SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Revenge: How far is too far?
AchillesHealed
New Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I've been perusing the "revenge" threads in the other forums, and honestly many of the responses on there seem completely over the top and unhinged. It's one thing to tell the AP's BS--that is 100 percent fair game, and should be done--but quite another to involve innocent children, employers (unless the affair took place at work), neighbors, community contacts, elderly and potentially frail parents, and the like. Expanding the fallout of an affair in such a way is both potentially illegal and extremely dangerous, and can have unforeseen repercussions.

For example, the BS of my EX-AP outed the affair to my husband--as I said, fair game, and she was right and justified in doing that. But then she commenced to harass me online for two full years afterward (two years during which I deflected repeated attempts at contact by her husband, I might add). I contemplated responding in kind: for example, on numerous occasions she had been physically abusive toward her husband. I had seen the evidence. I could have written a mass email to all of the parents at her kids' school, warning them that she was a violent and volatile person and that her home was not a safe atmosphere. I could have sent a similar email to her employer. I could have written to her parents and asked them why they raised such a violent psychopath for a daughter. I could have started a "husband beaters" website and outed her online. But I took the high road (yes, even slutty, callous, heartless, shameless waywards can take the high road!) and just ignored her.

Bottom line: an eye for an eye seems pretty fair in this situation. If I interfered with your marriage, you are justified in interfering with mine. But beyond that, beware. No one--including betrayed spouses--has lived a flawless, blameless life.

[This message edited by AchillesHealed at 9:29 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2013
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I haven't looked at the revenge threads in the other forums so I can't speak to how over the top they might be. I know that I certainly had a few daydreams of some very over the top ideas that I never implemented.

I'm not going to tell you that harassment or abuse is okay. I may understand and have sympathy for the feelings the BS is experiencing but they can and do go beyond the legal limit. But, I can tell you though, that the affairs my x had didn't just interfere with my marriage. The fallout from was wide-ranging.

This was a nuclear bomb on my life, my family, my marriage. Don't you think that my son felt betrayal and pain? Don't you think he still deals with the fallout of those piss-poor decisions? My health suffered due to stress and gaslighting and the affair going underground and continuing. My performance at work suffered due to the situation. My health and work performance still suffer to some extent due to that time. My parents felt the ripples of this because of the pain that I was in. My future life was forever changed and my past, my memories were forever tainted and suspect.

I don't think the WS or the AP really has any say in establishing boundaries around who the BS can tell. This is now part of my life story and I have the right to shout my story from the rooftops if I choose to. The fact that the AP is part of that story was her choice. Not mine.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1729 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I've been perusing the "revenge" threads in the other forums, and honestly many of the responses on there seem completely over the top and unhinged

The responses are driven by the extreme emotions arising out of the infidelity. Finding out one's spouse cheated can be extremely unhinging. I am a very peaceful man, but my anger over what transpired in my marriage led me to the point where I scared myself because I had actual thoughts and drive to want to kill the OM. I never would have thought that I was capable of feeling such hatred. Emotions are extremely powerful and often drive us to do things that we might not have. While many of those responses might seem over the top to some, as one who has had such extreme emotional response to infidelity I can see how the responses are in line with the pain and anger that the BS is experiencing. I am not saying that their responses for revenge are the right thing to do but I am saying the responses mirror the level of emotional duress in the BS.


Bottom line: an eye for an eye seems pretty fair in this situation. If I interfered with your marriage, you are justified in interfering with mine. But beyond that, beware. No one--including betrayed spouses--has not lived a flawless, blameless life.

But what you are describing isn't eye for an eye- harassing you vs you having an affair with her husband. It's apples and oranges. In your eyes you sound like it should be all square now. In her eyes it isn't. So where is the balance? Who is right? My advice to you is that if she is still harassing you that you use the legal means available to you and get a restraining order instead of pursuing courses that might get libel charges slapped on you.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 51572 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

The fact that the AP is part of that story was her choice. Not mine.
So true! We didn't chose you to be in our marriage, that was a choice made my WS and AP.

