User Topic: Did anyone like their spouse *more* during the affair?
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 13th (Monday)

So, one thing I've thought about periodically in the past year or so since discovery is that fact that during the affair, my wife actually seemed like a healthier, more independent person. I mean, just in general, the manner in which she carried herself seemed to be more confident and outgoing, and I was just wondering if anyone else had the same experience...because the majority of the posts I read are that the WS tends to be more distant, irritable, and edgy during the affair.

My wife was never really like that *sober*, but when she drank the crazy came out in full force. I just remember thinking (during the affair) that I was really happy that she had seemed to turn a corner in terms of her independence, maturity, and self-esteem. I realize in hindsight that it was because her self-esteem was being artificially propped up by all the ego kibbles and attention, but part of me also sees the person my wife could potentially be if she ever fixes "the holes in her bucket."

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, January 13th (Monday)

OH hell no. He was a total emotionally detached total asshole. No thank you.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Nope. He was a total arsehole during it. Incredibly mean and short tempered. I'm kind of glad he changed so dramatically-something for me to look out for.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
million tears
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, January 13th (Monday)

No. He was a total dick to me AND my kids. And my mother and his parents and practically anyone who wasn't the OW or her kids.

2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 13th (Monday)

H was pretty much an arrogant jerk during the A.

Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 13th (Monday)

In some ways, yes the last time. He wasn't accusing me or so controlling then. He wasn't interested in what I was doing. But, he was cold, distant, and critical.

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 32528
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, January 13th (Monday)

NOOOO!!! He was my worst nightmare during the A

Married 24

2Beautiful daughters
DD 6/26/10 (he broke down & confessed)
DD#2 3/14/11 H in OW's car
TT 7/1/11 (NC broken, through emails)

In R

Posts: 639 | Registered: Jun 2011
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 13th (Monday)

I'm still here reading...I'm still going to respond later, but I have to go to work. Thanks to everyone that's responded thus far.

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, January 13th (Monday)


He had proposed that we "work" on the M. Apparently, that meant that I would be available for recreational activities, be his housekeeper, entertain the family and friends and let him do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I did things alone because he couldn't be bothered to accompany me. When I questioned him about his moods I had the privilege of being raged at. I was confused about everything and got nothing from him except unwarranted anger.

He was a hateful, arrogant jerk during the A.

Posts: 722 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, January 13th (Monday)

She was a freaking monster! Horrible to me and the kids. She actually called my 7 year old son at the time an asshole because he hadn't picked up his room before going over to a friend's for a playdate. To his face!!!!
That was her basic behavior for 4 months, until the dude dumped her, and then I found out about the affair.
She is much easier to like now that we are divorced---out of sight, out of mind

Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 13th (Monday)

I get this.

There were some definite aspects of FWH I really enjoyed during that time. He was more focused on some of his pursuits, was consistent in self care and generally more confident. I liked that, he seemed so self directed and determined. He made less excuses, and was more action oriented. I liked it.

I didn't see it as the selfishness it was, until after discovery of the A. At times it was pure arrogance, and disrespect, but in many ways he was finally doing some of the things I had hoped he would.
I didn't realize that it was not for him, for us or for our family. He was acting this way, to keep the ego kibbles flowing.

Now that I know he is capable of that measure of focus and drive, I am unable to accept anything less from him. I am much harder on him now, because of that. I also thinks he struggles with my new found expectations. That is a new source of conflict in our post A Marriage. I KNOW what he is capable of....because I have seen it, regardless of the motivation behind it.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 13th (Monday)

No. Deluded, anger projecting, decieving, superficial, etc. A total piece of worthless shit. Despicable in her behavior. Divorced her and she is still a despicable misguided child - even though she wraps herself up in a facade of newfound holiness.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
New Member
Member # 38988
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 13th (Monday)

YES! He was a bit more cocky and conceited. He definitely had more confidence and was happier. He started excersizing, lost 40lbs, started drinking socially a bit more, he bought me an escalade, our family a trip to mexico, he told me how much he loved me, how great we are together, we had amazing sex in those two months. Now I see that he was literally on a high. She was his fix. He now says it wasn't necessarily her (it could have been anyone) it was the constant compliments...your a good father, hard worker, soooo cute, etc... it wasn't reality, it was fantasy. He had such a low self esteem, it didn't matter that she lived 5000miles away and had NO idea what he was like as a father, how hard he works etc... she was just telling him everything he wanted to hear, and he LOVED hearing it.

