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Just Found Out
User Topic: blame
Faith24
New Member
Member # 42020
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Found out my h cheated 4 months ago. Can't get over how he blames me n makes me feel like its my fault. My youngest son has been crying just wanting his family back together. This is so hard.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Can't get over how he blames me n makes me feel like its my fault.

there are lots of ways to deal with problems. An affair is not a healthy option. He made the choices, you didn't. His misbehavior and scant morals are his inadequacy. Hold that DS tight and let him know you will always be there for him.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Nov 2010
AppalachianGal
Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, January 13th (Monday)

I wish we could "like" posts here like on FB. LHAP is spot on!


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
bobf
Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 13th (Monday)

It is 100% the fault of the wayward spouse for choosing to cheat. It is not your fault!

No matter what went on in your marriage before, no matter how unhappy he was, he had the opportunity to D you or to make changes through counseling if he wasn't happy or just find some way to communicate to you how unhappy he was in a healthy way.

You might want to check out the Healing Library and the BS FAQ (and WS FAQ to get ideas what he should be doing). The 180 is a method of handling the situation where the WS is in the fog and unremorseful. Details of the 180 can be found in the BS FAQ.

[This message edited by bobf at 10:06 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
focusupward
New Member
Member # 42008
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Faith24, I am so sorry for your pain as well as your DS. There are folks on here with much more wisdom than myself that will be along shortly, but I can tell you that in no way, shape or form are you to blame for a decision he made. Please do not beat yourself up over it, take care of yourself and your wonderful kids. Many hugs!


ME - 44
WW - 31
DDAY#1 - 11/15/10 - EA
DDAY#2 - 5/11/13 - PA

Suffering builds perseverance, perseverance character and character hope.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Texas
Faith24
New Member
Member # 42020
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Your responses got me thru today. Thank so much.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 18th (Saturday)

I told my WH that blame was useless in this situation/crisis in the M that he caused..

I told him that I thought his cheating and behavior was selfish and cowardly..

Blaming me for his cheating and problems was gonna do nothing for the marriage at all...

All it did was make me want to end the marriage..

Blame is of the quickest ways to turn the injured spouse into an enemy..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:47 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1179 | Registered: Nov 2011
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

((Faith24)) sorry you are here, yet happy for you to have found such a supportive on-line community. Your story is not unique, as you will find as you read more stories of the members of SI. First, you are not to blame, accept no responsibility for your WH's cheating. It was HIS choice and HIS CHOICE alone. Second, be there for your kids, let them know you love them and it is not your choice that the family is not together. How old are your kids? Tell them the age appropriate truth. WH broke a big promise to you, and you are very hurt. ((Faith24 & kids))


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Daddo
Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

The WS always blame the betrayed - it is the only way they can live with themselves. They construct a narrative in which they don't look so awful - and then they believe it. It takes a long time for many to get past the stage of denial. "Da Nile ain't just a river..."

That said, every marriage has flaws. I'm sure there are lots of things you wish you had done differently - we all do. But you didn't betray anyone and you didn't destroy the relationship. You can't address those problems now. First you need to heal, to stop the bleeding and start putting yourself back together.

A few months from now you can start thinking about the rest of your life about the relationship.... Right now, you are in crisis and you need to take care of your self and live day by day.

Read the 180 rules in the FAQ section - try to live by them, and don't believe your WS's crap about your being to blame.


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2468 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

Just remember that he is the pathetic one here who wronged YOU. He needs to find the integrity to take responsibility.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4165 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

Please don't feel at fault for this! This is entirely his fault and his choice. You had no say in the matter.

Many cheaters try the blame game and it's best to shut them down regarding this. Until they take full responsibility for their choice they cannot make progress nor can they be trusted or be considered trustworthy IMHO.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Faith24
New Member
Member # 42020
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

My boys r 16 and 11. My oldest son took me aside in July and said, please don't tell my dad what I'm telling u but he has been texting APP for some time." I said how do u know. He said cause I see it, he will text her right in front of us all the time. Crap even my kids knew it was wrong.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014
scarednbroken
Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

Faith I so feel for you!! My 17yo talked to me one day saying with tears in his eyes "mom, dad is cheating. I know her name. It's not fair to you or us. What are you going to do about it?" Back then, I knew already. I told him I didn't know. I would try to talk to him and see if he would stop. I knew he wouldn't bc he had been for almost our entire 20 yr marriage. Years before my younger daughter has left me and anonymous tip on her whiteboard that she heard daddy talking weird things to a girl at grandpas funeral. When I talked to her I also was speechless. My oldest and youngest have been spared these discoveries or they haven't said anything. Kids are innocent here.