Consequences suck. That being said, I am sorry that you were harassed for two years by the BW. I would have gotten a restraining order because of harassment. However, I totally understand the cray cray that being betrayed can trigger.

I have done absolutely nothing for revenge. Not even for justice. There is none. I have wonderful fantasies though. I haven't even spoken to OW post d-day.

People have been murdered for having affairs. BS's, WS's, and AP's alike. That is going too far. But, once again, the WS and AP bring that to our lives, we don't go seeking it.

for example, on numerous occasions she had been physically abusive toward her husband.
I will take this with a grain of salt.

It is nice that you took the high road. Maybe a little too late, but okay, I am glad that you did and didn't seek revenge on the BW.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

How far is too far?

For me?

Physical harm
Stalking
I personally would not involve wh/ap parents or children.

But in my wildest dreams, my wh affair partner will one day serve me all the while knowing full well that *I* took the high road.

I told wh one day that the choices he made that involved his wife and marriage and family had consequences. It was no concern of mine that he didn't like those consequences. He CHOSE to harm us. I won't stoop to willfully harming another person like he did, but the fantasy is there.

[This message edited by stunnedin12 at 10:16 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 436 | Registered: Jan 2013
bobf
Member
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I bet all BS have fantasies about harming the OS, but really almost none act on them.

For me, my wife and I kept her affair quiet so the only harm that was done was to our marriage (and to me personally in terms of stress and anxiety and to my wife in terms of stress and anxiety as well) which we are working hard to fix.

In my case I had mixed feelings about contacting the BOS and I may not have except that OM violated my wife's NC letter. That sealed the deal for me and I made the rather major effort to track down the OM's wife and notify her.

I guess I am in favor of a proportional, legal, non-violent response if you have a reason. The OM gave me a reason.

PS The main reason I contacted the BOS was because I was afraid the OM might contact my wife since he was snooping around. I don't really think of it as revenge as much as something to help preserve my marriage.

[This message edited by bobf at 1:41 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 142 | Registered: Nov 2013
AchillesHealed
New Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I don't think the WS or the AP really has any say in establishing boundaries around who the BS can tell. This is now part of my life story and I have the right to shout my story from the rooftops if I choose to. The fact that the AP is part of that story was her choice. Not mine.

Fair enough, but in that line of thinking, you should be prepared for further fallout from the AP. Like I said, I chose to take the high road, but it would have been incredibly easy for me to retaliate and shame her own less-than-ideal behavior.


Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2013
AchillesHealed
New Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

And clearly I have trouble using the quote boxes! Sorry about that...

Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2013
AchillesHealed
New Member
Member # 41805
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)


But what you are describing isn't eye for an eye- harassing you vs you having an affair with her husband. It's apples and oranges. In your eyes you sound like it should be all square now. In her eyes it isn't. So where is the balance? Who is right? My advice to you is that if she is still harassing you that you use the legal means available to you and get a restraining order instead of pursuing courses that might get libel charges slapped on you.

An eye for an eye meant telling my husband, and letting me deal with the pieces/mess of my own marriage. That is not apples and oranges--that is a mirror situation, ie. two marriages in shambles with all parties left to pick up the pieces. (Of course, the real correlation would be her having a revenge affair with my husband, which she tried to do and failed).

By the way, her husband chose to have an affair with me, and he didn't hear one thing from my husband (then again, he is an exceptional human being--my husband, that is). She would be better served focusing her anger and blame on her husband.

At any rate, I didn't mean to start a big pissing contest, and I'm sorry I brought it up, as I vowed not to give that woman any more headspace. But I am just saying that people hellbent on public revenge should be very, very careful, as two can play that game.


Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2013
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

And clearly I have trouble using the quote boxes!
You highlight what you want to quote, cut and paste it in the response box, highlight it again and then click on quote.

eta: oh, you figured it out!