Me: BS 33
Him: WS 36
OW: 40 from Texas
Married 10yrs
3 DD's ages 4, 7, 9
D-day new years eve 2013
2 month PA and EA with OW from Texas


Posts: 40 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
New Member
Member # 41559
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, January 13th (Monday)

I have to say yes, she was evolving into a totally different person, especially sexually, and I loved it. Of course it killed me to find out it was due to her relationship with o/m. Even though it was emotional affair and texting , she was opening up sexually and willing to try things I always wanted. She played with him as if she was into rough sex, being tied down and treated like a sex toy, and in our real life, we began to experiment with those things. Other than that she was the same girl.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dallas Texas
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 13th (Monday)

When I saw the first symtoms, H was total jerk to me and kids. Absent as much as possible. After DD with OW, he was scared because I saw this in person. He became the nicest person. Planned two trips, bought rings, and remodeled the house. ALL very uncharacteristic of him. THen the second OW at dd wedding, he was very mean, very arrogant, very flashy, very emotionally abusive. I didnt like him in any of these. He hides so much of himself. I never know who he is today.

a trigger yesterday

Posts: 937 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 13th (Monday)

No, but now that I think about it, she certainly spent a lot more time on her appearance back then, and has gained 35 lbs since dday.
She was hateful though.

time wounds all heels

Posts: 5397 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 13th (Monday)

That would be a big ol HELL NO!! He was mean as f**k to everyone in our home. I've never hated anyone in my life but I can say, I hated his guts during that time. He was a monster.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5127 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Hells, no!

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Absolutely not!!!!!!!

Alcoholic, pill popping, totally self destructive. Horrible to me, ignored kids. Had an sense of superiority to everyone. Total psycho, totally self absorbed.

I think in her own sick mind she was proud that she could draw a married man away from his family. With her and her circle of friends, that was something to be proud of. I was nothing but an afterthought, a bad memory that would soon be out of her life. Married OM was such a better catch than me, and after all, she deserved it, so she said.

OM dumped her. I guess cheaters aren't such a great catch after all. Go figure.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 13th (Monday)

There were some definite aspects of FWH I really enjoyed during that time. He was more focused on some of his pursuits, was consistent in self care and generally more confident. I liked that, he seemed so self directed and determined. He made less excuses, and was more action oriented. I liked it.
This ^^^ was what I was getting at more or less. My wife did act like some of the people here have mentioned, but only when she got's like when she was sober she kept the facade together and compartmentalized, but when she let down her guard that shit ran buckwild. Thanks for everyone's responses.

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
New Member
Member # 41888
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

In my case, yes. The OM told my wife to "play nice" so not to anger me or raise suspicion. What this did was bring peace to our home which eventually led to her ending the affair.

[This message edited by Xheart at 7:01 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]

BS (me) 44
WW 41
Together 26 years
Married 24 years
Affair Began Mid-October 1994
D-day: Mid-October 2013
Affair End Date: March 20, 1995
OM Suicide Date: March 20, 2009

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Omaha, NE
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Yes and No.

She was a b*tch to me immediately prior to her affair and kept it up so she could justify it. But eventually I broke through the fog (didn't know about A) and she started getting really nice. I think it was to make a silent amends of sorts. For a few weeks prior to DDay it was like our highschool days. I felt overjoyed to have this wonderful woman. She did some things for me she hadn't done in years.

Little did I know, she was texting and emailing him right under my nose.

BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Topic Posts: 22