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MadnessMuse
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Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:20 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
mepe27
Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I don't think I can be of any help but your post was just so moving and difficult I wanted to post. My H has never been abusive but my previous boyfriend was and the things you said just sounded so familiar, even now I almost typed "my boyfriend didn't hit me as much as your H" wth?? I was hit, I shouldn't minimize what he did, it was scary, it hurt, it was completely wrong and here I am 20 years later almost implying that my abusive boyfriend wasn't that bad....
I don't know if an abusive person can change once it comes out. I know my bf tried very hard to control it, he was successful the majority of the time but it kind of didn't matter, b/c once it happened that fear was always there, it never when away. Even today with other men if they raise their voice or get that tense look I get scared I've been trained for the rest of my life to watch for the clues.

I will say I don't think anything you've ever done would justify being hit. Even my H, he did some pretty bad things but if I had hit him I would have been wrong, imo. It sounds like your H is trying to justify his violence to you and that you might be unsure about that, I think he's wrong if he tries to do that. I also think the fact that he won't address it is concerning b/c if he isn't willing to look at it and acknowledge it and fix it, I don't see how it can change?? As i said my ex was pretty good at controlling his rage, except when he wasn't. He never did anything to fix it he just tried to keep it under control, which it sounds like thats what your H is trying to do. That will do nothing to ease your fear and your complete lack of safety, b/c you never know when he won't be able to control it so you'll be on eggshells for the rest of your life.

Personally I think a separation with time to completely focus on yourself would be ideal. You have a lot of pain and fear and unresolved feelings and there is no way, absolutely no way you can sort through that if you're wondering what's going on with him, can you talk to that person or not that person, are you upsetting him, are you not doing what he needs, are you the bad person he's telling you you are??? It's so much drama that is completely revolving around him, there is not a moment for you to take care of yourself and that isn't right. I think you need a break personally, you deserve time to heal yourself and even if he says it, his actions show he doesn't really want to have that time.
((hugs))


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:20 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Personally, you need to separate until he gets his anger under control. Situations, like this is not good for either of you.

If his reaction to the pain you caused is to hurt you then there is something broken in him. I can understand him making a threat at DDay, like I did but to actually to start knocking you around like that is not good or healthy.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:21 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Violence toward women is something I really detest. It is a sign of horrible character flaws, and a fucked up person.

I was raised to know that a man never, under any circumstances raises his hand to a woman. Never once questioned it.

I was a police officer for 25 years, so I saw plenty of it. Put plenty of guys in jail. Told them all the same things. If its so bad you want to hit her, leave her, it will hurt worse. No reason to hit women. I also believe women should not tolerate it, even once. The man should be held accountable, jailed, and kicked out every time. To fail to do so only reinforces the behavior. It will be worse for you, or the next woman.

Surprisingly, my wife has said that recently during a couple of arguments she has actually flinched when I'd yell at her. (thru our marriage I've probably raised my voice a dozen times PRIOR to this affair stuff.) Since? I've actually yelled, several times, very out of character.

At any rate, hitting her has never even crossed my mind, in spite of the affair. Its off the table, and should be in all relationships. Solves nothing, worsens everything.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:21 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
LostSamurai
Member
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

After I threaten my WW at DDay, I am going to anger management and IC.

He should do the same. He is really raging when he hits you. You may have good days but one outburst of rage and that could be the end of your life and his.

Nothing wrong separating and going to anger management as a couple and individual. His coping with your infidelity is damaging both of you.
Pent up anger and frustration and explosion. Also, if you are going to TT him, you should do it in MC, in the presence of a third party so you are safe.


I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. I am sorry for the hurt both of you have felt and continue to feel.

I certainly am not in any situation to give advice, but I would like to mirror what your initial post "said" to me:

To paraphrase, I "heard" you saying:

"My husband and I love each other, and besides my suicide attempts, him being apathetic at times, physically attacking me at other times, sabatoging my friendships, refusing to discuss anything other than HIS infidelity, a refusal to seek IC, and my feeling that he may be either sociopathic or narcissistic - everything is good."

Something needs to happen. It seems to me that SAFETY is the #1 priority - even above honesty at this point.

BIG HUGS coming your way!

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:41 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

his anger shows he does still care.

His anger shows that he is angry.

As in "he's angry because he loves me"? I really got the same message as Whatsright did from your posts.

He's angry because of the hurt/fear/rejection or whatever it is that he feels you have inflicted on him. And this is how he is responding to the hurt. He is acting out on his anger. He is not acting out in love or care.