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 11:37 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Fair enough, but in that line of thinking, you should be prepared for further fallout from the AP. Like I said, I chose to take the high road, but it would have been incredibly easy for me to retaliate and shame her own less-than-ideal behavior.

I'm going to try to tread lightly given the forum I'm in.
You took the the high road? I have to disagree.
"Taking the high road" after the fact doesn't mean anything to the BS. Taking the high road would have been saying "No" in the first place. Then to be angry that the BS is angry and is telling anyone who will listen? Little wonder he/she became "unhinged"- as his/her entire world as he/she knew it was a lie.
So why would it be such a surprise that some BSs want the entire world to know just what kind of "good people" their WS and APs are?
If one is worried about extensive fallout, one should think about that BEFORE sleeping with someone else's significant other, not after. There would BE no fallout were it not for those actions.
The BS that goes nuclear isn't perfect, but he/she will always have the upper hand on the "high road" because he/she wasn't doing someone else's significant other.

ETA:
I should clarify that I don't believe physical violence is ok (though I had violent thoughts like many others).
"Stalking" the WS's family to you may actually be the BS trying to tell the OBS and shed light on the situation. Just a different perspective...

ETA again:
To the APs and WSs who are trying to avoid fallout because of embarrassment, etc, try standing in the BS's shoes.
He/she has to live in the same town, go to grocery store and possible run into the AP; take their kids to the same school, etc. - all while the whole town looks on and whispers, "Poor So-and-So...did you hear?". How do you think the betrayed kids feel when they hear kids whispering and teasing them at school? Do you think they might be embarrassed? How embarrassing do you think that might be to the innocent party in the whole equation?

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 11:46 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6111 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

At any rate, I didn't mean to start a big pissing contest, and I'm sorry I brought it up

Why do you think it's a pissing contest? Just because there are different opinions? No one is being disrespectful...just sharing their own thoughts.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196562 | Registered: May 2002
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Achilles, it seems as if you don't grasp the full depth of havoc the affair causes.

I was exposed to STD's. I got numerous yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis because my vagina didn't like theirs. My health was at risk, against my consent.

I was abandoned for 5 years. I was emotionally and verbally and sexually abused for 5 years.

Mine and my children's safety and security was taken away, our livelihood was at risk and ultimately taken because his affairs took place at work and he was fired.

He risked another child being conceived and having to tie him for life to an AP.

I was humiliated.

My children had to learn their father cheated on me. He cheated on them.

They BROKE me.

They chose to have an affair with a man whom they knew they were married. They inserted themselves into MY life, I didn't ask them. If they didn't want to suffer the consequences, then they should not have had an affair, period.

Having said that, I did out one AP to her husband. I outed one AP to her father because he employed her, she had affairs with employees, it was to warn him and his business. I wrote letters to all the AP's after I confronted them and I was cruel. That's as far as I took it though. I've wanted to do more, but it's not in my nature.

I assure you though, what they did to me, is far far worse than what I ever did to them.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

An eye for an eye would have been her having an affair with your husband. I think she took the high road. You seem resentful even though you're responsible for her anger and hurt.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

But I am just saying that people hellbent on public revenge should be very, very careful, as two can play that game.

Seriously? You inserted yourself into her world, blowing it up. She didn't have a choice in the "game" at all. Kind of screwed up don't you think?


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

She would be better served focusing her anger and blame on her husband.

Yes her focus should be on the man who "loved" her and blew her world apart but you're not innocent in her eyes either and share a part of that rage. You knowingly slept with a married man, why in the world do you think she would not want to punish both of you? Her pain and anger is not going to be limited to one person. I think 2 years of harassment is a bit much but then again so why sleeping with her husband. I have read what she's done in your previous post and it definitely is over the top. I am in no way supporting her actions but I think every betrayed thinks of revenge. Some don't act on it, some do and some go too far....we are human and it can be difficult to see beyond the moment sometimes.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2644 | Registered: Oct 2012
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I'd like to point out that in every instance I've seen on SI where anything other than hypotheticals are being exchanged a mod, guide, admin, or the SI Staff gremlin will pop in and reiterate that SI does not advocate or condone revenge. They may miss one or two, but for the most part it's very consistent.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3773 | Registered: Dec 2011
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Outing the A is not necessarily for revenge. It can be a very tactical move. The most important move for a BS is to end the A. The more people who know about it the harder it is for it to continue. Supportive people will encourage the WS to return to the M. There are more sets of eyes to watch for suspicious behavior. There is more guilt and shame that will hopefully turn to remorse. Plus it also gives the BS people to talk to.

