Wayward Side
User Topic: Importance of why
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

I've seen this being discussed here, but I'm not sure I understand it completely. As in, what are some real, valid reasons for why, not cop out reasons.

All my reasons why that I've come up with so far seem like cop outs, or blame shifting.

I guess it's important to know why so it doesn't repeat itself? Is there more to it?

Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 16th (Thursday)

BS here.
There is a difference between trying to figure out what you told yourself, and felt, that led you to take the actions you did, and justifying it. But, not understanding those things does leave you in a vulnerable position.

My H read a book called Sexual Detours which helped him get on the path to figuring out what went wrong. There are other books as well. I, as a BS, felt his willingness to look into it was profoundly helpful to me, and has really helped me trust him more. It was painful for him, but he took a long, hard look at what he was thinking and telling himself. I don't know if that = a "why," but it is close. (And here's a hint - it usually has very little if anything to do with the BS.)

Good luck.

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I guess it's important to know why so it doesn't repeat itself? Is there more to it?

When you uncover a why, sometimes you realize that the affair wasn't the only unhealthy behavior coming out. The deeper you examine your whys and where you weren't healthy, then the more well-rounded your changes. You want to be the healthiest person you can be, right?

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 3