Wayward Side
User Topic: Is it better to be alone?
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 2:19 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

My H and I are not in a good place. I am struggling and don't know if I have the energy to see this through for the next 2-5 years. I'd really like to think this is the roller coaster and we are presently on a dip but I think it's more than that. I often think I would just be better alone.

It's as though I don't have a right to share any of my thoughts or opinions. The minute I do, I'm shot down for being negative and instantly dismissed. I don't feel heard or valued, I never have. Admittedly, we are under a lot of strain right now as his brother has just undergone surgery for Cancer and is still in ICU. My H has practically stopped work right now to care for his brother and has even slept at the hospital for 4 nights following the surgery.

My H wants a wife who will not say much and just be positive all the time. A wife who will walk around all smiles, each day, every day and never discuss anything negative. As some of you may know, my H is a rugsweeper and any hint of discomfort, he'd rather sweep away. We still don't speak of the A and as far as my H is concerned, it never happened.

Everytime I bring up the topic of a separation, in his usual style, he dismisses me or just ignores me. He doesn't take me seriously and never has.

I'm really having a tough time right now. I know a lot of advice will be to just be supportive right now and keep proving myself etc, but I do this, I do this on a daily basis. He's not a teamplayer and has very little to do with me and my life. He throws money at most problems as long as he doesn't have to get involved and when he does get involved it's like he's doing me a favour.

I know I'm not stupid. I know I have rights. I know that a separation won't solve things necessarily but I'm just tired and so alone. He's bringing nothing to the table for me, or that's at least how I feel.

There is no togetherness. I feel so sad.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 5:00 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I read the profile story and it sounds like two different relationships.

Just a thought, it sounds like he may have known about your affair a lot longer then you think.

I get the sense that you feel he doesn't love you because he isn't raging about the A.

Warning: if you leave or suggest a seperation it maybe the end for good. Be sure its what you want.

The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)


Keep focusing on you. You mentioned in your profile you overreact and are aggressive and shouty. (Paraphrasing, posting from phone). Do you still do this? Maybe not all the time. My WH hates repetition especially when he knows he is wrong. He gets defensive and loud to shut down the conversation. And inevitably he shuts down all conversation. It's hard to share. Even if you have it in check most of the time, it takes time to undo the damage.

You are coming up on 1 year. Patience. Anger didn't really set in until year 2. I was too busy year 1 living in fear that OW would return and he would restart the A.

Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4509 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I get what others are saying but there is something many waywards here forget as well. You can walk away too. If you are truly unhappy in your marriage perhaps your A was an unhealthy way to admit thag to yourself. I think you need to take a step back and look at your relationship and figure out what is really going on with you. Is it a dip, is it how you truly feel, are you seeing more then what is going on? Someone has already said it, asking for separation and going through with it is pretty final, there is rarely any going back after that...

Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."

Posts: 2767 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Asking for a separation was initially a cry for help. A more healthier way of communicating I am unhappy in my marriage rather than seeking comfort elsewhere, but now, I'm not crying wolf as much anymore. We have several good days, then it just goes back to square one where he becomes dismissive again.

By him not talking about the A, is counterproductive to R. How can we move on if he won't discuss such a trauma in our M? Even our MC hasn't brought it up despite me mentioning it in one of our sessions. It's like every one wants me to forget about it and move on but I can't.

I want him to take me seriously. I want him to listen to what my needs are. He's not telling me what his needs are, only to not talk about or discuss anything negative.. how is that even possible? How can you live life only focussing on the positives. At some point, people have to address issues no??

If our son was being bullied at school, his reaction would be to say, well at least the bullies didn't break any bones.. it could've been worse.. look at the bright side...aaaagggggghhhhhhhh

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Im sorry that things are difficult for you right now. You know if you need anything I am just a PM away!!
Seperation could be permanent and end things indefinitely but it could also give you both a chance to figure yourselves out.

I agree that its hard to R if you don't discuss the A and from what you have said, he has never discussed it with you.

As a WW it is your responsibility to fix the damage your A caused....we all know that the A was our own bad choices...but a marriage needs to be bw both of you....each needs to give and take and work together. It doesn't sound like he is meeting your needs.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 880 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

It feels like he's so afraid to deal with his feelings. He's as good as said that if he allows himself to absorb what I've done then that will be the end of our M.

Well, so be it.. rather that, than living life with no connection or emotional intimacy.

I've been patient with him. I've tried to be as positive as I can BUT there's a limit. I cannot bury my head in the sand like he does.

I wish I could articulate better how I'm feeling and what's going on but it's so hard to express in words.

I know many women stay married for financial reasons as they are financially dependent on their husbands. I'm one of those women. I know many women who stay married for security reasons and for the kids. I'm one of those women too. BUT, sometimes, it all just gets TOO much and I feel suffocated, never really at peace.

