SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: 8 Months In
focusupward
New Member
Member # 42008
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Hi, new here but been lurking for awhile. Would first like to extend my heartfelt sympathy to all of the BS's out there, does not seem that unless you have been through this you have a clue as to the damage that it does to a person both mentally and physically. And that is my primary reason for finally deciding to register and post. I have not discussed my WW A(2) with anyone other than a couple of MC's. I feel that for me this has been in my best interest yet it leaves one in such a position of isolation and hopelessness at times.
It has been 8 months (tomorrow)since DDAY#2 and I continue to ride the emotional roller coaster. DDAY#1 was 11/15/10 and I was able to recover, recommit and reestablish some trust within about 6-8 months and was pretty much in full R after a year. Then along comes 2013 and my heart gets ripped out of my chest again. R has been much slower and the valleys have been much deeper. The first affair was strictly emotional and I was shocked at the depth of the pain. Had I not busted her I'm sure the physical aspect was not too far out. Both AP's were colleagues at work and the physical part of the physical A actually took place in her office at work, what a gal! After both DDAY's she showed little empathy and blamed me for not showing enough affection. She has finally accepted responsibility and no longer tries to justify the affairs which has helped some. I just don't know if I will ever be able to trust her again, and to me, how do you have a relationship with no trust??? We have two young kids and I am trying to do everything in my power to heal as the last thing I want is for them to grow up in a split family. In fairness to her, she did come clean on the second A and continues to tell me that she is committed to making this work. She just has such a hard time understanding the devastation it has brought upon me and why I can't just move on. She becomes very defensive and doesn't understand why I continue to bring up things that we have already discussed. I'll stop here for now as I am starting to ramble, but I needed to get this off my chest to someone other than a MC and to people who "get it". Thanks for listening.


ME - 44
WW - 31
DDAY#1 - 11/15/10 - EA
DDAY#2 - 5/11/13 - PA

Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 13th (Monday)

You are right in understanding the level of damage infidelity can inflict. The folks here definitely understand. This is a safe place where you can get those feelings off your chest and not create other hurdles like you might when exposing an affair to friends and family.

I feel that you are correct in needing to be able to trust is a core part of a relationship. In order for you to trust her again, she will have to take many steps over time to repeatedly display authentic trustworthy behavior. You might need to be in a trust but verify mode. If she is doing all that and you still can't see how you can trust her then it might be time to see an IC and see what they can suggest to get you to move forward. Most often the fear of being vulnerable and trusting again affects the BS whether they stay and reconcile or move on. So if you think that you will have a roadblock on reconciling then I suggest you pursue the IC sooner rather than later.



AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52596 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
focusupward
New Member
Member # 42008
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Thanks MU, appreciate the kind thoughts and encouragement. Finding SI has been liberating from the standpoint that it does give me a safe place to talk to others, unfortunately, in the same boat.

I am currently in IC as is my WW (different counselors). We initially went to MC together but neither of us felt we were getting what we needed from the first counselor. My current IC has been a blessing. She has helped me tremendously in moving forward. It has just been so isolating with her as the only one to talk to about it, so SI has provided me with an outreach I no doubt needed. It's still a rollercoaster at 8 months in unfortunately, but has improved since the early going. Being that this is the second coworker A she has had, has made it that much more difficult. Hard to even watch her go to work in the mornings. It has not only debilitated my trust in her as I see myself leery of almost everyone now. Guess having been a trusting soul, maybe this was a wake up call for me.

In fairness to the WW, she has given me full access to everything along with passwords. Personally, I am one that does not want to have to live a life of constantly having to check up on my spouse. We have set boundaries, she transferred job locations to a different plant within the same company as I told her this was a condition of moving toward R. I also demanded that she change her phone number as she was way too friendly with many of the "guys" at work who would text and call at any time. She initially fought me on all of the above which was, and still is, unsettling to me. She has a very difficult time showing empathy and easily becomes defensive when I am having "moments". She has gotten better in these areas but still likes to do a little blame shifting which I have huge problems with. She will still resort to the, "well, our marriage wasn't so great at the time you know...". This stems from the fact that she doesn't feel she was getting the proper amount of affection she deserved from me. I'll admit that there is some truth to that, but by no means does that give her the right to do what she has done on two occasions!! I have told her in the past that I would prefer to have sex at least once a week and I'm lucky if I get it once a month. I don't run outside of our marriage to satisfy my desires though. Damn, what is wrong with these people?? I know she is broken, as we all are in some form or fashion, and she is working with her IC on self-introspection to see where all this coming from and what she can do about it. That is encouraging.