Now the harassment on the other hand is wrong and should be dealt with through the proper authorities.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2528 | Registered: Aug 2012
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I'm trying to be real, real, real tactful here.

But I am just saying that people hellbent on public revenge should be very, very careful, as two can play that game.

It's utterly foolish to keep upping the ante, so to speak. That being said, both OW & POS XH are on all of those sites. Should OW attempt to top that, I'll be going nuclear. To me, that was a lot kinder than any of the other things I wanted to do.

If I interfered with your marriage, you are justified in interfering with mine. But beyond that, beware. No one--including betrayed spouses--has lived a flawless, blameless life.

You sound pretty smug to me. You didn't interfere w/her M, you torpedoed it. So, yeah, the anger is gonna be there & for a loooong time. You purposely declared war on this woman; she didn't know you existed. You felt entitled to her WH & you seem to feel entitled to blame her for it. Her character has absolutely nothing to do w/your A w/her H. The implication is loud and clear what you're getting at.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 733 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I know for my own part, I had a lot of revenge fantasies about my former friend. But just as her BH did for me, I chose to ensure her family suffered no hurt at my hands. It doesn't mean I've lived a flawless, blameless life. It just means that I had more compassion and empathy than she or my FWH had (at the time of the A, at least. I know my FWH has grown and hope she has) for their BSs and families.

I find your comment about "unforeseen repercussions" interesting as well, because to me, that is at the very core of how many affairs happen. The affair partners rarely seem to be able to identify the potential consequences of their choices. Why would you expect a BS whose world has been devastated and may be suffering from PTSD, depression, or the other effects of infidelity to show excellent judgement in this regard?

Regardless, I hope the harassment has stopped.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2010
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I don't think the WS or the AP really has any say in establishing boundaries around who the BS can tell. This is now part of my life story and I have the right to shout my story from the rooftops if I choose to. The fact that the AP is part of that story was her choice. Not mine.

Fair enough, but in that line of thinking, you should be prepared for further fallout from the AP. Like I said, I chose to take the high road, but it would have been incredibly easy for me to retaliate and shame her own less-than-ideal behavior.

So the BS speaking the truth should be punished because the AP doesn't like facing the consequences of his/her behavior being known? Meh.

Like I said, I'm not going to say it is okay for you to be harrassed or stalked or whatever some 2+ years down the road. But for an AP to say - Yeah, I fucked your husband/wife/SO but you can't tell anyone because that wouldn't be fair! - says to me that you don't yet grasp the magnitude of pain and far-reaching impact that infidelity has on so many people.

At any rate, I didn't mean to start a big pissing contest, and I'm sorry I brought it up

I don't feel like I'm in a pissing constest. And I'm glad you brought it up because it's an opportunity for you to get a different perspective on the issue.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1729 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

BS's don't corner the market on the Cray Cray after disclosure either. There are many stalker AP's out there (women and men). I've heard some doozies.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

But I am just saying that people hellbent on public revenge should be very, very careful, as two can play that game.

Two can play what game? Hasn't she been hurt enough?

My guess is that the majority of what you know about her comes from her husband, who was trying his best to justify his own extremely crappy behavior while at the same time trying to convince you of his awesomeness. That doesn't leave a lot of room for glorifying the wife he was betraying. The waywards here can correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see a lot of this happening during an affair: "My husband/wife is wonderful, I just like scoring some action on the side!" My guess is the betrayed spouse is either talked down, or treated like a non-entity.