I wouldn't get into the habit of mixing the two.

That's how you will continue to accept this unhealthy cycle you both have created. Caring looks like caring. Caring comes from love. Anger looks like anger. Anger comes from fear. The two really do not coexist except in dysfunctional mindsets. He may care about you, in his way, but care are not expressed as anger and physical harm.

Apathy is also a form of anger. Apathy can be a far more useful tool to "even the score" for the hurts you inflicted on him. Apathy can hurt more than anger on the emotional scale of injury. Self harm is another expression of anger, something you both have engaged in.

It sounds like both of you do things in your own way to settle the score with the other. This score can never be settled. Arguments to be right, whose pain is greater, the desire to make the other feel the pain to prove the point, apathy, self harm, emotional distance...etc...only adds to the total.

I agree that until you both learn how to feel and accept your own pain without lashing out the other, whether with violence or emotional manipulation or self harming. At some point you both will have to feel the hurt and accept it, in order to heal from it. Since you both seem unable to control your reactions to the hurt, a physical separation sounds like safest, healthiest option at the moment.

I hope you can find the clarity and strength to do what you know is healthy.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:22 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Sorry - 3 things stick out in your story: physical abuse, threat of physical abuse, and other emotional abuse.

I don't care what you did. You are entitled to protect yourself from being abused - but the only way to protect yourself is for you to take the necessary actions.

You can't really take in help from yourself or from outsiders if you stay in an abusive environment.

Leave or kick him out, if that's possible.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:20 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:22 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
purplejacket4
Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

What bothers me as much as his physical abuse is his wanting you to never discuss his faults or prior infidelity with another person. That is toxic. If you read up on abuse at all one of the main things is isolating you from others. His picking flaws in everyone proves he is trying to isolate you. Please get out. These behaviors can escalate to your disability or death.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2152 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

It was a pretty terrible cycle there for a while until I got it all out.

You are very much still caught up in a cycle. Your just on a different area of the wheel. You have become an integral part of this cycle. It's no longer about what happened when and who did what. You have become enmeshed.
If you don't leave, the next pay check will end up like the last...so you will wait till the next and the next and there you will remain. You know this.

The only way to break a cycle is to get off the wheel.

It's time to look for some resources in your area to help speed up this process. Even if it means a temporary stay in a shelter for women. A friend, a boarding house, someone who is renting a room?
The abuse has to end first. The healthy can't start until that happens.

Peace, health and strength to you


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

MM I hit my husband a few times after D-Day. Each time I was horrified and sorry, but it wasn't until I completely lost my shit on him on a street in downtown Atlanta that I sought professional help. What I did was WRONG. I am a foot shorter and significantly smaller than my H. I left a mark on him once, when I pinched him hard. Even though what I did did not injure him seriously, it was horribly wrong. Your H is beating the CRAP out of you and then blaming YOU for it. That to me does not sound like someone who is in any way inclined to stop. I think he enjoys it and has found a way to completely justify it to himself. I knew that wasn't who I wanted to be. It sounds like he has no internal conflict.

Setting the physical abuse aside, he also sounds emotionally manipulative and cruel. I know you say you love him, and I understand that, but you can love someone and still leave them because their behavior is unacceptable. If your best friend (assuming he let you HAVE a best friend) told you her H was doing this, would you find it acceptable?

((Hugs)) to you, I know this is hard. Your post honestly scared me. You are NOT safe.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6671 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
bitterbetrayal
Member
Member # 26326
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Oh Madness Muse I am so concerned for you. You are in an abusive and dangerous relationship. Please seek help before you are permanently maimed.There is plenty of advice and help out there for you.Please read this brilliant website on domestic abuse
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html
If you were living in the UK any one of theses actions your husband has taken against you he would be arrested and charged.
It takes a huge amount of courage to come to terms with the fact you are living in an abusive relationship, especially if you love each other. I know, I have been there.Please please protect yourself.


ME.BS 55
Him.WS 55 and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09
D-DAY-2 14/08/09
MARRIED 25 YEARS ON 25/08/09
BEEN TOGETHER 28 YEARS
TWO CHILDREN 20 and 22.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
bitterbetrayal
Member
Member # 26326
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Madness Muse this is the UK official definition of domestic violence.