Sorry to ramble, but if feels so good to finally have a place to talk and share with others.


ME - 44
WW - 31
DDAY#1 - 11/15/10 - EA
DDAY#2 - 5/11/13 - PA

Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
foolishlycluless
Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Sorry you are here focus.

Like you, I haven't shared our situation with anyone other than our MC. Like you, my WH initially blamed me for lack of affection (read SEX) in our M. At first I felt that I was partially to blame for his A. However, the good folks here at SI are right. I am partially at fault for the lack of communication in our M, but he is 100% to blame for the A.

Here is information about a book that both my WH and I read.

I found this book helpful: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Linda MacDonald. It's a quick read. I bought the paperback and read it first, highlighting the parts that were the most important to me. (Trust me, I could have highlighted the entire book!) Then I gave it to WH to read. The book put into words the things that I couldn't. Also, I think it was more meaningful that it came from a "third party." It wasn't me telling him what would help me heal. It wasn't too long after that, that I began to feel like he got it, and was truly remorseful.

I plan to purchase another book that is highly recommended by the folks here on SI. That is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

I hope you find this information helpful.


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
focusupward
New Member
Member # 42008
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Thanks foolishlycluless, appreciate your sympathy, and I too am sorry that your are living this nightmare.

Thanks for the rec on the books. She has read the How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair already (as did I). I read the Shirley Glass book after the first Dday. Both were excellent and I would highly recommend both as well. One that has helped me tremendously is "Healing is a Choice" by Steve Arterburn. Has been instrumental in my journey to healing and forgiveness.

I wish you all the best in your journey.


ME - 44
WW - 31
DDAY#1 - 11/15/10 - EA
DDAY#2 - 5/11/13 - PA

Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 13th (Monday)

focus,

It is good to hear that you laid some boundaries down and that your wife complied. It is a good sign that she is wanting to fix this.

She has a very difficult time showing empathy and easily becomes defensive when I am having "moments".

I honestly think that her ability to really show empathy is limited. She hasn't experienced the feelings that you are dealing with so I suspect that her empathy will fall short. Maybe when things are calm, you can explain when you have these moments what would be good ways to respond to eachother. You might find that if you can express the feelings without a hint of blame that she can better respond without blameshifting or guilt. It is also fair to spend time working on the shortcomings outside of the affair and if she throws the "things weren't so great" you can find a way to acknowledge that but not allow it to negate the current discussions.

Topics that are tough to talk about because they quickly become emotional you might want to resort in an exchange of notes in a notebook. This allows each party to express their complete thoughts in private and to read in private such that you can keep the raw emotions from igniting things.

Also as you proceed into R, write down the positive changes or events. I think the saying "1 bad thing can wipe out 10 good things" is very true. We tend to forget the good but that is where we need to derive our hope.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52596 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
focusupward
New Member
Member # 42008
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Wow, Upward, really appreciate the shared wisdom.

Topics that are tough to talk about because they quickly become emotional you might want to resort in an exchange of notes in a notebook. This allows each party to express their complete thoughts in private and to read in private such that you can keep the raw emotions from igniting things.

There have been some very good signs from her and my IC has helped and guided me to be sure that I let her know that I recognize these changes and do appreciate her efforts. I have in no uncertain terms taken responsibility for the lack of affection but have made it clear to her that this is no excuse for a spouse to engage in an A. I have admitted to putting our kids ahead of our relationship and focusing to much on them to the detriment of our marriage.

I appreciate this as well:

Also as you proceed into R, write down the positive changes or events. I think the saying "1 bad thing can wipe out 10 good things" is very true. We tend to forget the good but that is where we need to derive our hope.

So very true. I am traveling the forgiveness journey now, daily. Truly believe that it, like love, is a choice that we make. Thanks so much for your wisdom!


ME - 44
WW - 31
DDAY#1 - 11/15/10 - EA
DDAY#2 - 5/11/13 - PA

Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 7