He hates me but can't say it. He's trying not to hate me but it's obvious.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I get what others are saying but there is something many waywards here forget as well. You can walk away too. If you are truly unhappy in your marriage perhaps your A was an unhealthy way to admit thag to yourself. I think you need to take a step back and look at your relationship and figure out what is really going on with you. Is it a dip, is it how you truly feel, are you seeing more then what is going on? Someone has already said it, asking for separation and going through with it is pretty final, there is rarely any going back after that...
I'm a BH and I agree with Unagie. You have feelings as well and rugsweeping doesn't resolve anything whether it's done by a WS or a BS. Yes, asking for a S and going through it may in fact be final but are you already headed that way just via the very long and slow route via rugsweeping? That's a question for you. You can heal whether you stay with your BH or not. The question becomes what do you really want to do.

He's as good as said that if he allows himself to absorb what I've done then that will be the end of our M.
Your M has already ended, the old M anyway. Stuffing feelings doesn't work for a WS or a BS. It may take years but it usually comes out in some shape or form at some point. Speaking from experience I rugswept for a long time and it doesn't work. WS's don't hold all the cards when it comes to compartmentalization. It's not good for a BS either. Neither of you should have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life. If your BH is adamant about his refusal to discuss the A or your M in general then as always the only thing you can truly change and affect is yourself. I'm not telling you to give up or fight harder just saying you have a voice in the decision to R, S, or D as well.

Will S help YOU move forward? Don't S if you are doing it because you think it will wake up your BH. That isn't the point, although it may force him to deal with those feelings. The point is will it help you to heal and keep moving forward. Not a decision to make lightly but it is a decision you are entitled to make if you choose. Just my 2 cents, I wish you and your BH the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:44 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1914 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Just a thought, and I maybe completely off track but: Have a read up on passive aggression. Does any of that ring true for your BH? A passive aggressive REALLY can't face their own anger because they have convinced themselves that anger is bad and they cannot be bad/angry. If they face that anger, they have to face all the rest of their repressed anger (very scary for them) over all their life, which may just be too hard to do. They'd rather be in denial and shut the hurt/anger in a box. But it's not healthy.

Also, a P/A spouse manipulates their partner to express anger on their behalf. The spouses often end up feeling like they are the awful shouty ones in their relationship, that it's all their fault. (Well they do choose to react, but don't often realise they're being manipulated too)

None of that would excuse your A, but it might explain the dynamics of your relationship pre-A and why your BS is reacting the way he is.

Of course I might be barking up completely the wrong tree, so feel free to ignore.

Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1075 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I've been talking about separation with my H since D-day, largely to wake him up, but now its different. Now, I genuinely believe it will bring me peace as all this to-ing and fro-ing is too stressful. He changes for a day then he's exactly back to where we started.

It's very hard living with someone who doesn't see you as a priority.

But more than anything, it's the lack of togetherness that affects me. Like 2yrsblind said.. it's two different relationships. I'm tired of living alone like this and I keep thinking I'm already alone so what difference would it make to formalise it?

I just want some peace and not constant turmoil.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 41882
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)


I hear you. I didn't care if my husband left on DDay. Half of me wanted him to. We seriously talked separation and in the end he couldn't go through with it.

I have a young child so that factors a lot in my decision. I read something that resonated with me the other day...It said you are ready to walk away from a marriage when you are okay with going to your child's graduation or soccer game or wedding and you are fine that you don't have your spouses hand to hold and share the memory with. I think about that on my tough days.

Me: 36
BS: 37

Married 8 years.
1 Child
DDay: March 2012

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2014
New Member
Member # 35173
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

While I can't answer the question for you, I can give you the perspective that I use to get through my sad days. My BS has threatened D and even filed before, so for a long time I was just waiting for the next ball to drop. Are we getting a D this week or working on our marriage? Constant rollercoaster and very stressful. I brought this up at IC and my counselor gave me an important mindset. If you believe that D is never an option, what would you do differently to make it a happy existance for yourself. I think about that a lot when I am lonely or sad and it just puts a different perspective on my thought process at that moment. I think choosing to stay in a marriage and work on it is a joint venture and needs both parties completely committed (yes, somedays are better than others). But I believe that always having the thought that "well we might get a D in a couple months or a year down the road" doesn't allow for the hopes and dreams for the marriage's future to form leaving you in a holding place which is very sad and lonely.
I hope you are able to make the decision that makes you happy.

ME: 38
BH: 41
Kids: 10,9,6
D-Day: 30Jan12
not giving up

Posts: 38 | Registered: Mar 2012
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

My wanting a separation is somewhat defeatist. It's not because I want this but I feel in despair. I feel things will never change and that actually he is incapable of giving me what I need: a joint and equal marriage where I count and matter and where my views, thoughts and opinions are addressed and not rugswept to the point of me thinking I'm stupid or crazy for asking for things.

I feel like unless I take a pro-active stance it could quite happily go on like this for years and years.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 13