The Government /Women’s aid and other charities and organizations on domestic abuse.
defines domestic violence as "Any incident of threatening behavior, violence or abuse …..
Any Force during an Argument
Abusers often begin by clenching their fists and mimicking punches. They may hold onto their partner to prevent her from leaving a room or walking away from a tirade. Physical abuse can be anything from cornering the victim and holding her back so she can't move, even restraint, such as if he crowds you against a wall
Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying possessions, throw things, breaking things, punching walls…
Physical violence: Grabbing, , pushing, shoving,
Shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening.
Breaking trust: lying to you, having other relationships, In many instances, betrayal through infidelity can be very close to what we term domestic violence. Infidelity is a choice and that choice is abusive in nature.
Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behavior, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again. Abusive actions are frequently followed by expressed remorse, apologies and promises.
BIG warning sign! An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout 'right in your face'. Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that serious physical violence is a strong possibility.
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him but see them as reactions to your behavior or attitude toward him. He may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't .Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset.
He may keep you up all night to 'sort this out once and for all'
Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behavior on to you, but is actually used to terrorize you into submission. Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jeckyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders.


ME.BS 55
Him.WS 55 and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09
D-DAY-2 14/08/09
MARRIED 25 YEARS ON 25/08/09
BEEN TOGETHER 28 YEARS
TWO CHILDREN 20 and 22.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:22 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

That tells me he doesn't actually want me gone;

He wants you to stay so he can continue to abuse you instead of working on his own issues.

Gently, the more you post, the more worried about you I get. You have to hide your STD tests, when he's the one who cheated? You're living with his parents, probably the people who taught him how to be an abuser? Don't you see how crazy it is?

Leaving today would be a great action to take. Tomorrow, if not today.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

(((Madness Muse)))

I know this feels so complex, and you are dealing with a great deal of guilt due to your A and your behavior afterwards. Here is the thing about your situation though, and it is pretty simple: you are in an extremely abusive relationship. You are very much in the domestic violence cycle. Though you feel your WH's actions are justified, they aren't any more than any other man who hits a woman. Men sit in jail all the time for beating up their partners and every single one of them was falsely accused or aggravated by their evil partner. They all have a "really good excuse" for why they beat the &*%$ out someone they are supposed to love. The saddest part of all of it is that the women, the victims, will often agree that they must have done something to cause the violence. It is a really awful cycle.

Call a DV hotline. Every state has one and the volunteers and staff who man them are trained in domestic violence and how to deal with situations like yours. At the present, you are holding a ticking time bomb. He will hit you again, the question is whether or not he will kill you or permanently injure you this time.

I spent years volunteering at shelters and over hotlines, picking women up who managed to escape. There are people who can help you. They can get you to a shelter, you can file a restraining order against him, and get a divorce. I know this is hard to hear because you love him; but this isn't you giving up on him or your marriage, this is you choosing to live.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
SpotlessMind
Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Madness Muse--

Please, please see to yourself and your safety. Your husband is abusive and controlling. He is showing the classic behavior of an abuser who is trying to isolate his spouse from any outside support.

No one deserves to be physically harmed or treated this way. No one.

I am fearful as to what he might do when you leave. Please consider contacting a local domestic abuse hotline and battered women's shelter when you leave. The next time he leaves a mark, please go to the doctor/hospital and tell them the truth. Though I hope you leave before that happens. A battered women's shelter can help you while you get on your feet.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:23 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:23 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Take deep breaths, and to add to your list of things to keep outside the house is your social security card and birth certificate. Find out about the closest DV shelter. The locations are secret and they are well protected. Stay safe.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

MM,

Just saw your thread and wanted to say that I agree you should take yourself to a safe place at once. There will be plenty of time to sort out your feelings once you are there.

I wanted to suggest a book by Lundy Bancroft, called Should I Stay or Should I Go. He also wrote Why Does He Do That?

Please take care, it sounds like you have a lot to work through for yourself right now. Never mind the M for the time being, you need to feel safe and you need to be healthy - mentally, physically, and spiritually.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:24 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Find out the name of the local hotline. They will help set you up with a safe shelter. It may be in the next town over, etc. These shelters are safe. No one is allowed in unless she is a resident. No visitors, etc. Of course I can't guarantee that none of the volunteers or workers know him; but the women who do this as a living or volunteer do it because they have a firm belief in protecting others from abuse. Most often because they were victims themselves. Be safe, and if there is anything I can do to help you sort through things, feel free to PM me. I have 3 kids who are all home in a couple of minutes, so it may be a few hours, but I will get back to you. Be safe.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:24 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Ok. do NOT tell him where you are going. Call the shelter hotline. Chances are they will help you get what is called a TRO or temporary restraining order against you WH. This means he cannot come within x feet of you. No showing up at your work, no following your car, nothing. Once you have this in place it is up to you not to break it. No sitting in his car to "talk." No taking his calls, absolute crickets. Because here is the thing, once you leave you will be in a situation that is potentially even more dangerous. He will be furious and desperate. He will do things you never thought possible, like lure you back and then beat the shit out of you. He may not do it immediately, but you can bet it will be simmering on the back burner.

