downright snarky if we don't oblige and swing those 2x4s.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5860 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 25