She may be far from an angel, but I don't have to know her to know that she doesn't deserve what you helped bring into her life. Because no one deserves this kind of pain.

Take anything OM told you with a grain of salt.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1336 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 12:39 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Reminder to all BS's...

This is the WS Forum and just because the author chose to take the stop sign icon off doesn't mean you (general term) can come in here swinging.

If this topic is triggering you, please stop from posting on it.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196562 | Registered: May 2002
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

And another thing!

If BW is harassing you, I'd think your best recourse is to document everything, print out what you can and file some sort of PFA/RO (what ever they call them). I'd think that would be enough for her to quit it. And if it isn't, then you prolly have a bigger problem there.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 733 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

t/j Sal1995, I admitted as much to AP that my XH was a good H and that my cheating had nothing to do with him (XH) or the marriage. AP tried the standard line of, "Something *must* be wrong with the M or you wouldn't be cheating," but it didn't fly with me.

/end t/j

As for the topic of this thread: I can see both sides here. Of course it's natural and even expected for a BS to want and possibly get revenge on a person who hurt them. That's human nature and very understandable. I don't fault the BW in Achilles' case for not being able to "take the high road."

However, it's been done to death on SI and in real life that ALL actions have consequences...as another poster pointed out, oftentimes these consequences are unseen or ignored. A person who chooses to stalk, harass, threaten, or escalate to violence is either choosing those actions with ignorance of/zero forethought to the potential reaction, or has deemed the potential reaction "worth it."

I'm not going to judge whether one's vengeful action is worth it; that's not my place. But to say that even a hurting BS isn't responsible for their actions and whatever consequences come from those is a stance I disagree with. If a WS's legitimate pain (Uncertainone, for good example, I'm sure among many others) doesn't excuse infidelity, then why would a BS's pain excuse their own resulting actions?

The appropriate course of action, in my armchair QB opinion, is for folks in situations like Achilles' to seek remedy through the legal system.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

BS's don't corner the market on the Cray Cray after disclosure either. There are many stalker AP's out there (women
Raising my hand. Yes, OW stalked and fished for 8-9 years after FWH ended the affair. Ran him off the road once, sent him messages on the radio station they both listened to, had random men call me and try to get FWH's cell phone #, called me to try and befriend me. All of this before I knew that I was a BW, but FWH had ended the affair.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9423 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
scared&stronger
Member
Member # 15942
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

How far is too far. For me everything is fair game except her children. When she decided that her involvement in my life was "fair game" she accepted all those things that come with my personality and all the consequences that evolve from said personality. So how far....as far as my imagination can take me.


WS 45
BS 43

Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.

d-day 4-3-07

Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.


Posts: 3956 | Registered: Aug 2007
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

But to say that even a hurting BS isn't responsible for their actions and whatever consequences come from those is a stance I disagree with.

I agree with you 100%.

I just think it is foolish (and potentially dangerous) to assume that a BS will by default be better able to predict the fallout from their poor choices than those who engaged in the A to begin with. Most people are not that good at evaluating risk and if they were, there would be a lot fewer affairs.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2010
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I'd like to point out that in every instance I've seen on SI where anything other than hypotheticals are being exchanged a mod, guide, admin, or the SI Staff gremlin will pop in and reiterate that SI does not advocate or condone revenge. They may miss one or two, but for the most part it's very consistent.


ETA:

This is true, but I am sure with good reason!

[This message edited by silentscream13 at 3:18 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: Almost 18 years; Married: Almost 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
silentscream13
Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

But to say that even a hurting BS isn't responsible for their actions and whatever consequences come from those is a stance I disagree with

I agree. I actually asked this question in another forum, because I felt like I was going crazy for wanting to take revenge on the OW by outing her online (and ruining her life in various other ways). I just wanted to make sure I wasn't losing it!