So he calls the police. If they show up at your work, you politely explain that you left your abusive husband. They won't make you talk to him. If you work in town and he can get to your place of work, you are going to need to let your employer know what is going on. Look into the temporary restraining order. I would also look into getting a job in a new town. If things are as you describe, he will make your life a living hell.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Say nothing to him. Just leave.

I'm sorry. Your safety must be paramount. He isn't going to change.

Just leave.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 494 | Registered: Apr 2009
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:25 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Here is the thing about abusers. They don't out themselves immediately. They can be the most charming guys on the planet. That is how women get lured in. The controlling nature often starts slowly and in ways you don't even realize. It just means he really loves you. Over time it takes different forms, until one day you wake up finding yourself justifying the fact that he just beat the crap out of you. Then, they make you believe that they can't live without you, and that you can't live without them. He will tell you he will kill himself if he can't have you. If he is really special, he will come up with some crazy disease that he is supposedly dying of. Anything to rope you back in.

Seriously though, nothing makes an abuser more angry than a partner who dares to leave. Once you are gone, be a ghost.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:25 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I didn't read all the way through. It was clear within the first post.

This guy has had so many strikes, he just plain is O-U-T out.

Immediately go to the police station and file a report. When next he touches you in any abusive way, call the police, press charges.

Who cares what happened with you in theory beating him up? You beat the crap out of him? Sister, you didn't beat him hard enough, because he is still full of sh*t.

Save yourself, bail on this POS. And don't look back.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

MM, when my mother got up the nerve to leave my father he showed up one night at her apartment and banged on the door until he let her in. Then, he proceeded to tell her and us his teenage children, that he had a brain tumor and he also had prostate cancer. I got to testify about that incident a year later at his trial for raping and beating my mother. Yeah, she went back to him.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
bitterbetrayal
Member
Member # 26326
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, January 17th (Friday)

This is worth reading when you have time
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/index.html
My FWH was a vicar and people worship the ground he walks on but he was still controlling and abusive. No one knew.He attended a 28 week course for domestic violence and is doing a lot of work on himself. He still has a long way to go.He also has amazing and loving qualities and is a spectacular dad to our children. He has anger problems. But I have also had a years worth of IC to understand myself and why I have allowed this control. You will need a great deal of IC/therapy to heal from this.Take care brave lady.


ME.BS 55
Him.WS 55 and a priest!
D-DAY 12/07/09
D-DAY-2 14/08/09
MARRIED 25 YEARS ON 25/08/09
BEEN TOGETHER 28 YEARS
TWO CHILDREN 20 and 22.

Posts: 160 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Madness Muse, please keep posting, even if it just here once a day to check in. Let us know you are ok.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadnessMuse
New Member
Member # 42065
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 17th (Friday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:26 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Thanks for checking in, and glad things are calm for the time being. Unfortunately, as you know, that will come to end sooner or later. Take care.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
WoundedOpus
Member
Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Everyone has given you great advice, you need to get out as soon as possible.

I second the book recommendation:
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by Lundy Bancroft

Eye.Opening. I learned that this is NOT about anger, this is about CONTROL. And when they feel out of control/can''t have control, then they get angry. As long as they hold just one piece of control, the abuse will come back. He needs help, and so do you.

Google: Cycle of Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Psychological Abuse, Manipulation in Relationships,
Google: Compassion Power Steven Stosny, and read everything you can. He is a very insightful man that lays it out like it is and allows NO excuses for the abuser.

You are in the Reconciliation phase or Honeymoon phase, until you''re not. This causes Traumatic Bonding, aka Stockholm Syndrome. This is not love or caring. This is just another form/phase of manipulation and abuse. I understand that you messed up and there are consequences to be expected...manipulation, abuse, alienation, and fear are NOT acceptable consequences.

There is NO excuse for this EVER. Nothing you did or ever could do will make abusing and manipulating you acceptable, but YOU have to believe this, and until you do it will continue.