The times I have gotten the courage to confront him - he always said it was my fault or the kids fault.

The WS is to blame (it has taken me a loong time to realize that). Like others have said.... Hold them close. Let them know that what they have witnessed is NOT acceptable and is their fathers responsibility to fix - not theirs not yours. See my quote below - it is my new mantra for my kids.... Good luck and all the hugs you need.

[This message edited by scarednbroken at 11:07 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Faith24
New Member
Member # 42020
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 20th (Monday)

In 2006 the WS had an affair. Mid May 2006 he had taken the OW to our friends apartment, he had a key. They had sex and he came home around 12:30 in the morning.

A few days later the OW reported to his work (he is a police officer) that he had raped her and used his gun during the assault. At the end of May he was notified at work
and was taken off of full duties. He did not tell me about the affair or the investigation at work until three months later near the end of August.

I was devastated, not only did he cheat on me but serious charges were pending. This was a difficult time for me and one day, my children were not home, the WS
was taking apart our outdoor pool and I wanted to talk. He was ignoring me and I grabbed his shirt at which time he threw me on the ground, put his knee on my chest,
hand around my throat and had his fist up ready to punch me. He had a deranged look on his face. I told him to go ahead and that I would charge him. He let me go.

When I stook up he said if anyone is going to get charged it will be you for grabbing my shirt.

2013 WS admits to another affair. He had moved out and got his own place. 2 days later he called and I told him I wanted the house key. He said no that is still my
house and I can go there whenever I want. I said, "no it is no longer your primary residence as you have your own place now and I do no feel safe that you can come
into my place whenever you want. If you do not give me back the key I will change the locks." He said, "If you change the locks I will kick the f'n door in".

I said, "well I will take your clothes to the dump and then you don't have to come here for anything".

He said, "I will charge you with mischief and put in my statement what you just said."

I said, "Then I will charge you with uttering threats."

He replied, "haha I was just joking."

I now have NC and he keeps pushing it. I am now contemplating laying the charges for the uttering threats and the assault in 2006.

I know in my heart he should not be allowed to get away with what he has. As I am not at the point of divorce and received no apology at all from him all I see is
him getting away with treating me like a doormat.

He constantly gloats on the fact that he is a cop, my family said he would always bring it up and rub it in. My niece said it was just ridiculous how he would always bring
it up. I noticed he was acting superior alot for most of 2013 (while he was in the affair).

Upon our separation Sept 2013 he told me he was no longer with the OW, however, I recently found out that the affair did not end and the are in fact still seeing each other.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 20th (Monday)

As I am not at the point of divorce and received no apology at all from him all I see is
him getting away with treating me like a doormat.

So Faith...if not now at what time you WILL you be at the point of divorce? Two affairs and domestic violence? What's going to push you to that point?...him giving you STDs and putting you in a hospital while your kids watch? Start working on yourself and don't worry about him. Get your self-respect back and your kids will look up to you and support you. Infidelity is mental abuse whereas physical violence is well just that. I have no tolerance for it.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Faith24
New Member
Member # 42020
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 20th (Monday)

typo it should have been "now". I am now at the point of divorce. Proceedings have been initiated.

I just can't stand the thought of him getting away with how he treated me. I am contemplating putting in a statement to the police on what he has done. This will definitely affect his work.

I am suffering because of his infidelity, my children are also suffering while he carries on like nothing happened. He still has not paid child support or alimony He is not accountable and I feel like I stood aside and let him get away with stuff all these years. And now I am done protecting him and hoping you he would be a better person.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014
PRNDL
Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I went through this for a long time. She blamed me and I believed it like a fool. Do not tolerate this. The monsters that do these abusive things to us like cheat and blame should get no mercy. He will not change. I tolerated this for 7 months. It was only after I left the house, when I woke up. 1 year affair full of lies and telling me im crazy. Then it continued for 6 months during R.

I used to ask what peoples stories were. The details of the affair. Now, it does not matter. All that mattrs is your pain. How bad did it hurt you? Why would u stay with someone that destroys you heart and self esteem?

180D him, detach, take care of you, get yiur affairs in order, leave and D him.

He put his selfish needs before commitment. Dont forget that.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 20th (Monday)

(((Faith)))

Sometimes, people get away with doing really horrible things to other people.

Just the way it is.

Dont worry about that now, just get yourself and your kids to a safe place, both physically and mentally.

Hugs,,,,,,


Posts: 568 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Get a good lawyer. He may not be acountable now but the courts will make him pay child support.Let your lawyer fight this. He sounds scary and I think he is the kind of guy you don't want to mess with. You and your kids deserve a better life.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2007
Topic Posts: 19