I feel that I am 100% responsible for my actions. I also feel that doing so would cause further harm to my children and the OW's XBSO and family (who do not deserve any further pain). And we are currently trying to heal from this disaster and possibly R. No good would come of it.

I WOULD NOT feel bad for outing the OW or my WH if I had decided to go through with it (which I won't). The minute they both decided to get involved with each other they lost their chance at privacy.

I feel that taking the high road is realizing how your actions harm others. They did not think twice about how their actions would harm their SOs or my children. So, my best revenge is knowing I am a much better person than either of them. (Better....not humble lol)


ME: BS- 39; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: Almost 18 years; Married: Almost 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
needrespect
Member
Member # 37951
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Inappropriate reply.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:28 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


BS-me 45
WH-40
married 11 yrs, together 15
DS13 DS9
Dday May 2012 EA
False R... Dday#2 11/30/2012 PA same MOW

The opposite of love is not hate ... It is indifference.
Status:%$$&^&^$#@@
seems I'm on the 15 year plan


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2012
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 2:27 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

This is the last warning.

BS's: POST RESPECTFULLY OR YOU WILL BE REMOVED FROM THIS FORUM.

All the icons are completely uncalled for and insulting.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196562 | Registered: May 2002
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

"I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to, ''''cause then there''''s more room for me on the low road." -Tom Haverford

[This message edited by FacePunched at 2:30 PM, January 14th, 2014 (Tuesday)]


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1960 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

on numerous occasions she had been physically abusive toward her husband. I had seen the evidence. I could have written a mass email to all of the parents at her kids' school, warning them that she was a violent and volatile person and that her home was not a safe atmosphere. I could have sent a similar email to her employer. I could have written to her parents and asked them why they raised such a violent psychopath for a daughter. I could have started a "husband beaters" website and outed her online.

Guess what? I was physically abusive too, apparently. Never raised a hand or foot or weapon or whatever to my WH in our entire marriage, but every bump and bruise he had from snow shoveling incidents, walking into sharp furniture corners, etc. were caused by his violent abusive wife. OW wanted to take pictures to "document" his terrible boo-boos. After D-day she did get revenge, by calling WH's doctor and telling him that WH was in danger in his home, calling his co-worker and telling him the same - right after leaving an eviscerated skunk on our doorstep. She knew it was all bullshit, deep down. But it made her feel like a hero and a saint, and like she deserved to be screwing my husband. But I'm sure none of that is true in your case. It's different, right? Your AP was totally a victim of his evil betrayed wife.
So revenge, if you want to call it that, I have no problem with a BS telling anyone and everyone they want. But children should always be protected. It's just too bad that the AP and WS couldn't have protected the children in the first place by not destroying their family.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
smez
Member
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

cdnmommy...Your post have hit a spot in my heart...You seem like such a nice person and forgiving...And made me feel like CRAP...because I am the type of asshole who made you hurt and frankly I'm not trying to hurt other women! GOD!!!

Part of the reason I ended the affair was because on the other end of mine is a REALLY NICE woman...who LOVES the living crap out of that man and who would be broken if she knew.

Really feeling crappy but thank you...


Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
mindbody
Member
Member # 27941
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Your thread is another sad but true example of the unpredictability of the fallout from infidelity.

Expanding the fallout of an affair

I think it might be called an extension of the affair. I'm sure you wish this "part" of the affair wasn't happening. I agree that the BS needs to stop what she is doing. I do feel sorry for the pain she is going through.

on numerous occasions she had been physically abusive toward her husband.

I had seen the evidence.

This may be true. If you consider how your EXAP told you, and showed you, I bet you felt sorry for him and thought she had serious issues. I'm assuming you were never receptive to her side of their story. There really is no way for you to know if he was abusive towards her or what precipitated it - not good either way.

I could have written a mass email

And that would mean outing yourself. I have never wanted to "expand" WSO/OW affair by volunteering the information. We are committed to NC and he has only told a few people because NC was in jeopardy.

But beyond that, beware.