Please be careful, the most dangerous time is potentially when you leave. You need to plan your emergency bag carefully and keep it either with you at all times or somewhere you can grab it on the way out. After what a friends husband pulled (the very day after we discussed this), I HIGHLY recommend you make a copy of all important documents, a spare set of keys (house and car), a spare cell phone, a change of clothes, secret CC, license and anything else you can think of. She woke up to her purse missing. Every single important piece of paper, along with all forms of ID, cell phone, guns, keys, money and CC''s locked in their safe with the code changed.

Go to the bank tomorrow morning to open an account in your name only for all of your money to go into. Be prepared and be safe.

I know that right now you''re thinking this sounds crazy. So did she. Hell, so did I when I was suggesting all of this to my friend, until she showed up at my house freaking out with no access to her life. He isn''t even physically violent, but extremely controlling and manipulative, and this became her life while she slept.

Good luck MM, I hope you get out and give yourself the life you deserve. Will be thinking about you and praying for you.


Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman


Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, January 17th (Friday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:32 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Chippednotbroken
Member
Member # 40170
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I ran. Mine was hitting, attacking, saying mean things, threatening etc. I took my 3 kids and ran. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I told people, family, friends, strangers, my boss, what had been happening. HARD. I found now barely two weeks later that I didn't love him, I was scared of change. I was scared of what would happen. You know what fear is? It's being concerned about something that MIGHT happen not something that will.
Good luck.


Me BS 32
DDay July 13'
3 young kids

Posts: 302 | Registered: Aug 2013
MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 17th (Friday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:32 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


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MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:33 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


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jo2love
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Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Thank you for the update. Sending hugs and strength your way.

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MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 20th (Monday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:33 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


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bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I think that safety is a big concern for you because you aren't safe, dear. I am so sorry. Please find some help and get some distance from this very toxic relationship.

((Madnessmuse))


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1884 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 20th (Monday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:33 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


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MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:34 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, February 12th (Wednesday)

Just bumping because we haven't heard from you in a while. Is everything ok? As you said, stuff is just stuff. I lost everything from my childhood when my mother left my father. I was away at college and she was able to take very little. It is sad, and I understand. But freeing too. Anyway, hope you are safe.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:34 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I'm glad to hear you are ok. I would like to put a few things out there for you to consider:

1. You say you will leave if he either hits you or tells you to leave again? Gently, why does he get to be the one to decide when you leave? Do you see how much power you are giving him?

2. Don't let the fact that he is calm now lull you into a false sense of security. If you really believe he can sense you detaching, you are in a lot of danger. Abusers HATE to feel like they are losing control and panic at the idea of being alone. I can just about guarantee that the next time he hits you, it will send you to the hospital - if you're lucky. This is a ticking time bomb Madness, don't forget that.

Take care of yourself my friend.

Oh, and that studio apartment sounds like Heaven


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 453 | Registered: Dec 2012
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I would not dismiss his positive STD test claim. If you intend to still have sex with him, you need to rationally discuss this and see the report. Just because you are negative once doesn't mean he doesn't have an STD, it could just mean you haven't caught it. RH factor negative does not affect STD tests.

Protect yourself.

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 5:31 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1971 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You are obviously smart, strong, and more than capable of escaping this. However every day you stay you are making a choice to risk your life. If you tell yourself anything other than that you ate being a fool.

As the bruises fade so does the memory of the terror and disbelief you suffered. You justify his behavior, yet logically know that you are wrong. Quit telling yourself that you will leave the next time he does x y or z. You aren't there yet if you were you would be gone.

I hope you do have a go bag and that you have cash stashed and that you have a place to go far away from this maniac. He is a sick an unstable person. Every night you choose to sleep under the same roof as he you are risking your life.
As a former ICU &ER nurse I can't tell you the number of times I have witnessed this. Just know that it can end with an obituary. I saw it 3 times. A woman brutally beaten and sexually abused to the point of severe brain bleed that she never woke up again. Another shot 3 times by her husband because she wouldn't be quiet and attempted to leave. Lastly a 27 year old that was stabbed to death be ause her boyfriend was convinced she was cheating. All the friends and family said they had no idea because he was sooo sweet.

My point is you are close but that can be the most dangerous time of all. Get ready and get out. Don't become another sad story. You have what it takes to escape. So do it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8228 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:35 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


Posts: 47 | Registered: Jan 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 13th (Thursday)

Please be selfish.

He is using your guilt over your actions to manipulate you.

You do not owe anything to him.

People have to own their behaviors. That means, not that you have to stay for cheating, but that anything he 'became' afterwards is on HIM.

The only person you owe anything to you, is yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
MadnessMuse
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Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, February 16th (Sunday)

[This message edited by MadnessMuse at 9:35 PM, April 18th (Friday)]


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