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User Topic: the "why" of my A
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Today exactly marks the 5th month from our DDay. And up till now, I have been trying hard to analyze why I had the A.

I am actually a FBW. My BH (now) had 2 A's in a span of 7 years. Both A's were with his coworkers. The first OW actually had a "repeat A" after 5 years. The second OW, my H had an OC. He never acknowledged about the OC, though. In addition to the two A's, I also heard about a supposed third A, 8 years after the previous ones, but this one I never confirmed about.

I remember being devastated during his A's. But I would say, I was a good BS. It took only a few weeks for me to grieve but all those times, I supported him, was there for him, helped him out of the pit, held his hand in that journey. Sometimes, I get to thinking, why doesn't he respond the same way to me now? It seems to me he's "forgotten" all that. He still acts full of rage. He has told me: Women committing adultery is UNFORGIVABLE. They are "stoned to death". He has a "double standard". He believes MEN are "okay" with it; but NEVER for WOMEN. This is why we seem to be stuck, never ever moving forward.

Should I think, I had the A because of "retaliation"?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

At one point my life was consumed by infidelity. Learning about it that is. One of the things that always stuck with me is men don't forgive cheating. Only 17% will continue the marriage, that number may have changed its been 10 years since I checked.

Like it or not its all in our teaching. As teens and young ladies you hear "all men cheat" yet as young men we hear "if your woman cheats, your not doing something right"

With that being the back drop the gap in the numbers make sense. When you have these thought drilled into you mind from the start.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
Jovie
Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

From the limited info here, it almost sounds like you didn't really heal fully from your H's A, or deal with that whole issue, which I would expect has something to do with why you were able to rationalize your A. Do you know his "why"?

I think rage should be expected, regardless of how you acted in the past, as we all have different ways of dealing and it is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with.

Besides all that, your H sounds like an ass with the double standard stuff. Maybe its generational, or geographical, but I wouldn't even want to be with something that thinks that way. Are you sure he isn't still in an A now?


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
Stillkicking
Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

Hi helpless, I too am a MH, so I can relate to a certain extent.

As a BS, that is a lot to have to deal with, I'm sorry for what you have had to go through. I believe that you did in fact rugsweep, and never fully dealt with you H's affairs, and now that may be starting to rear it's ugly head. IMHO, your husband "got away with it" because of your love for him and maybe because you had a fear of bein alone, either way, something to think about.

As a WS, I feel that you used his a as justification for you to have your own A, and that is not your why, there's still something broken inside that allowed this faulty thought process for you to make that choice. Are you in IC at all?

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 11:50 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 128 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Should I think, I had the A because of "retaliation"?

I don't know if retaliation describes it, but it seems like maybe you feel you "proved" your love to him with the way you reacted and you wanted him to "prove" his back by reacting the same way??

It took only a few weeks for me to grieve

From everything I've read on here and what our MC says, this is simply not possible. The process takes 2-5 years as a rule and a few weeks is SO far from this that I can only imagine it was rug swept. Which seems to be proven out by your feelings.

He believes MEN are "okay" with it; but NEVER for WOMEN.

Hmm. Don't know what to say about this one. This is never ok for ANYONE. Neither gender gets a pass and with you guys being madhatters this will be an important myth to debunk if you are going to make progress.

In any case, remember that it is always good to keep working on yourself, no matter what is going on with him. Right is right, even if it isn't "fair".

Take care.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Your H is still being hard on you, I assume?

I'm glad you have finally told more of your story.

(((((Hugs!!)))))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
helplessme
Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Jovie, Yes I guess he also thinks "generational". In fact, he points his finger to my side of the family too. Blaming them for being waywards too, he says "it runs in our blood" how hurtful is that? I still can not really figure out why I had the A

stillkicking, yes I have fear of being alone ever since I was a child. And maybe so, I was scared to lose my BH when he had his A's. No I am not on IC. Counseling is not very accessible in my location.

heforgotme, perhaps I just wanted to "test" my BH if he would prove back his love, just like what I did when he had his A's. What I was trying to say too is that, it didn't take me long to decide then to support him to restore our M. He seems to take a longer time to "support" me the same way. Just thinking... although I know everyone here would say not everyone has the same timeline.

painfulpast, thank you for all your encouragement and concern. You inspired me to share more of my story. (((( hugs back))))


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 7