User Topic: answer?
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I have been seeking an answer from H for quite some time as to why he had an A. I don't know if I was just in a mood tonight or what but the need to know is just driving me nuts. Finally, after questioning H once again he just exploded! I'll try to quote his response as accurately as I can. H said: "All the books and the counseling and the websites are all looking for some deep, dark reason why this shit happens. It's not always complicated and sinister! Don't you know that there are women out there that are just looking to get f**ked? Don't you get it? That's all it is, that's all they want! They don't care who gets hurt or whose marriage gets trashed, ok? She (OW) just wanted me to f**k her so I did! I know it was weak and stupid and I'm sorry that I f***ked her but I can't take it back. I know you don't get it because you are not a woman who would do something like that...but there are women out there that do it ALL THE TIME!" H was furious and I was just speechless. Now what the heck am I supposed to do with THAT information? God, I am so tired of this!

I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 125 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

So.... Because there are women out there that want to be f&$@ he HAS to f&$@ them?!?!? Did she rape him??? I think not!

Nope not good enough! He is taking zero respondsibility. It may be that he doesn't know his why yet but because some women want to be screwed is definitely not it!

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I agree↑ I would flip out if my husband gave that as an excuse.

Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9

Posts: 140 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

That was the biggest bunch of Bull I have ever read, and if I had heard it, I would of said bull.

He could be right that there are women who want that, but it doesn't even remotely come close to answer why HE did it.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

So the OW wanted to get fucked and he fucked her. Fine. But WHY did he think it was ok to disrespect you by fucking her? WHY did he think it was ok to break his vows and promises to you by fucking her.

His answer focuses only on the OW. It completely leaves out the fact that HE vowed to love and honor you and THEN he completely dishonored you by fucking her. Who cares what OW wanted??!! THAT is not your problem.

It does not have to be some deep or sinister reason. But it appears that he is lashing out because he does not want to explore his OWN lack of boundaries that allowed HIM to fuck the OW.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17688 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

Up until this evening H's standard answer has been "I don't know why"... which is even more aggravating and annoying than this little tidbit he exploded with tonight. H made choices every single step of the way. How could he not know why he made those choices?

I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 125 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I have a good friend who cheats on his wife, a lot, and this is about tha anwser he gave. Saying he does it because their willing.

I personally don't get it, but tons of men see it that way.

The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Wow, I bet he hates when that happens. All these horny women that want to eff him and then he has to oblige..geez poor guy. Wrong answer buddy.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I'm not sure this is better than "I don't know why". Does he mean to imply that anytime he runs across a woman who wants to be fucked by him he will? That the only thing stopping him is their unwillingness?

If you substitute his name for OW in his rant doesn't that also apply? (Doesn't care who gets hurt, etc)

That may be the reason in his mind, but that makes him unsafe as a H, IMO. Much more work needs to be done before he can be trusted.

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I think you should be glad that you got an honest answer. I think that is what a lot of men would like to say but they are so afraid of hurting us more than they already have, that they just don't say it, in fact they just don't really say anything and that is worse.

I actually would have been glad to hear that because I think it is truthful. The woman wanted it, it felt good, so they just did it. Of course that is no excuse, but it certainly is a reason. Now afterwards, especially when the affair is discovered and they are hit with the reality of losing their wife, their family, etc., the fantasy and fun die pretty quickly and they are faced with the deep and profound damage that their "fun" has caused.

The key to healing is their true remorse when they see that damage and their sincere efforts to rebuild trust.

So I guess what I am trying to say is appreciate any real honesty that you get because it is hard to come by.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Seems a reasonable explanation for why the AP did it. It's certainly why OM in my WSO A did it. He wanted to fuck, and she was ready willing and able.

Of course like others pointed out it's not a reasonable explanation for why HE did it.

Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Kansas1968, I agree its an honest answer.

But, as a BS we would love to hear something more profound. My exWW said her reason was she simply wanted to see what sex was like with someone else. She met some random guy on ladies night and had a humpfest almost everyday for two weeks then walked away and never talked to him again.

At first, she told me it was a guy she had known for almost a year and had grown attached. Two years after the D we reconnected as friends (then FWB) she told me the truth, said she was ashamed that she threw it all away for some random guy, and by saying she had feelings for him she thought it would make her seem less of a slut in my eyes, and less likely to repeat it.

The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:50 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

It may be an honest answer by his standards. But where is his culpability in this. Sure OW wanted to fuck, but so did he. And when seeking the "WHYS" the fucking part really isn't relevant now is it ? Some WS need to be smacked upside the head to get an honest answer out of them. Perhaps a follow up to his answer should be. "Why did you think it was OK to fuck her when you knew it would destroy me ?" When you break it down the fucking part is a by product of disrespectful and immoral behavior. The "WHY" needs to be answered from that aspect.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5731 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 13