I'm assuming you are venting and I can see how miserable the harassment is for you. I'm also assuming that you realize the BS, however wrong in her actions, is in your life because you and her WH had an affair. So everytime you consider your options, take that into consideration. I think it might help tame the meaning of revenge.

I do think you have every right to use the legal system to handle the harassment if it continues.

people hellbent on public revenge should be very, very careful, as two can play that game.

This jumped out at me because as a BSO, my mind is thinking

two people who are hellbent on playing the game of infidelity should be very, very careful of the public's scrutiny

Infidelity may begin with the choices of 2 people, then others are drawn into this betrayal. There's no way to predict their choices, good, bad, right or wrong.

I hope you, BH, BS and WS can find peace through healing.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Mar 2010
Tickingtock
Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

So this thread is a pissing contest and affairs are games? I'm confused.


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 149 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
cdnmommy
Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

smez, don't let yourself feel crappy. I am 3 years into R and perspective is everything. I have had my share of anger and even revenge fantasies; I just feel fortunate that I had enough restraint to not act on these at the time. I am no more forgiving than anyone else (and it might surprise you to know that I am not there yet with either FWH or MOW) but I don't hate her or wish her any ill. I have no idea whether she ever arrived at remorse toward her BH, but if she did that is a tough road to walk.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2010
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Achilles - I won't make this a long post as I agree with almost everything the other BS's have told you so far. The devastation from an affair is horrifying to those of us who have been betrayed like that. You cannot understand what we have had to go through unless you walk a mile in our shoes. Even though it would give you a better understanding of the reality, I hope you never have to do that.

Under no circumstances is telling the other BS even close to the destruction a wayward and their AP inflict.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jul 2011
Happeningtome
Member
Member # 36327
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

AH - my opinion on this topic has evolved over time, between DDay and present. Immediately following DDay and for quite some time after, I accepted full ownership of any and all fallout from my A. And the fallout was widespread - FAP's BW outed the A instantly and broadly. We live in a small town and as my BH was out of town at the time, many people contacted him with support/condolences/information before I had a chance to even talk to him at all. He was humiliated and grief stricken and horrified, but he had no say in who was told, because the news was all over town by the time he got home 3 days later. I took responsibility for everything - my husband's emotional trauma, the trauma to AP's children (they told their kids all the gory details), the trauma to my friends and family, you name it, it was my fault and I was bitterly dissapointed in myself and my horrible choices. I endured (and still do to a lesser extent) harassment from AP's BS. But the very public outing was probably the worst, in addition to the lies she passed along to my BH, from her WH (he was trying to cover up multiple A's over many years by dumping all his sketchy behavior on me).

I found SI a few months later, and started learning about blame shifting, and how WS's often used this tactic. I also learned that there are many different ways A's are handled on DDay, and my situation was not that common. And I started thinking that if everyone was responsible for their own actions, then perhaps I needed to refocus on the consequences of MY actions, and let go of the responsibility for actions I did not take.

Now, I'm not saying that there is a hard and fast line and I still take full ownership of how I hurt my BH with my actions. And I have a great deal of remorse and sympathy for FAP's BW, but i do now also feel she is responsible for her actions. I now understand why she went off the rails on DDay, but I think she realized that her reaction resulted in some negative consequences for her and her family as well, as she definitely tried to hide her 2nd DDay a few months later (although the scandal was still so fresh, most people noticed that he was kicked out again, and tht she suddenly cut off two of her best friends).

I guess I just wanted to put it out there that if a "rule" applies to a WS, it should apply to a BS too. We should all own our actions and consequences.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Aug 2012
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I was the one who outted my affair to the OM's wife. I didn't know he was married, and I found out, and I found out she was pregnant. All I could think was if he was cheating with me, he could be cheating with other people, and what if he had passed an STD onto her? I told her.

