SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Social media-OW sending messages
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I have been monitoring WH social media, as well as OW. I believe OW is posting many things about love, waiting, etc. directed at my spouse. I believe she's also monitoring his (she's blocked but there's ways around it) and posting things in response. For example, lets say he posted a quote from a certain person or a sing by an artist, she posts another one by same person with generic love, miss you comments.

At the end of the day I have no control over what OW does and it has no bearing on my M. My spouse has not posted anything that seems like secret communicating or responsive to her. He seems to be complete on the up and up.

The only reason I keep checking hers is to make sure this is one sided and my spouse isn't doing anything. But it's triggering me. How do I handle? I feel like I need to keep checking hers so I can verify his is ok and fill the trust bucket, but what's a reasonable amount of time and how do I keep it from making crazy?


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

For many reasons, including her continued attempt to make contact after DDay and other strange happenings, I make it my business to know where OW is coming and going. It is not hard because she is a media diva.

If you feel she is really trying contact, I would keep watch but stay quiet and stealth. Watch from afar and if she comes in too close warn your H. Try to make this as impersonal as possible and keep a broad view.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

Have you and your H considered him dropping FB? That's one sure way!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
1Emptyglass
New Member
Member # 37548
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

In the same boat. I check OW FB because she continues to try to contact WH almost 22 months after Dday (have finally blocked her from his work cell) now I see that after leaving his sister company a year and a half ago (because employer wouldn't allow her on his work site) she was just rehired. I now work in my husbands office, but have to keep one eye open to watch for stalking to continue. I have no idea why they would rehire this woman? Only a couple of the bosses knew of the A when H asked that she not be located to his site. Guess she still wants my life. I check for my own safety.


Me-BW 44
Him WH 44
OW single 54 co-worker
Married 21 years at d-day
kids: DD21 DS 17

Posts: 37 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: CA
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

If it was outright contact I'd handle differently (no accounts) but it is more posting quotes, etc. I think are meant to let him (or maybe even me) know she's thinking of him, etc if we were to look...either to mess with my head, lure him into reaching out, etc. it isn't direct some of it is just a bit suspect


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Another vote for "ditch the FB."


It's not worth the hassle. Many FWS's gave up social media, especially if it was involved in their cheating.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17810 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
AmberDust
Member
Member # 38904
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

As the affair was re-started, our OW started posting about it. Very “read between the lines”, at first. but had I known then what I know now, I would’ve known it was about my FWH.
I told him she was back to “hunting” again. Like I said, little did I know my husband was the one she was hunting for, because of course he lied to my face and pretended to have no idea what I was talking about.

Something “magical” happened to her today, she posted, and life was good again. Now I know that was the day NC was broken. Reading back I can sort of make my own timeline; when the “I love you’s” started and how she has now lost hope since DD2, when I found out and all contact stopped.

Since then, she posts how life is unbearable for her and she misses him because they are soulmates and he is settling now that he is with me. She is still waiting for him. For a year now, she is whining about her broken heart and encouraging him to contact her, in her posts. She will "never stop loving him and since real love has no regret, she will keep on dreaming about his returning to her for a life happily ever after”, blah blah blah.

Weird thing is, I think she is still married. If I were her BS, I don’t think I would like reading how she feels about another man being her number one and me being unimportant.


Posts: 723 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nailinmyforehead
Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

My FWW ditched FB and it helped our R. That led me to ditch it as well, and I haven't looked back. I vote for getting rid of it. I fell for it and ended up driving myself nuts with it.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

I've thought about it. But WS is very social...he already feels like he's lost a lot of his social life. He's used to spending a lot if time with friends, but hasn't been as we work through this a d the trust/security gets built back.
I think the social media is helping him fill that void. And yes, he did this, but if we are going to R I don't feel it's helpful to take everything away. I feel like successful R will be built on us both being respectful, but something's also got to give. I can't lock him in the basement forever. And I don't want him to resent me either. Ah, what fun.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
LoveActually
Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

((roar))

I see your d-day is only about 4 months ago. That's super fresh. By being unfaithful your husband created the mess. Too bad so sad if he has been isolated from his social life--that's what happens when you betray the one you love. If your husband won't ditch FB he can make his page private so no one but friends can see what he is posting on his wall--this shouldn't be a problem--it takes the click of a button to secure your timeline from any of your posts being public. You can't be afraid of your husband resenting you--if he resents you for making certain demands because of what he has done to you then how can you ever move forward. You get to feel anyway you feel right now and he should be all in supporting you in that. I'm 4.5 years down the road I can tell you that it takes a LONG time to build any sort of trust back. If my husband was bummed that he had given up so much of his social life four months out from causing me the greatest hurt in my life I would be so f***ing ANGRY. Reconciliation is hard work and it usually takes a lot of sacrifice for both partners to do whatever it takes to get the job done. Giving up a FB page is a drop in the bucket for what he needs to do to make this right and help you and your marriage heal. Stay strong for you and what you need. Hugs!


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jan 2011
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

True. He's not being or expressing resentment or anger or being bummed out. But I know him, I know he is feeling lonely from his friends, but he gets why it has to be this way.

I think it is more me... I am used to being the one to always agree and make sacrifices for him, for "us" to not rock the boat even if I wasn't ok with it. I am not doing that any more, not is he pushing me to. I guess it's just letting go of my old habits in our relationship.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Mama58
Member
Member # 41685
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

A 5 year LTA? And you feel bad for him? What about you? You do know there are secret ways of communicating on FB? It's probably just more underground now. I say lose the FB, ASAP. Oh well, poor hubby, he can't post stupid crap on there anymore. Poor guy. Trust me, she's not your problem.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Ugh so WH pinned some love quote he liked...fine but now I see she's pinned something I think is in response. Again, he seems to be being above board-as far as I can tell he hasn't looked at hers. But no doubt she's looking at his.