She spent the next 2 or 3 years emailing me, calling me, stalking me on myspace, finding my friends and emailing all of them, she'd periodically write to my mother and tell on me. When I kicked my XH out, she tried to start up something with him. She'd post stuff about me all over her myspace page (this was awhile ago). She offered to try to help my ex take the kids from me. She would make up fake email addresses, pretending to be her husband and try to get me to talk to her. This started in 2008...two years ago was the last time I heard anything from her.

I understood why she was doing this, I'd been there. I understood it was easier to be mad at me than at him. Did she take it too far? Maybe. But, I'd helped destroy her marriage, maybe permanently. She tried to destroy my reputation. And, when I knew she had contacted certain people (like my mother) I did say "Yes, I cheated with her husband. I didn't know he was her husband. I'm sorry, I am ashamed, I don't talk to him anymore." And that was the last of it. At the time, it seemed like a horrible thing, like she was taking it way too far. But, in the grand scheme of things, it was embarrassment. I admitted my bad decisions, and people accepted it and moved on. I showed I wasn't actually this evil, husband stealing, lying bitch, by just letting her actions go. I don't know anyone who thinks I am any of those things now. i guess what I'm saying is, that I let what she was doing go, and ended up showing I wasn't really this horrible, terrible person. If I had then gotten revenge on top of her revenge, I think people would have been far less forgiving, and more believing of the things she was saying.

[This message edited by Weatherly at 10:04 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4476 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
HormonalWoman
Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I would have thought you could have managed a little empathy for her.

You had a blip in your life where you had an A with her husband. You didn't care about the innocent children who were involved from the second the pair of you crossed the line. You didn't care about the fall out that was bound to happen at some point which would impact on the frail parents or the community around you all.

Now she's having her blip. She doesn't see the potentially dangerous fall out of her actions, she doesn't see the unforeseen repercussions of her actions. Much like you didn't see them when you were having an A with her husband. Although i think we can safely say you are experiencing them now.

You're allowed to create the fallout of the affair but she's not allowed to expand it?

These are the consequences resulting from your and her wh actions. It may not be acceptable for her to harrass you but neither was it acceptable for you to have an A with her husband. Everyone feels the fallout and has to tolerate the consequences of an A. Including those innocent children and the innocent bs, both of which are blameless.

If she is harrassing you, you can do something to stop it properly if you want to.

[This message edited by HormonalWoman at 5:59 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
evephoebe1
Member
Member # 36923
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

As cliché as it sounds, for some of us BS, we're actually quite clueless that we are being cheated on. For me, the shock of finding out destroyed the very foundation of my identity. Suddenly, my husband was this other man who I no longer recognized. A stranger leading a double life, pretending to be a faithful spouse and caring father, while being unfaithful on so many levels.

I was horrified and couldn't wrap my head around this complete mess that my life had become overnight.

I stopped being "me". There was an innocence of "what our relationship could have been" that was forever lost. Sadness, devastation, anger, grief, hopelessness all at once wreaked havoc in my heart and my head. Why? How could he hurt me like this? Destroy our family? My world was being ripped apart as I desperately tried to make sense of who he really was and who she was.

For a while, focusing on her kept me sane. Who was she? Why would she choose to have an affair with a married man. I fantasized about placing a skunk in her car, lol. Instead, I outed them both on a few cheater websites but have since removed the info from the ones that have allowed me to.

Then I stopped focusing on her or him. I just wanted the pain to end. So I tried to take my life. Ironically enough, he tore down the door and saved me, but I'm broken. I can't seem be fixed. Humpty Dumpty.

However, it's not her fault. She didn't marry me. He did. Unfortunately, I don't really know where to go from here. I just wanna try to be a good mom again, somehow. I don't believe that I will ever trust anyone in a relationship again.

I hope she stops harassing you, AH. She's just incredibly hurt. Hopefully, she can find the inner strength and peace to let you be.

[This message edited by evephoebe1 at 7:03 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


Me: Survivor! BS (47)
Him: WH (45)
2 awesome kids, 13 & 16

Posts: 92 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: evephoebe1
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

We are locking this thread until/if AchillesHealed comes back to it


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196562 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 45