I want to tell WH this and say we suspect she's watching us, please don't post anything that could be misinterpreted as being to/for her. Post a recipe, whatever, or make it clear it is for me. If it was direct contact from her I'd call her and tell her to F off, but I don't want to give satisfaction of knowing I am watching.

I also hesitate to mention this to WS because if he isn't looking, it's going to make him want to look to see what I am talking about and I just want her as far away as possible.

What should I do?


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

How do you communicate secretly on FB?


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Mama58
Member
Member # 41685
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

And on this subject, we are going to have a whole new generation of broken relationships, families,and marriages due to social media, it's just Wayyy to easy!

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
Mama58
Member
Member # 41685
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Why hasn't he blocked her? Delete the whole fing thing, both of you, stop feeding her kibbles, how much time is spent looking/thinking about this crap in one day? Time could be spent doing constructive things! You're giving her Wayyy to much space in your head!

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

She's blocked. Has been since DDay. But there's ways around it.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

My options are:
-say something to WH now. Then he knows how closely I am monitoring...
-watch quietly for another week or so and make sure he doesn't start posting strange things that would indicate he's playing games too
-if he is behaving, then at some point won't she give up? And if he is t doing anything, then why does it matter what she does?


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Yes, she can access his page even if blocked. But if you have the correct privacy settings...she will see nothing that he posts. She will not see any pictures. Stay on top of it..it can be done.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 318 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
roarlouder
Member
Member # 40921
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Not on Pinterest. Anyone can look even without an account. She's blocked so you just don't sign in and then you can see.


DDay-sept 2013
1LTA(5yrs) plus many ONS
Divorcing.
No kids

Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2013
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I have the exact same scenario going on here with OW. She post and "likes" every meme that has anything to do with "missing someone", "true love waits" and crap like that. Her account is private, but you can still see these because the originating "wall" is not private.

She now has a BF that lives in another city, and he purposely makes things public that are specific to their relationship. Every time they travel to see each other, what they did for the holidays together etc. Everything else on his wall is for "friends only".

When I figured out how to see these post, I also checked to see what she could see on our accounts. (blocking is a joke, all someone has to do is create a dummy account to get around it). I was able to see that she could still get to WHs account and see anything that he "liked" or "commented" on that came from a "public wall".

He immediately deactivated his account and created a new one. The new one has a fake name on it. He sent a friend request along with a message explaining to people that he had to shut his other account down because of a stalking issue (no details provided and no one has asked). He only friended people that are mutual friends, so he didn't have to give up social media completely.

Immediately after that he had "anonymous" viewers on his LinkedIn account. He just flat out deleted that account completely and has not created a new one. He never really needed or used LinkedIn. After he did that, I started having anonymous views on my account A few days later, I received a request to "link" with someone that used to work on a project with my WH, but I don't know this person and have never met them. I accepted the request and emailed him asking how I knew him and if he knew my husband. I already knew the answer, since WH recognized him immediately. I never received a reply, so I terminated the link. But before I did that, I checked his list of "links" and sure enough, there was OW on his list. They work for competing companies in different cities so there is a remote chance that they might know each other, but very slim. She is going off the rails if she's actively seeking out people from his previous projects to get info on him....

Basically, he's undetectable in Social Media and for the most part on the internet. And quite frankly, I'm getting a little giggle out of knowing that she's probably freaking out that she can't see whats going on with him or us
.
Anyway..I digress

If SM is important to your WS, then maybe creating a new account with a new name and making sure that every single thing is private. Also make sure that everything on yours is private as well.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Mama58
Member
Member # 41685
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I recommend going to ----- and reading today's post.

Please don't post links to other sites. Thank you

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:18 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
BrooklynLove
Member
Member # 41800
Happy  Posted: 1:47 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

My OW would not leave my husband alone because she needed money and a green card. So I had to fight her psychopathic behavior with psychopathic behavior of my own. A week after DDay she was calling none stop and texting things to get him back. I had his phone and passwords. My husband didn't know anything about blocking. So I made a dummy account with her pictures and blocked her. I then sent friend request to all her friends and family. I sent my husband a couple of love message so see if he would reply (he didn't). I blocked her real account on my husbands page and deactivated my account. Once I got her friends and family to accept my friend request after a couple of days the war began. All her naked pictures were posted one her wall. Videos of her masturbating with her commenting "I've been such a whore" were posted. Her family members and friends started to message "what the hell is this OW?" I posted all of her dirty text and after a week I deactivated the account. Her friends were asking for mercy for her. Keep in mind she is in a third world foreign country so she couldn't do anything about what I was doing. If your OW is in the US, UK or Canada please do not do what I did cause you can end up in jail.


Will never be naive again...

BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (5 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on


Posts: 110 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: USA
foolishlycluless
Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Yes, she can access his page even if blocked. But if you have the correct privacy settings...she will see nothing that he posts. She will not see any pictures. Stay on top of it..it can be done.

^^^^^^^^^This. Make sure that his account is locked down so that ONLY his friends can see anything - posts, pictures, ANYTHING. Make sure that it is not set to "friends of friends." If you have mutual friends, that's one way that they will see this stuff.


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
Chefj9
Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, January 17th (Friday)

something that a lot of people don't also realize is that any time you "like" or "comment" on something that isn't private, it can be seen. Even if all of your settings are set to friends only. If the originating picture or post is "public" so is your interaction with it. Kinda scary when you think about it.


ME - BS 50, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 15 and 12
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/13/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 472 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 25